Morning all

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:22, 220 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning K
My plans to hitch-hike this weekend have been scuppered by daughter coming over to stay, but I'd rather spend time with her any day :)

How're you? Did you get much snow yesterday?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:24, Reply)

G'day No3l
Yes, we had a fair bit of snow yesterday. About three or four inches, but it stopped in the afternoon, and the roads were perfectly clear by the time I went home late afternoon.

But all the schools here closed at lunchtime and the buses were severely limited for a while. About time we had some snow. Everywhere else has had it this winter!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:26, Reply)

Hello fellow internet users.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:30, Reply)

morning all
i'm on the bus to college and it fucking smells of chav :(
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:30, Reply)

Better open the windows, Becky
It'll let the smell out. And with luck you may even be able to defenestrate a couple of the offending chavs.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:32, Reply)

Becky
you love the smell of chav so much that you rub neds on your jebs every morning before you head to work, stinking the place up with your faint whiff of Burberry, Lynx and sweat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:34, Reply)

I'm going to pretend I know you all.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:37, Reply)

Hi Tenty
How are you doing my old mucker?

*high fives*

*secret handshakes*

*touches inappropriately*

/pretending to know you too
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:38, Reply)

Ah, Tentacles
How've you been?

*pretends too*

Morning Bert, you fetid iguana rapist. How's it going?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:40, Reply)

Could be better thanks, K2
I'm all out of Iguanas, and have to settle for Bearded Dragons these days.

You carcinogenic walrus testicle.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:41, Reply)

I know this salamander, Bert...
she's right up for it.

Mind you, that makes it less fun.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:44, Reply)

What's the difference between
a helicopter and the AIDs?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:46, Reply)

Bert
That you don't have a helicopter but you do have aids?

:PEDANT ALERT: There is no such thing as an aids virus.
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:47, Reply)

Nope
it's that your Mrs is never going to give you a helicopter.

What virus? I have no idea what you're talking about.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:50, Reply)

But I'm single Bert
Does that mean I can't get HIV?


:edit: You cunt, now I look teh silleh.
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:50, Reply)

I was going to say, as a scientist
about 8 orders of magnitude.

But your answers above are much better.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:50, Reply)

Morning
K2, Bert, Cap and Tenty.
And No3l and becky.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:52, Reply)

Mornings all
I have tea and am jobsearching on the web. Well, I say jobsearching. I mean looking up funny stuff and pissing around on B3TA and telling myself I should be jobsearching. How are ya all?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:52, Reply)

Captain V
Your singledom does indeed mean that you're now impervious to all infectious diseases.

Go out and bugger a tramp without using any protection, you'll be fine, and you'll be left with a very grateful homeless person.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:52, Reply)

Colin McCrae can't crash aids.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:55, Reply)

No3L
Pfffft
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:57, Reply)

Woo
It's tramp fucking time and I'm going in dry!
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:58, Reply)

*wafts*
Dirty boy.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:59, Reply)

I think
I'll need to go and work soon. Bollocks.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:00, Reply)

Morning all
It's Friday the 13th!

My colleague just arrived in the office and said 'I had a dream last night that all the servers crashed and we couldn't remember the passwords to get back into them'

I hope it's not a premonition!

Hi Tentacles, I looked at your profile to see if you were someone we knew that had changed your name, I like your taste in music.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:04, Reply)

Thanks Sam
I usually post on /talk and I'm not used to people being friendly, it seems strange and unnatural.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:06, Reply)

FUCK OFF
CUNTFACE
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:10, Reply)

Yes it is vacuous
Good morning, shitehawks!

Bert, good to see you again, me ol' fucker.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:12, Reply)

Hello fithmongers
Sam where the fuck is my badge! And I will be attending your bash on the 28th so we can start the take over *evil laugh*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:18, Reply)

Cheers bert
I feel right at home now.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:21, Reply)

What are fithmongers?! :P
I was lame and forgot to put it up from my home computer... might have to make another one today. I sent you the porn though, got the important shit done. And yay for a Sam bash!

@ Tentacles - fuck off then you cunt :P We're a friendly bunch really, pull up a chair and join us. I'm listening to Jaga Jazzist now as it goes, bloody brilliant band.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:26, Reply)

They are like filthmongers but
with less "l".

