Right my fellow B3tans, I need your help.
I live in a row of terraced houses and one of my neighbours is driving me insane.

He thinks he's Donovan. He plays his guitar and sings folk songs from about 8.30 to 10.30 in the evenings. Not every day but more days than I would like. I can't play loud music to drown him out or turn the tv up really loudly because then the other neighbours would be put out. Why should they have to suffer because I am. The sound also carries through to my bedroom and so if I go to bed I have to wear earplugs to block him out. It's not very loud but loud enough to chip away at my sanity each evening.

I did speak to him about this once and I thought we had come to an amicable agreement that he would meet me half way and cut down the times he would do this but unfortunately he's a dickhead and hasn't lived up to the bargain.

I need to find ways of making his life a misery. His teenage daughter seems to be starting the ball rolling from what I can tell by his screaming outbursts at her, but I need to carry on her good work.

Come on B3tans, help me out and lets cunt this guy in the fuck.


I did think about letting his tyres down, (he's a driving instructor), but a) I don't know how and, b) it's classed as criminal damage isn't it?
( girlinthehole, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:06, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I doubt enviromental health will be able to do anything.
Like I said, it's not very loud but loud enought to be heard and if you knew this guy you'd realise what a twat he is and deserves a bit of retribution of some sort.
( girlinthehole, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:23, Reply)

Get onto Ebay
Buy a set of cheap bongo drums, and when he starts, sit next to the adjoining wall and play along with him .....

But play slightly off the beat to keep putting him off his timing.

Kepp doing it until you drive him mad and he stops.

( trying to play a guitar to an out of time drummer will drive the most patient soul mad after less than 30 mins!)
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:25, Reply)

Kaol's Guide To Fucking Someone Over (an extract)
We can break this down into several sections.
For each section, 1) is the mildest, 3) is the most evil.

Fucking Their Car:
1) Using a Stanley Knife, slash the edge of the tyres, at the bottom.
2) Using a flat-headed screwdriver, carve "cunt" into every panel on the bodywork.
3) Cut the brake fluid pipes, by hammering a nail into them.

Fucking Their House:
1) Fake a letter from the council, saying that they've had complaints about noise, and possible visits from sex workers.
2) Cut their phone line. Once it's repaired, do it again.
3) Burn it down.
( Cawl, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:25, Reply)

Sorry Kaol.
I can't do anything criminal but you've got me thinking with the fake council letter. *grins*


Edit - RadG - he's not always on the guitar. Most times he just sings unacompanied.
( girlinthehole, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:35, Reply)

*splurts tea*
Kaol, "and possible visits from sex workers." now means I have to mop up tea.

BGB, to be a voice of lawfulness for one second, letting tyres down is classed as criminal damage.

He has to know it's you to press charges though. Any neighbourhood kiddy gangs that could take the fall for your vengeance?

But yes, I also suggest talking to him again to try to sort things out.

Or contacting the head driving instructor HQ place (i forget the name, or if it's separate from DVLA) to inquire if it's normal for instructors to offer in-house training exclusively for 17 year-old schoolgirls...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:37, Reply)

Get some Jack Johnson or other folk music
aim your speakers at his house and play it through the walls...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:40, Reply)

Join in

tell him how much you enjoy his crooning then insist on joining him. Write some awful songs and lyrics and then catawall so loudly that the RSPCA are sent around to "stop that person fucking the cat"

Repeat as necessary.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:44, Reply)

Turn Speakers Against The Wall
And play something like SunnO)))

That should piss the cunt right off!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:54, Reply)

@Fuckarma
Good idea. We did this to an annoying neighbour once. Put the speakers against the wall and played a cd on a 10 second loop, so he got several hours of the beginning of Sheena Easton's "9 to 5." No, I won't tell you what I was doing with that particular cd.
@BGB. Take up the trombone badly.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:56, Reply)

@AA
Christ, I don't think I could take Sunn O))) and I like my music pretty extreme.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:04, Reply)

I had the reverse of this problem.
I appreciate that he's driving you nuts. I used to limit my guitar playing to finish at 9pm, so as not to piss the neighbour off. I'd try and play quietly and only sing occasionally.

She was a batshit mental old baggage anyway but I'm a responsible neighbour and tried not to inflame the situation.

On the other hand, I can see your point. I can only suggest talking to the chap again, be cordial and understanding but firm. No point threatening council action etc as it will just piss him off and make him much less likely to help.

I'd give him three strikes. My neighbour got environmental health and the police involved, got a noise monitor put in her house but it hardly picked anything up. Environmental Health said I could carry on as normal, within reason. They could see I was being picked on by the crazy old fucker.

I hope this seemingly pointless ramble helps :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:09, Reply)

I'd love to see Sunn 0)))
live. Maybe you should try just getting a big ol' bass amp and a bass, and play low tones, all the time.

So his house hums.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:14, Reply)

What you need is an out of tune violin
and no musical ability.

Every time he kicks off, start 'jamming' with him on your violin.


EDIT I've seen Sunn O))) and Boris live and I would say Boris was more intense. Their last show at Cargo was utter genius. I saw Swans in the 80s before they went all quiet and they were HEAVY. As were Head of David.
*has tinnitus*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:14, Reply)

@No3l
I am very willing to let him sing but not in the late evening when I'm trying to relax. I don't mind him singing in the daytime at the weekend or early evening during the week. He came back with the fact that he sometimes works late because of his job and he thinks he's not being unreasonable.

