Woe, woe and thrice woe.
Oh fucking dear. I’ve been having trouble with my boiler (not that one, she’s fine) and after many visits it is now fixed. Unfortunately one of the external valves needs replacing as the pressure just continues to rise. Bloke came this morning, got halfway through the job and decided he couldn’t finish as the access was too tight. I told him to go and do some other jobs while I sorted out the access problem and for him to return at 3pm. Just after he had gone I noticed a dripping in the kitchen, at the back of the sink unit. Access there isn’t just difficult, it’s impossible. Another downside is that kitchen leaks spread along the floorboards into the dining room where the carpet is only a year old. Panic. Ripped out sink unit, disconnected plumbing and had a minor flood after all. Now I need to re-model the kitchen. As the site says, fuck my life. Not really, it’s fixable and just brought the time line for kitchen work forward. But still. Bollox.

What have you fucked up lately?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:28, 82 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your mum

( broadsword, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:37, Reply)

It's a tough job but someone has to do it.
Thanks for your selfless generosity. Saves me the effort.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

The drains are probably blocked with all that semen you have been squirting down them in your idol moments.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

"Cock Idol"

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Spunky chunks!

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:58, Reply)

Ah, the joys of home ownership
your house and everything inside is slowly falling apart, your garden is trying to revert to woodland.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

I reversed my car
into a metal pole at the weekend and put a lovely series of gouges and scrapes in the bumper.

I wasn't best pleased.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I read "reversed my car" as some sort of modification where you put everything in the car backwards....
.... like so the front is the back, and the back is the front and thought "Holy fuck, that's cool, you can then go the other way, like a train !", and then I realised that all cars can go backwards anyway.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Ahah-hah-hah-hardy-hah-hah-hah, o dear me, hah-hah-hah.
erm, I'm so sorry to hear of your misfortune old son.

Hahhah-hah-hardy-hah-hah-hah, slap me someone.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

*SLAP*
Fucking hard. Cunt.

Not really. I'm maintaining a bit of chill at the moment.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

That's because your heating won't work

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

The heating is brilliant now.
It's the rest of it's fucked.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Boilers/schmoilers
or, more specifically, expansion vessel/schmexpansion vessel. It looks like we'll have to be replacing the our boiler which is about six years old. They don't make them like they used to.
(Cave Duck, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

SIX??!!
I thought boilers should last at least 10 years, my combi-boiler is 13 years old and has to be threatened with a hammer during the winter.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:03, Reply)

It might just be seven, but it's still pretty poor.
and has meant that I've been doing a lot boiler browsing recently.
What do you think?
Broag-Remeha Avanta 28C



Baxi Duotec HE 28


I know that the Baxi was CORGI Boiler Of The Year 2008 and has the better flow rate, but, reclining at that coquettish angle under that lighting, you've got to admit that the Broag is damn sexy.
(Cave Duck, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:35, Reply)

You've just referred to a boiler - A BOILER - as damn sexy
I am revoking your right to own a penis
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:41, Reply)

I don't think that you're paying enough attention to the intonation of my typing.

(Cave Duck, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:43, Reply)

I don't think you can possibly get yourself out of this hole, no matter how damn sexy your spade

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Sexist AND racist!

(Cave Duck, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:47, Reply)

Oh well played

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Phwoar! Nice boiler!
I have a Vailant, which is supposed to be one of the best makes (supposed)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

I know it sometimes seems like the whole world, including your boiler, has given up on you, but please take heart...
... that there are plenty out there that hasn't given up on you, most of all, yourself. Don't lose the hope and keep the faith.

Before you do anything stupid, please consider all those that would miss you.

xxx
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

I preferred your other meme
"Oh man, you're totally screwed..."
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

I've lost a very important document
I've just realized. I'm shit scared :(
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Home or work?
If work, check if techies have shadow copy on.

PS if you are anything like me you'll have moved it to somewhere daft.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Work
Handwritten coments on the document by the client. Not even a photocopy. I've looked everywhere, but I know I haven't binned it. Maybe my boss has it, but I dare to ask.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:28, Reply)

OPen with
"Have your still got the xxxxx document?"
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

Dear St Anthony, please come down
Something is lost and cannot be found

(Say it three times picturing the document)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

...and he'll step out of the mirror and gut you with his hook-hand.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Oops!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

I don't think she ate it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Are you sure?
the Spanish do some weird shit for entertainment
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

They also pioneered the idea of a nap in the middle of the day
Which would suit me just fine right now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:22, Reply)

My god, you're right!
Just call me "Jose" *Dances around sombrero*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Aberracion will now tell you why that stereotype is inaccurate

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

Shall I?
I cliked reply and then though, oh, well, let him being wrong, he's happy.

