And now, the end is near... and so I face the final accusation of bumdering
Morning all. Today is my last day in my current job, with its lengthy downtimes and lax internet security. As my new job is considerably better-paid, it stands to reason that they might want a notably higher level of professionalism from me, so I have no idea how much use I'll get out of B3ta from now on. I could be wrong, and I might get your hopes up today only to reappear next week, but just in case, I thought it only fair to let you darken my door with one final volley brickbats and bumming references.

Also, I've just written what may be my last ever QOTW answer, which is probably my most disgusting to date. I'm quite proud of it. If everyone could click on it so as to give me a first-ever "most popular" rating later today, that would just make my millennium.
b3ta.turb0t.net/questions/unfinishedbusiness/post772784
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:05, 93 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Mornin!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Mornin'!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Mornin'!

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Mornin'!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:13, Reply)

*sings* Good morning', good mornin'! We've danced the whole night through, good mornin', good mornin' to you.
I thought Darth would appreciate a gay musical number.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:16, Reply)

*tapdances*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:18, Reply)

*electric-boogaloos*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:20, Reply)

*funky gibbons*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:21, Reply)

*pogos*

( girlinthehole, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:34, Reply)

*foxtrots*
obviously
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:41, Reply)

*jazz hands*
...too late?
(berk, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:41, Reply)

we're all going to look like we just got off the special bus

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:42, Reply)

You mean to say
you didn't? *pulls special face*
(berk, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I am pretty speshul
murrrrrrrrrr
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

*claps*
*misses*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:52, Reply)

haha
officesmirk
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

I suppose it does me no favours to have been singing that in my head as I read it

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:20, Reply)

you're not the only one
don't worry
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:22, Reply)

In my defence
I think I only know if off an advert
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I can't think what it is from, so I assume I only know it from an advert
or from either the simpsons or family guy
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Ditto
Christ we have a lot in common
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

'Singing in the Rain'.
But you were joking, right?
Gene Kelly - tightest arse in Hollywood six years running.
Donny O'Connor - smuggest face in Hollywood, etc.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:25, Reply)

If you don't mind, I really don't want to "darken your door"
I look forward to your normally succesful attempts to be called a big gay bumder with a hot wife, resuming soon.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:08, Reply)

That's awfully nice of you, sir
I certainly hope to continue spending an inordinate amount of time pissing about on here with you miscreants
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Oh, I'll miss you
Or so I thought before I read your post in QOTW. Disgusting.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:12, Reply)

I'm sorry to have disappointed you
Genuinely I am. It is disgusting, isn't it. Absolutely vile. Quite well-written though, I thought
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:14, Reply)

I had a different idea about you
I thought you were a proper gentleman. Did you think of the guy/woman having to clean it after you? Did you go back with a plastic bag and a spade and put it on the bin?

Ay...

But yes, well written.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Generally speaking I am quite gentlemanly
just not when I really need a shit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Well, I'm not going to take too many points from you
Because I know you are very nice and that. But the fact that you didn't think of the person having to clean after you really mortifies me.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I am a bit appalled at myself now actually

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Well, it's ok
Just remember the next time.

And good luck with the new job!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:32, Reply)

haha excellent scolding there Aber

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I'll be a good mum, won't I?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

You have news to share?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Not yet
but keep watching this space.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:27, Reply)

HaHa.
Aberracion, you're shaming B3ta internet Mom.

Be afraid, she WILL make you care.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:32, Reply)

And she WILL be right
Enough of bad manners now!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Hang about
How old are you? I refuse to believe you're old enough to be my Mum. Or are even older than me at all
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:36, Reply)

30 years 5 months and 15 days
I'm old enought to be the mother of a teenager.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:38, Reply)

31 years and 10 months (tomorrow)
Sit down
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:42, Reply)

ha you won't be able to hear those Mosquito loitering prevention devices
but I can!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I'm absolutely gutted
how the fuck are those things going to work? When you turn 26 you just arbitrarily stop hearing it?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Eh, I'm 28
And I can still hear them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:57, Reply)

there are a lot of us 28 year olds on here

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:08, Reply)

That's TWO...

