Relationship woes
In "honour" of MK's resident lothario, tell the group of your relationship woes.

I once had to go to hospital for 8 stitches in my elbow after it successfully blocked a vodka and coke hitting my face on returning from work.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:52, 170 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I'll sit this thread out thanks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:53, Reply)

Agreed.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:53, Reply)

Can you give Battered a hand to get onto his seat please.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:54, Reply)

click

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:57, Reply)

Doesnt have to be the current one

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:57, Reply)

I had to put up with about six months of Sadship Enterprise updates.

( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:54, Reply)

No. Not again.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:55, Reply)

Was Belle disappointed when you turned back into a human?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:56, Reply)

Hahaha

( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:58, Reply)

I heard that when you were born, a gibbon held you over a cliff
and then your dad died and you had to run away from Jeremy Irons and some hyenas.
( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:59, Reply)

I heard that you were part of a botched bank job and were rescued by a prostitute called Zoe

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

A highly underrated film, that

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:06, Reply)

Totes watching Transformers The Movie, again (the cartoon one)
My life RULES
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:56, Reply)

I like this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:56, Reply)

Bah weep gragnah wheep nini bong!

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:58, Reply)

Ni!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:59, Reply)

*catches the pigeon*

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:07, Reply)

One Night Stand Disasters Sub-thread

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:57, Reply)

Is anyone sober enough to remember the details of a one night stand

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:58, Reply)

I once had to make the walk of shame home with purple hair dye all over my hands

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:59, Reply)

Why had she dyed her growler purple, though?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Silly sporters fucked a bunch of grapes

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:03, Reply)

She did wine somewhat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:03, Reply)

something something Prince something

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:03, Reply)

Yes :(

( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:59, Reply)

He didn't call, did he?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

Usually the victim.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

alright Chompy give Bobby his log in back

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:02, Reply)

I remember you being a helmet, are you alright now?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:03, Reply)

Leopards/spots

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:04, Reply)

Got to be sure though, horses for their own and what not

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

He's a cunt Bob. A total cunt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

Yep still a helmet

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

Yep, it wasn't the best morning

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:12, Reply)

I don't think I've had any disasters.
Except maybe getting punched because I couldn't remember her name in the morning.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

OK
I had a one nighter with a rather attracitive lady, who unfortunately had a gentleman partner.

I meant this couple of a night out (a few weeks later) and didn't realise they were together and thought I would chance my hand at a repeat visit to beddie fun...

It went wrong when said chap decided to introduce me to various fixtures and fittings in the pub, due to a) his immense size b) his righteous anger c) me being a big ol scaredy cat
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:02, Reply)

Oh dear

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:04, Reply)

I had the last laugh though
As I fucked his missus


TRUE LAD
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:16, Reply)

I had a girl go full psycho about half way through, and started throwing stuff and telling me to get out and punching and scratching.
I ran for it and she text and apologise the next day, saying her old boyfriend was abusive and we should try again. I politely declined.

And the girl with the full on dungeon setup, see swing ropes and whips and stuff. I noped straight outta there.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:43, Reply)

No woes - it's all "mad banter" innit?
An ex once plunged a knife into the kitchen wall next to my head to demonstrate her displeasure at my actions. Roffle, etc
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:57, Reply)

The force is strong with this one.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

She could certainly toss

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

I'm watching Bergerac.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1664050
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:00, Reply)

Needs MOAR windowcat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:01, Reply)

I've never had any relationship woes ever.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:01, Reply)

*phew*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:01, Reply)

You're missing some excellent 1980's Jersey-based crime drama right now.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:06, Reply)

:o(
I have a sore throat and a cough but I'm not ill enough to merit a day in the Channel Islands Police.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:12, Reply)

Fucking soft as shite Cockneys, the pair of you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:13, Reply)

Take some aspirin and have a CIP.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:15, Reply)

If someone sent you a drawing of you and them riding naked on the back a rearing black stallion
would you be ok with that: y/n?
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:02, Reply)