I had a dream about the Sambash!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:28, Reply)

It's true, tentacles
we're the rampaging homosexuals of B3ta, we love and fluff and hug, cuddle, snuggle and glomp each other every day.

We're not mean like the rest of B3ta, we're special.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:28, Reply)

What the hell
Is "glomp"?
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:30, Reply)

*glomps*


s'a little cuddle, I think
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:30, Reply)

I imagine a glomp
is a hug but the hugger is covered in a mix of his own spunk and faeces.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:32, Reply)

It's a horrible-sounding word.
Possible like the sound you get once you've pulled out from fucking a medium-sized dog.
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:33, Reply)

*comepoopoosnuggles*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:34, Reply)

Glomp is a horrible sounding word!
Very onomatopoeic... I think Kaol's right in his definition.

Was the Sambash good in your dream KGB?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:41, Reply)

Morning Kaol
I've never fucked a medium size dog*, so I wouldn't know.

*Or indeed any dog†

†Except perhaps the odd slapper.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:42, Reply)

From my medical trivia desk calendar
WHO AM I?
Hi. I'm a protrusion of your rectum through your anus. I cause your rectum to turn inside out, so that the rectal lining is visible outside the body. I look like a dark red, moist finger projecting from your anus. I'm usually caused by straining, such as during a bowel movement.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:44, Reply)

LiC
Haemorrhoids!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Thanks Kaol.
I can't eat my toast now. I feel sick :(

I'm watching illegal dingoes. This man's just being strip searched. I really want to be a customs officer now.
( wanderlust, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Piles!
Morning lusty!

Do you want to be a customs officer just so you can undress men with pigeons down their trousers?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:45, Reply)

YOU'RE PILES!
*waves at Lusty*
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:45, Reply)

Wrong you half-witted spacktards
It's a rectal prolapse. I an glad I had my Friday Fryup BEFORE I uncovered that page.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:50, Reply)

*snogs Lusty*
It was a good bash Sam except I was just calling everyone Sam which I don't think went down too well occassionally
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:52, Reply)

Dammit LiC...
I'll give you a rectal prolapse.
*shakes fist*

*awaits glomping noise*
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:53, Reply)

I askd my office what
they thought a glomp was.

And I got the answer "Pulling out of something wet" by one then another yelled
"Like your mum's ass!"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:55, Reply)

Sam
No. Although I do muchly enjoy a bit of a bit of pigeon smuggling from time to time.
I'd like to be a customs officer because you get to wear a jacket that says customs officer on the back, you get a walkie talkie and you get to play with x-ray machines.
( wanderlust, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:56, Reply)

Morning Me Hearties
Just a quick one to say hi, I'm not going to be about much today due to the fact that I'm with my Girlfriend in Dorset and not at work.

So is everybody good? Except those with a rectal prolapse that is.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:56, Reply)

Aaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwhhhhh!
Dok's got a girlfriend!

Have fun!
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:58, Reply)

Yes Kaol
I do. Fun comes later after we do the shopping.

We've a lovly romantic film to watch, Dog Soldiers, then we're going to have sexyfuntiem.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:01, Reply)

You and whose plunger?
I think I shall switch to Sunday on the calendar. That, a quick look informs me, is a piece of trivia entitled, "Why women want sex".
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:01, Reply)

My colleague watched Dog Soldiers last night, I lent him the DVD
He said he got halfway through and had to turn it off cos he was scared. What a jessie! It's more of a comedy than anything else....
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:04, Reply)

Ah, Dog Soldiers...
Any film where someone gets killed by running into a tree gets a thumbs up from me.

EDIT: Scared? Hahahaha!
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:04, Reply)

It's a fantastic film
Horrific and hugely funny as well.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:05, Reply)

I have been taking the piss a lot, don't worry
He also thought Underworld was scary!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:05, Reply)

Morning, Dok Minge
Glad to see you're getting some too. Us oldies deserve it!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:05, Reply)

Underworld?
*shakes head*

Has anyone seen the new Underworld?
I'm half tempted.

Also, I've heard that the new Punisher film is both awful and fantastic.
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:08, Reply)

Yes K2
We do deserve it. How's the weather up there today?

Scared of Underworld? What kind of pansy is this person?

EDIT I haven't seen it yet Kaol, but I'll be geting it when It comes out on DVD/BD.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:08, Reply)

The new Underworld isn't that great
Much lower budget than the first two, and it doesn't have Kate Beckinsale in it. They've steadily got worse every time.

