Hmmm, so I've posted a little
We know Bertwhatshisname hates me - is that 'cos I'm a noob or 'cos he can't "bumder" me? Anyway, fuck him. Here's my first post!

So, here's a witty and interesting post:

At work today, one of our managers (who reports to me) announced she was taking maternity leave - before she told me. This was met with snorts of laughter. She always goes on about her lack of sex life, and how she can never have children due to childhood issues with her....female organs.....when questioned upon her announcement, she proceeded to tell me that she was having surgery and would be out of action for a few days.
Protocol doesn't let me ask for specifics on surgery, but she does need a doctors notice that she'll be out of the office for more than a week. The doctor faxed me back with excriatinly details of said employee's upcoming pap smear......(routine test).....

Alt Q: What idiocy have you come across in the workplace?
(nolongernuts, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:23, 100 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I don't really get the punch line,
but I do work with a guy who looks like the comic book guy from Simpsons, when he blows kisses on the phone to his wife I want to beat his face to a pulp and vomit on it.
He stupidly keeps doing it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:27, Reply)

maybe he's a real life troll
doing it to annoy you. In which case I love him.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:35, Reply)

You think about me far too much.
It's not healthy
(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:37, Reply)

that doesn't make sense.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:38, Reply)

maybe it'll help if you read it aloud following each word with your finger.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:40, Reply)

ROFL
Your logic in the previous comment is questionable. No, sorry, not questionable; retarded.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Stop trying to flirt with me,
you're not very good at it and you'll just make other users jealous.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Ahhh so that's what you think flirting is
that explains a lot.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Hahaha
Poor boy, he's going to find the hard way that he's been wrong all his life.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:59, Reply)

That was actually a good comeback,
but I lost interest in this 8 minutes before you got round to posting it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:59, Reply)

ahhh
"I can't think of a retort so I'll say I'm bored."

classic Chomp.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I was thinking exactly the same.

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:03, Reply)

last word

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Don't mind Bert
He barks a lot, but never bites.

Workplace idiocy is currently that I unplugged a network switch until we had a correct length cable, and made sure no-one was to touch it until I'd cut one. I come back an hour later to find they've found a tiny cable, and so had the switch dangling in mid air, being held up by wires.

I say had, because the daft fuckers had just dropped something rather heavy on top of it, fucking the ethernet sockets on the machine it's attached to. Cost of replacement? £400, due to it being a specialist machine, and requiring an engineer to come out and fit a new one.

Fucking retards.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:28, Reply)

You should have been quicker.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Couldn't find the crimping tool anywhere

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:37, Reply)

IT being disorganised and idle shocker.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Oh Noes!
It turned out that the Engineer had just seen the handle, and assumed it was one of his tools
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:52, Reply)

In other news, Ow!
Fuck, turns out the tool is pretty bastard sharp!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

If you're sweet with Bert
he's sweet with you in return. Not a bad boy at all, he just likes to say bad words.

I find stupid to have 3 engineers, one of the with 8 years experience, doing the same mechanical work for months, no intelligence or thinking involved at all, only sitting in front of your PC checking numbers.

I need to find a new job.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:32, Reply)

my colleague called in sick on Monday
despite the fact that she knows that I know she goes out on the lash on Sunday nights and gets really leathered. Her calling in sick means I'm the only one in the office to take the phone calls, faxes and people walking in off the street. This means I barely have time to make a coffee let alone eat lunch. She also knows how important both coffee and food are to me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Judging by Fat Kitty pic
I too know how important food is to you.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Just this morning Wiggy was predicting the day that I'm a fat blob on the sofa
screaming "MOAR CHEEZCAKE" at him. He then started stomping round the flat sumo-wrestler style shouting "KITTY SMASH".
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Hahaha he's awesome!
Did you cry and cut yourself...another slice of cheesecake?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:04, Reply)

This is you, aicmfp
www.moronail.net/img/989_sometimes_when_im_sad_i_like_to_cut_myself_emo
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

There's this complete tool
who thinks that 'excriatinly' is a word. Luckily I'm going to kill him after work tonight.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I wondered what the hell that was
but thought maybe it was a word I hadn't heard of so I didn't question it.

Mayhap excruciatingly?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I have a saw and a car
Road trip murder?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Why the hell not?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:46, Reply)

If your saw's as awesome as your car, I'm in.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Her saw's pretty average really

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

It's an awesome saw!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Seen better

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

It's SAWESOME!!!1111!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

I hate myself for laughing at that

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

the rest of us just hate you

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:05, Reply)

*cries*
I thought you were being nice to me now?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Winner.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

What time will you have finished disposing of the body?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Oh I'm just just going to leave the fucker in the car park.
Y'know, as a kind of warning to everyone else. I'll be done by 6pm tops.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Oooh cut off some skin for me, please.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Any preferences as to from where?
The face I'm keeping for mask-making purposes and I refuse to touch the groin - otherwise just place your order, I'll Fed-Ex it up to you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Oh, don't be unsporting
Get a thick pair of Marigolds and Fed-Ex Tuggers the bloke's spam javelin. It's got to be better than just receiving a picture of one by gaz.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I was hoping for the face too but OK.
It would make a lovely speed bump for my Scalextric.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:15, Reply)

And the scrotum will make an excellent crash barrier

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I'd save that for the postal collection...
...on my train set.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:24, Reply)

My old M.D.
kindly ordered 100 cases of 45 promotional folders, which was hugely expensive. This was about 2 years ago - we've used a single case since and now we're having to chuck the whole lot.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Not sure how that's an alt question
or was the question about Bert the original one?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