Depends on the person

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:04, Reply)

Lester Piggott

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

well in that case yes

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:18, Reply)

Am I at the front or the back?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:05, Reply)

OK "Lady Godiva"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:06, Reply)

you are at the back holding me tightly

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:06, Reply)

In which case I'm totally ok with it
xx
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:08, Reply)

god, where does one begin?
nice guys = got bored

mental guys = got hurt
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:08, Reply)

I think we've covered your relationship with Chompy
Perhaps name a few of the others off here and we'll take it from there?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:09, Reply)

fuck
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:10, Reply)

Yeah, but your main problem is that you're a fag hag.

( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Is that why you're good friends?
I'm calling you gay here. And French.
( wanderlust, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:12, Reply)

hang on, i'm good friends with kroney?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:15, Reply)

I offered to pay for the pizza, once.
It's all it took. You're not demanding.
( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:16, Reply)

and you didn't even take it upon yourself to go through my fridge
and decide that it was the contents that were weird, not the fact of going through someone else's fridge.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:18, Reply)

That's precisely why.

( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:15, Reply)

Ooooo, sick burn dude.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:16, Reply)

Which category does Cho-cho fall into?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:10, Reply)

a mineshaft would be a nice one

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

What MARRk out of ten would you award?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

:(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:14, Reply)

look babe, you want a wild ride in my skoda, just give me a call

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

got hurt=Guys Hospital.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

u a
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:12, Reply)

Its simple
effective
and true.

I give you 7 out of 10
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:20, Reply)

See - this is just bullshit.
"Nice guys bore me"

"He was a bastard and hit me"

No - you've lost the right to moan about relationships.

I fucking hate that bullshit "Nice guys bore me" - then you deserve everything you get.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Are you saying victims of domestic abuse are asking for it?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:41, Reply)

I am.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)

I'm saying that girls who complain that "Nice guys bore them" lose the right to complain about relationships.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Have you ever thought that maybe you're the problem in all your relationship fuck ups?
I had a friend recently realise she had unnecessarily huge expectations and visions of relationships and she's cool now.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

haha, there are only 2 that i would describe as fuck ups
some nice guys that didn't work out for a few reasons, and 2 that weren't so good.

it's internet hyperbole innit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:49, Reply)

^upset

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:54, Reply)

I once ended up with a cling-on
who wouldn't leave me alone when we were out. Fucking annoying that is
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

Worf?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:15, Reply)

She ent worf it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:17, Reply)

I'm going to the Great British Beer Festival tomorrow.
I get to ride the Overground all teh way from Highbury to Kensington Olympia.

Kensington is where they may Swipes.

I may phone her up when I'm drunk later and ask if I can come round and see her ginger pubes and have her buy me pizza.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:11, Reply)

Smooth moves, brah

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:12, Reply)

I just need her to give me her phone number now.
I reckon just by posting the possibility that I may contact her will cause her to immediately gaz me her number.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:14, Reply)

She will be fizzing
and sliding around on her seat at the mere thought
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:21, Reply)

that is actually distressingly near my flat
but i won't be there. it's like you timed it ON PURPOSE.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:15, Reply)

Oh man, this is terrible news. We're going for a curry afterwards too.
Do want me to text you where we end up and you can come and meet us?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:17, Reply)

It didn't take her long to gaz you her mobile No.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:17, Reply)

Told you.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:18, Reply)

as i'm on a date with the new bloke, i would only be around if it goes badly wrong
but i'll put my pride to one side and say that ONE DAY WE I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE CURRY WITH YOU AL, YOU LITTLE SCAMP.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:18, Reply)

Hey look, if he rapes you and leaves you in an alley, drop me a text and we'll see if we're close enough
to swing by and pick you up on the way to the indian.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:19, Reply)

I don't say this to anyone lightly, Al
But sometimes you can be a real gent
( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:25, Reply)

Heart of gold that bloke

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:25, Reply)

Hey, it's nothing I wouldn't expect every single one of you to do.
I'm nothing special Kroney, I put my pants on one leg at a time in the morning.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:27, Reply)