Haven't seen the new Punisher but it's supposed to be pretty good in that awfully shit way, like the last one was. I still reckon Dolph Lundgren made the best Punisher though :D

@ Dok, I know, he is a pansy. I will have to come up with some way of properly scaring the shit out of him.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:10, Reply)

I really liked the
Film with Thomas Jane as The Punisher.

Hmm... Anyone seen that film he did called The Mist?
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:12, Reply)

Yes I did Kaol
Wasn't impressed.

I did like his Punisher though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:13, Reply)

Right
I've got to go, the mistress is out of the shower and is calling on for me.

Laters folks.

EDIT The King one, yup it's atually a good film.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Bright and sunny, Dok
Snow's still here but the roads are fine.


Edit - you mean you weren't in the shower with her, Dok? Poor show!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:14, Reply)

The Mist
Was shocking.
But then ending made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed at anything in a film, ever.
I laughed so much that it hurt.
I think I cried all of the fluid out of my body too.
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:14, Reply)

The Punisher with Thomas Jane was good
Nice mindless violence. And his car is well cool!

And the bit where they pull the guy's piercings out with a Leatherman... :D
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:28, Reply)

Exactly right!
And the phrase "Send in the Russian" is now a stupid in-joke with me and my mates.
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:30, Reply)

Don't be silly Kaol
you don't have any mates
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:39, Reply)

Oh yeah...
*frowns*
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:40, Reply)

Quiet in here today
*has a nap*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:47, Reply)

Tis quiet isn't it?
Everything seems to be going wrong here, all the fuckwits keep phoning me with ridiculous problems. Joy...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:49, Reply)

*wakes Sam up*
Morning everyone! How are we all this fine Friday the 13th?
(bill, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:56, Reply)

I actually have real work today
Well, I say real, it comes from the "when in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout" school of management.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:59, Reply)

Am I just getting called Sam now too?
Because that's going to get confusing. I think I shall be refered to as Queen Sam best of all the animals B3tans

I'm bored this Friday 13th.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:02, Reply)

Teh internets are slow today
I'm getting all of teh boredom this morning.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:07, Reply)

Everything seems to be melting down for no reason, got to love Friday 13th
All the phones just stopped working so I legged it down to the server room to check, for some reason the phone server has lost its marbles. Had to manually reassign all the external lines back to the Nortel thingy one by one, and while I am in the middle of frantically doing this so people can make and receive external calls, what do I get?

About 20 phone calls saying 'the date and time is wrong on my phone screen, can you sort it out?'

Yes, that is clearly the most important function of your phone...

*rage*
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:08, Reply)

SoS
I get that quite often, you fix a big fuck-off issue that everyone depends on, then you get bollocked for missing a pretty picture out or something shite.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Tell them the date and time is correct and
they have been asleep for a while and what they think is reality is all a dream.

Then turn in to a giant lizard and fly away
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Strangely
I made the decision to prioritise the use of the phones to make phone calls over and above the fact that they tell the time. Obviously this was wrong.

It turns out it was a plumber who thought he was an electrician* that had fused the consumer unit down that end last night, I haven't been to the server room today so hadn't noticed the UPS was going mental, it just ran out of batteries!

Thank fuck the servers are all on much bigger UPS...

*He has just been shouted at. A lot.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:12, Reply)

SoS
I love that really, our job is based around broken stuff.

99% of which are broken due to tards!
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:15, Reply)

/kill thread
*sigh*
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:25, Reply)

*passes Ethel the hat*
I want to go home! I don't like my job today.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:30, Reply)

Mooooooorning
Friday 13th means nothing. It's cold abut sunny and lovely and Spring is in the air and I'm NOT going to buy myself some "DON'T TOUCH ME!" pyjamas for Valentine's Day.
How are you lovely people?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:32, Reply)

Is the hat
The thread killing hat?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:32, Reply)

Yeah Light, we have a special hat for it
Looks like a dunce hat but has TK on it.

Morning roota! I am stressed.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:32, Reply)

Hiya Sam!
Hiya all.
Fortunately my day's going quickly so it doesn't matter how boring my job is...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:33, Reply)

roota
is that some strange way of encouraging touching?
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:34, Reply)

Does anyone want to come and do my expenses for me?
I'm getting a little frustrated with Excel this morning.
(bill, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:34, Reply)

I'm leaving at 4 as it's Friday
I'm counting the hours already...

