GUESS
WHO'S
BACK

Alright untermenchen, the Messiah has returned, and now that I'm here you can all stop whining about the demise of Off Topic, because standards are about to get lower than ever.

While you all argue about who missed me the most, and unite against me like the gaggle of numbskulls that you really are, I'm going to judge you all in turn and decide whether you deserve to ascend to Monkeysex Heaven, or Monkeysex Hell. It doesn't bode well for you either way.

BEGIN
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:29, 62 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I don't really know who you are.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:31, Reply)

Because you're a disgrace.
Monkeysex Hell for you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:32, Reply)

Have you changed your phone number?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:34, Reply)

No....?
Have you tried to get hold of me, you big bum-squirting fairy toucher?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:35, Reply)

No, but I got an offensive message
from a number I didn't know the other day, and it had hallmarks of your goodself.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:35, Reply)

Terribly sorry old chap
wasn't me, but I admire the person in question for their upstanding social skills and excellent cranial capacity.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:37, Reply)

DO SOMETHING THEN!!
Morning :-)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:38, Reply)

I've just read your dull profile
For this crime against humanity I sentence you to pick the crust out of my yellow pants in the cold, dark reaches of my damp cellar, for eternity.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:39, Reply)

I like picking things
So that's not a punishment.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:40, Reply)

The crust is made up of dry semen
and the liver of otters
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:43, Reply)

I had gathered that
Well, not the otter bit.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:44, Reply)

Oh hurrah.
Finished your little meltdown?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:39, Reply)

Heavens, no
This is just the beginning. You are sentenced to eternal damnation for use of silly hats and incorrect wanking procedures.

I know what you did with that Mango.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:40, Reply)

Is this another Wormulus "comedy" account?

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:39, Reply)

YES
Now sod off
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:41, Reply)

No it's Bert again
he hasn't been around for a while.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:41, Reply)

Ah didn't really notice he was gone
Due to his underwhelming presence.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:42, Reply)

You're funny, you are
really funny. Like Peter Sutcliffe.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:43, Reply)

god I hope not.
I missed bert
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:42, Reply)

This is not in the spirit of the thread

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:43, Reply)

Or the spirit of common sense.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:44, Reply)

Why do you all hate me?
It hurts my insides when you say things like that, hurts 'em real bad.

You nobber.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:46, Reply)

don't care.
he knows I don't really hate him - so why should I lie about it?
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Go on, Poppet
Give me an insult, anything you like, just go for it, I won't mind.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:46, Reply)

She only doesn't hate you
because she hasn't met you. And you never mentioned her Visa.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:48, Reply)

You loved me when you met me
Half the b3tans I met tried to rape me in one way or another, and it sickened me deeply.

I hope that she marries Halfy and becomes a fully-fledged British citizen, and then rubs her passport in your podgey little face.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:51, Reply)

Tried?
I suceeded and you loved it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:01, Reply)

That I certainly did
Quite a few of you have gotten away with raping me, hopefully it's been for the greater good of humanity.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:02, Reply)

No reply from Al on this one?
He's such a big, hairy, girly reamtard.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:07, Reply)

You pathetic, shitty, pus-filled hobo hat.
/guilts

EDIT: I'm so out of practise!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:51, Reply)

You've made me erect

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:52, Reply)

you slag.
fucking hell I'd forgotten how much silly fun you are to insult.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:53, Reply)

You just couldn't keep away you vile little turnip.
Well don't piss me off because I'm in a bad mood this month.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Three months was pretty good going
I felt free and 'normal' for a long time, but the Monkeysex started slipping out when I was with the Mrs, so I've had to come back to keep it contained.

Marry me, you old boot?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:54, Reply)

I can't marry you.
I'm promised to Satan.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:57, Reply)

See me on the side?
I'll totally rock your world.

Literally, I just bought a rocking chair.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:58, Reply)

You might rock my world but I would blow your mind.
Horny middle-aged women sex FTW!
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:06, Reply)

I agree with this sentiment entirely
I just got back in touch with an old friend of mine, she's about 43, and she's been telling me all about her sordid little adventures, the filthy little minx.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:09, Reply)

month week.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:55, Reply)

week lifetime
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:58, Reply)

Shit, sorry everyone
Bert has found his way out of my massive vag and back to raping our eyes with his inane drivel and attempts at humour.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:56, Reply)

Oh christ.
Now I have "8 miles wide" going round my head.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:58, Reply)

How could that have happened?
Remember, it's not MY vagina, it's OUR vagina.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:22, Reply)

You have the physique of a meatball
the haircut of a mental patient, and the intelligence of my armpit.

I've missed you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:58, Reply)

well you
You have the phsique of my armpit, the haircut of a meatball, and the intelligence of a jacket potato.

I may have missed you. Or I may have had wild parties every day you weren't here
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:00, Reply)

had wild parties every day you weren't here frigged myself senseless over the mental image of you in hotpants.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:01, Reply)

mental actual picture
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:03, Reply)

Which one?
I've got me in white, pink, blue or sparkly glitter hotpants?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:04, Reply)

magenta

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:10, Reply)

I've been back for less than an hour
and I've been sexually excited twice now. This is a very bad place.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:12, Reply)

You're just trying to prompt the sending of
more pervy messages. You love it. You slut.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:15, Reply)

Too right I am
Now get involved, or GTFO
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:16, Reply)

Oh, Christ. Here we go again.
You odious badger weasel-shagger.

Welcome back!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:14, Reply)

You may ascend to Monkeysex Heaven
Begin stroking the Cat of untold happiness in the lair of my dreams
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:15, Reply)

*strokes*
*is happy*
*doesn't tell*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:22, Reply)

Hey!!
Don't use badgers, I don't want people thinking I shag anything as foul and repulsive as a Bert

Edit: Thanks!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Edited.
Happy now?

If I lose my place in Monkeysex Heaven, I'll be blaming you...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:22, Reply)

Hmmm....
weasels are acceptable, but fraternisation with heretics is not, this will be your only warning.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:56, Reply)

*poaches someone's wifi*
I'm taking time out from doing Catface up the ass with my gigantacock in a luxury Dublin hotel room to say I hope you're the real Bert, and if so please post a cock picture to prove it.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:25, Reply)

The scary thing is I can acually picture this scenario.

( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:29, Reply)

CHCB
Of course I am the real Bert, nobody else could be this Bertish. You are also allowed into Monkeysex Heaven^tm, you can milk the battalion of fine young men in vests that I keep in the bottom drawer of my chest of wonderous homosexual delights.

Am I going to have to go home, take a picture of me cock and post it on here again?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:55, Reply)

yes.
*firm cockshake*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 17:18, Reply)