Brothers and Sisters, welcome to the Not Too Spangly Church of the Jesus and Roota Chain!
The NoTSCOTJARC (catchy eh? And we'll be ditching Jesus after a while, else he'll want a cut of the offerings)
EDIT WE ARE NOW TO BE KNOWN AS TNTSCoR

I, Pastor Roota, would like to welcome you all.
My first Minsiter, Sister TGB will be passing round the collection basket shortly.

This man is my inspiration. He has made a fortune and healed many people. He can do this just by blowing them.
This is my favourite Benny Hinn era - the 90s.
This is because his hair was at its biggest and he used to get drunk on the power of the Holy Spirit.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOPQ9Cxz5So

Remember, you will not amount to anything unless you send all your money to the NoTSCOTJARC!!
Send it now! Praise and heal!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 12:54, 103 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Come on people
give up your wonga it's a small price to pay to save your souls.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Sister, to whom should our fromagely love be directed?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 12:58, Reply)

I'm a fan of wendslydale
with stuff in. Maybe our deity would have bits of redemption in or something
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Wensleydale & Salvation!
I'm a-hungry for that, Sister!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:00, Reply)

AMEN TO THAT
*sways arms*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:04, Reply)

*falls over*
There's a fly in this room. It keeps crossing my screen.
Satan comes in many guises.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:05, Reply)

Praise be we have our first convert
Brother DiT will be our second minister and is working out how to set up our credit card hotline.

*speaks in tongues*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Erm, scrap that,,,
The Lord has just told Brother DiT that we would be better to accept only cash, no cheques, no traceable cards.

The Lord does not like leaving complicated paper trails when he is healing and saving.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:00, Reply)

The Lord has no time for Administration.
And yea, he has provided us with a special pen to make sure the notes are real. If there's one thing He hates, it's forgeries.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:03, Reply)

The penalty for forged tenners is facial boils
For twenties it is facial boils and genital warts.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:04, Reply)

And the penalty for real fivers
is a slap in the face for being cheap - does your soul hold no value to you!?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:05, Reply)

Amen!
Scrape your financial barrel for the Lord. (I got that off Benny. he really said it.)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:07, Reply)

I read that all as Benny Hill and was wondering why there was an intoxicated* man on stage.
Oh Roota, forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tressespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil. For you are the only lord our god, R0o0o0otah & TGB, R-Men.

I have come to you, in search of light and wisdom, for you shall soon see, I have been tresspassed against. I, too, was expecting a Subway for one of my daily meals, perhaps get a nice twelve incher that would last from the point where the sun is at it's heighest, to the point where the sun is at it's lowest. To graze on such a feast, as a cow grazes on the grass, and bask in the glory that is Chicken Teryakki. But alas, such things can not happen on a day like today, for you see, it is still not open. My mind and soul is troubled by this, so if you can deliver me from the evil thoughts that plague me and heal this troubled mind, o'lordettes, then you truely are more than mortal binary codes and pixals.

* with DA LAOOORD
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:08, Reply)

You, brother, shall not eat a chicken Tery Waitey until...
... after the Sun has risen fully on the 5th day of the Lord's week.

We may be able to hurry this along if you send a donation.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:11, Reply)

Subway is the devils work
Sand-Witch - the clue is in the name. The witch will capture your soul and devour it meaning you must live your life in darkness

However for small extra fee we can bless your sandwitch - freeing it of the evil and allowing you to gorge yourself on delicious sand-witchless-ness
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Sister, you speak sooth

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:18, Reply)

As you have spoken, thy words shall be actioned, for what is the lordette's PayPal, and does the lordettes accept payment in kind.
For payment can be recieved via the fruit of my bounty, and the recipys of thy hart. Such recipys such as Sweet Chilli Sauce and Fillé steak.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Cash only, Brother Gonz
And keep away from us with your staff of sin.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:19, Reply)

I shall give away every fiscal asset of mine* to Not Too Spangly Church of the Jesus and Roota Chain!, forthwritly.
And as such, require a blessed Subway in return for my selfless act.


