Oh fucking hell
One of the guys in my office has just bought his smoking hot Cantonese girlfriend in. Do you think I can get away with a crafty wank under the desk?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:45, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yeah, knock yourself out.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:46, Reply)

yourself one
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:04, Reply)

I knew someone would do that.
I expect better from you TTM
(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Depends
Have you been caught doing it before? If not you've probably got three go's before you get into trouble.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Start singing "I'm so lonely" from Team America
she'll love* it


*may be horribly offended
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:55, Reply)

if you get under the desk they're bound to notice.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:56, Reply)

does that mean it would be better to do it
on the desk?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:47, Reply)

men - you are all disgusting, every one of you
no woman would ever do - that - at work.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:09, Reply)

You know they would!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:10, Reply)

now come on, lady
don't make my eyes go shifty!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:12, Reply)

I can see you doing that shifty eye face from here
Now get off tinternet and have your holiday you fruitloop!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:13, Reply)

it is tropical thunderstorm weather today
and i have a masters deadline as soon as i get back, so i am locked in the bedroom for now. best holiday ever though, grenada is so gorgeous and the weather has been amazing until today... even i am brown!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:17, Reply)

You a paleface like me normally?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:19, Reply)

oh yes!
irish as you like
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:20, Reply)

I hope you've packed your high factor

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:21, Reply)

factor 30
which they now do as an oil, much to my albino glee, have you seen it?

still burnt like a bitch though. meanwhile my friend is already browner than some of the locals, it's most unfair. although on the plus side it has stopped EVERYONE from asking if we are sisters!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:24, Reply)

I do 50+

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:25, Reply)

but
dj is only half that age
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:26, Reply)

He's 30
I wouldn't go above 30, tbh.
Well maybe about 34, me being 32.
But I don't need to worry about that now I's bagged me a toyboy.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:28, Reply)

i've always had a no younger men rule
would you recommend breaking it??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:33, Reply)

What?
Does that mean King Dong didn't get to prove his claim?
( Kroney, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:41, Reply)

as if anyone calling himself that
would ever get to prove anything!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:43, Reply)

Deffo Ms Swipe
It helps if they're young but also mature when necessary.
Otherwise you're asking for a whole heap of trouble, like resistance to paying their share, arrogance, etc etc.
I had a fling with ONE older bloke, and he was the biggest most unreliable baby ever. You never can tell.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:56, Reply)

my toyboy
is 7 years younger

I think that makes me a pervert
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:49, Reply)

Whereas it makes ME wet!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:57, Reply)

oh yearh!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:59, Reply)

I'm like club med.
18 - 30 only please.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:43, Reply)

will this continue until you are, like
60?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:52, Reply)

Yep.
I'm already practising at being a cougar. Current project is two years younger than me.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:58, Reply)

it's a good start
does it mean you have to wear more leopard print clothing?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:00, Reply)

Being a cougar
With all its ups and downs, has served me well, overall.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:00, Reply)

we need a B3TA cougar club

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:04, Reply)

I'd join.
Someone make a badge.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:06, Reply)

ooo
I've not had a badge in my profile before.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:10, Reply)

Will this do you?

EDIT Stupid Paint won't let me change the image into a circle
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:18, Reply)

Fuckin ell Bert
Could you find a sexier cougar, or shop her neck out of it!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:20, Reply)

it was one of the first images that came up for a search of 'cougars'
the rest were mostly porn :(
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:21, Reply)

Fair dooz

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:27, Reply)

you made it the wrong proportions to
make into a circle, too.

