Food thread
Sorry. Any ideas? I'm cooking a thank-you meal for my parents. I've bought the wine before the food- a couple of bottles of a pretty good Bordeaux, one Sauternes and a Brown Brothers Muscat and Flora (so 2 dessert wines in total.) I can't cook so suggestions of easy food I can buy and simply cook/reheat that would go with the wine would be lovely.

Alternative question: What's the most bizarre sexual practice you've come across? (Points for truthfulness and weirder than plushophilia)

Edit: Thanks for all suggestions. I'm leaning towards the lasagne since it'll go well with red wine.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:02, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Steak and lots of it
as for the alt Q: Voltaires Angry Glove
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:04, Reply)

oh my god that's horrific!!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:45, Reply)

It sure is Kitty
it sure is
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I'm literally like this:
O_O
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:50, Reply)

You can't go wrong with lasagne
Unless they're Veggie, in which case cook the lasagne, then throw it at them, telling them you hate them, before jumping onto the table crying and screaming the Lord's Prayer and masturbating.

Alt Q: Monkeyfacing.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:05, Reply)

they're not veggie
but the only good lasagne is homemade lasagne which might be a bit beyond my talents
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Not difficult at all
Brown the meat (fnarr), add the onions & some garlic.
Cook them until soft.
Add tomatoes, chopped peppers, tomato puree, mushrooms, etc. Add all your herbs and such. Leave it to cook in the pan for about 20 mins.

For the cheese sauce, get the strongest cheddar you can lay your hands on, grate it up, and mix with a beschamel sauce, made from butter, milk & flour.

Layer in a dish with dried lasagne. I tend to go meat/pasta/sauce in that order.

Cook for about 20 mins.

Farking delicious.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:12, Reply)

It really is simple.
Daughter made it from scratch single-handed last year.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Dried lasagna sheets - 20 mins? Which brand would that be?
But your'e spot on there.
So that's spagbol sauce, cheese sauce (you can even buy both these in glass jars) and pasta sheets layered in a dish.
I often top it like a pizza - cheese sauce/tomato slices/ mushrooms/ ham - anything lying around more or less.
Cannot go wrong. Bake 210deg covered with foil for 50 minutes, then uncover and brown the top for another 15/20 minutes.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:18, Reply)

I just use Supermarket ones
Usually that's all it takes me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Hmm - I don't doubt you.
The ones I usually use take at least an hour to soften.
Perhaps my family - sorry, adorable chidren - prefer their pasta overcooked.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Now you're saying this I'm rather nervous
So I'll have a proper look when I get in later.

I know for a fact it's less than an hour.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I'd do this except cook the onions first and leave out the peppers.
Maybe not cheddar too.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:46, Reply)

That's why I love lasagne
The recipe can be pretty much completely changed. For example, I don't even use Mushrooms in mine, but I know others who do.

My sister put creme fraiche in hers recently. It just smelled like foot cheese.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:48, Reply)

A very good point!
It's so easy to cook and probably one of the best things to eat in the world. I also concur with your 20 minute pasta sheet thing too, I use standard pasta sheets and I just cook it at 190C for about 20 mins.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I do the same
Then I'll take it out, sprinkle some Lea&Perrins on top, and grill it for a couple of minutes.

Browns the top nicely!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:59, Reply)

I would love to throw lasagne at someone
I think I know some vegans, I'll invite them round.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:09, Reply)

Hooray for the urban dictionary
I laughed out loud at that one
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:14, Reply)

I love the pterodactyl definition on there
(the one with the bedsheet, not with five guys to a girl)
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:23, Reply)

*goes back to urban dictionary*
ha ha! that's one of the more likely sounding ones (what with it not involving doing something horrible to the girl at the point of climax).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:29, Reply)

yeah that's what I thought. Plus it's way cuter than the other one.
Also, I don't think anyone gagging on cock is going to sound like a pterodactyl.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Why do I never have conversations like this in the real world?
*asks CEO if someone gagging on cock would sound like a pterodactyl*



