Girth Ironblade cast a grizzled eye over the castle parapet, and looked out across the Forest of V’irgynns.
His weather-beaten, tough face told of hard years fighting mighty battles with fire-breathing dragons, and squiring buxom wenches ALL THE TIME. Not made-up ones, REAL ONES. The suggestion that he was, in fact, a speccy dickhead with Asperger’s was laughable. Laughable. As he leant on his oaken spear, his cloak billowed around him in an epic, really cool way. He oozed dignity from every pore and no one ever mocked him or bullied him ever. No way. He was shaken from his reverie by an elven beauty with MASSIVE JUGS. ‘Take me, my lord’, she pleaded….

‘MATT? MATT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? YOUR TEA’S READY!’
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:00, 110 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I'll stop now, don't worry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:01, Reply)

I menat to post that here
I lolled at Girth Ironblade
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:02, Reply)

Please don't
I'm slightly amused
( Peej, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:09, Reply)

Wow, almost PaulRossian effusiveness right here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:11, Reply)

Words of two syllables or less please Monty
I am from Cornwall after all.
( Peej, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:14, Reply)

I liked it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:02, Reply)

^ This ^
Good stuff, Monty. Do some more.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:10, Reply)

I'm in a kwik fit

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Can't get better

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Kiwi Fit was much better

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:05, Reply)

They're all very ugly men

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:06, Reply)

you must fit right in then
lolololololol
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:53, Reply)

Is the next line
"He groaned with frustration, his helmet mere millimetres from his sphincter. One day......one day......."
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:11, Reply)

"LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M READING COMICS IN THE BATH"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:13, Reply)

A ING COMICS MINGED
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:15, Reply)

i'm red minged in the bath?
on what planet does that make sense??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:17, Reply)

PLANET COW

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:20, Reply)

It's OK, I understand.
Now pass the mind bleach.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:28, Reply)

d ge
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:32, Reply)

I don't understange.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:33, Reply)

I overstange
It's a fault of mine

Anyway, morning sir. What brings you back to the autismfold?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:34, Reply)

I fucking hate the word "reverie"

( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:14, Reply)

Not even in my top ten Kings Of Leons songs or chocolates

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:16, Reply)

Do you not get a feeling of reverie when you visit an eatery?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:17, Reply)

i must have missed the whole eatery shizzle
what was that about?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:18, Reply)

It's another word that pushes Kroney a step closer to becoming the Michael Ryan of Slough.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:19, Reply)

'Michel du Reinne'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Merde on ze Thames Flow

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:22, Reply)

Eatery's a wanky, shit little made up nothing word because somehow, somebody thinks
they're too fucking poncy or trendy to use "restaurant"
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:22, Reply)

That vein on your temple is throbbing again.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:23, Reply)

maybe it was a food critic who was too dumbass to spell "restaurant" ?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:27, Reply)

i hate "pondered"
and "chortled"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:17, Reply)

Chortle - a word invented by Lewis Carrol
Trufax
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Guffaw is a good word.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:22, Reply)

In significant part because it contains the word "Guff".

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Guff = Viz

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Best strapline ever: "Now even MORE expensive!"

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:28, Reply)

Is it illegal to take pot shots at the hippies climbing the shard?
Because it would be funny if someone scored a few hits with a air rifle.
( Peej, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:23, Reply)

Hippies are a protected species now, man.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:24, Reply)

eh?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:26, Reply)

I also fucking hate it when people address me by the diminutive of my name.
I hate it. It's almost always done by over-familiar pricks. Anybody that knows me at all knows that I fucking hate that nickname and so doesn't call me by it.

I am a tightly-wound ball of impotent rage today.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:27, Reply)

alright krones

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:27, Reply)

You know the one I mean.
Somebody just did it to me on the phone. The twat's never fucking met me.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:28, Reply)

meh, i get it the other way around
you can't shorten my name, so people lengthen it.

why?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:31, Reply)

I like to irritate OG by lengthening her name.
She does the reverse to me in revenge. That's fine, since we both know each other and we both know we're just doing it to wind each other up. I introduce myself by my full first name to everyone and anybody who immediately calls me by the shortened version gets dumped straight into the "this person is a cunt" bin.

This bin also contains anyone that's ever used the word "eatery" whether as a joke or not.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:35, Reply)

you know what imma call you on saturday, right?
but i agree on eatery. i'd never heard of it before you started banging on about it, but it sounds proper cuntish.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:36, Reply)

I won't find it funny.

( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:40, Reply)

you'll be drunk
you'll love it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

Steve?
Dave?
Dan?
Bob?
Rob?
Jim?
Tim?
Tom?
John?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:08, Reply)

Alright, swiperella?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:41, Reply)

lady swiperella

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

Alright Kron?

