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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I've booked my wedding venue and registrar and such todaytime to start voicing your objections.
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:53,
132 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
In before Kitty wails about loving you(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:54,
Reply)
I'm happywe have an arrangement. Bride number 1 will be removed beforehand and switched with bride number 2 (me). Bride number 1 will be shipped off to China.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:08,
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China?! That's a little harshAlso, won't the Father of the Bride be a little suspicious when his darling daughter thunders down the aisle, train barely covering the vast expanse of tough, leathery grey skin?
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:11,
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He'll be on the way to ChinaReplaced by a man in naval uniform who no one wants to mess with.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:20,
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(I know it's not naval)But: This man?
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:25,
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pretty much.he actually looks more like Captain Birdseye, but don't tell him.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:35,
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hard to say at the momentI imagine it will be much the same
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:55,
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will Jesus be annoyed that you are shunning his house?(
SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:55,
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only if someone blabs(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:55,
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are you going to run away with me at the last minute?(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:57,
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you may have to join the (short) queue(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:58,
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Are you in it?(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:15,
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you've got to be in it to win it(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:21,
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Think I'll passThanks though.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:22,
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There so many b3tan weddings going on at the moment, and I haven't had an invite to a single one !Fuck the lot of you then, I'm going to have my own wedding, and the only people who are invited is me, Cafe Girl (she doesn't know this yet (I got called into work today (hopefully tomorow !))) and Chompy.
I hope you're happy, you've lost out on the catoring contract now, there was going to be a table of _THREE_ of us, just think of the tips you could have gottten.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:59,
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I'm doing it like Racheal Stevens, not telling a single person until the last minute about dates and locations.Just make yourself free at any given moment from september to december.... just so Bert can't get a hold of where/when it is.
Well, you don't have to be free then, you ain't invited, I ain't been invited to your wedding, and fair's fair.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:08,
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if you don't do it tomorrowI'll drive to wherever the hell you live and ask every girl in every cafe out to spite you!
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SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:02,
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There's no point inviting you.I invited you to something once and you didn't even show up despite the fact that I bought a new tie.
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Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:05,
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I bet it was made of potato.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:11,
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Cock of the walk, king of the castle, I'm _THE_ dirty fucking rascal.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:12,
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Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:41,
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10th of September next yearwe need a long time to save up. Engineers don't get paid enough.
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:02,
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Fuck off!No croissants for six months and you'll be fine.
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thealternativefact, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:04,
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allow me to rephraseengineers don't get paid enough for me to be able to save significantly while still paying my enormous mortgage and keeping me in pot and pastries.
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:06,
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That's better.Dear me...you northerners don't half exaggerate.
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thealternativefact, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:09,
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We certainly don'tIt will be a sunny day, I've checked.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:07,
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If you had it a day lateryou could have a 9/11 10yr anniversary themed wedding. Twin tower cakes, an after dinner speech hastily recorded on voice mail and your first dance could be to "I'm leaving on a jet plane".
By which I mean congratulations, hope you have a great day.
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Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:09,
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I would find that rather amusing(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:13,
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This ^Twin cakes would be an entertaining idea, especially if it wasnt mentioned
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:16,
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If anybody knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony...Scream "ALLAH AKBAR" and declare Jihad on the western infidels now, or forever hold his peace...
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Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:16,
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HurrahWell done sir!
Its quite scary when they tell you they're going to fling around your marriage intentions to see if anyone kicks off!
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:04, Reply)
As far as I recallI turned around at that point and raised my eyebrow at everyone.
My memory may be flawed though, I was still shitting myself at that point...
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Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:06,
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You looked around.It was OK - you'd finished being sick.
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thealternativefact, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:11,
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Important Note:One of your friends might think it's hilarious to say 'I Object' at the point where they ask if there are any objections.
Make sure they don't - even if they make it clear after the fact that they were joking, the wedding has to be called off and an investigation needs to be done.
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Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:05,
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I will bear that in mindthanks :-)
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:06,
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At that point, a baby or child always makes a noise and everyone laughs and thinks it's cuteyet when I scream "SHE'S A SLAAAAAAG" I get hustled out of the church. Once again it's one rule for small children and another rule for the rest of us.
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Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:22,
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have you booked thebouncy castle yet?
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:06,
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that's the important bityou can have a first bounce instead of the slightly awkward first dance. My friends did it, it was very moving. Up and down and up and down
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:18,
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old uni friends of mine had their wedding the other weekhad first bounce on space hoppers. they are weird
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:22,
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Wiggy wants to choreograph a proper dance so it looks like we're going to do the romantic Frankenshufflebut then we break out into mad skillz dance moves.
I'm undecided.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:34,
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You have to have a dance-offLike in the Run DMC vs Jason Nevins "It's like that" video.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:41,
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what kind ofmad dance skillz? pole dancing, hip hop, ballet?
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:55,
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I knew some folks who did that too. Couldn't make the wedding but it looked fun, especially for people who can't dance!
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Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:34,
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Never mind the venue, registrar, etcHave you got the band booked for the reception?
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K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:06,
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we haven't. I've been giving it some thoughtmainly on who I can get who is good and owes me a favour :-)
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:07,
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my brother had dexys midnight runners for his bandI was ready to throw some bottles of piss when we were blessed with a power cut and two of the guys did an acoustic set which was ace.
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SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:09,
Reply)
Christ I hate them. Apart from 'Geno'.Even that goes wrong as soon as that bummer starts caterwauling.
cf ‘How Soon Is Now’ by The Smiths
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:24,
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Also:Our friends had this brillo thing called a funky photo booth:
www.funkyphotobooth.com/
For use with their guestbook. It was a lovely idea.