*collects P45*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I do
but that's why my group of friends has a wide circle around them at the pub.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:45, Reply)

have you seen that awful
pterodactyl porn?

might find the link if you aren't at work
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:44, Reply)

No but I'm very very interested

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:46, Reply)

OK, but really this is very very NSFW
also, keep watching, believe it or not, it really gets worse

www.haporn.com/video/b9f14454cf70dc711483
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I'll watch it when I get home
once I've shut the blinds, switched off my phone and sent Wiggy out to buy milk.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:51, Reply)

you might want to replace your eyes
and brain afterwards
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:56, Reply)

oh god.
there are no words
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:07, Reply)

Make a simple spaghetti.
It's easy - here's how I do it.

Dry fry 1lb ground beef (mince) until brown.
Throw in half a large onion (chopped)
1/2lb mushrooms
2 cloves garlic (chopped)
Salt, pepper and a dash of basil and rosemary.
Add a jar of Ragu and half a glass of red wine.

Simmer for 20 minutes while the spaghetti is cooking.

Serve with a sprinkling of parmesan cheese
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:07, Reply)

I've never experienced it
but wolfbagging is my favourite weird sexual practice to tell people about. Stop striking that through.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:08, Reply)

Oh god, MIND Bleach please
Where do these things come from???

(I'm getting so old).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:03, Reply)

I can't believe most of these things are done
to be honest. Like Rickrolling for example
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:05, Reply)

I fell for it
I told myself I wouldn’t look because I have been traumatized, but I couldn’t help myself. You're cruel! Picking on an old fart who doesn’t know any better!
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:45, Reply)

It does need mindbleach

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 18:03, Reply)

I've come across a space hopper before.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:09, Reply)

That lifetime ban from Toys' R' Us was well worth it, eh?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)

The handles make me frisky.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:36, Reply)

A steak and ale pie should be pretty easy, and you can prepare and cook on the night.
www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/database/scotchbeefaleandmush_762.shtml

This looks simple, ignore the mushroom ketchup bit.

Alt Q: Filling your cock balls with saline solution until they are so big as to be useless.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Theres a really nice spinach and feta cannelloni that even I can make
And I set fire to toast. Dunno if it goes with the wine though.

Alt Q: The Anchorman Breakfast, although thats not so much bizarre as epic.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:11, Reply)

What's The Anchorman Breakfast?
Urban dictionary doesn't have it in.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)

It doesn't have it in because my mates invented it.
Fucking a girl doggy style whilst watching Anchorman and eating a full english breakfast off her back (on a plate) and drinking a beer.

Two of my friends actually did it for their boyfriends for Christmas. Apparently it works really well.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:31, Reply)

That doesn't sound good at all,
if they can balance a plate on their back they're doing it wrong.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Could they be really fat?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:37, Reply)

If they're really fat you could get a wave motion going on their back fat that'll fling it against the wall.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:38, Reply)

doublesided tape
solves the problem
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:41, Reply)

you've done this before.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Absolutely
I love a beer when I'm giving someone a good seeing too
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:46, Reply)

Can't be beaten
Got me into trouble once though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:49, Reply)

it doesn't solve the problem of the whole thing being stupid

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:45, Reply)

nothing can do that

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I think that's the point of it.
I can think of at least infinity other things to do in the bedroom that are sexier though.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:46, Reply)

including a donkey punch

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:47, Reply)

oddly enough
I find introducing a donkey to the bedroom spoils the mood
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:49, Reply)

You drink the punch before you bring in the donkey.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:50, Reply)

ahhh I've been doing it wrong and just punching a donkey

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:52, Reply)

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=donkey%20punch
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:53, Reply)

I know what it is,
I was kidding, pshaw!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:09, Reply)

*shudder*
I missed this, but a friend of mine dressed as a horse (well in a horse mask) once gave a bit of a show which ended in suggestive moves with a banana and some squirty cream.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:51, Reply)

