Putdowns!
Watching reruns of Never mind the Buzzcocks the other night, Bill Bailey came out with a delightful putdown to that no-talent, sid vicious-wannabe faux-punk Donny Tourette:

"You're about as punk as Enya"

Which had me in creases. What are your favourite putdowns?
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:17, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You'll never be the man your mother was.
.
( girlinthehole, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:19, Reply)

if you want my comeback
you should check in your mother's mouth
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:25, Reply)

You're more cul-de-sac than street

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:31, Reply)

I'm sorry, who are you again?

(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:32, Reply)

Ooh! Ooh! Sir, Sir! I've got some.

On being threatened by a gangsta wannabe-
"Son, I've been your age, carry on and you won't reach mine".

On being asked "What's in the bag"?
"Nothing you'd wanna die for,sonny".

After a gig by a fairly famous performer.
"Not sure what you did, bit it'll never replace music".

"I've seen uglier people than you, but never with just the one head"
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:33, Reply)

The Wire - Season1 Episode 1
Man having angry conversation on phone

*Puts phone to crotch*

paraphrase-age

"Do you hear that!? Do you!? Because I swear to god my dick is in your ear!!!"
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:42, Reply)

If I'm ever wrong about anything at work
my mate Ben will use the Brass Eye line, "You're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak." Which is just a bit cruel :'(

I don't think there are many football fans on b3ta but I have always loved this put down for a striker who's squandering chances in front of goal:

"You couldn't finish your dinner."
( djtrialprice, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:43, Reply)

He couldnt score in...
(enter chavvy dive of your choosing here).
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:46, Reply)

Speaking of football.....
Reporter approaches Gordon Strachan after a game..

"Gordon can I have a quick word?"

"Velocity..."
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:46, Reply)

@DJTP
Ha. Reminds me of the best insult I've ever heard at a football match. Bruce Dyer missed an open goal and the bloke behind me shouted:

'Bruce Dyer? Dyer? You couldn't be better named if you were called Bruce Fucking Awful'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:46, Reply)

Partial pearoast from "Pubs"
I was accosted by the manager of a local pub that was being refurbished, on my way out to work.

"Whaddya think of the new pub plans" he asked, "We're getting new toilets and the lounge is getting new seats and a full makeover, we're even going to do food!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Well" I replied, "It's going to be an uphill struggle and I hope your contractors are specialists".

"They ARE" he replied.

"Really!?" I said, "I thought "turd polishing" was a dying art".
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:03, Reply)

Fawlty Towers
when Basil wakes up in hospital with concussion to find that big nurse peering over him. He eyes her beadily and says "...my God you're ugly." It makes me wee a bit every time.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:26, Reply)

The barracks scene in Full Metal Jacket
Takes some beating.
"Did your parents have any children that lived"
And others.

Classic
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:28, Reply)

You are about as much use as...
... a handbrake on the QE2

... ashtrays on a Harley Davidson

... a secondhand tampax

... granite parachute
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:30, Reply)

Your daddy left the best part of you...
...running down your mummy's leg
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:31, Reply)

aaaahhh
Full Metal Jacket

I'd been wondering where I got my sig from!

"I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck another guy in the ass and not even have the god-damn common courtesy to give him a reach-around!"

"You'd better square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:33, Reply)

True one

One of my esteemed colleagues alluded to my relatively advanced age once and regretted it. We were discussing who should act as Secret Santa and he said, very wittily: "It should be you Che, cos he's supposed to be an old man."

To which (no word of a lie) I shot back: "Well, it can't be you Mike, because he's supposed to be fat and jolly...and you're only one of those."

Took him half a minute to work it out while the team laughed at him
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:54, Reply)

if we are going with real life examples
I can't remember what my mate said to me, but I shot back with "yeah? well, your mum was fisted by the incredible hulk"

I then collapsed in a fit of stoned giggling for about 15 minutes...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:56, Reply)

You are as welcome....
...as a fart in a diving bell

...as a sausage at a Bar Mitzvah

...as an electricity bill

...as a fourth term in government

...as an erection at a nativity play
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Were you
born that thick or did you have to work on it?

DO you know wh I am?
More to the point, do I care who you are?

Stolen from a B3tan:
Do you know who my dad is?
Why? Don't you?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:07, Reply)

That episode of NMTB is brilliant
Oh my god Danny is smoking a cigarette! That you can legally buy in shops! *progressively more high pitched*

As for other putdowns I think blackadder had a good one with

Blackadder - Baldrick, you're fired.
Baldrick - (aghast) Oh, but I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder - So has syphilis. Now get out.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:07, Reply)

TGB
I almost posted that blackadder one earlier. great minds eh?

;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Saw this the other day
"Your about as much use as Anne Frank's drumkit"
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:18, Reply)

"Anne Frank's drumkit"
Excellent.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:20, Reply)

heckling
in response to a crap stand-up who was telling a star trek related 'gag':

"Its comedy jim, but not as we know it"
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:21, Reply)

You can tell that this is OT and not /talk as no one has said

Your Mum.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:22, Reply)

around Christmas time I like to use a Blackadder one
May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
( djtrialprice, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Wish I was bold enough to use this on the chavs round here
I'm old enough to be your father... But the guy in front of me had exact change.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Don't go down the mines, lad. There's enough slack in yer kecks!
(to baggy-trousered yoofs)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:29, Reply)

On the Anne Frank subject
I prefer her tap shoes
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:34, Reply)

True story
In the days of smoking rooms at work I was sitting down with all the lads. Simon, who has incredibly bad teeth, chirped Matt as he walked in, "Mate,had a haircut? I hope you asked for your money back!"
Quick as a flash Matt shot back, "Yeah, well my hair will grow back. Your fucking teeth won't".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:41, Reply)

Heard the other day
"My life would be so much better if only you'd just been a wank"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:45, Reply)

@TGB
The other part from that episode that made me laugh was the following:

Donny Tourette (grabbing crotch) : "This is what I think of you mate."
Simon Amstell: "You think small penis of me?"
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:03, Reply)

Donny Tourette
what a complete bell-end

the most stupid thing about him lighting and smoking that cigarette?

he smokes like a fucking novice. surely any proper smoker could see that!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:10, Reply)

Donny Tourette and his band
apparently "dick" on the Sex Pistols.

Hmm.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:26, Reply)

you
couldn't hit a donkeys arse with a banjo
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:56, Reply)

Hmmm
Did your parents actually have sex or did he just jerk off and throw it at her?

*heard in pub*
"Are you eying up my missus?"
"Only in the same way I'd stare at a car crash."
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 20:09, Reply)

Leave it...
...out, sunshine, I've got knickers older than you!
( bentalls In my head, I am a ninja, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 21:33, Reply)

To a mouthy woman...
...'shut your cock-holster'.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 9:29, Reply)

From "A Letter to Breshnev"
Margi Clark:

"What are you gonna do for a face when Jabba The Hut wants his arse back?"

My favourite insult ever - I've yet to use it for real.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 10:56, Reply)