( Peej, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:27, Reply)

calm down kroster

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:28, Reply)

As a purveyor of the excellent first name we share I'm the opposite
I only seem to get called the full name when getting wrong
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:28, Reply)

Sportscowboy?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:29, Reply)

This is the return

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:30, Reply)

It's alright for you, you're Northern.
You lot are genetically pre-disposed to being tradesmen or hairdressers.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:29, Reply)

"A bit off the sides sir?" to you was from Montpellier to Le Havre

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:31, Reply)

One diminutive of my first name is on my business card...
...only because everyone knows me by it. There is another diminutive I really hate.
I deliberately gave my daughters names I thought couldn't be shortened - they managed it though!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:32, Reply)

My daughter is called Elizabeth
This has about 900 ways to shorten it. Didn't quite think that through
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:33, Reply)

that's my middle name
soooooooo much nicer. stupid parents got it the wrong way round.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:35, Reply)

Alright Lizzie.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:36, Reply)

lizzie, liz, liza, bet, bets, beth, betsy, lillabet, eliza, ellie...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:37, Reply)

E?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:35, Reply)

A bit early, but go on then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:41, Reply)

There is no diminutive of my name, but that doesn't prevent people from trying.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:39, Reply)

YP

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

hhahaha

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:05, Reply)

When people shorten 'Sarah' to 'Sez'
Ugh
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:38, Reply)

Steven shortened to Steve = OK.
Shortened to "Ste" = "Please kill me, I am a wanker."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:39, Reply)

I know??? I've heard this one too, and it doesn't make sense

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:40, Reply)

I too biz to use word ove one syl
Y'know?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:45, Reply)

"u no", surely?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:47, Reply)

NO U R!!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:48, Reply)

I didn't know they did.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:40, Reply)

Oh they do

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:40, Reply)

I've heard "Sare" being used

( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:41, Reply)

Oh god, just as terrible

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

Also, 40yo+ middle managers using "izzle" to be funny at work.
It isn't.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:44, Reply)

Is that because shortened version of Pierre is Pee?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:40, Reply)

Can I ask the board a question.
Do you as normal members of the public and internet savvy want the ability to complain about/review an NHS service over twitter/facebook?
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:39, Reply)

No.
More importantly I don't want the populace to be able to.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:40, Reply)

What about phone/email/website?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

I think a designated person/department who you can speak to would be more appropriate.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

No thanks

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:41, Reply)

No

( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:41, Reply)

This is the next month of my life... I don't see it being a very successful service.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

I'd rather they put the money into actually fixing the broken services
rather than giving people more scope for fucking whinging about it.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

The point of the whole thing is to try and get a tripadvisor style thing for the NHS.
I tweet at the new service saying "MK general hospital toilets are disgusting" someone picks it up, says "ok want us to publish that on the NHS website? Do you want a response from the organisation" etc etc. Then we stick it on NHS choices and the provider gets a copy and the right to reply.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:46, Reply)

NO JUST BUY A MOP AND GET THEM CLEAN SO PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO COMPLAIN YOU'RE A HOSPITAL FFS
Would be my official party line.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:47, Reply)

Tells NHS england who needs the mop if it's used on a large scale.
The whole idea is to get all the little niggley failures of an organisation in one place to try to spot when a hospital/dentists/gps is going to shit and hopefully prevent another Stafford.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:49, Reply)

If the managers in a hospital don't know how to run a hospital
to the extent that basic cleanliness (to take your example) is an issue, the managers need sacking.

My basic point is that this is a waste of money that's trying to combat the waste of money that's happening because nobody wants to face the real problem, which is that hospitals are badly run and need dead wood cutting out.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:51, Reply)

I think if it's used as it's meant to be by the public it would be good.
It's a cheap way of canvassing opinion and highlighting problems. I should point out that the processes mean that you can do everything from moan about a broken coffee machine/dirty toilets, to complain about clinical neglect, misconduct, report a crime by nhs staff or anonymously whistleblow, all will be sent immediately to the trust for response within 10 days and if you want published (once we've checked it's not libelous)
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:59, Reply)

but if no one uses it, it'll be shit.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:59, Reply)

I think it is more likely to open up a Pandora's box which will ultimately end up costing more money and effort.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:02, Reply)

I'm fairly sure that the best way to 'prevent another Stafford' would be to invest heavily in more nursing staff
And maybe treat them and pay them well, so they don't become so demoralised that it just becomes another tedious McJob.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:52, Reply)

Not going to happen.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Sadly no.
But you may get more managers.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:03, Reply)

I expect there will be some amusing displays of illiterate gibberish which you can share with us all on here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

We have to moderate it all.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:50, Reply)

god no

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)

This is arguably one of the worst ideas in the history of mankind

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Which is why it will be implemented sometime within the next 6 months

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Pilot at the end of the month!

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:51, Reply)

No
Complaints should be done properly, not via a fucking tweet
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

They're not formal complaints more like general feedback, you can compliment a nice nurse you had or whatever.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:50, Reply)

...'normal members of the public'...
You cannot be serious!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:43, Reply)

No
Would be better as a TripAdvisor-type separate site. Twitter doesn't allow enough characters and neither it nor Facebook are anything like secure. Plus both just degenerate into "OMG fluffy kittenz you cunts" at the drop of a hat.
Stop the Web 2.0rrhea and do things properly.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:44, Reply)

We'll point them to a website/call them if it's anything more than the very simplest comments.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:47, Reply)

New thread.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:42, Reply)