I'm going to an open mic night tomorrow, what shall I do to entertain the great unwashed?
Bear in mind I can't play an instrument, or sing. Maybe a bit of stand-up?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:18, 152 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

read a poem, drunks love poetry

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:20, Reply)

tell us a joke then.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:22, Reply)

* gets popcorn*

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:29, Reply)

Take the wife...please.
I may consult Bernard Manning's jokebook, that should go down well with the yurt folkies.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Go with "The Aristocrats" joke.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:40, Reply)

Don't go.
Open mic nights are for pricks.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:22, Reply)

^^^

( Kroney, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:24, Reply)

You get some very talented musos at this one.
Not just shit versions of Bob Dylan.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:28, Reply)

Fart the National anthem

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:23, Reply)

Out of your nose.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:24, Reply)

This.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:31, Reply)

Bludgeon a puppy to death with a false limb.

( Muns, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:25, Reply)

Sit quietly with a drink and leave with your feelings intact?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:29, Reply)

Retain your dignity by saying something like
"We've got these acts on - we really hope you enjoy them and have a good evening, because if you do, we're going to try and turn this into a regular event. So without further ado - here's (whoever the act's name is)."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:32, Reply)

Tell them the one about the two old men in deck chairs that Eric Morecambe never told

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:36, Reply)

What's that?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:37, Reply)

1st Man, "It's nice out."
2nd Man, "I think I'll get mine out."
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:39, Reply)

its a simple winner
step 1: acquire a "lady of the night"
step 2: get on to the stage
step 3: remove all clothing
step 4: plough into the aforementioned "lady" for the viewing "pleasure" of the rabble
step 5: ?
step 6: PROFIT
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:54, Reply)

Bareback?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:00, Reply)

open mic nights are shit and frequented by Captain Placid 'real music' cunts

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:54, Reply)

What's that sound like then, real music?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:57, Reply)

acoustic guitars
Anything else is 'shit'.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:58, Reply)

Oh. Like in Deliverance?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:00, Reply)

yer

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:01, Reply)

Don't forget the Mongolian nose flutes!
Perhaps the 'DJ' types could do a live set - unplugged and without effects - that'd be something to see.
Or maybe they could just plug in their latest computerised, compressed-to-buggery-plagiarised-shitefest on a stick into the laptop and fuck off to the bar awaiting the adulation of the mentally subnormal deformed cunts who like that sort of thing.

Just sayin'
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:42, Reply)

you clearly have no idea of what you're talking about here

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:43, Reply)

There's a lot more to DJing than you think, Gramps.
You have to have a good ear for beat matching and timing. You need to really know the tunes you are playing and how they mould to another tune.

Several mates of mine also produce their own mixes and compose melodies.

and this is before you add effects to a song to make it sound different.

It's not just hit a button and make bleep bloop noises.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:47, Reply)

How does that work with a screw on plastic ear?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:53, Reply)

Ah, I DJ'd before the deafness took a grip.
I have in the ear ones so could still do it now, no point damaging it further.
Last time I did a set was for my 30th birthday.

Like riding a bike.

But enough about YM.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:56, Reply)

also, it takes a lot more skill to do it properly than it does to learn some basic chords and be able to play acoustic guitar
I am generalizing a bit here, but any old cunt can learn to play wonderwall, house of the rising sun, creep, if you could read my mind etc etc but very few DJs can mix like Jeff Mills.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:02, Reply)

I'm in no way a great DJ. I can mix a lot of different genre's etc. butt hat's as far as my talents go.
I like doing it though, as a hobby. Love music, always have done.

I find it harder to do it from a laptop than decks, but practice makes perfect. Vinyl is beyond me!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:16, Reply)

Butt hats!
You benders and your fashionista ways!
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:17, Reply)

Jaunty!
I dun a lol
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:50, Reply)

you see, the fact that the sync button is eschewed the vast majority of DJs should show that the whole 'memory stick in laptop and then fuck off' thing
Is something that Placid has invented because he has no idea about how electronic music is composed, produced or performed. Or that while there is a lot of cheap shitty chart dance, it bears little resemblance to good stuff. Or the amount of time, effort and skill that goes into good electronic stuff. Or that DJing is a fundamentally different performance paradigm from bands playing live. It's no better or worse (if there things can be defined in such asinine terms), just fundamentally different.

