Well done Nakers for getting the week on here to a cracking start
Who is the biggest bent spastic you know offline?

Alt: When was the last time someone shouted at you? What was their reason?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:12, 109 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

My mate Harry
We have convinced him of many things over the time, the best being that Jimi Hendrix was a white guy who was so shy he wore a mask on stage and Terry Waite was trying to kill him
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:18, Reply)

I only recently found out that Freddie Mercury was a darkie

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:26, Reply)

officelol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:39, Reply)

He liked it up the darkie

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:39, Reply)

I don't tend to associate with bent spastics offline.
Alt: I have two kids, so I am always being shouted at. The reasons vary but include anger, frustration, excitement and happiness.
Kids are loud and annoying.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:19, Reply)

The girl I work with who thought Belgium was in Germany
Alt: Nah, someone shouts at me in a dream they better wake up and apologise.
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:21, Reply)

This Saturday I was punched in the face whilst being screamed at
Its really my fault. I told a 2 year old she was out when playing musical chairs.
( Peej, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:25, Reply)

Ah they bring so much joy, don't they?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:26, Reply)

Didn't see my daughter this weekend as my ex took her to Cambridgeshire.
My stupid ex couldn't work the sat nav, so called me shouting & crying that she didn't know which motorway she was on. This, of course, was my fault. FFS.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:28, Reply)

Women always expect you to be able to give directions without knowing where you are directing them from.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:29, Reply)

Apparently it was my fault for buying a car that has a nav system that she can't understand.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:30, Reply)

I guess they just put a gajillion signs up on the motorways for a larf these days
cos no fucker seems to have the ability to read them.
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:34, Reply)

Tell her to buy a map

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:37, Reply)

She's female.
Women can't read maps. Fact.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:39, Reply)

this^
Mrs Cow has NO sense of direction (or smell)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:41, Reply)

or taste in men

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:05, Reply)

Zing.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:06, Reply)

indeed

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:07, Reply)

Is here all week.

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:12, Reply)

at least someone is

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:14, Reply)

I am too (apart from Thursday afternoon)

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:17, Reply)

i've met you
you're definitely a spastic. and I suspect you might be bent. so YOU.

alt: I got shouted at yesterday, for asking for "rubber sucky things" in homebase. apparently I should have KNOWN it was a "spotlight removal tool".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:34, Reply)

You are a fucking idiot.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:35, Reply)

i would say change the tune
but I suspect you can't reach the stereo
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:38, Reply)

I need one of those

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:40, Reply)

we found one in ryness, in the end

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Cool story.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:43, Reply)

Driest of all the loch monsters

(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:44, Reply)

Recently a colleague was typesetting the outside and inside front and back covers of an A4 book. The inside covers were completely blank - not even page numbers, barcodes or anything at all.
The client asked for a copy of the inside covers to proof-read.

This resulted in my colleague 'printing' and supplying two sheets of completely blank A4, which I then had to sign over to them.

Awesome.

Last time someone shouted at me was a cyclist telling me I was a prick because I wouldn't get out of his way on the pavement. Told me "You're fucking out of order you prick."

It aroused me no end.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:35, Reply)

YOU ARE NOT SAVING THE PLANET
ALL YOU ARE DOING IS CREATING TRAFFIC JAMS. ALL. OVER. IT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:38, Reply)

I hope you were sporting at least a semi.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:35, Reply)

I don't know anyone offline.

A motorist when he almost ran over me. The fact that I was halfway across the road before he turned into it didn't count.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 9:51, Reply)

Well this is shit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:01, Reply)

where the fuck is everyone?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:03, Reply)

How the fuck should I know?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:05, Reply)

some of us work
(occasionally)
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:06, Reply)

I hate it when I have to do that
Which I am doing today. E-commerce strategy. Dull. Dull. Dull.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:08, Reply)

Create Online Shop
Sell stuff on it
make people aware that you have an online shop...

There you go.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:12, Reply)

isn't that what b3th does?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:15, Reply)

I dunno,
But if so there cant be much in the way of strategy needed.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:17, Reply)

Part time, maybe

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:17, Reply)

Not quite
but I have done in the past.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:28, Reply)

Trying to work out our new email system
Swapped from Outlook to Gmail.

SHIT!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:06, Reply)

I was trying to sort out the missus' work laptop
to get Outlook to accept "Out It Goes" as the mail account, what a piece of shit that is
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:07, Reply)

We are using Outlook for calendars and Gmail for email.
Not confusing at all
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:17, Reply)

cool story zzzzzzzzzz

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:23, Reply)

Outlook is unremittingly shit.
The old feller loves it, and can't understand why I refuse to use it.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:23, Reply)

Outlook is only usable if you run an Exchange server
without that most of the "features" aren't there and you're left with a shit email client. At least if you have a server you get a few useful features that make it easier to put up with the shit client part.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:25, Reply)

What email client would you use instead?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Mozilla Thunderbird

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:29, Reply)

He said email client, not tramp wine

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:30, Reply)

