So I'm sitting in the station waiting for my train
And within about 5 minutes have been privy to: a small child running about stealing things; a woman nearly driving an old person-carrying-buggy into someone; and a man trying to subtlely look at pron mags in whsmiths. So, amuse me since i have trains, or tell me interesting tales of train travel.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:50, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The train was invented in 1974 by Freddie Mercury
as a means of transporting his moustache to concerts

FACT
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:53, Reply)

ha ha ha
I assume it had it's own buffet and billiards carriages.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

There's always food and billiards on the AIDS Express

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:04, Reply)

You're on fire today.
Lollius maximus.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Cheers
although making fun of trains and/or Freddie Mercury is like shooting fish in a barrel
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Is that the sequel to the polar express?
Except in this one Tom Hanks revives his character from Philidelphia and bums children all the way to lapland?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Ha Ha! Fucking hell!
"If you dont beleive in santa, you know what happens?"

"I wont get any presents?"

"No, you die of an AIDS related illness"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I have been sitting on the platform at home and seen a South West Trains go by
this bemused me.
(I live in Manchester)

Got the tube for the first time in ages/since Thursday yesterday. Urgh.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:54, Reply)

We sometimes get the transpennine express
In glasgow central. It's far too english for my liking.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:07, Reply)

yeah I hate sober trains

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:19, Reply)

A freind of mine was on at train that someone jumped in front of

Apparently she could hear bits of the jumper bouncing along under the carriages.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Lies - It was a cardigan.

(Cave Duck, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I like trains.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Here You go
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYnsfV5N2n8
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

You mean the second one
that's exactly wht I thought when I read that post
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Shit, is that the first one?
Arse. Can't actually view it at work.

Is this better? - www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKB4h9gvmm0
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:47, Reply)

I'm sitting in a railways station
Got a ticket for my destination, mmmm.

None of the above is true

I used to hate trains but now I love them.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Not one of your best posts

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I never think about it
I just spew forth the contents of my mind
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:07, Reply)

That was a classic brain dump

I get messages on my mobile from gilrs I know and it'll just be 2 minutes of them talking nonsense, just complete stream of conciousness. No relevance to anything or any reason to leave a message!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I do that when I'm drunk
It's very embarrasing next morning when you are forced to listen to it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 May 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I don't leave messages
Your call register will tell you I called.
If I get no answer and it's important, I'll follow it with an explanatory text.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Exactly - messages are for things that need a response

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:19, Reply)

I continue to hate trains
Due to the price, time it takes, and the other people commonly found on them.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:05, Reply)

I generally strike it lucky

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I hate you for this.

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Cock off then!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:14, Reply)

JUSTICE FOR LUBBOCK

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

:D

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:59, Reply)

And do you know which station that was written in?
Go on - have a guess.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 18 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)

The most shit ever spouted by a mobile phone using train passenger
was by an unknown female student in 2007 travelling to Reading from Bristol Temple Meads. Experts have concluded that during the 45 minute journey she spouted a constant stream of shit for the entire journey, never once saying something of worth or merit. It has been calculated that enough verbal diarrhoea was created to back up the Greater London Sewage System for 5 months had it been actual human excreta.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I had one of those.
All the way from Leeds to London, in the quiet carriage.
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I would have told her/him to shut up or GTFO
but then i'm a miserable shitleg
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:06, Reply)

You should have punched them.

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:06, Reply)

The quiet carriage is SACRED
I have exiled* noisy people from the quiet carriage before.

*ok, attempted to...not always been successful...was called a cunt once.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I hate confrontation.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Normally I do
But on trains I become easily-irritable, and charged with holy wrath.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:26, Reply)

What's the best way to get to bristol?
The train seems expensive and the coach stops in heatrow for nearly an hour.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:08, Reply)

From where?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

M to the K

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:10, Reply)

...to the muthafuckin'...

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Heatrow?
Are you Irish?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

You know my real name

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

If we say it three times do you appear in the mirror?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 May 2010, 11:04, Reply)

By car, everywhere is better by car.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I don't even own a car.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Hire one for the weekend, that was you can avoid the proles on public transport.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:12, Reply)

HONK!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:13, Reply)

It might work out cheaper and much less hassle to hire one
assuming you've got a licence.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:12, Reply)

This isn't traveline.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I always fly there
But that's probably because I'm in Scotland. I'd guess driving would be best.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Honda Accord

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

PRACTICE *jazz hands*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:33, Reply)

The word 'station' was first used...
...in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey but is now used to describe all stops for trains.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:11, Reply)

used to commute on the train everyday
and got sick of people on the phone all the time so I bought a second hand phone jammer on eBay for £50 - peace and quiet on the train from then onwards.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I think I'm part-way towards recognising your genius.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Pretty sure this is illegal
Yep, yep you need to have a license. Highly doubt you'll ever be caught though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I've been tempted to try and make my own.
Or rather, something which just broadcasts an annoying noise at the frequencies at which phones operate.

Better still would be if I could modulate a recorded message onto it, along the lines of
"Having extended mobile telephone conversations whilst on a train is annoying, inconsiderate to others and, most importantly, IF YOU DON'T STOP, THE TICKET INSPECTOR WILL BUM YOU."
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I find it annoying
but precisely half as annoying as having to endure two people chatting inanely to each other in the carriage.