I can't even be arsed to work on my not work related coding project that I usually spend my working day on, that's how lazy I feel.

bill, I'm a level 19 Shaolin master of Excel, what do you need to know? Or is it just being generally annoying?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:34, Reply)

Ethel
it just means that when I spend Valentine's weekend untouched, I can blame it on the pjs.
Smart thinker, me...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:35, Reply)

An excel Monster
*imagines*

Hey Roota!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:37, Reply)

HI TGB
*runs away from the Excel monster*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:42, Reply)

Master, not monster!
Can you idiots not read?!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:42, Reply)

Sam
don't you start me, you. You'll get a belt you will!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:45, Reply)

I swear that said Monster...
I do have a special device that transforms reality into something more exciting though.

Samvision! dun dun dun!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:45, Reply)

TGB
I have that gift too.
People look at me strangely when I ask if their car has a nice face or a mean face.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:47, Reply)

I was forced to give up using spreadsheets for 40 days and nights
It was excellent.

/sorry
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:47, Reply)

I like the idea of an Excel monster
"Grrr, Equals sum open bracket D nine colon D 24, Grrr!"

It's not anything complex, just that it's an american form so I keep finding more and more cells hard coded to dollars that I have to change.
(bill, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:48, Reply)

Bill
I don't like that. It's scary. Could you make its eyebrows bushier so it's not as scary. Thanks.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Bloody septics always have to spoil everything...
Are you using the abomination that is Excel 2007? That makes me extremely angry.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Roota
my car has a sad face

My other car has a meanish face


There not my actual cars I don't have pictures of them to hand but they look the sme. Except my fiesta is blue
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:52, Reply)

Aw TGB
The sad car looks like it once had a youthful exuberance, but has had its hopes dashed on life's journey.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:54, Reply)

Oh, we're anthropomorphising cars today?
Such fun. I always thought the Fiesta had a very sad face.

Is that your Marina, TGB? Or just a random photo?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:55, Reply)

It's been a long journey
Roota, just over 68,000 miles.

*giggles*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:55, Reply)

Hello,
I'm back.
I was researching for a QOTW story.
*coughs*
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:55, Reply)

FFS, Kaol, that's sick as hell!
I love it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:56, Reply)

TGB
The Fiesta looks a bit like Jimbo if he'd been abused.

Kaol. I tried not to laugh...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:57, Reply)

Well,
I had a flash of inspiration :p
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:57, Reply)

That was a random car that looked like
my car K3, here is my baby

She has a blue roof now though.. don't ask
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Kaol took the original roof?
poor.

I'm going places to eat things. Later folks.
x
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:00, Reply)

Kaol you disgust me
That poor girl's idiotic tragic death should shouldn't be laughed at
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:00, Reply)

My car
has a sensible, square German face

@ bill - you can probably reformat them or at least find out which cells are in dollars by nesting =cell inside an =if, I can't remember the parameters for the cell function off the top of my head though...

Edit: @ Kaol, someone already did that joke!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:00, Reply)

*Bushes up excel monsters eyebrows*
"Grrr!" *smarmy single eyebrow lift* "Grrr!"

Yep Excel 2007 which is not fun!
(bill, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Sam, it says
"what is funny about punctuality?"
Right. i'm really off now

EDIT Thanks, Bill.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Very nice TGB
Shame they had to go and spoil it all in later years with the Ital!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:01, Reply)

It's like
My First Spreadsheet Program. Fucking horrible innit!

Edit: hahaha, I'm the least punctual person I know roota.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:02, Reply)

yeah the ital is
bad looking, but pretty nice to drive
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:04, Reply)

Really, Sam?
I looked, but couldn't see it :|
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:05, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/darwin/post367217

Yours was better written though!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:09, Reply)

Whoops...
But yeah, mine is better.
Haha!
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:11, Reply)

Kaol stop killing the thread
I know you like stabbing things but come on :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:18, Reply)

I did something stupid yesterday
Not really Darwin award stupid, but I thought I should share it anyway.

I left a little bit early yesterday, as there was a lot of snow here, and got down to my car to find it, as expected, covered in snow. The windscreen especially, as it had experienced a slump from the roof too.

"OK", thought I. "I'll fire it up, then clear the snow off before I drive off."