Plus, he's a boring wanker.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:27, Reply)

I like all sorts of music, and if you are serious there it's extremely narrow minded and uninformed, and makes you look very old fashioned, with an outdated viewpoint, and a bit of a knob.
Oh yeah, just sayin'
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:48, Reply)

agreeing here
So many fail points it's incredible.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:57, Reply)

I've seen loads of electronic acts playing live.
Also, total failure to explain why 'unplugged' is any better than 'plugged'. I can think of several acts who use traditional instruments who would be totally unable to do 'unplugged' sets.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:00, Reply)

They don't sound too different to every other person
that thinks the music they listen to is somehow better than others.
( Kroney, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:00, Reply)

and maybe some hand bells.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:00, Reply)

I'm not shaking hankies for you
or anybody else GJ
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:03, Reply)

Well, your selfish ways will no doubt spoil what was going to be a lovely evening!!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:07, Reply)

It's like music
only flatter, darker, and served in a glass with a handle.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:40, Reply)

They can be.
This one's pretty good. Alternatively, one could listen to some crappy pre-recorded shit, or some crappy dj. It's good to see live stuff.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 16:59, Reply)

live stuff can be good
But just because it's live doesn't make it any better.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:00, Reply)

And if it's at a pub that invites some prick off the streets
to "perform" in front of their punters, it is invariably quite the opposite.
( Kroney, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:03, Reply)

my local do open mic on Fridays
They have counts playing the banjo. Sweet baby Jesus it's shit.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:16, Reply)

Did you post that with autocorrect on?
Cos, y'know, we can probably cope with a bit of swearing otherwise.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:41, Reply)

I miss Reg when I see that :(

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:42, Reply)

:(

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:45, Reply)

yer
But I left it like that, I sort of like it.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:42, Reply)

I suggest you demand they put on a long black cape before the start banjoing.
for the lulz.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:44, Reply)

Of course not,
it's good to see peoples' interpretations of stuff.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:05, Reply)

To be fair, almost any live performance gets
my appreciation.
I can't do it so them as does is my heroes.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:01, Reply)

I don't know.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:35, Reply)

Have a good time in Spainland then?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:42, Reply)

I tore through that city like a whirling dervish of excess bringing joy and pain in equal measure.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:45, Reply)

Your life story via the medium of interpretive dance.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:41, Reply)

You wouldn't want to see that mate.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:46, Reply)

Get naked, smear yourself in feaces and smash a wine bottle over your head then kill yourself
Call it performance art
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:50, Reply)

Needs more account deletion.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:57, Reply)

I call that Wednesday morning.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 17:59, Reply)

Why not give a business presentation on how to build a large and successful property portfolio?
1: get born
2: mooch around
3: kill mother
4:????????
5: profit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:02, Reply)

Hello Rory.
Unsteppede?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:27, Reply)

I ent Rory, I just try and maintain a level of consistency on these pages

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:46, Reply)

Ball bags

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:35, Reply)

onion bags.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:36, Reply)

Ball gags

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:40, Reply)

Spherical based jokes

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 18:51, Reply)

Bin Bags.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:09, Reply)

testicles. testicle's.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:13, Reply)

NEW BALLS, PLEASE!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:14, Reply)

ball's

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:15, Reply)

F'uck off'

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:17, Reply)

;)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:18, Reply)

Big hairy danglers.
How are we spending our evening OT?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:15, Reply)

I'm making a Kashmiri curry, FYI

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:16, Reply)

so far hanging around at work now hanging around a train station then I might get home about half 9 :(

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:17, Reply)

Urgh. No to all of that.
Work has been a slow burner today and lack of B3ta input hasn't helped matters
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:22, Reply)

today=shit

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:45, Reply)

worst cover version of Slipknot ever

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:46, Reply)

Paying our subcontractors personal debts off
This is not something I should be doing.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:24, Reply)

Hope you're getting a little something extra then.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:29, Reply)

She does a good job and I need to keep her
It's a loss leader, I suppose.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:32, Reply)

Think I'll make a pizza. Got some basez done, just sort out some toppings.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:28, Reply)

alright

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:30, Reply)

*nods*
'sup?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:34, Reply)

innit bruv

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:36, Reply)

There must be some new thread mileage in the fact that Bono and Oprah are attending the Mandela homage.