Fab

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:30, Reply)

Tried that. Didn't like it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:30, Reply)

Is a preference thing, really
Depends if you like the look and if it does what you want.
Same as IE v Firefox v chrome browsers.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:34, Reply)

I prefer chrome.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:35, Reply)

Alright Dozer

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:36, Reply)

*golf clap*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:37, Reply)

I have never been so insulted in my life.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:37, Reply)

I find that hard to believe.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I prefer Firefox on PC
but Opera and chrome on my phone, FF mobile was a disappointment.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:52, Reply)

I used chrome on all my devices, that way bookmarks etc. are sync'd.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:54, Reply)

yeah, that's why I wanted ff mobile, but in the end I hated it

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:57, Reply)

His penis, right?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Oh, zing.
Morning, you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:27, Reply)

Morning mrs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:28, Reply)

alright

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:19, Reply)

yer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Actually, no
It's fucking freezing in here today
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Put a second t-shirt on then.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:27, Reply)

Oh ho
I've even got a long sleeved shirt on today
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:28, Reply)

Fucking poof.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:28, Reply)

INORITE
I went for a run yesterday and ran past a small child who was jumping in a puddle in his wellies, TO BREAK THE FUCKING ICE IN IT
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:29, Reply)

One of the benefits of living so far south.
I haven't worn a coat yet this winter.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:32, Reply)

Well you do carry a lot of spare insulation

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:33, Reply)

Well, there is that, too.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:36, Reply)

Good morrow young Dozingberry.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:26, Reply)

alright edjogs
Good weekend? I went to see that 12 Years a Slave.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:29, Reply)

Good Ta.
Fancied that fillum.
Good?
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:33, Reply)

very good indeed
But I never want to watch it again. Ever.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:35, Reply)

I've read some reviews that suggested it lacks emotion in the general portrayal of the whole thing
which seemed a little unlikely, although given his earlier films I suppose is possible. I take it that wasn't the case?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:38, Reply)

Achingly beautiful

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:39, Reply)

quite so

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:41, Reply)

it's clinical in that Steve McQueen uses his trademark long, single camera shots
But the main emotions it provokes are anger and disgust, not just via the subject matter, but lingering shots of faces, beatings, lynchings and whippings.

You won't want to watch it a second time.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:50, Reply)

you still wanked into your popcorn

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 11:05, Reply)

I don't picture him as the Mickey Rourke type

(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 11:29, Reply)

I work with the general public.
I'm surrounded by witless spastics. They're everybastardwhere.

Alt: the last time I was at work, when a drug-seeking customer got loud and sweary over the phone at us. In the end, we had to refuse to serve her any more and ban her from the pharmacy.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:26, Reply)

A drug seeking customer phoning a pharmacy?
Should be banned.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:29, Reply)

Every month she's a bit earlier
because she's 'misplaced' some of her pills.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:31, Reply)

Is she officially "mental health"

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:34, Reply)

According to her mother
who also phoned up to shout at us, yes.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:37, Reply)

Shout back louder!

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I donno what she expects, phamacests don't have anything good in them these days anyway, they have to order it in unless they have regulars.
As if anyone phamacists is going to go "I went to medical school for 7 year, I don't really need my qualifications, here, have some codine".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Mind you, I once got banned for Boots Southgate for buying Solphadeen twice in one month from the same place.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:59, Reply)

Alt:
yesterday my daughter shouted at me for about 3 minutes solidly. Since she can't talk, though, I've no fucking idea what she wanted.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:36, Reply)

When my daughter was just learning to talk I went upstairs to tuck her in and she rolled over, woke up and said
"Somebody died", then went back to sleep

ARGH! KILL IT WITH HAMMERS!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:39, Reply)

My daughter has discovered lying. It's hilarious.
Me: what did mummy give you for lunch?
Her: chocolate pasta.
Me: Really?
Her: No.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:42, Reply)

haha!
Her mum is Gonz?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:44, Reply)

I'm pretty sure my daughter is going to be some kind of innovative swearing champion
by the time she's 2. Which will be fun at nursery.

"Er, Dr Badger, today Mini B called one of the other children a cockwomble. Have you any idea where she heard that?"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:47, Reply)

Cbeebies

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:49, Reply)

hahahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:52, Reply)

Who on here has the child that mentioned Helen Keller's drum kit? That was excellent.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:49, Reply)

I have that child
I mean its not mine but the lock on the cellar is very strong
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:54, Reply)

Maybe she is the cause
of the inlaws last year, just saying
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:48, Reply)

hmmmm

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:52, Reply)

there was an amusing buzzfeed link the other day
(shamelessly stolen from reddit) with creepy things that people's kids have said to them.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 11:04, Reply)

Things like:
Wrong hole daddy.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 11:16, Reply)

This is good training for when she turns into a woman.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 13 Jan 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Hmm...
I honestly can't remember when I was last shouted at.
I don't think anyone would be that daft.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 11:23, Reply)

YOU'RE A THICK CUNT

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 11:28, Reply)