* You get the same records as the goverment, right? Yeah'? Ok, that's fine, I can do that then.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:28, Reply)

You must give us
all your material posessions for total absolution
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:36, Reply)

You're catching on.
GIVE.
Give to TNTSCoR!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:37, Reply)

You are dangerously close to heresy Chief Scribe 90Nz0.
Recant now or face excommunication. The sight of the softly glowing radience of the incoherent Ding's Holy Golden Bum will be denied to you forevermore.
Arno.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 4 Jan 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Am I the first person to make a blow me joke?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:18, Reply)

2nd
Sister TGB also saw the sin in the inoccuous wording.
I have punished and exorcised the culpable demon.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Does that mean I get two blow jobs?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Yes
from Benny Hinn himself!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:21, Reply)

Bless you sister
for I was in grave danger of giving a lascivious answer.
Bless you indeed.
Here, have a this donated games console.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Thank you
I will of course redonate it to the church once I can upgrade. So anyone with a PS3 your soul is in the deepest of trouble and you must rid yourself of the evil games box
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Is that why he was 'spunking in tongues'?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Oh, the sin is in you
You must give!
Give all you have!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Are you talking sexeh?
Or asking for a cash 'donation'?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:41, Reply)

You will not tempt me!
Hand over the moolah!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Only if you are ready to take.
To receive all I have!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:46, Reply)

I was blind but now I can see!
Hallelujah!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:19, Reply)

You know, Pastor Hinn saw a millionaire in the bargain shoe store
and he told Pastor Hinn he had lost all his riches.

Pastor Hinn said that it was because he gave his money to the synagogue and not the Church. Please bear this in mind.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:21, Reply)

Any chance of a sign?
Or a miracle?

I like signs.

And miracles.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:23, Reply)

We have already had the miracle
of my car fixing itself, a reward from the great Cheese god himself for my faith.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:27, Reply)

And here's a sign

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Moneys
Can i just write my card details here and my pin number and everything here and you do it for me ;)
(Just Me being probed by aliens since, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Yes that's fine, Sister
Gaz it to me or Sister TGB.
We don't want everybody seeing it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:30, Reply)

The sinners must not have access to your details
only the pure believers of TNTSCoR
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:35, Reply)

I see what you did there, Sister TGB

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:38, Reply)

^^
Okidoke.
(Just Me being probed by aliens since, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:32, Reply)

piss off
you're not getting any money from me
bah humbug etc
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:29, Reply)

You know you're doomed, right?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Doooooooooooooomed

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:35, Reply)

Should we kill the heretic?
(Baggsy me the Inquisition role)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:42, Reply)

the three of you can shove it right up your cocks

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Well done KkKkkkkKRrrriIsssTttttIiinnEee!!!!!
We all know there's only ONE true religion on b3ta!
All Hail our golden bummed goddess DING!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 4 Jan 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Heresy!
May the New Friggin' Messiah smite you with carpal tunnel.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:39, Reply)

You poor lost soul
With a easy monthly payment plan your soul can be saved in just 12 handy payments of £299.99
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Poor child
You evidently have a demon or two inside you.
Would you like a little exorcism?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:42, Reply)

you can "exorcise my demons" any time you want

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:44, Reply)

One bump or two?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:46, Reply)

I don't belive in organised religion.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:51, Reply)

We're not very organised at all
You'll be right at home.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:56, Reply)

will you LOOK at the size of that Sidney?
Fan-bloody-tastic mate. Best one yet.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:11, Reply)

PRAISE-A THE LAWD-A.
...for a miracle has occurred-a.

On Xmas eve I sent a very old friend that link to the 'exchanging' dance clip on YouTube. He was one of my best friends for about 20 years and we fell out over something monumentally stupid and hadn't spoken for a couple of years.

Through the healing power of comedy my prodigal friend has been'a restored to me, halleluja.