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

al and bert are also 28
I'm certain there are others
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I'll put both hands up.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Does that mean you're 56?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:28, Reply)

plus, my dear, plus.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:37, Reply)

You sound much younger than that

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:41, Reply)

28?
Really?
(berk, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I have no idea.
I haven't heard one for ages, so maybe I'm now too old.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I'm 22
And the one at Sainsburys near mine is on 24/7, and annoys the piss out of me!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Grrr
Ok, ok, you win this battle, but I'm still winning the war
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:44, Reply)

It's not the age it's the attitude.
She sounds so disapproving and disappointed. That's Mom material right there.
Make sure she never catches you with an apple pie.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I'm hungry.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Me too
I won't tell you off for eating apple pie. I'm awful at controlling myself when I'm hungry.

I have no food, I have no money, and it's not even 10am and I'm starving.

I can't miss the fruit trolley at 10:30!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I notice your sig still doesn't say "Internet Mom"
sort it out
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Happy?
It's my first one, you should be proud you got me to have one.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I like this

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I like yours too
But then, how can you be chatting with DF?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Cheeky
It says deflects, not repels
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Yes, sir
Sorry, lost in translation :)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:12, Reply)

You have a fruit trolley?
Lucky thing.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

It's just Darth sat on a skateboard

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Hahaha!
It's good my boss is not here today :))
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

We get 30 pieces for an office of 300
In the name of Health and Safety (??), so yes, we get fruit, only one piece and only if you're quick enough.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Perfect
I just got the CAD guy to let me know when the fruit arrives to the office! I might have a banana today :)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Eating?
Who said anything about eating?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:13, Reply)

What else would you do with an apple pie?
You dirty, dirty.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:20, Reply)

clearly you've never seen the American Pie movies..

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I tried to watch the first
But I found it too stupid and had to leave it unfinished.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:26, Reply)

the other ones are more stupid

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Thank you
I won't bother then.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:48, Reply)

But it's warm and squishy and oh so amenable.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Is it better than your wife?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Nah,
But I need a hobby and so far this is winning.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I'm glad you have something useful to do with your free time
I wouldn't want to know you're just walking around the town, telling youngsters to be quiet and respectful.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:04, Reply)

Mr. Kettle
please meet Ms Pott.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Ha!
Nice one Larry
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:02, Reply)

GET (push).BACK (push).IN (push).THE (push).DAMN (push).CLOSET (push).
FFS I thought you'd never go. Good job that closet has an arse shaped cut out so you can continue with your bumdering ways.



Sorry, this is the first time I've homophobed you. Hope I did it properly.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:19, Reply)

*applauds*
You did indeed sir. Points for creativity and originality. 8 out of 10
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:21, Reply)

PS Good luck in the new job.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Oh, yeah, that
Cheers. Are you still looking to regain employment?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:25, Reply)

God no!
That was a momentary lapse of judgement on my behalf. A quick self-slap and i'm fine.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Oh thank Christ
Just tell PL Jnr to rob a bank or something
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Nah.
My plan is to survive my wife then become a geriatric hitman and bankrobber.
I want to be known as The Silver Slasher due to my signature of pissing on my victims bodies.
That's why I'm being very careful with my DNA. Posh wanks and well washed undies for me.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:41, Reply)

^POTD^
I know it's early, but the bar has been set
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Ok, bye bye, see you later, no YOU hang up !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:27, Reply)

OK!
*click*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I love that from Mark
I hate hunging up, but I hate as well hours of nonsense on the phone, so (unless he wants to tease me), he knows he's hunging up and does so quickly.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:30, Reply)

me and Wiggy barely talk on the phone
we're both rubbish at it. He'll ring and I'll go "yeah?" and he'll say what he wants to and then I'll say "Ok bye" and hang up straight away. We don't ring 'just for a chat' because there are always really long bits of silence.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Ms Foxtrot's the same with texts
Her texts are always proper businesslike. Straight to the point with no hello's, goodbye's or how-are-you's. If I didn't know her I'd think she didn't like me.