(Sombrero, in the way you use it, and that dance around it, is Mexican, not Spanish. However, they still have naps as we do, so well, yes, I imagine you can still use it)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

It was meant to be a prediction rather than an imperative
Thank you for proving me right!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

I know...it was all just for comic effect
because yes, I am THAT funny
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Oh, sorry
Hahaha! That's funny!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:42, Reply)

Have you found your document yet?
have you tried down the back of the sofa? Because that's where I lose stuff.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:45, Reply)

I haven't found it
and I have no sofa here. I can't believe I lost it... I don't know what I'm going to do.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:59, Reply)

Having just got back from Spain I can tell you
that they also have an odd penchant for deadlocked mullets
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:23, Reply)

What's a deadlocked mullet?
Presumably a fish dish which can't be moved from its position on the plate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:25, Reply)

dReadlocked, I was distracted by work
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

I hate it when that happens

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:28, Reply)

I like my idea better

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

Emile Heskey is St Anthony?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:42, Reply)

We pray to Saint Pancracio
You offer him parsley and tell him that if he doesn't help you, you'll tie a rope around his balls.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

REALLY???
We wouldn't dare make threats to saints.
I'm assuming that's St. Pancras in English.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Oh, yes, St Pancras
Yes, we do. You only offer the parsley if he's found the thing for you, otherwise, nothing, or you tie him with a rope. In theory, it's a St you have to treat really badly for him to do you favours.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

kinky bastard

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:40, Reply)

He's got a name for being lazy
So the only way you get his help is by threatening him.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:44, Reply)

That's exactly what I was thinking
And maybe he's NOT kinky, so he deliberately won't find it as revenge for you threatening his knackers.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:45, Reply)

Waaaaaah
My name is porkylips, I can't write decent paragraphs and I broke my boiler.
If only the internet will give me sympathy.

Waaaaaahh
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:50, Reply)

shut up you beardy twat

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Pffffft
I like this
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Goddammit
I just accidentally clicked 'I like this' on my own post. Duuuh.

...and you, you beard-faced fuck, how dare you not get all UPSET ONLINE at my attempt to wind you up last week. You fucker, I had contingency plans in place and everything
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

I don't get upset by things
and let's face it, I was being a bit of a cunt

what were the contingency plans? you've piqued my curiosity now.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Oh, you'll have to wait and see
but let's just say that it was going to be so out of order, I reckon I probably could have got your back up.
Maybe I'll post it later tonight, I don't have the files on me.

You weren't being that much of a cunt, you bloody woman
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

that's why I said a bit of a cunt
that'd have to pretty out of order. but I know you have it in you.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:08, Reply)

Alright
but promise you won't cry, ok? It is a toned-down version of what I originally had in mind, but I will post later
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:18, Reply)

I can't promise not to cry I'm afraid
you might hit upon my weakness.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

I know my misfortune will make someone else happy.
So I share. I'm like that.

And at least I write sufficient to require paragraphs you paragraphically challenged simian. Shame it's boring though.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:53, Reply)

It is that
and your misfortune has made me happy, right now I'm celebrating with a packet of mini cheddars
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:55, Reply)

I hope they are better than the hula hoops I just ate.
salty as fuck
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

They are very nice
Did you put them all on your fingers, and then bite them and accidentally hurt your fingers, but then carry on biting them off your fingers anyway?

I love doing that
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

the salt makes my cuticle wounds sting
waaaaah
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:03, Reply)

Awww.....
You have cute-ickle wounds?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:04, Reply)

haha yes, yes I do
I have tiny hands.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:06, Reply)

I'd like to see your
cute ickle wound
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:11, Reply)

it is ickle
don't listen to Larry Vest.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Mini cheddars are fantastic!
And only £3.98 for 36 bags at Asda.

Are they normal cheddars or one of those newfangled "flavours"?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

You pikey fatty

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:58, Reply)

And your point is?
I take no insult from that.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:03, Reply)

See below, Bert sums it up quite nicely

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:08, Reply)

POVVO
You shop at SADSA.

They're the normal ones, I got the new flavours a while back, but they were all a bit underwhelming
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:58, Reply)

I'm a pensioner now.
Got to conserve the funds you know. And I only shop (slowly) when it's busy.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:02, Reply)

You should be horsewhipped and branded
you dirty, proletariat scum
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:03, Reply)

Ha Ha.
Back to work. Up the rigging you monkey.

I'll go back to lounging in the garden with a Pimms and some doritos while deciding which local craftsmen will avail himself of my largesse.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)

You are livin' la vida loca

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:10, Reply)

You'll never be be a big cheese with Mini Cheddars Bert, remember that.

(Cave Duck, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Pffft

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:58, Reply)