Afternoon, all
Yesterday I tried to grab lots of attention and my posts were all about me, but today I'd like to know all about YOU, the sweaty bumfunsters that inhabit OT like a pimple on the backside of a walrus. So, here's a question;

In the spirit of some of the recent matrimonials and proposals of certain members, if you had to sleep with another B3tan's wife/husband/fiance/fiancee/girlfriend/boyfriend, who would it be, and why?

Yes, most of my questions are about sex, and yes, Kaol is still *puts on mong voice* a grate big retaaaaaard.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:29, 113 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Any/all of them, but then I'm a big ugly.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:30, Reply)

Believe me
they're not fussy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:31, Reply)

For me I'd have to have a threesome
with tourette's and chickenlady, they seem perfectly pleasant on here, and I've never met them, but in the pictures I've seen they both have that look in their eye, the look that says 'I could easily ruin a man'.

I'd probably fling my muck up al's Mrs too, and if I'd ever seen DiT's new wife, she'd probably be entitled to a portion as well.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:33, Reply)

DiT's wife looks rather nice from her photo
she is amusing also, which is a bonus. crap taste though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:35, Reply)

Where can I find this photo?
I need it for research purposes.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:36, Reply)

use your initiative
she is a b3tan
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:36, Reply)

Is she?
What's her name?

EDIT Also, answer the question, whose Mrs would you boink?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:37, Reply)

flim flam the magnificent is her name
I'd go for an orgy of all of them. A cop out I know, but I'm indecisive.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:45, Reply)

Well I never...
I'm in shock, how did he pull such a stunner? I've met the guy, I was expecting his wife to be Lisa Riley's ugly sister.

Indecisiveness is ok, I only whittled mine down to about four.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:47, Reply)

I'm touched
...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:14, Reply)

I bloody wish

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Am I the only one here who finds all this a bit creepy?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:53, Reply)

no

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:55, Reply)

Good-o
Just makin' sure I'm not a prude by saying who's wives/sisters/girlfriends/whatever you want to fuck, and letting them know by telling them.

I just want to make sure that it really is creepy by letching after verious girls who you've cyber-stalked.

I wasn't sure, see, 'cus it might not be the act of a complete and utter sexpest (not 'lol, I R SEX PEST', a propper 'dayum man, your wife looks HAWT' sexpest) to go through bash photos and point out who you'ld like to fuck, and maybe rate them too.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:04, Reply)

Pffft
it's meant to be light-hearted appreciation of some of the lovelier ladies of B3ta, and at the same time see who's lusting after the women on here that are already taken, in the hope that it will spark a little controversy.

That's all.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:07, Reply)

Oh, ok then, fair enough.
Your mum, sister, auntys, grannys, daughter(s), nices and that neffew who looks like a pre-pubesisant girl.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Are all of those spelling mistakes deliberate?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:15, Reply)

"It's not the content that I disagree with, it's more the spelling mistakes"

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:17, Reply)

Exactly that.
I can see your point, I do come across as a sex pest online, but if you'd known me back in the early days of Off Topic, and before that on QOTW, you'd know all about the goats, half-used monkeys and the three-way sex chat between al, Kaol and I, and you'd have a better understanding of what I'm all about.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:16, Reply)

I went through the b3ta flickr site
I concluded two things: (a) yes Madam Marlboro is very attractive but it doesn't require a herd of internet losers to point this out at the bottom of every picture of her (poor girl) and (b) I think I'm gay for Donkey Gums.
( djtrialprice, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Just answer the question
and stop being a fanny
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:04, Reply)

Sir Sand Goblins girlfriend is very hot,
too many people have called dibs thouhg.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:34, Reply)

Pictures or it didn't happen

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:34, Reply)

b3ta.com/talk/6127575
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Yep, she'll do
but I just looked him up, and he's a big beardy weirdy. Has she no standards at all?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:39, Reply)

He's dying of pancreatic cancer,
give him a break.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:41, Reply)

Is he?
That's one of the most painful, drawn out and nasty ways of all to die, isn't it?