If he sings again tonight then I will speak to him again and if nothing is resolved then I'm going to have to get nasty.
( girlinthehole, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:15, Reply)

Sunn O))) are amazing live!
For pissing him off you want something with more drums though - I recommend Electric Wizard. Or Melt Banana if we're staying with the crazy Japanese theme...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:17, Reply)

Old-school jungle
would probably wind him right up.

It would probably be worth warning your good neighbour you'll be trying some aggressive music action :)

Edit: further advice: ask him to play in the room furthest from you. Ask him to play his guitar facing away from your adjoining wall. Recommend a local studio where he can go practise as loud as he likes.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:22, Reply)

@ Son of Sam-I-Am
I love Melt Banana!

I forced Tulip to listen to some on Sunday after she'd given me a lift back to my folks.

I did make her a cup of tea to compensate though.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:37, Reply)

Teenage daughter?
Leave "anonymous" messages on his answerphone in which you claim that you're a friend of his daughter. And that you've slept with his daughter. But it's okay because you used a condom. (I know, doesn't work so well if you're female yourself)

Or go with Fuckarma and bearpookie's suggestion - my parents had to live next door to a guy who listened to Motorhead at all hours and deafening volumes, so they decided to wage war one night with the speakers at the wall and Shostakovich's 5th at silly volumes.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:40, Reply)

Yeah BK!
Have you seen them live? Fucking incredible...

Take it you're into your Lightning Bolt, Locust etc as well then? Also check out Rolo Tomassi, they're getting quite a name for themselves now. They played my festival last year when they were all about 17 (and the guitarist had a broken arm!) and were one of the tightest bands I've ever seen.

Music that makes other people leave the room is made of win...

How loud is an acoustic guitar really though bgb? Or are your walls really really thin?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:41, Reply)

retribution
A good way to fuck over his car would be to glue a line of sand along each wiper blade. Next time he's out and it rains, and hey presto. Frosted glass.

Alternatively, if you can leach off his broadband, download several Linux distributions.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:13, Reply)

Slight car sabotage
I actually read of this on b3ta, in a reply to the "Road Rage" QOTW I think:

Wait until the middle of the night/he's gone to bed, and then liberally sprinkle iron filings over his car. They'll rust to the surface. It'll only be slight superficial damage, but enough to irritate him.

Alternatively, invite any friends you have with small toddlers over in the evenings and feed them a ton of sugar. As soon as he starts singing, encourage the toddlers to make as much noise as possible.

Or: listen to what he's singing/playing, and then try to sing/play along, one semitone out.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:23, Reply)

@ Sam
Yeah, the Locust are ace. Never seen Rolo Tomassi, but they always seem to play around Sheffield so I really have no excuse.

never seen Melt Banana either unfortunately.
I have seen Knut though, they have the same effect on most people.

For making people leave the room, you can't beat a bit of Oxbow!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:47, Reply)

white noise
I'm thinking you would rather take the passive route as oppossed to burning his house down (Not really recomended, it took me ages to convince the Police it wasn't me, it was my evil twin , but thats another story.)

In my experience environmental health / council / police are useless when it comes to domestic noise.

a) Try talking, explaining etc but if he is a twunt then threats from big boyfriends may help.

b) You can buy white noise generator which is basically a box that produces a constant "HISSSSSSZZZZZ" that drowns out other noise. Your brain quikly adapts to the constant "hissss" (unlike variable singing/guitar sounds) and blanks it out. Good for going to sleep. (or just use a radio and find a blank bit of frequency)


c) Hire some young (under prosecution age) thugs to smash his windows every time they here him play.

d) if he's an instructor, get your friends to make bogus appointments every time he disturbs you, then cancel them at short notice because "they got no sleep last night, some twunt was singing and playing guitar all night". Let him know you are organising this.

e) Seduce him, and let him play your instrument (Fnar fnar), and make him too knackered to play his giutar
(bugboybeast, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:19, Reply)

My recommendations:
1. Talk to him again, but this time be wearing a stern expression. I've seen said stern expression- it should work.

2. White noise. You can get one that makes the sounds of waves, or rain, or crickets, or a number of others. It doesn't have to be loud to work. For that matter, you can get a CD of nature sounds and put it on repeat.

3. If neither of the above does it, then I suggest the speakers against the wall and the fake council letter. Say that he's been making the neighbors' pets try to chew on their own ears, and he will be responsible for any veterinary bills.

EDIT: Or play this video, REALLY LOUD. www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7u2Sy73B6Q
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:56, Reply)

I've decided on his phone number and a series of adverts in Gay trade magazines.
He wears his trousers hoiked up to his armpits so I think he'll do down a storm in the gay BDSM community.
( girlinthehole, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:29, Reply)

Hello BGB
I suggest a nailbomb through the letterbox and a light raping to get the message across.

failing that a trip to A&E with his kneecaps in a bag might do the trick
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:38, Reply)

Does he have a lawn?
Get a can of diesel and write a few choice words in big letters on the grass.
Nothing will ever grow there again.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 14:58, Reply)

^^better yet
write it in fertilizer so that it keeps coming back as lush green letters and he has to keep mowing constantly. That way you can't get charged with property damage.

(No, he doesn't- I've seen his house. Nice thought, though.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:54, Reply)

I feel for ya
I live in a block of flats, theres some cnut that likes to 'play' his guitar at 2am when he gets in from the pub, and the lass with a laugh like a spastic hyena on helium who lives right above me. friends have literally sat there going what the feck is that? when she starts. Girls round my parts are proper classy....
(Stringy, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 17:56, Reply)