So I opened the driver's door, dumped my laptop bag on the passenger seat and sat half inside the car with the door open and one leg on the ground outside. Then I put the ignition card in (it's a Renault, hence it doesn't have a normal key) and I was pressing the Start button, a little voice in my brain said, "Oh, I wonder if I switched off the wip..."

I hadn't. Next thing, the windscreen wipers moved several metric fucktonnes of snow off the windscreen, and because I had my leg in the way I couldn't close the door. Most of it landed in the door pocket. Some of it ended up on the footwell. Some even landed on my leg. Virtually none of it reached the ground.

So I had to spend a while digging it all out of the pocket and clearing up the mess. I did feel a bit of a fanny.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Mr. K,
You're such a knob, haha!

Last night I didn't get home 'til two, 'cos after my band practice we ended up having a snowball fight for an hour...
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:22, Reply)

I want some more snow!
It's just boring and grey here. Least it's stopped raining now.

I heard on the news the other week that people were being advised to clear all the snow off their car before setting off, as bits had been flying off people's cars and hitting pedestrians. Like anyone's gonna bother doing that, I like the dangerness factor of not being able to see where I'm going when it all flies up off the bonnet and you get your own mini blizzard.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:24, Reply)

haha!
I never clear it off and I like braking/accelerating hard so it slides around and fall off
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:26, Reply)

@Sam
I always make a point of clearing the snow off before I set off. Often I see people with a huge wad of snow on their roof, and a little clear space where they've shifted it from the windscreen.

You just know that the first time they hit the brakes it's all going to end up over the windscreen.

I was also overtaking a lorry last week when huge sheets of ice decided to detach themselves from the top of it and came crashing down onto the road, a la Severn Bridge (not the driver's fault - he wouldn't have been able to get up there to shift it).

Fortunately none of it hit my car, but it was a bit scary.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:27, Reply)

*Flying visit*
This just absolutely floored me:

www.cheekywipes.com/contact.html

It's all ok, until you scroll down to the bottom... Remind you of anything?

:)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:27, Reply)

Haha!
I had a huge sheet of snow slide off the roof last night, and down the rear windscreen when I was on the motorway.

That car doesn't have a rear windscreen wiper...
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:27, Reply)

DiT
Why were looking at that site!!

Good find though hehe
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:29, Reply)

Mine doesn't have a rear wiper, as it's a saloon
Doesn't bother me though, I mostly go forwards.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:30, Reply)

Not me, the Mrs...
She's in the middle of some kind of project at work, and she had to go to the site.

I am NOT, repeat NOT, pregnant. And nor is she.




I hope.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:31, Reply)

lol DiT
That is incredible.

On another note I've wasted about 95% of my day on b3ta and news sites.


SIGH
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:44, Reply)

Kaol
That'll serve you right for not clearing your roof!

:edit: I thought that page was going to be about anal sex when I read "Making a bum job better"
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:03, Reply)

Wow V
I think you can have the hat, a cape and a PVC catsuit stating you are the super TK
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:38, Reply)

anybody hyaar?
helyo?

EDIT Oh, I thought there'd been an evacuation!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Aren't stupid people entertaining?
I've just spent 30 minutes reading notalwaysright.com and fmylife.com
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:40, Reply)

Chains that's so weird
I have also been reading notalwaysright!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:41, Reply)

I'm still here, just got back from lunch!
notalwaysright.com is great, brings back memories of my days in the service industry (something I'm most definitely NOT cut out for)...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:42, Reply)

best complaint I ever received:
"Why didn't somebody tell me that this chilli-CON-CARNE contains meat?"

"The clue is in its name, sir. It differs greatly from our VEGETARIAN chilli, right below there..."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:48, Reply)

*refers people to her Customers from Hell QOTW*
I have such a great rapour with people
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:49, Reply)

I operate a zero tolerance policy with fuckwits
I don't do well in anything customer facing...

At my last restaurant job I had four complaints mentioning me by name, a new record. Oh, and I got sacked for gross misconduct and bringing the company into disrepute. Winner.

*rapport :P
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:51, Reply)

oh fuck off Sam
:p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:58, Reply)

I noticed that too
but thought I'd better not mention it, as anybody with Grammar in their name would be likely to annihilate me prose.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:02, Reply)

Rule 1 of being a spelling Nazi!
Make sure yours is 100% perfect :P

_{*wonders whether to tell her about the spelling errors in her profile*}
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:02, Reply)

I'm not spelling, just grammar
I can't spell for shit I have told you this before
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:09, Reply)

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiii
How're you all going?!