Poor bloke, I wonder who he'll leave her to.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Talk believe the rules of dibs apply.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Bastards.
If we work together, we may be able to kidnap her at his funeral...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:01, Reply)

she kind of looks like my ex
but less incredibly short, and less welsh
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:48, Reply)

JMG's supermodel girlfriend.
Or was that Mr T?
(TheColonel, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:36, Reply)

I'm sure he punched one of them in the face
his supermodel girlfriend would be more plausible in that respect.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:37, Reply)

I find approximately three b3tans attractive.
And to the best of my knowledge they're single.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:44, Reply)

;)

(TheColonel, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:45, Reply)

So you'd have to rape them?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:46, Reply)

they're too far away to even consider it
Since I won't admit to the others I'll say Becky is hot
I know not of her relationship status but there you go
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:48, Reply)

She's a cracker in the sack, I'll give you that
but her clitoris is the size of mount etna, you might be better off steering clear.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:48, Reply)

you know what her personality is like
surely that tells you everything about her relationship status?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:49, Reply)

Haha!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:50, Reply)

online personalities are usually quite different than offline

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:52, Reply)

LIES

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:53, Reply)

you often give random strangers a picture of your cock dressed as hitler?

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:06, Reply)

If I don't do that every single day
I feel deeply unsatisfied
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:08, Reply)

I reckon she likes snuggle-wugglez fwom kittenz and puppiez.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:55, Reply)

precisely!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:56, Reply)

Then you reckon wrong
she likes it hard and fast, and she doesn't like it when you make eye contact
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:56, Reply)

Are you sure that in your case, it wasn't just that she wanted it over quickly
and didn't want to be reminded who it was that was flailing away at her?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:58, Reply)

This may be the case
When will I ever find somebody capable of loving me, eh Wookie? Eh?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:00, Reply)

You won't.
I think your best bet is to end it now, really.

Sorry.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:06, Reply)

Surely you could love somebody like me, Wookie?
Or will you reject me too?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:09, Reply)

If I liked ginger fur,
I'd go for an Orangutan. Those lips!
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:12, Reply)

My fur isn't ginger
it's Chestnut brown
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Keep telling yourself that.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:27, Reply)

Haha, would you give her one? Would you bang her? What would you like to do to THAT if she was walking down Wood Green high street after buying a bottle of orange robbinsons on special off er for £1.98 at the sainsburys?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:00, Reply)

Euch, not again, no.
She was lovely until I realised just how hilariously unstable she actually is.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:02, Reply)

In this thread, i'm finding you such a charming little turn on, right now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:06, Reply)

That's my intention entirely
to turn you on, I'm going out of my way to impress you and get you all fired up. I want to bum you in the mouth.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Who are the other two?
loldoucwhatididthere?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:52, Reply)

not tellin !

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 13:55, Reply)

ME ME ME
you said I was attractive before.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:01, Reply)

Actually I was thinking of you.

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:03, Reply)

I'm as smug as Vipros.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:03, Reply)

I've heard that is pretty smug.

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:06, Reply)

you're not wrong

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:07, Reply)

You should go around telling all the UK based b3ta women how hot I am.
don't show them any pictures though, that'll ruin it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:09, Reply)

I imagine that you look like my friend Ian
or at least how he looked before he developed massively long dreads
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:14, Reply)

shall I just scatter random posts across b3ta saying that you're hot?
"Hey single ladies, have I got the guy for you? Yes! His name is PsychoChomp, well bred, well fed (not fat) and utterly chic. He's golden! If you're interested send us a gaz! He's the true definition of luxury."
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:16, Reply)

"He's like Andrex toilet tissue. Soft, strong and very long"

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:18, Reply)

His pic is on the B3ta flickr pages.
Check him out ladies.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:19, Reply)

nothing like I expected
for a start, he's smiling...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:21, Reply)