I think it need more leopard print and gold shoes
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:39, Reply)

Nothing's EVER going to be good enough for you, is it?
*kills himself*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:55, Reply)

I'm working on it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 19:01, Reply)

Woohoo!
I still have a chance!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:53, Reply)

No.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:58, Reply)

harsh but fair

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:00, Reply)

your posts keep telling me no
but your body, your body's telling me yeeeeaaah
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:01, Reply)

*kicks bert in the nads*
Now what's my body telling you?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:06, Reply)

that you like it rough
*pants like a german shepherd*

EDIT Going to have to stop now, I feel like a dirty old man perving at a perfectly nice young lady.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:07, Reply)

I think this one'll take it, it's the best offer he's gonna get from 'round here.
And yeah', i'm _still_ a shade of green about that.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:10, Reply)

Go for it.
A cheeky through the pocket rub, and no one will notice.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:11, Reply)

Did you survive those steps in your lovely shoes hon?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:19, Reply)

No she's posting from beyond the grave.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:31, Reply)

WooooOOOOOooooOOOOOoooo
*floats*
*is see through*
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:39, Reply)

I did. AND getting off the train the other end.
I are v. proud.
Did spend the entire journey with my feet right up on top of the seat in front, with my knees in front of my face though.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:40, Reply)

Buongiorno Apples

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:21, Reply)

yassas rootles

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:38, Reply)

Hiya and that like

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:57, Reply)

A world
in which a man can't have a wank at his desk is a world I don't want to be a part of.
( Kroney, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:14, Reply)

You'll only give yourself away by your sobbing though.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:16, Reply)

the screaming of the Lord's Prayer won't help

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:21, Reply)

It always helps me.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:25, Reply)

Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom commmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOHHFUCKBITCHBITCHBITCHFUCKFUCKAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhheee...heeeee.hhheee..hurrrrrrrrr
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:27, Reply)

Oh man
I remember when you used to be funny.

Oh wait, no I don't.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:27, Reply)

Bert that is so hurtful.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:29, Reply)

sorry
hugs?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:44, Reply)

I thought you were a fairy?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:20, Reply)

Yes. Just don't put your gimp mask on.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:21, Reply)

Just do it. And if anyone objects, tell them it's a wrist strengthening exercise perscribed by your doctor.

(Cave Duck, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:27, Reply)

I don't know but I've just bought a sterling silver Hawkwind ring for £75 on Ebay.
EDIT It IS rather nice, though - and full price it was £90 so at least I made the chap an offer and saved £15...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Why the fuck did you do that.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:32, Reply)

I don't know.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:33, Reply)

Fool.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:33, Reply)

This tune is about me:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8YiXguHDLI
It's '(You Ain't Just A Fool) You's An Old Fool' by Spoonie Gee.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:36, Reply)

And this one too.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbwS9qcpi0k
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:38, Reply)

If I was bothered about people laughing at me I would
a) not dress like a 1970s roadie, and
b) not post on here...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:44, Reply)