Don't be modest, you're a people's hero
I expect you'll get a feature in Take A Break magazine any day now!
( Kroney, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:29, Reply)

fanks al

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:25, Reply)

haha

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:15, Reply)

I'll have to go there one year.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:25, Reply)

What, to swipes ginger pubes?
I thought you had already been there
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:26, Reply)

To the beer festival, oh you're trying to be funny... haven't you given that up yet?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:28, Reply)

The dead horse can still take a bit more flogging

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:29, Reply)

There may still be a last glimmer of life

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:37, Reply)

A girl I was with for a good few months left me for a woman.
Wouldn't let me watch.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:13, Reply)

Ain't got none at the moment, which is a nice change.
Most of my previous relationships have been with needy emotional cripples (like myself) so they were all woe one way or another, but nothing really worth mentioning, outside of therapy.

On a related note, the more I hear about the Swipe/Chompy thing, the more I think they shagged and he told someone she was crap and she found out and went bunny boiler because she had some real feelings for the lad. you don't get this level of vindictiveness without some real feelings I reckon, and they clearly are not elchompo's
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:17, Reply)

The truth is far worse, it's better that the Beatles thread is forgotten

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:19, Reply)

*points finger squarely at Swipe*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:20, Reply)

pffffffft
the evening was underwhelming and disappointing in many, many respects. the stuff he said that got back to me was horrible. that is all.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:25, Reply)

yeah, you're totally 'not bothered' because it was 'no big thing'
because not letting something trivial lie for 2-3 years in no way makes you look like a mental.

Fuck I've gotten over full-fledged relationships in which far worse was said than chompo could ever have managed in less time and we all know what a mental I am, eh children?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:37, Reply)

no apology, no silence
apology = silence is golden
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:43, Reply)

he, oddly enough, is silent about the matter
hell, he ignored you for 2 years, that didn't do it. grow up.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:44, Reply)

that is because he is the one who behaved badly, you steampunk muppet

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

I used to believe this, the longer this goes on with him behaving like an adult and you behaving like an unbalanced teenager
the more I am inclined to believe that it's either something waaay to trivial to deserve your continued enmity or, quite possibly, just a figment of you addled brain.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:48, Reply)

PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:39, Reply)

i didn't bring it up, dude
captain mental did
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:41, Reply)

she never will.
enjoys it too much. it's disturbing frankly, imagine how fucked up her behaviour would be if the gender rolls were reversed i.e. if she didn't have tits meaning and us witless autist virgins didn't feel the need to pander to her.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:43, Reply)

have i stalked him online to post his real name and stuff on here?
no. did i say i would be happy if he died? no.

did i start this morning ranting about his harmless little hobby? no.

stick that up your lithium fuelled pipe and smoke it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:44, Reply)

You do know that I don't even like Chompy, right?
I just really, really pity him, your behaviour is disturbing.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

re read the above, dude
look at his sig.

THAT is threatening behaviour.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)

done and still you are the one I find scarier.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:51, Reply)

luckily, i couldn't give a single tiny fuck about your opinion

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:55, Reply)

liar liar pants on fire.:P
or is that your pubes?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:56, Reply)

look man
i don't care if you think hypo-chomp is the better human being.

but the fanta pants jokes are beyond the pale. burn in hell.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:57, Reply)

Hey, feel free to follow me around for 2 years butthurting about it if that makes you feel better.
mental.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 15 Aug 2013, 12:08, Reply)

You could change the subject by Joining SC's side thread
and tell us all about your awkward one nights fumble with Cap. Cavy
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)

ssssh, rory might see
and go after him with a shotgun
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)

You'll get over her.
I did.

So did Baldrick, actually.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:32, Reply)

I dunno, I leave you chaps alone for an hour to do some 'work'...
and you're still harping on about the same old shite.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:45, Reply)

Start a new fred then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

I don't have that level of authority.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Take a week or a month off, it'll still be the same

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

NEW FRED

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)