Fellow workers! Bonjourno.
What does the week hold in store?

Alt: I have returned to over 2,000 e-mails. What's your record?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:11, 117 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Alright
Alt: After sending out about 3000 emails before the weekend, I received one reply which I have printed and stuck on the wall of my office for posterity, which simply said:

FUCK OFF YOU DUMB CUNT

Which, although accurate, I felt was a little strong.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:16, Reply)

Harsh but fair.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:29, Reply)

Serves you right for mailing Dozer

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:52, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KStsPPgeka4
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:20, Reply)

A rock n roll classic.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:28, Reply)

1927 of them were from various drug and alcohol support groups saying 'it's not too late, you could still pull yourself back from the brink of multi-organ failure'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:28, Reply)

I made no comment on the origin of the e-mails.
Join your own dots.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:29, Reply)

I could make a lovely picture connecting up all your spider naevi.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:46, Reply)

getting new flooring laid in my kitchen

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:42, Reply)

Who's new flooring?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:53, Reply)

One lamb in eight

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:55, Reply)

I hope it's OAK!!!!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:02, Reply)

Welcome back
Bastard.

Not much, just looking forward to payday now.

Alt: Once received 300+ in one night, after the backup went wrong, and was repeatedly firing out emails to me and our other IT guy. The problem was that he was off at the time, so his emails were being forwarded to me. That was fun to wade through in the morning.

In other news, Edmund reappeared this weekend. Only on twitter, mind.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:10, Reply)

Who knows?
Couple more job interviews, might paint a wall or 2, it's all go at Pig Manor.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:13, Reply)

I know, that's who

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:47, Reply)

A hangover so far and NO FUCKING COFFEE
One of our team is en-route to Sainsburys right now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:13, Reply)

Do you not have a kettle and cafetiere? Lazy cunt.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:16, Reply)

No, you don't understand
NO COFFEE = I cannot make coffee
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:21, Reply)

It's not fucking rocket science. Boil kettle, add to coffee. Add milk and sugar if you is a gay.
Truzt me it does work.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:24, Reply)

WE HAVE NO FUCKING COFFEE TO ADD!!!!*
* we do now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Just posting to say I've got loads of coffee.

( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:36, Reply)

Me too!
\o/
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:39, Reply)

Apologies. Dkdn't understand. Is tea not an option?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:38, Reply)

Are you fucking insane?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:39, Reply)

What is your problem with tea? It' s great.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:45, Reply)

Tea is great but coffee is best for mornings

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:47, Reply)

I'm actually looking forward to sausages. Got some lovely ones, red onion and cracked pepper. Grilled with a few tomatoes, and pile of scrambled egg, this will ne a good start to the week.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:14, Reply)

I had about 30 waiting for me when I went to Australia for 2 weeks...
I hope most of them are spam...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:16, Reply)

Fucking hell
I have about 30 waiting for me each morning
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Pfft. Amateur.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:22, Reply)

From this weekend
3, and one of those is from UPS about Quantum View.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:40, Reply)

Fuck off.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:22, Reply)

Up yours, titch.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:23, Reply)

I have one of the worst hangovers I have ever had.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:29, Reply)

Dunno how that could have happened.
you drinking tea with Boyce and all
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:36, Reply)

I have managed after he wandered off, when putting a bag of rubbish in the outside bin, to fall over, graze one of my knees and twist my ankle.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:37, Reply)

Self inflicted injuries, case dismissed

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:44, Reply)

Age.
First thing to go is your hair, then your hearing and eyesight, then your balance.

Means the next thing you've got to look forward to is incontinence. Enjoy that. On the plus side, Stunned's ahead of you on that score.
( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:48, Reply)

Should have stayed about from it

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:48, Reply)

tggi^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:52, Reply)

Dunno, few hundred. I work in a team of four so it's not often I get hit with lots of emails.
On the other hand, every time BT have a service outage, I get an email from the monitoring software to say it's lost contact with each branch's router. Then another set when it all comes back up again.

Power outages are worse, as the UPS will email three times to say "Help, I've lost mains power", "Help, I'm now running out of battery power" and "I'm dyyyying heeeeelp meeeeeeee.....". Once the power comes back up they'll email with "OH HI, no, I'm fine thanks. Mains power came back. Thanks for your concern, wanker. No, don't bother to apologise. Twat."