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:37, Reply)

There's a condolence book for him at Manchester town hall.
Don't think hes ever been here.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:48, Reply)

I think he had the opportunity but asked to go to prison for 27 years instead of ever having to meet a load of Manc twats

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:29, Reply)

He probs met some in nick innit.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:34, Reply)

Do your best Jimmy Savile impression.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:39, Reply)

Knackers

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:58, Reply)

nine inch nackers

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 19:59, Reply)

Nackers With Attitude

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:03, Reply)

march of the pricks

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:05, Reply)

Happiness in Prickery

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:20, Reply)

big man with a prick

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:29, Reply)

Head Like a Prick

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:32, Reply)

Pricky Hate Machine

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:33, Reply)

Get Down Make Love
with a prick
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:33, Reply)

Piston did some classic stand up a few years ago which I was unfortunately too late to see on YouTube.
Apparently b3tans shouldn't do stand up.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:25, Reply)

ESPECIALLY if it's free to b3tans.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:30, Reply)

The mockery enzued it taken down pretty quick.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:35, Reply)

Where are Xavier the happy bear and Stibbins when you need them eh?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:35, Reply)

masquerading as 'comedy' christmas name

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:36, Reply)

Is that them? I'm a bit behind on the name changers.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:37, Reply)

dunno
I thought it was shambolic for a bit.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:39, Reply)

Research says Drimble

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:44, Reply)

I like Drimble

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:47, Reply)

You like all sorts of things you shouldn't you filthy beggar

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:48, Reply)

I like nine inch nails, I've been listening to them this evening
listening to the Phantom Band now.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:49, Reply)

Groove armada at the moment. Bit rubbish though.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:51, Reply)

they are mainly shit
Superstylin's alright though.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:52, Reply)

nowhere near as shit as Faithless though

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:53, Reply)

I liked at the river until marks and spencer made it 'the song on the m&s advert'

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:53, Reply)

if you're fond of sand dunes and salty air
You're a bent prick, hope this helps xx
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:55, Reply)

plus, have some REAL PROPER MUSIC
youtu.be/cYXP95Z_SjU
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:56, Reply)

That's quite nice innit

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:59, Reply)

I fucking love Palace/ Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
'ave this one an' all

youtu.be/SzOIw-NsG9M
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:00, Reply)

x

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:58, Reply)

xx

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:59, Reply)

Alright Froglet!
And that other cunt who averages 1.5 replies.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:44, Reply)

Hello edj! You okay pal?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:45, Reply)

On top of the world Ma.
What you been up to?
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:54, Reply)

Trying to recover from a heavy weekend away, it's not working though.
Not even home from work yet :(
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:57, Reply)

That's the trouble with being dedicated.
It takes it out of you.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:00, Reply)

get fucked

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:48, Reply)

I do, although infrequently.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:58, Reply)

I'm not too keen on other bears here.
Furry bastRds.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:45, Reply)

That was you though wasn't it?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:46, Reply)

I'm a shaven bear.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:49, Reply)

I don't think I wish to know this personal information.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:51, Reply)

Sorry I see what you mean. No none of them were me.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:54, Reply)

This admission was what made me think it was you
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2159045
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:56, Reply)

No sausage dabbling unfortunately.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:57, Reply)

BORED

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 20:58, Reply)

GNAWED

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:00, Reply)

FLAWED

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:00, Reply)

WHORED

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:01, Reply)

CORED

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:01, Reply)

MY SWEET LORD

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:03, Reply)

Hi all, it's me, yes that's right ME

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:03, Reply)

yay
can you make me less bored?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:03, Reply)

That depends on exactly how bored you are

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:04, Reply)

Oh no, not that prick

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:04, Reply)

Who are we on about, just for the hell of it I hate them whoever they are

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:05, Reply)

That one with the hair.
Bastard.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:07, Reply)

^ Baldy ^

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:07, Reply)

What are you doing here fuckflaps?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:04, Reply)

I live here :(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:06, Reply)

Started a new thread.

CUNTS.


( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Dec 2013, 21:07, Reply)