At least with a phone call you only have to listen to one spastic talking shit...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

haha, totally this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I get a train on Thursday nights and my friend gets the same train
I always worry that other people are getting fed up with listening to us chat. However, we do usually talk about depraved sexual acts (her) and tales of horrific embarrassment (me), so hopefully the people who don't have iPods are suitably entertained. Speaking of iPods, I'd rather listen to inane drivel on the train than someone playing their music so loud that you can't quite hear the music itself but you can hear tss tss tss tss tss
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Playing music through phone speakers
On public transport should be punishable by death.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:55, Reply)

The most unhelpful member of staff working at a train station
was a Mr. Brian Scratchcock from Basingstoke. During his 40 year career as one of those blokes who wear high-vis jackets, he managed to help absolutely no passengers. Experts have estimated that he said "Dunno mate, I just work here" a staggering 8 million times between 1968 - 2008.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I think I met him once.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I think he did the staff training for Thames Link.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I once asked a train guy how long he thought we would be stranded in between stations
and he said "I don't know, I'm just a mushroom", which confused me into not pressing him further. When I asked a northerner about this, she laughed and said it meant kept in the dark and fed shit.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:53, Reply)

hehe

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)

A friend of a friend
had his right arm torn off painting graffiti on a train. Once he'd recovered, he taught himself to paint left-handed and went straight back out there and carried right on painting trains.

I'm torn between belming 'til my face rips and admiration of the lad's dedication to his art.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I assume he was a tallented graffiti artist
rather that the "M Khan is Bent" variety
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Indeed so.
I know loads of graffiti painters and their dedication amazes me.

How many mainstream artists would

a) do their art for nothing and/or
b) risk imprisonment to get their work seen?

Fucking NONE, I reckon.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)

certainly not that weapons-grade cunt Emin

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

^^ This in spades

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

RACIST.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

I knew this would happen
But the speed astounded me. Bravo sir!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:44, Reply)

But she must have been in some horrific accident
How else does someone get their face disfigured into such a permanent objectionable sneer? The woman's lower jaw is practically at fucking right angles to the rest of her head, for crying out loud!
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Rocking pair of mams, though.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:50, Reply)

Nature is terrifically cruel sometimes
It's just as well mankind had the good sense to invent the paper bag.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:51, Reply)

...and staple gun.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Are you saying she's a prawn?

Cracking body, but you need to remove the head.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Hahahah that's a 'yes'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)

www.swradioafrica.com/Documents/zimartist281108.pdf


Edit - bollox - you said mainstream : (
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Beat me to it
Also I meant in this country, not fucking Bongo-bongo Land.


/baits
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Bongo-bongo land?
Love it *laughs*
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:44, Reply)

RACIST.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:45, Reply)

In truth I am, a bit.
I simply haven't the time or the inclination to get to know everyone on earth individually so I am forced to make generalisations about people based on cultural stereotypes. And I reckon most people do this but don't admit it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Especially the soap-dodging French.
bastards.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I reckon you're right

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

That's impressive.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

he's like the drummer from Def Leppard!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

'Graf Leppard'.
I shall pass this concept on. It will be immensely popular with his pals.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)

he could call himself Jeff Leppard

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)

BAKERLOO LINE BUMDER
Can't remember whether I've told you this one before or not...

In the summer of 2008, I had to set off from Elephant and Castle early one morning. It was probably the first or second tube train to depart the station that day. Bakerloo line at some ungodly hour when common sense would have dictated going back to bed or at least stopping somewhere for breakfast.

I blundered down the winding staircase to the platform and found the train waiting to depart. As I staggered into the carriage, I was just taking a seat when I spotted the glossy veneer of a magazine shimmering at me from the seat opposite.
Hmm, something to read? I thought, Let's see what it is; I've got a long journey ahead of me...

I leaned over to see what the nature of the magazine was. My eyes widened and I recoiled in alarm.
Bloody hell! Thought I, Some BUMDER has left a PAMPHLET OF PORNOGRAPHY FOR BUMDERS on this train! Don't think I'll be perusing that.

This made the start of the journey quite entertaining. Over the first few stops, more people boarded the train. Many wandered over to the seat, looked down at the magazine and then decided this was definitely not where they wanted to sit. Better yet, as the seats filled up, a void was left around this offending item. Even the people on the seats close to it seemed to be edging away from it in that manner normally only achieved by schoolchildren as they shuffle away in infantile disgust from the child who's just wet himself.

Eventually, the only seat in that part of the train not occupied by someone's arse was that occupied by the Book of Bumder. One man boarded the train at this stop. He walked over to the remaining seat and everybody else in the carriage seemed to watch in embarrassed anticipation.

It was as if he could feel our anticipation. As though he knew we were all waited to have a silent giggle at his horror. Whether he did or not, he did the one thing nobody expected.

He looked at the magazine. He picked it up. He sat down. And he read the magazine.

Brave man or UNABASHED BUMDER? You decide...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Another train/phone/idiot story
Twat was talking very loudly on the phone to his mate about what he has named his daughter and obviously thought he was very special and unique as he was shouting "Yeh we named her Hermione after the girl in the Harry Potter books" (this was before the movies) I still wonder what he calls his daughter these days as he was pronouncing it "her-mee-own"
( Peej, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Hahah what a cunt on two very distinct levels.

Bloke on the train sounds like an idiot too *dies laughing*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

You are a cruel and heartless man Monty.


Well done.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 18 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Daily mail readers always sit next to me on the tube
Fascists
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Set fire to their paper
Then throw water on them and punch them in their face in your 'startled attempt to put out the fire'.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)

You should talk loudly on the phone about how newspaper ink
gave you gyppo cancer.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)

This is better than mine

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I enjoyed the concentrated facial violence in yours

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 May 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Public transport is shit beacause the public are shit.

(Cave Duck, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Pea Roast
But fitting.


( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Make more of these.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 18 May 2010, 11:08, Reply)

Eh, effort
Severe writer's block.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 18 May 2010, 11:10, Reply)

Great!

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 18 May 2010, 11:11, Reply)