Nah! it's just wind.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:22, Reply)

here's the best photo of me for a while,
I'm not the girl.
photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs170.snc1/6371_145862160109_565700109_3742035_3955396_n.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:27, Reply)

you actually look quite cool
well done.

just for that here's a reward. Me and Mrs V

this isn't our wedding btw
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:31, Reply)

I'm so fucking cool, it hurts.
You have a silly beard which seems to be b3ta standard.
But generally less smug and ugly than I was expecting well done.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:34, Reply)

pfft

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:37, Reply)

thanks
beards are fairly prevalent it's true. a lot of my real life friends have them too.

mine is mostly there to disguise my big round face.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:37, Reply)

I need to grow a beard :(

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:40, Reply)

you can borrow mine
*waggles eyebrows*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:41, Reply)

thanks doll, but it won't match my new hair color

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:43, Reply)

I have a sneaky feeling Spimf's missus is a looker.
So I would choose her.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:02, Reply)

If you were in a relationship
You'd be added to the threesome I mentioned above, your eyes are pure filth
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:05, Reply)

You have noooooo idea ; )

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:07, Reply)

Well, that's our Friday night sorted

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:18, Reply)

do you want me to bring my video camera
For prosterity like?
( djtrialprice, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:29, Reply)

prosperity worldwide distribution.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:32, Reply)

the mother of my daughter is pretty tasty


so I pick myself
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:22, Reply)

bah
if I'd known that was allowed then the answer would've been obvious!


I pick you too
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:23, Reply)

That particular picture
is my 'exhibit A' when my friends ask how I could have been so stupid as to have an unplanned pregnancy...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:26, Reply)

I suspect that it probably shuts them up

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:27, Reply)

Monty posted a picture of his baby here a minute ago
and then deleted it. Clearly he knows too well not to post baby pictures in a Bert Monkeysex thread, because having now seen his little 'un, I'd have to say that I definitely would.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Ha
I did think 'what the hell are you thinking, man?'....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Exactly

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:50, Reply)

*is most flattered*
*Stores chickenlady and Bert in wankbank*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Don't forget me : )

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:01, Reply)

OOOOOOOOPS!
*adds BGB too*
Phew..... that was close!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:24, Reply)

*rubs thighs*
How are you doing Mrs Granddad?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:26, Reply)

You keep your thighs off my missus
you naughty monkeyperson you!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:45, Reply)

I can't resist
She looks so damn edible, I could just swallow her whole
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:50, Reply)

*jumps in shower*
*applies chocolate spread*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:53, Reply)

Phwoar!
I'm going to follow my divining rod all the way up to Geordieland and give you a darned good rogering, woman. Mr Granddad can give me a thrashing if he likes, or he can just watch.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:56, Reply)

*swoons*

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:58, Reply)

Aw, don't be a spoilsport DG :o/

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:52, Reply)

Don't worry pet
My work internet connection is being so slow that any attempt by me to duel with Bert over your affections is going to end in 404 disaster anyway.

You guys have fun! :)
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:56, Reply)

Ah! The modern b3tan relationship
lovely
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:58, Reply)

You're invited too, you know :o)

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:00, Reply)

This is probably my favourite OT thread EVER
I get happynaughtyfuntime with you and chickenlady? This is awesome, if BGB joins in I'm likely to explode all over my monitor.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Oh BGBeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Where are you?

*drums fingers*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:04, Reply)

So how do you want it up you
and which brand of chocolate spread is that? If it's Nutella, game on.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:04, Reply)

Diagonally
And of course it's Nutella - all the nutty goodness is extra protein, ergo it counts in with the GI diet ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Diagon-anally?
Right, bend over.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:08, Reply)

I mis-read that as "Diagon Alley"
Was about to flounce if you were a Harry Snotter fan...
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 16:12, Reply)

I'm here, oiled and ready.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 17:30, Reply)

Now I feel sorry for you
Would you like to join in? I'd be more than happy to be behind you as you pound your Mrs in our little sex conga
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 Aug 2009, 15:59, Reply)