I'm GREAT! I'm DRUNK and I got a kiss :D AND it's not a school night!!! Woohoo!
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:11, Reply)

OK
You can be the Grammar Badger and I'll be the Spelling Badger. We'll sort the internet out like some sort of geeky superhero double act.

Hi VC!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:12, Reply)

Grats on all counts VC!
I just caved and bought some new tapers to take my ears up to 12mm.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:13, Reply)

I've decided
I fucking LOVE valentine's day when I have someone to share it with.

I ALSO love Midori!

And cool as with the spacers Lab! And Hi Sam!
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:17, Reply)

Ooh stretchy fun!
Dammit the maintenance man has just called me saying he is now on his way so looks like I need to pop out!

Sam are there many spelling mistakes!?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Two spelling errors
And one borderline grammatical error, but that would be nitpicking :P
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:19, Reply)

Valentine's Day is a crock of shit.
Although I've actually done a card for someone this year.
Yes, I'm that fuckin' lame.

Although it had lots of blood on it.
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:20, Reply)

That will give me something
to look at later. I never read my own profile. Surprisingly :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Woohoo VC!
What time is it there?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:26, Reply)

My other half
has decided that we're not 'doing' Valentine's day, because it's a crap excuse for card manufacturers to make more money. And we've both got birthdays coming up soon, so we can do the romantic thing then.

I'm all for this! I agreed quickly to her suggestiondecision.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:26, Reply)

Agreed K2
It's a Hallmark day, i'd rather buy flowers/chocs/whatever on a random day as a nice surprise, rather than when society, through capitalism, expects it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:31, Reply)

aha it is!
one thirty four am.

Hall mark sucks. I just enjoy the day to be happy!
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:34, Reply)

I got a Valentines card today.
It's from my friend who's a glamour model.
There's a picture of her on the front in her underware and the picture inside is of her with no top on. You can see her nipples.

She's so classy.

I love her.
( wanderlust, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:34, Reply)

Afternoon, Lusty
You know the rule. Pictures....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:35, Reply)

Haha!
Oh Lusty, you know all the best people :p
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:39, Reply)

K2k6
I'll gaz you haha

There's even a poem for me to read when I'm done looking at the boobage.
( wanderlust, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:39, Reply)

When you're done?
The poem was a wasted gesture then.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:40, Reply)

A picture paints a thousand words, eh?
In other news, it's Friday, and it's the afternoon, yay!
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:42, Reply)

Randomly
the guy fitting next doors bathroom used to work with me at Sainsburys about 8 years ago and recognised me and we had a nice chat!

I feel bad for when this morning he pulled out of next doors drive and followed me half way to work I got in and called him a "psycho stalker"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:42, Reply)

@Lab
What I meant was I can read the poem again when I'm done looking at the boobage. Obviously it was the first thing I looked at.
( wanderlust, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:44, Reply)

Lusty
Yes, but it would be a looooong time before I would be done with the boobies.

We're talking years.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:45, Reply)

Perv
I'm at home waiting for the guy to come quote me on some work. *looks at Lusty's boobs while she waits*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:47, Reply)

"Quote you on some work"
eh? eh?

TGB, I'd pay half and expect double.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:49, Reply)

Yes indeed
It would take one a long time to finish with these particular boobages.

The poem would be superfluous.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:49, Reply)

Yeah I need
to get him in my shower and show him my wet patch
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:50, Reply)

Nothing wrong with the shower head, TGB?
No, I reckon not. It'll be a good head.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:51, Reply)

That's poor,
Even for you, Mr. K.
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:52, Reply)

I know
I just can't get the scriptwriters these days.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:59, Reply)

Kaol rhymes with FAIL
This is very amusing to me.
*wanders off again*
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:09, Reply)

Hmmm...
I'm impressed how quick a day can go from "Ok" to "crap".
Just had an exciting half hour of being shouted at down the phone, about a job that isn't anything to do with me :\
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Afternoon folks.
I have been instructed by my boss to make her a Valentine card as she is afeared that she will not get any this year. As a result I am spending this afternoon in MS Paint, downloading pictures of kittens and playing with highlighters and prittstick, all funded by YOU the taxpayer.