It's like a bizarre enactment
of Clerks II. When you say they gave a show... do you mean to more than one person?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:53, Reply)

uh, yes, quite a few
sometimes LARPers are as bad as you think
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I wouldn't say that
but I would say more exciting than I'd have thought. Though I struggle to imagine a gameplay scenario involving Tijiuana
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:55, Reply)

I very nearly sploofed coffee everywhere then
but managed to keep it in.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:47, Reply)

I can't imagine it would be that fun

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Feta is foul and disgusting, and I will not condone it's usage in a culinary sense in any shape or form.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:31, Reply)

You're a student!
You shouldn't even know what feta is!

Because it's shit.

Having read your Anchorman breakfast idea, I like it. *takes notes*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:35, Reply)

make this
www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2818/ovenbaked-risotto-

it's fucking easy and delicious. roast some butternut squash and add it at the end for extra awesomeness


Alt Q: angry dragon or angry pirate
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Cook them a pie made of your siblings
when they comment how delicious it is scream
"NOT AS DELICIOUS AS ALL THAT EXTRA INHERITANCE"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Haha!

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:18, Reply)

marinade some chicken breasts, I usually buy the bottled stuff, lemon pepper or whatever
let it soak for a half hour then pour chicken and marinade into glass dish with some mushrooms and cover with foil. Bake at 400 for about an hour.
Quarter carrots and fry in a covered pan with olive oil and italian seasoning and cayenne, stir frequently for about 20 minutes.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:21, Reply)

400! Do you work for CERN?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Don't be silly they use centigrade like the rest of the Intelligent world.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)

+you

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Celsius

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:29, Reply)

Well technically they probably use Kelvin.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Clain?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Klein?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:35, Reply)

that's what I was getting at
Kelvin Clain.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:37, Reply)

This sounds delicious
Thanks
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:27, Reply)

you might wanna bang some garlic in with those carrots
that shit is off the hook
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)

The Power Rangers Final Attack

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Where they wank off the big robot and it's
squirty drowns the badguys
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:36, Reply)

NEENEEEENEEEEENEEE! GO GO POWER RANGERS!
We all wobble out joysticks and stand on each other's backs and do turbo jizzums all up your bum and then hit you in the pobber with a Tiger Woods' signature putter. gently patting your fanny lips. yay! hole in one!
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:43, Reply)

I know this one
after a frantic yet predictable set of moves, an ugly monster gets a good seeing to.

Done it.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Sounds like a standard Bash...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:46, Reply)

Space docking, for sure.
Re food, seeing as you've bought both red and white wines, one of them is likely to be a bit 'wrong' for what you cook.

I'd recommend crab and chili linguine, it truly is a piece of piss, takes not much more than the time it takes to cook the pasta and tastes delicious. As you have dessert wines you're clearly planning on having pudding, so the crab dish is also perfect as it's not too heavy so you won't be over-stodged.

Cheesecake goes will with that Brown Bros muscat - it's like apricot juice. Very nice.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:40, Reply)

The white ones
i.e. the Sauternes and Muscat are both dessert wines, and ideal for fruit based desserts, so I'll probably do Eton Mess for parents, and lemon tart for me. Though now I've read your suggestion of cheesecake I might change since I do love cheesecake. So just red for main course.

The crab dish sounds lovely, but I can't cook/eat fish or shellfish since I'm allergic. Thanks though
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:44, Reply)

you haven't given enough consideration to my oven-baked risotto idea
it really is delicious and easy
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:45, Reply)

It looks lovely
and my mouth is now watering because of it. I shall bookmark the page and try and cook it anyway for me
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:48, Reply)

the cherry tomatoes aren't really necessary, other, tastier veg work better
I can recommend replacing the bacon with chorizo, and the white wine with red as well.

it's a great standby recipe. I've fed it to loads of people and everyone of them has asked for the recipe.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:51, Reply)

I shall definitely give it a shot
and replacing white with red sounds like a good idea as well
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:54, Reply)

it looks a bit weird when you use red
but don't let that put you off
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Docking, indeed
The way I had it explained to me when I first heard it, was that one chap literally fucked the piss hole of another chap. Obviously this sort of practise wasn't for beginners or spontaneous abandon.