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Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:08,
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our friends are all too ugly for us to want photos of them :-)(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:14,
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"Fuck Ugly People will NOT be in Photographs"(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:22,
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they already know(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:22,
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You plan to herd them out of the way or just photoshop them out in the classic Communist "He was NEVER THERE, Comrade" style?
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Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:38,
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Just general objectionsor objections to your wedding?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:30,
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That is how I imagine a B3tan divorce to happen.
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Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:42,
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Is that Vipros getting smacked in the croissant hole?(
Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:49,
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Apparently the croissants weren't almond-y enough(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:50,
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general objections will be fine(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:45,
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Righto.I object to working for a living. I really do. A few generations back the idea would have been unthinkable (even for me as the second son) and I resent it hugely.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:47,
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I couldn't agree moreit's outrageous that we have to spend so much of our time working
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:49,
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ARGH!I just sent off an application for a job I REALLY want and fear I won't even get an interview for. EEK!
That's the kind of job I would never resent (at least for the first year or so)
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:51,
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There isn't a job on earth I actually want to do.When I was asked at school what I really wanted to do, my answer was (and still is) 'go on the Grand Tour'.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:58,
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i find without workI get all undirected and mopey. Then I spend hours on here and get to the end of each day feeling unfulfilled. Not that talking to people on here is essentially fulfilling..but...well..you know
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:00,
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I consider work a massive imposition and inconvenienceI'd far rather spend the day quaffing claret at my club.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:04,
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whereas I was born for workdown t'pit, m'lord
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:07,
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You'd better be tugging your forelock right now.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:09,
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and screaming the lord's prayer?(
Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:11,
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Why not?It's just a bit of harmless fun.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:12,
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Nicely whined by two idiots who spend all day on here.(
thealternativefact, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:52,
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That's called clawback.If I really do have to attend a fucking job, at the very least I feel obliged to spack around on here all day to redress the balance somewhat.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:57,
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sounds like a minor He-Man villain.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:59,
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It is the arch nemesis of all commission based sales people(
Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:07,
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if I was actually challenged a little more by my job then I might not spend so much time on here:-P
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:59,
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I shall overlook your rudeness on this occasion.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:06,
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only on this occasion though(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:14,
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I am prepared to be lenient for a first offence.But if she persists, so help me God I shall have her horsewhipped in the town square, as an example to other would-be miscreants.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:16,
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It's the only way you'll learn.Never did me any harm. Made me the man I am today*.
* a colossal deviant
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:21,
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You're getting soft in your dotageIf I were you, I would already be consulting the Marquis de Sade. His 120 Days of Sodom is an excellent guidebook for inventive punishments for persons with no manners.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:23, Reply)
I haven't actually read it, to my shame.TOO BUSY LIVING IT, YO.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:26,
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Superb read, laugh out loud funny as well that could be seen as a blueprint for modern day Internet nastiness.The image of someone fucking a goats nostril while it lapped his balls, is one that will stay with me for a long time.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:32, Reply)
I might get it from Amazon.I'm looking for an antique Mein Kampf as well.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:33,
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Go for it, you won't regret itGet that and Aleister Crowleys 'Diary of a Drug Fiend' with its ultra modern themes and issues and MASSIVE DRUG abuses.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:38, Reply)
Ever readThomas de Quincey's 'Confessions of an English Opium Eater'? It's rubbish - Robin Askwith's not even in it.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:45,
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No, I haven't fortunatelyI can only assume he was tryin to rip off 'The Beast' himself with a title like that.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:46, Reply)
Unlikely: he wrote it in 1821(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:47,
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Fair do'sThe Beast must have been doing the ripping off. No one was going to pull him up about it though.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:53, Reply)
Quick question:Who's been absent from here today?
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7948892/30-stone-women-cut-from-home.html
"They tried to get her to stand up but she fell over on the floor and wanted to go back to sleep."
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:19,
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"I rang the doctor, but he wouldn't come..."I wonder what excuse he gave?
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thealternativefact, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:22,
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^ NHS Direct in action RIGHT HERE.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:25,
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"You've made me picture your 30 stone wife""I won't be able to come for at least a week."
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:25,
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I bet she's got mushrooms growing under her tits.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:27,
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oh god oh godhave you seen that youtube video called "wanda's macaroni salad"? a woman who must weigh over 30 stone concocts a 7,000 calorie pasta dish (no way is it a salad) which includes an ENTIRE PINT of full-fat mayonnaise and an ENTIRE CUP of white sugar. i couldn't eat for ages [5 minutes] after watching that.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:29,
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it is literally the most disturbing thingshe is panting for breath with the sheer exertion of stirring pasta into mayonnaise. and who could eat sugary pasta anyway, whether they weighed 80lbs or 800lbs? urgh.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:38,
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Doesn't she use condensed milk as well,with tuna,
condensed milk....
...
...
with tuna.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:39, Reply)
The mind boggles.Growing up in Canada my father was routinely fed fruit jelly with tinned mixed veg in it, as a side dish to a main course. And grey mince that had been boiled (BOILED?) in water.
Repulsive.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:42,
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i don't remember tunai remember onions though. with condensed milk. and sugar.
wtf.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:42,
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My old boss (American)used to make an 'overnight salad' that consisted of cream, white sugar, iceberg lettuce, parmesan and peas.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:49,
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Condensed milk - terrible with tuna,but ooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay with bread.
(, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 16:25, Reply)
that just made me sadI think I still have a residue of empathy left. Clearly not spending enough time on here
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:35,
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There's nothing like a dignified exit from your houseand that was nothing like etc etc etc
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Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:54,
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