What are you doing?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:42, Reply)

I'm plotting
how to make you pay me back the tax money that you are squandering away
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:43, Reply)

You bastard!
I'm being shouted at, down the phone by an angry, cockney midget.

I heard about the savage attack on your person by a downie. Amazing!
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:44, Reply)

I feel sick and ill

( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:46, Reply)

That was a while back, Kaol.
I'm sure I mentioned it to you. He accosted me again recently asking for small change, and then wanted to know why not when I refused. When I told him that I didn't like him because he'd punched me, he looked like he was going to cry and then ran away.

Badger, you can have some tax money back in the form of refreshing booze next time I see you.


EDIT - Oh noes Clenders, what's wrong?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Read the gaz, Wookers...
See Fail Kaol? Told you he'd told you the story.

You're getting forgetful. Alzheimer's?
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Hahaha!
That's even better!

Clendrix, proper-ill or disgusted-ill?
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Ahaha!
Clenders has a sudden case of mong-itis.

I'm sure that'll clear right up.


Snerk.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Self-inflicted ill
*cries*

IT MIGHT NOT! I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN!
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:50, Reply)

All this use of caps
is making me picture you bellowing like a Downie.

Indoor voice please, Clendrix.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:54, Reply)

FUCK OFF, SHIT HEAD

( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:54, Reply)

Har har
Clendrix is a mongface.
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:56, Reply)

I can't wait for the car crash

( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:57, Reply)

I just spat my drink on the keyboard
thanks to your new sig.

You bastard.

She didn't say I was her best friend.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:58, Reply)

Is clendrix retarbed?

(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:58, Reply)

Wookers
Neither did I, you spakky four-eyed git.
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Fuck you, nobber.
It's not my fault I can't read.

*blames the system*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:00, Reply)

*blames smug Obama*

( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:01, Reply)

You getting plenty of 20 pences then, clendrix?
And Jelly Tots?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:06, Reply)

I've been on a Sugar High of extreme proportions
down at the laundrette.
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:07, Reply)

Been snorting the
Daz again?
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:10, Reply)

Daz has sugar in it?
*buys Daz*

No, mongo. That's where I'm spending my 20ps.
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:13, Reply)

Oh, I see.
I thought you were earning the 20ps down the laundrette. All those randy single blokes taking off their jeans, with lots of loose change to spare...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:17, Reply)

No
I actually have eight twenty pees, five of which were from Al.
None was from the Laundrette Blokes.
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:18, Reply)

Nah.
She's just sitting on the tumble dryers.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:19, Reply)

Those things are big!
I'd never climb up there.
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:20, Reply)

But 20p
isn't enough for a go on the washing machine.

/haven't launderettes gotten expensive these days blog
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:23, Reply)

*give Clenders some more money*
Look at her spin in that machine with washing capabilities!
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:33, Reply)

My friend is currently in a laundrette for the first time since 1995.
Apparently it's over two bloody quid per wash!
But many machines need 20ps, however many.
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:34, Reply)

Two squid a wash?!
I can have ten goes on Clendrix for that
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:37, Reply)

But
A washing machine ride is more than 10 times as fun so really they're better value for money.
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:41, Reply)

Oh really, V?
Really?

*stores V's post in memory*
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:43, Reply)

Well V
I can tell you have never riden Clendrix it's more fun than anything. Except maybe eating jelly tots whilst on a rollercoaster
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:44, Reply)

Dammit
I knew my leanings towards derogatory sarcasm would get me in trouble one day.
( Captain V, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Trouble?
You don't know just how bad it could be.

*thinks about the time she will spend standing over the helpless, sleeping V*

Badger, you're ACE you are.
*hugs*
( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:52, Reply)

*hugs Clendrix*
*cops a feel of her boobs*
You're most ace too dear Clendrix :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:54, Reply)

Mmmmmmm
Helpless, sleeping V.

Muhahahahahahah.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:56, Reply)

This is making me giggly.

( thealternativefact, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:04, Reply)

Heheh
Giggling leads to jiggling :)
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:39, Reply)

This is awesome
www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=20121538

All the Ladies of B3ta must buy one!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:04, Reply)

Hey hey hey
Everybody... how are we all? I am drunk and watching the League of Gentlemen before getting more drunk.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:04, Reply)

I'm pretty certain
They've all buggered off, Zap.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:13, Reply)

LiC
Give me $200 and I'll buy one!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:23, Reply)