Get up losers
I'm early today, got a shitty meeting. Why is it that even at 7.30 the fucking tube is rammed? We need a cull. Who would you cull?

Alt: secret dirty crush? Someone you know you shouldn't but you kinda would? I'd have to admit to Russell brand. Even though he'd need a bath first.

Altalt: breakfast?!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 7:47, 114 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

I'm always early
Alt: MEATSNAKE

Altalt: chicken fried steak, egg, chips, sausage, bacons, haggis and frosties
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 7:51, Reply)

I'm so glad I answered you're poxy thread for this scintillating chat

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:01, Reply)

i has meeting now
back laters
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:27, Reply)

^ great chieftain o' the puddin' race

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:02, Reply)

No one in Scotland has a sonsie face

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:15, Reply)

That breakfast sounds awesome. I have gameburgers, and ducky poached eggs.
I try to be on time, or phone if running late, manners innit?
Fatties pushing trolleys in the supermarket deserve culling it must be said. And fat parent/offspring combos.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:04, Reply)

alt: Sian Williams

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:02, Reply)

Morning
'Why is it that even at 7.30 the fucking tube is rammed?' -Because London is an overpopulated, overpriced festering sore on the arse of the world - and all of the maggots want a bit of the pus.
I would cull everyone who was inside a football stadium on a particularly busy weekend for the game.
Alt: In her younger days - Edwina currie
Altalt: Brown toast. Tea - lots of tea
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:04, Reply)

Edwina Currie ffs?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:05, Reply)

Oh yes -Edwina Currie
A bit strict and Schoolmarmy on the outside, all kinky on the inside. See also Alex Polizzi.
I'm going for a little lie-down.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:11, Reply)

I bet you'd have a bit of Gillian Mckeith given half a Viagra and some house wine

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:13, Reply)

Nope
Doesn't have whatever it is that Edwina and Alex seem to have. Can't explain it any better than that.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:19, Reply)

polizzi salmond
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:28, Reply)

Whaaaa whaaaa whaaa, I'm too weak minded and soft to enjoy one of the worlds greatest cities, I think I'll live in Cov instead

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:06, Reply)

Lived and worked there for nearly two years

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:09, Reply)

And it broke you, pussy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:10, Reply)

Nope, made some money but realised I hadn't enjoyed the place much in 2 years
Only been back twice* in the last 17 years. The place hasn't improved.

*Seasick Steve gig in 2010 and a trade show last week.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:15, Reply)

Admit it, you haven't got the balls to make the most of it
So you scuttled off to the provinces to wallow in mediocrity
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:20, Reply)

Pussyole bumpkin be all like "Oh noes, dayer open on sundayz and I can by fags at 2am"
Proper Londers are the salt of this earth, and know how to escape the city when it gets a bit too awesome.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:02, Reply)

such an angry man.

( wanderlust, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:10, Reply)

+ fat, dull, slow witted

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:11, Reply)

Such a terrible shit hole
"London is already remarkably heavily wooded. The [Forestry] commission says that there are some 65,000 woodlands and stands of trees in the city, covering over 17,500 acres, just under a fifth of the entire area of Greater London. Over 12,000 acres of this is made up of sizeable woods of at least 22 acres. And two-thirds of it is registered as ancient woodland, suggesting that it is part of the original forest which once covered the country."
( Kroney, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:18, Reply)

I lived in London doing hospital practice. Travel was a nightmare, I ended up flogging the car. And cyclists are absolute cunts.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:24, Reply)

It's got its problems, though I've not found driving to be any worse than anywhere else
but I do take exception to some chipster claiming that a Sixties concrete eyesore of a provincial market town is somehow a better place to live because he once spent a couple of years in Walthamstow and didn't like it.

And cyclists are utter cunts all over the country.
( Kroney, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:28, Reply)

Horses can be an arse pain in the sticks around here. Long faced cunts, shitting everywhere.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:32, Reply)

There are quite a few horses round here - generally they're ok but....
...Not far from my gaff there's a polo ground - the riders can be less than courteous when using the road
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:44, Reply)

reverse snobbery ^

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:47, Reply)

The ones from the stud farm just up the road are great - really polite and actually like a chat*
The Polo boys are a bit offish.

*I see them in the village fairly often - they like the horses to drink from the spring
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:52, Reply)

well they are hardly likely to engage in conversation with a prole such as yourself now, are they?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:53, Reply)

Horse owners aregenerally cocks. They seem to ignore road rules, much the same way cyclists do.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:48, Reply)

Joins the London is a shit place bandwagon

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:20, Reply)

I'd three up with Kerry Katona, and Daniella Westbrook.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:21, Reply)

Now THAT'S filth right there

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:22, Reply)

I'd fuck Westbrook right up her mono nostril

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:24, Reply)

She's told me that you're not her type. Sorry man.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:30, Reply)

oh well, Monty it is then

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:36, Reply)

I've heard he scrubs up well. He can bring his own coke though.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:41, Reply)

*buys shares in brillo*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:53, Reply)

A haircut wouldn't be out of place too.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:17, Reply)

Top and tails

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:20, Reply)

+ samurai
+ knot
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:22, Reply)

OK

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:33, Reply)

Singer-songwriters.
I'd cull them right in their stupid, screwed-up 'really mean it, man' faces.