Um...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Hahaha!
I do the same. But I rather call than text. Texting takes too long. I prefer a quick call, say what I have to say, and bye.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:54, Reply)

I'm the same with emails
unless they are formal. one of my mates got a bit arsey about it one day, but the way I see it, it's basically like having a conversation, with someone who isn't there and has to communicate by text.

I don't feel the need for loads of meaningless pleasantries with every conversation with my mates in person so no need via email either.

typically my mate carl will phone me or vice versa and we'll answer with the most ridiculous insult we can think of.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Examples please

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

they are usually two or three words
so something like "twat rifle"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:12, Reply)

*paints target on cock*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I know her
She doesn't.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:15, Reply)

We do it when we're on assignments, living in different places
and the conversation can be very long, both of us telling each other what we've done and what we're doing, and planning for the weekend and all that. But at the end, when we both are tired of talking, we just say buy and he hungs. That's it. Quick and easy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Darkening your door, eh?
Is that what your 'anal noiring' sig was all about?
(berk, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Officelol
Well played. Excellent memory for details
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Well, whilst I've the chance
*clears throat*
*shuffles dead horse into place*
*finds whip*
*deep breath*

++BUMDER ALERT. WE HAVE REPORTS OF A BUMDER IN THE AREA. THIS BUMDER IS A STEALTHY OLD BUGGER, EXCUSE THE PUN, OPERATING UNDER THE COVER OF A STRAIGHT MAN BY REGULARLY MENTIONING HIS HOT MISSUS. (TO BE FAIR, SHE IS RATHER HOT. ALMOST TOO HOT, IF YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A MALE WHO CAN DANCE WELL AND IS LIABLE TO MENTION THE EYE-WATERINGLY CAMP TELEVISION SERIAL GLEE AT THE DROP OF A HAT OR PAIR OF TROUSERS, AND WHOSE INITIALS COULD POTENTIALLY STAND FOR "MASSIVE BUMDER." THIS IS THE BUMDER. HE IS A BUMDER. ALL THOSE IN POSSESSION OF A POSTERIOR ARE ADVISED TO PRESS IT FIRMLY AGAINST A SOLID BRICK WALL, FIRM FLOOR OR POSSIBLY A METAL FILING CABINET IF THAT'S ALL THAT'S AVAILABLE. THOSE WHO ARE REQUIRED TO MOVE AROUND TO COMPLETE ESSENTIAL TASKS WILL PRESENTLY BE ISSUED WITH A PAIR OF REINFORCED CAST-IRON PANTALOONS; THE DISCOMFORT YOU WILL FEEL FROM WALKING IN THESE WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE DISCOMFORT YOU WILL FEEL FOR WEEKS ON END AFTERWARDS IF THE BUMDER IS ALLOWED TO VISIT HIS DEVIOUS BUMDERISMS UPON YOU. (TRUST ME, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR A MONTH.) BUMDER ALERT. BUMDER ALERT. HE'S STILL HERE, SOMEWHERE, AND HE'S STILL A BUMDER. BUMDER ALERT. FOR GOD'S SAKE KEEP AN EYE OUT ELSE HE'LL BE KEEPING A JAP'S EYE OUT FOR YOUR THIRD ONE. BUMDER ALERT.++
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:23, Reply)

I am actually going to miss this
Tears of laughter. Genuinely. You must get on Facebook, friend me and post such things on my wall
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I shall miss having you to abuse
Unfortunately, there are various reasons why, as a matter of pride if nothing else, I shall never join Facebook. I shall simply have to find other closet bumders to abuse over the course of the day, and then hunt you down in the evenings to hound you out of the closet.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Gaz me every once in a while so I don't forget my place
"Just logging on to B3ta to see if The Supreme Crow's abused me today, dear!"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)