As a boy
My primary school had a 'progressive lunch' day, where teams of children were fed a different course at a different parents' home. At the main course house, I entered the realms of legend by eating no fewer than twenty sausages, and was unable to participate in the fun and games later in the day because I was doubled over in a darkened room, having gone a very real shade of puce.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:48, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You really do love sausage, don't you?
That seemed too easy. All I remember of primary school lunches is eating far too much once, and vomiting a lot in the dining hall.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:51, Reply)

When I was three
I ate a pudding that was topped with some rather over-toasted almonds, which caused me to vomit copiously all over the refectory of Lincoln Theological College.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:12, Reply)

On a school camp, we were given a packed lunch, containing a hard boiled egg.
We bet a kid something like 10p each, that he couldn't eat everyones, 40 or so. He managed most of them, disappeared to the doctors, and lost the bet cos there were a few left. Haha.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Did you go to school with Paul Newman, by any chance?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:54, Reply)

^?^

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Never seen 'Cool Hand Luke'?
Stars the aforementioned Newman, and features a famous hard-boiled egg eating contest scene. Not so amusing if you have not.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:57, Reply)

*
Beaten to it with the "love sausage gag"

On another note, sausages truely are the height of meaty goodness. I prefer mustard as a condiment but ketchup, brown sauce and to a lesser extent salad cream, are all fine substitutes.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:56, Reply)

I tried a Quorn sausage recently.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Edit, salad cream is the jizz of Satan.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Quorn sausages are like alcohol-free beer:
why upset yourself? Just have something different - if you don't eat meat, you can't have any sausages. It really is that simple.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I used to quite like Quorn sausages
as they were a nice change. As a vegetarian it was nice to have something different. Then I started eating meaty sausages, first the cheap supermarket ones, then the more expensive higher-pork content ones, then butcher's sausages. Recently there were two packs of Quorn sausages reduced to 40p a pack so I snapped them up and cooked a pack that night. They were fucking terrible and I ended up splitting them open and leaving them on the bird table.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I hope the birds
called you a cunt, and shit on your car. Quorn is yuk.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:19, Reply)

For meat eaters, yes.
But I maintain it's great for variety and protein for vegetarians. And birds.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Even when I had the disease of vegetarianism,
I never liked Quorn. Sosmix was nice though.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:23, Reply)

That Realeat vegeburger mix
is the taste of 80s free festivals - I have extremely happy, albeit rather foggy, memories of that stuff.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I still buy Sosmix occasionally.
Great stuff.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I have lots of vegetarian friends
So I have become adept at making stews and curries with Quorn chunks. The worst faux-meat items I've seen are the execrable attempts to counterfeit bacon. Really, don't bother.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:25, Reply)

The ones which look like they have been drawn with wax crayons?

(TheColonel, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:26, Reply)

^
This.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Those faux bacon things are like dog chews.
In looks anyway, never tried one. What's the point of being vegi, and craving bacon?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:26, Reply)

That's a fucking stupid question.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Not really.
Surely part of turning vegi means wanting to explore new shit. Not have a chemically enhanced pig smelling bit of soya and God knows what.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Some vegetarians crave bacon because it tastes good.
Meat substitutes aren't supposed to be perfect replicas of the product they're substituting. People have the view that this stuff's shit, and it is compared to the meat versions, so don't eat it, easy. It's perfectly fine for vegetarians who have their reasons for their dietary choice but want some variety and excitement in what they eat.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Eat aubergine and lentil loaf,
topped with Haloumi cheese. One of my crowning vegi dishes.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:41, Reply)

I thought
that that's precisely what they were supposed to be - the closest they could get to the original meat product. Is that really not so?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:42, Reply)

You've tasted them, right?
You're right, the closest they can get, but not a perfect substitute. I've just noticed I feel slightly defensive and a bit militant about this whole subject, probably because I spent most of my life being awkward and odd and an outsider just for being a vegetarian. Sometimes I wished I was black or gay. So I'm just gonna stop.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:44, Reply)

I ate vegetarian food maybe four nights a week growing up.
We had extensive gardens and consequently enormous quantities of fresh fruit and vegetables - but what we ate weren't 'fake' versions of meat dishes, they celebrated the vegetables rather than trying to make them seem like meat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:48, Reply)

The main reason I started eating meat
is because I was bored to death of vegetarian food. I welcomed the availability of substitutes because they increased the ingredients available. I think my point is that although they don't stand up to their meaty inspiration, as ingredients for vegetarians they're perfectly reasonable and good for increasing variety.
Edit: and omnivores that moan about them are banging an already very dented drum.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Fair enough.
I had meat to liven up my diet....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:54, Reply)

So do I, now!
*high-fives*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:57, Reply)

I've really shot myself in the foot here.
Actually I really do love sausages (the food kind) - I plan to write a book on them one day. All meat-eating cultures seem to have them and, bar the simply repulsive andouillette, I love them all. I've had all sorts of weird ones, from Chinese wind-dried sausages to Argentinian black pudding.

Yum, and again I say, yum.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Ooh, Argentian black pud.
How's that differ from the usual? And is black pud a sausage? DEBATE!

Yeah, it is, according to Wiki. Must be right then.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Yes it is. Debate over.
In the US they call it 'blood sausage', for starters.

Argentinian is softer and crumblier than the British version, and without the visible lumps of fat. It's rich and flavourful and without doubt one of the nicest things I have ever eaten. Seriously, it's fucking fantastic.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Well according to the font of all knowledge, Wikipedia
A sausage is a food made from ground meat.
Black pudding is a type of sausage.

Ergo: Blood is ground meat.

Wikipedia triumphs again.
(TheColonel, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Black Pudding and Choritzo FTW

I'm actually salivating!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Will it be scratch 'n' sniff?

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Hopefully.
I'm still working on the details.

I plan to launch the book in Israel.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Followed by,
"Pork chops I have known and loved."
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:20, Reply)

^New number 2
Mainly because I had to look up the colour puce.

A boy I went to school with used to have cold Bernard Matthew's turkey dinosaurs instead of sandwiches in his packed lunch.
(TheColonel, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Not a fellow destined for great things in life, I suspect...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:07, Reply)

He broke his leg twice.
Once by falling over in the bath, and a second time by falling off a chair onto a ladder.
(TheColonel, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:08, Reply)

My lunchtime story
As a kid we stopped in a little cafe in Calais on the way home from a camping holiday. I asked for ketchup with my frites and was bought a bottle that must have been on a windowsill for a few months. On removing the top there was a loud BOOF noise and most of the bottle's contents were explosively distributed over a six foot radius. We looked like disaster victims.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I ALWAYS check that the lid is on a bottle of ketchup before shaking it
for the reason that I once gave a bottle a rigorous shake and the lid hadn't been done up, leaving wonderful tiger stripes of red sauce all over the kitchen ceiling.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 10:21, Reply)