I saw a Cantonese women once, true story, it was the summer of '97.
I remember 'cus that was a real hot year, I had just been out the back picking apples for Miss Pop's to bake into the gosh darn greatest apple pie I ever did see. You see, mister Hendison next door done had himself a mishap, he was out back painting the chicken coop when he had a trip or fall. It was compensation he required, so he rang up the best lawyer in the whole of greater Barnet, and oh boy, he got the best. The layer gone done and said a technical statement how his ladder wasn't fit for painting chicken coops, dispite the advertisment making wildchild claims about how it was the best ladder for painting chicken coops that money could buy. Well, Mister Hendison went to court over the issue, and you know what? He won that case, but that sure as hell didn't fix his broken leg. Misses Pops felt sorry for the fella, and I knew he always had an eye on her. I said "Don't go be making him them pies, them pies be the best pies I ever did taste, made me the happiest man the whole of greater london, if at least north of the thames and for a moment or soo", why, I didn't know that Misses Pops had a thing for old Mister Hendison myself, and oh boy, did she retaliate, she said "Now now Mister Pops, I gone done make him a pie, and there ain't be a thing you can do about, don't be goin' on with one of your crazy stories." so I said "Ahh Jee". Well, what could I do? Truth be told, she was the one who wore the trousers in this family, and that's just the way I liked it. Anyway, she gone done made the pie, and ahh shucks, that pie sure did smell sweet. She turned to me, and she said "You go and deliver this pie now, and go make your peace, prehaps he might even give you a slice, if just to try it." I laughed, I did, and I took the pie over. I knocked on the door twice, he said "Why Pops ! Come on in, is that a lovely apple pie your misses did done make me?", well, I'll tell you for nothing that I went on over and cut us both a slice. It was then I heard the scream, a guy like me ain't ever heard a scream like that, not even at the moving picture show, I was shocked to say the least. I said to old Mister Hendison "What in god blasses was that?", you'll have to excuse the blasformy there, but I was quite perturbed. He said to me, "That's miss Lang, I got her locked up in the basement, she's all tied up, you can have a go if you wish". So, I went down I did, and I saw here there, it was as clear as day, a Cantonese women (they're from the far east doncha' know, few miles out from croydon). I laughed to myself, and I said to Mister hendison "Hay, Mister Hendison, did you know there is a Cantonese women from the far east locked up in your basement, she sure does look in a bad way, there be blood on the floor", and sure as day, he said to me "Hell yeah', that's my women, gone done bought her from the polish folk". I laughed to myself and went back up stairs, that Mister Hendison sure is a strange bloke. We shared the apple pie and I went home to Miss's Pops, she asked me how the pie was, and I told her, clear as day, it was gone darn the nicest darnest thing I ever did try. To tell a short story long, I neglected to tell her the detail about the cantonese women.

Heh, I wonder what ever did happen to her?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:37, Reply)

shut up gonzo

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:39, Reply)

=(
Right, if someone speaks, you start on a new line....

- "Hello", james said, "how are you?", he had a gun in his hand and he was ready to kill
- "Hello, how are you?" james said with a gun in his hand, ready to kill.

That's fine. But what about if you want to say

- and then James said "Hello", as he pointed the gun in his hand ready to kill.

How does that last one work, what's the rules about paragrpahs with speach?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:49, Reply)

Gonz, that must have taken ages to type out.
Do you think anyone will read it?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:39, Reply)

I like to think that someone will, somewhere.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:50, Reply)

That's the spirit. Chin up and don't stop believing, as the cast of Glee would say.
Is there any pie left by the way?
(Cave Duck, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:57, Reply)

Ah gee ah shucks son, you don' wanna be eatin' no pie from '97 !
Even if it was the gosh darn greatest pie I ever did lay my eyes on.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:04, Reply)

Sorry gonz
I usually love your tales. But that really is the definition of tl:dr.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:41, Reply)

you're missing out
it's a beautiful, meandering tale of lost love and romance. I'd say it's at least on a par with Catcher in the Rye
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:45, Reply)

summarise
?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:51, Reply)

man sees cantonese girl
cantonese girl may be there to see mr henderson
cantonese girl is there to see mr henderson.

I found it quite moving
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:52, Reply)

beautiful

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:55, Reply)

ask Gonz if you can play the female protagonist
this thing has movie script written all over it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:56, Reply)

not sure I'd pass for cantonese
it's a shame, it sounds like a classic
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:57, Reply)

the wonders of make up these days will transform you
like Sean Connery in that Bond film.

The whole sub plot with the pie will keep them rolling in, I reckon it'll easily do £100,000,000 in its opening weekend
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:59, Reply)

Just don't let those Hollywood mogul types get their hands on it.
They'll want Tom Cruise to play the part of the pie, introduce a charming but wicked rival for Miss Pops' affections (played by somebody British) and have car chases and stuff (with the Cantonese girl being involved in the Tri-ads). The simple shining beauty of the story will be lost.
(Cave Duck, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:13, Reply)

I sometimes find reading hard too =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:50, Reply)

my eyes hurt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:44, Reply)

But your mind is inthralled by such a story?
Which kindda makes up for it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:50, Reply)

It's a fair trade-off, Gonz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 17:52, Reply)