Alt: Ms Shenanigans
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:55, Reply)

what are you then?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:56, Reply)

Not a fucking singer-songwriter.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:57, Reply)

that Will Oldham cunt will be second against the wall after Bob Dylan

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:57, Reply)

What about that Sheeran chap?

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:57, Reply)

Don't really know who he is.
I stopped listening to 'the charts' when I was 12.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:59, Reply)

Wow, you're SO COOL, I wish I could be you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:17, Reply)

I don't think you do.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:28, Reply)

shove a stapler through your eyebrow so you can really stick it to society and the man and show them how alternative and wacky you are

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:02, Reply)

you protest way too much.
Nobody's convinced.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:05, Reply)

I think she wants to touch your mancunt

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:29, Reply)

Alt: Lucy Liu
AltAlt: Apple biscuits.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 8:59, Reply)

Apple biscuits?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:05, Reply)

Lucy Liu - oh yes
How about Kelly Hu? Ming-Na Wen?
All of them, absolutely, indubitably would.*

*They wouldn't.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:06, Reply)

chinky birds' fannies open up sideways

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:09, Reply)

Evolution gone mad

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:18, Reply)

kelly doctor
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:10, Reply)

Not really secret dirty crushes though

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:21, Reply)

I have appale cake

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:25, Reply)

I wonder what fenella fielding would look like without the wig

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:04, Reply)

Bald?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:06, Reply)

it's so obvious now you say it

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:07, Reply)

I'd cull all the fucking Northerners that think they are Londoners.
They can fuck the fuck off back oop North.

Alt alt: Weetabix. (shudders)
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:25, Reply)

haha you'd send Swipe back to Rochdale!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:33, Reply)

Yeah, I can't bear listening to people who aren't from London complaining about all the cunts in London.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:40, Reply)

be much easier just to cull everyone south of the river
that's where all the shit bits are anyway
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:46, Reply)

oi!

( wanderlust, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:50, Reply)

it's ok, you can come and stay with lemmy when the cull happens

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:03, Reply)

thanks.
I really like where I live now though. Lots of lovely parks and good boozers, good markets and it's not populated by complete cunts.
( wanderlust, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:09, Reply)

How the fuck would you know?
You couldn't find your arse with both hands in this City.

Why don't you go black home!!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:51, Reply)

Cheshire is good.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:55, Reply)

No it isn't.
It's "fucking" "shit". That's why we have their detritus.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:59, Reply)

cheshire is lovely
but it does have its shit bits too, sad tiemz
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:02, Reply)

i've lived here more than half my life
you name a shit bit, it's south of that river. even your cat didn't want to stay there. OFF WITH YOUR HEADS.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:01, Reply)

Don't talk bollocks.
Hammersmith, where you live, is a hole. As is Shepherds Bush and endless other places north of the river.

Pseudo-posh, chipped shoulder, chippy northerner that you are. You are no better than the other wogs, slavs and various other ne'er do wells I am forced to share my hometown with.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:05, Reply)

There are nice places south of the river. No really, there are. Dulwich, Kennington, Richmond, Greenwich, Camberwell. But for every quaint little Putney, there’s a Peckham, Lewisham, Nunhead or Plumstead Common.

Maybe it’s just a titular thing, but some of these names are enough to send chills down the spine of any north Londoner. They sound weird. They denote a barbaric wasteland perpetually stuck in 1952.

it goes further than simple linguistics. You have to be a Londoner to fully understand the north/south divide. It’s an innate, instinctive sense of right or wrong, heaven or hell. North and south London are just… different. When I sounded people out about the differences I was told “it feels different”, “they speak funny”, “they’re backwards”, and “it’s just not right”.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:17, Reply)

British by birth, English by the grace of God, Londoner by Devine intervention, North of the river by pure luck.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:06, Reply)

there are 3 types of people on this earth
yorkshiremen
those who pray every night to become yorkshiremen
those singularly lacking in ambition
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:18, Reply)

I'd cull Russell Brand, right in his smug fucking face
Alt:
Steph breakfast

AltAlt:
Coffee and toast
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:32, Reply)

Any joy with that thing?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:33, Reply)

Yer
Spoke to a mate who has just set up his own firm. Looking into it now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:18, Reply)

keep me posted, yeah

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:19, Reply)

i'd post you
i'd post you to iraq without paying for the stamp
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:20, Reply)

You love me really.
Nae cunt's convinced by yir ceaseless campaign ay bullyin'.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:33, Reply)

I shall do

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Morning cow.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:41, Reply)

Morning landlord

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:18, Reply)

I bet Lorain Kelly has really musty granny panties.
Or all the Loose Womin at the same time in some kind of competition.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:50, Reply)

Sexual leapfrog with all the Loose Wimmin!
Sweet.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:52, Reply)

I'm going to declare myself the winner, and take the prize of a lovely hamper from Marks.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 9:54, Reply)

I'd go through most of them

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Janet Street Porter is one though
Bit like Russian roulette
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:31, Reply)

Andrea McLean - yes, the rest of them - GTF

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:37, Reply)

Jackie Brambles?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:43, Reply)

I've got to level with you here Sporters. I'm not a regular viewer.
All I've seen is McLean, Street-Porter, Hewson and 1 or 2 other nobodies.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 16 Sep 2014, 10:45, Reply)