Then it turns out that it's just a bit of foreskin ramming.


Gayblades.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Space docking, the way I was told it,
is freezing one of one's turds and then using it as a dildo of perfect proportions to one's anal cavity.

Simply charming, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:24, Reply)

why the hell are some people actually talking about cooking
when you've included a question about sickening sexual practices?! JEEZ
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:50, Reply)

more to the point
why haven't you accepted my facebook friend request? hmm?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:53, Reply)

sorry I wasn't looking, I'll do it now.
to the Facebookmobile!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I like you little info thing about hating people

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:57, Reply)

haha thanks

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:10, Reply)

she doesn't like your stupid face and your smug beard

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:55, Reply)

quiet you

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:56, Reply)

haha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:11, Reply)

Perhaps they are talking about sickening sexual practises
but they are too obscure and culinary-sounding for us to get
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:07, Reply)

oh yeah
I've licked a couple bumholes before.
Which isn't really weird for me, I'm open to anything, but it's funny to see a guy get weird about it.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:52, Reply)

You probably shouldn't tell them
as you are kissing them
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Don't you know?
You're stealing their masculinity with every lick
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 16:56, Reply)

You might find some good stuff here....
blog.90nz0.com/tags/food/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 17:31, Reply)

A simple 3 courses
Starter - Roasted peppers
Main - Spaghetti carbonnera
Dessert - Tiramasu

For the starter you need 1 pepper per person (red are nice and sweet)

Simply cut the peppers in half lengthways, scoop out the seeds and white pith. Lay on an oiled tray. Into each pepper put 4-6 halves of cherry or baby plum tomatoes, 2 or 3 anchovies, a couple of fresh basil leaves and a good glug of the best extra virgin olive oil you can afford. good twist of black pepper and salt, Roast for 20-25 mins on gas 5/6


For the main, big pan of boiling water, add spaghetti (500gms will do 4 ppl) takes 12 mins too cokk giving time to do below.
While that is cooking, take a big handful of smoked bacon lardons and half a finely chopped onion and get then in a pan to fry.
For the sauce, into a bowl put 3 egg yolks (nice and fresh) a small pot of single (250ml) cream and a big handful of finely grated parmesan and a good big pinch of white pepper. whisk it all together.

When the spaghetti is cooked, drain well and return to pan. Add in the nice crispy smoked bacon bits and onion, give it a good stir. Then quickly add the sauce and mix in as quickly as possible to avoid scrambling the egg. Lovely stuff, serve up hot with a sprinkle of parmesan on top.

For the pudding, goddamn, just buy a nice tiramasu from tesco :)
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 18:06, Reply)

carbonara is better without the cream
for 2 people you need 3 eggs, beaten with 50g of grated parmesan, shitloads of parsley and black pepper.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 20:35, Reply)

The variations are endless arn't they
When I do this at home, I just use 2 egg yolks per person with parmesan.

But if you remove the egg whites and use cream as above, it is far less likely to scramble when you add the sauce to the pasta and is much more beginner friendly.

Black pepper is true to most classic recipes, but my Italian grandmother had dentures, and so would always use white pepper so there would be no tiny bits of black pepper sticking under her false teeth!

Mum and my aunts on the Italian side use black pepper, so it is only me who sticks to grannies recipe. They call me a philistine for using white pepper, I tell them they are only half Italian and know nothing ;)

But parsley? nooooooo
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:08, Reply)

I heart your sig
it's my favourite line in all the discworld novels.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:18, Reply)

Haha, sig win.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:04, Reply)