Seriously though this is the best thing to have happened to me for fucking AAAges. I am really, really happy.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:50, Reply)

excellent news
always good to get a good old friend back.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:51, Reply)

True seh dat.
*breaks into celebratory 'exchanging'*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:54, Reply)

*exchanges and praises*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Is Ges a long time, or the name of your friend?
Only kidding, mate. I'm glad for you.

Some drunkenly texted Half Man Half Biscuit lyrics made me get back in touch with a much-missed prodigal friend of mine.
And again it was a silly reason in the first place...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:54, Reply)

It's the singular term for a long time
'A ges' as in 1 x ges.

Don't they teach you NUTT'N these days?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:56, Reply)

I would like to see this time unit catch on.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:58, Reply)

With the grace of the Lord it surely can.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:04, Reply)

And as such
I hope you are going to donate heavily
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Sperm is legal tender, right?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:57, Reply)

yours isn't

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Neither legal nor particularly tender, I suppose
*shrugs*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:13, Reply)

crunchy and illegal
two of my favourite things
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:14, Reply)

New Year's Day was fucking weird
I got home from babysitting at about 5am and, feeling rather disgruntled at my sedate NYE experience, proceeded to get thoroughly trounced, staggering off to bed at 11am. When I woke up at 4pm I did not have a fucking clue what day it was and whether it was day or night...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:24, Reply)

I'm guessing this was not an unfamiliar feeling

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:33, Reply)

haha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Like welcoming an old but rather confusing friend home....
Actually that's not at all the case. I tend not to get all that hammered - high as a mutha, yes, but on the whole I'm pretty together. Unless DMT is involved.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:36, Reply)

I don't really want to join a group that would have me as a member.
So I think I'll decline thankyouverymuch.
( girlinthehole, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:52, Reply)

But you'll be left in poverty and misery
You really need us and we really need your money.
You don;t want boils do you? Or gout? Gout hurts...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Poverty and misery aren't so bad once you get used to it.
I've been there.
( girlinthehole, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Well I'm not happy about it
and only your money can drag me out.
GIVE FREELY!!!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:57, Reply)

I do give freely.
Just not money.
( girlinthehole, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:02, Reply)

Here then, have some of this Roota Juice
and maybe we can persuade you otherwise.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Member!
Huh huh!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:55, Reply)

hehehe

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Dumbass
meh-heh-heh
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 13:58, Reply)

It's good to see
how this church has evolved in a couple of hours to the state that has taken the Christian church 2000 years.

Next stop a documentry on Channel 5, "When religions go bad."
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:12, Reply)

We have a long way to go
We've not molested any altar boys yet.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:16, Reply)

*points at Monty*

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Excuse me?
Despite all my debauched antics, the field of pederasty remains unexamined, I'll have you know.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Fucking lightweight.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:47, Reply)

Speak for yourself

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Shhhhh!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:23, Reply)

True, or actually burned a heretic
At this rate of progress, I predict a trip to the holyland for a quick crusade, about 3:30 this afternoon.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Missed the bus...
...off to burn down the 'Forty Thieves' kebab house instead.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:22, Reply)

I just burned some bacon
Will that do?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Kedgeree
Oh noes a time loop.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Noooooooooo!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Die creationist scum.
You are gonna burn motherfucker.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I read that as bum motherfucker
And, as I am obliged to take the minority point of view: I think, oh fuck it, Praise the lords Roota and TGB. The scales have fallen from my eyes.

I have the lord's cheese about me.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:24, Reply)

Wensleydale and Salvation for you brother!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I'd prefer a cracker

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:29, Reply)

I'm here to save your sole
Not your Carr's Water Biscuits
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 14:32, Reply)

At least our lord is tasty
unlike Christ. I found him to be dry and crackly
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Like Flying Saucers
without the joy of sherbet
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Our church is better.
The Church Of Ding!
Hun Dan! Stupid Hat! Arno!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 4 Jan 2010, 15:42, Reply)