"Will the owner of the Black 4WD Lexus...
...who continually parks taking up two spaces please vow to never breed and continue your useless bloodline, and if possible go fucking kill yourself you arrogant, self-centred, socially inept cunt."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

I like this^
I don't have parking problems as I don't drive, but I do hate people who don't follow the rules, like this guy yesterday, driving on the bike lane, even when the road was empty and he had more than 1m on the other side. GRRRR
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Update.
I just printed my message amd posted it on his front window.
If that doesn't work it's gonna be 'scratchy time' tomorrow.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Nitromors is your friend.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:24, Reply)

That annoys me
Sometimes I wish I drove a knackered white van. I'd park it right up close to any twunt who did this sort of thing. Not touching the other car, not damaging it in any way, just making the point.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Please do this
And set up a webcam so that we can watch the selfish cuntrags try to open the driver's door and reverse out without scratching the delicate paintwork on their ever-so-fragile all-terrain vehicle.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Better still
Set up a small blister in the side of the van, such that if they ding the van ever so slightly on their way out, it will shoot an enormous bundle of brightly-coloured comedy rubber snakes at them, while a klaxon emerges from the top of the van playing the Marseilleise at embarrassingly loud volume and a flag flutters down onto the roof of their 'car' with "CUNT" written across it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:16, Reply)

*searches Autotrader for white van*
*rolls up sleeves*
*prepares for engineering work*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:20, Reply)

One of my bosses keeps saying "we'll discuss this offline" during meetings
And the other week, during the OT haiku thread, he brought a printout to me and asked "is this yours?". The timing was too perfect, so I quoted that scene from Fight Club. He obviously hasn't seen the film, and looks at me funny now.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Suggest you'd rather discuss it 'online':
specifically on here. I'll help.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:57, Reply)

OhmigodthatwassoboringI'mgoingtokillmyself
I have to give a presentation on satellite phones tomorrow, how the fuck do I stretch 'they're just like mobile phones, but with a bigger antenna' out to a 30 minute powerpoint lecture?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Fill it with buzzwords!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Throw in a danger wank at minute 13.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:57, Reply)

You can explain them how to use mobile phones
Probably most of them don't know.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:57, Reply)

If they don't know how to use a mobile phone they should be in some assisted care programme
I might just accidentally slip Hitlercock in as one of the slides
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

It'll be a good way to break the ice
Maybe some dead kittens too?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:03, Reply)

You could fill it with technical bollocks
Like the frequency bands used, digital compression methods, encryption, power, handshaking protocols etc. I don't know about satellite phones - maybe they use the same transmission protocols as standard GSM, but who cares? Rattle it all off anyway.

Their eyes will glaze over, and Hitlercock will be unnoticed.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:10, Reply)

just keep saying
Am I right? Eh? Eh?

and elbow them until they agree. Then spend the next 27 minutes arguing over who gets which Krispy Kreme donut.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Play songs with the word satellite in them.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

The best I can come up with right now is 'radar love'
Are there any songs with satellite in them?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:03, Reply)

www.google.co.uk/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4SUNC_enGB383GB383&q=satellite+songs+lyrics
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Oh, f**k you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Why?
I was helping you.

Unless you mean fucking me in a good way, in which case, thank you, I think.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:13, Reply)

It doesn't matter who I fuck
It always end badly
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Why have you put asterix instead of typing the full word?

( girlinthehole, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:14, Reply)

She's a delicate chiquita, and I didn't want to offend
Also, Family Guy reference
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Sleeping satellite, Satellite of love

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:06, Reply)

And...
"I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them, but they were only satellites
It's wrong to wish on space hardware
I wish, I wish you cared"
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Death via satellite
by TheSTART (has Aimee Echo, formerly from Human Waste Project and my teenage sexual fantasies)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:06, Reply)

There's one by ELO that springs to mind.
Here is the news.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Now I need to watch The Day Today

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Coming to you every hour, on the hour

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I have that feeling several times a day.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Dave Matthews band has got one.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:10, Reply)

A shit album?
Surely more than one.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Draw pictures!
Orbits and stuff. Extra marks if you can make them so suggestive someone does a snort.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

I won't be able to beat the Geo-synchronous CDC from the other day
and it's on the use of the phones themselves, rather than anything to do with the satellites
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:07, Reply)

ELO strikes again
Calling America.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

use lots of charts they don't understand & then talk them through them

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:05, Reply)

interpretative dance
should spin it out a bit
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Or just use the medium of mime.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Don't mind Bert, he purports to hate everyone
this is due to a knot in his semen release valve, which prohibits successful masturbation or release of fwap. You'd be pent up too.

Until recently I dealt with the general public all day. I'd have a harder time thinking of an example of workplace competence
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Tsk, tsk
I can't believe you wrote masturbation and fwap, young man. Don't forget who's watching you.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Oh, you so want me
Also, regardless of your position as Internet Mom, you're younger than me and therefore I see no reason to fear you, or indeed anyone else unless they can impose a sex ban
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I can impose a sex ban
And don't tell me you don't care, because I know it's not true.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Big Brother?

( girlinthehole, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I work with family.
I win the stress competition.
( girlinthehole, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:01, Reply)

It's bad form to not contribute to your own conversation Roger
DISCUSS THINGS WITH US! We need attention.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

To be fair,
I have just threatened to kill him and make a mask out of his skin. Maybe he's hiding.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:05, Reply)

MONTY.
Were you out and about in the Mile End area at about 8.40 this morning?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:24, Reply)

that's just the forum initiation
if he's done his lurking properly he will be prepared for this.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Isn't he rude?
He comes and asks a question and then doesn't reply back to us. I'm so dissapointed. I think we should start a new thread.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:05, Reply)