We have rather dramatic hardware.
( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:35, Reply)

lols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:39, Reply)

Haha.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:44, Reply)

If you run some bit of our code a small popup box used to appear saying
LEEDS IS SHIT
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:48, Reply)

hahaha.
One of our dev databases is full of references to Terry Nutkins.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:49, Reply)

Our demo systems are all soap characters and streets
STAY ABOUT FROM PAUL ROBINSON
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

One of our internal developers coded some internal reporting software.
He included some interested error messages like "Hands off", "Sorry, I've died" and "No, you've done that wrong."

He left five years ago and, as yet, nobody has been bothered enough to change them.
( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

My debugging normally has HORSE1,2,3,4,etc

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

Xerox printers all have a text file telling then what to say when out of toner or when ready to print etc.
Somebody found out where it was and, for a while, te printers would post messages musing about philosophy and life in general. They all mysteriously stopped doing so when my colleague Dave left.
( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:56, Reply)

I keep meaning to get the database to email me when it's full.
As of yet I haven't been arsed.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:49, Reply)

NO IT CHAT.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:50, Reply)

BEEP BEEP RITCHIE

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

Is it Friday yet?
*checks clock*
*checks job queue*
*finds nothing that can't be put off/is actually interesting*
*checks b3ta*
*looks busy*
*doodles*
*checks clock*
etc

Alt: Anyone that doesn't email a problem directly to our helpdesk software as directed can fuck right off. Select All + Delete. If I'm bored I might sort the inbox by sender and block delete just in case. *checks clock*
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

gym, theatre, week back on the 500 cal diet to give things a kickstart, which is a bit depressing, but meh
drinks with you and your boyfriend SOON.

alt: i get about 200-300 a day, although a huge number of those are conflict searches or spam that don't require any action. my bb is glued to my hand at all times, even on the beach, so i never let them build up.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

Shut up.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 9:59, Reply)

^ beer mouse ^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:00, Reply)

I think it was the port on top of everything else that is killing me this morning.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:01, Reply)

Sailors a bit rough with you, eh?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:03, Reply)

His star was boarded

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:03, Reply)

I heard they all walked his plank.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:04, Reply)

Well, I say 'plank'.
I heard it was more like a lolly stick. A 'tongue depresser' in more ways than one.

Just what I heard, mind.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:06, Reply)

ZING!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:06, Reply)

I say this at the same time as feeling like someone put a crossbow bolt through my temples

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:03, Reply)

I think what's more worrying is that I had a bottle of wine and a brandy last night and I'm fine.

( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:06, Reply)

I went to pour myself a drink last night and forgot the alcohol.
It was only after I finished that I thought 'that didn't have much kick'.

/spaz
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:08, Reply)

Try six pints, a few cans, three bottles of red and a bottle of port.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

That was your personal consumption, was it?

( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:10, Reply)

We shared the wine & port, other than that, yes.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:11, Reply)

I was going to say,
if I'd had that much, I'd be dead. You're lucky you've just got a nasty hangover.
( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:11, Reply)

Amateur.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

If there's one thing the French know, it's how to drink all day without falling down.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:14, Reply)

I dunno, personally I'm quite glad I don't have tolerance for huge amounts of alcohol.

( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

Good on you! So many people are insecure about their sexuality.
I personally think its beautiful that you can admit it.
( Peej, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:25, Reply)

I'm secure in my femininity.

( Kroney, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Lol.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:28, Reply)

Getting my hair cut in an hour. That should be exciting.
Other than that, there is work, more work, filing tax return, and a bit more work.

Alt: BT had this interesting quirk for a while of resending me everything they had on their server. The same 3000 emails every time I switched on mail, for about a week. That was fun.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:01, Reply)

Sorry but I still don't believe you exist

( Peej, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:23, Reply)

Ah, the old 'Bill Clay' problem.....

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:29, Reply)

If indeed it really is a problem

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:33, Reply)

Always one step ahead, aren't you 'Bill Clay'?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:34, Reply)

I powerwalk through the crowds of life with a singular determination and jabby elbows doc

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:39, Reply)

Bad news for Boyce here
www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/london-property-only-affordable-to-extraterrestrials-2013102180516
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:40, Reply)

Ha! Nice.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:41, Reply)