Crackhouse has just bought a new wedding dress
It replaces the one she bought for £15 on ebay which doesn't fit after her recent chest explosion.

She says that "it has sparkles". Should I still marry her?
( Captain V, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:35, 104 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You really need to ask?
YES, or I will.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:36, Reply)

Hell yeah!
You have more booby than you thought you were getting.
( girlinthehole, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:37, Reply)

^ this

(berk, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:38, Reply)

An irrefutable argument

( Captain V, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:41, Reply)

No*
I assume you don't sparkle. You will ruin the wedding theme.

*Real answer yes obviously
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:37, Reply)

The sparkles are wrong
I thought I was marrying a black hearted and cynical bitch. Instead I'm getting sparkles. WTF?!
( Captain V, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Black can have sparkles
black sparkly hearted cynical bitch. They're blood-diamonds or something
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:43, Reply)

hearted and cynical

I am shocked at this BLATANT RACISM.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Hack her tits off with a rusty breadknife.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:40, Reply)

you are Albert Fish
AICMFP
talking of Albert Fish can you suggest some other interesting mentallists to read about?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:41, Reply)

The Manson Family are hilarious.
Drugs, music, sex and celebrity killings.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:16, Reply)

I know a bit about them but had never heard of Fish.
It might be time to post his letters again!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:20, Reply)

Stick to the classics.
Try Ed Gein for his outstanding work in using heads as bedposts and saving the vaginas if his victims.
Or the funny-named John Wayne Gacy who was a killer clown.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:48, Reply)

JWG was excellent.
'The Russian Cannibal' wasn't half bad either.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:03, Reply)

There was an INCREDIBLE
Southern US woman from a wealthy plantation-owning family maybe 150 years ago, who did deranged experiments on her slaves including making a 'crab man' by cutting the legs off a chap and sewing his torso to another person. When the police finally raided the house some of her 'freaks' were still alive and begging to be put out of their misery.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Please link to this

( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Deirdre Agostini - Killer
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Purple links are never suspicious, oh no

( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:00, Reply)

Oh come on, it was worth a shot.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Inspired.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I am trying to find a page for you.
I was sent a link to a Wikipedia page on her but I'm fucked if I can find it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Not to worry, googling is giving me 0 resuts too
Thanks though :)
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)

You are thinking of Delphine LaLaurie
Here she is...
I love horses
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)

You romantic monty.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Tits are always brilliant
Sparkly tits are always better.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:41, Reply)

*slaps around the face*
What the hell's wrong with you?! You say she has MOAR BREASTS and you're questioning marrying her?!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Anyone would think the man
DIDN'T LIKE BREASTS.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:54, Reply)

:(((((((((((((((

( broadsword, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Man up, V!
You like breasts!
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Sparklers would be better.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:43, Reply)

What happens if you have triplets?
I mean, if you have one kid, that's great, there is a choice, left or right, that's fair enough, a bit like choosing between a window or asle seat on a plane.
If you have two, you still have a choice, but can swap them around for a bit of veriaty. Naturally, there should be some sort of understanding on who gets what most of the time, or swap each time, doesn't matter though.
BUT, if you have three kids, or more, what happens then?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:51, Reply)

You sell them
to buy non sparkly dresses
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:52, Reply)

I don't think it would be good to buy a cheap sparkly dress, you might end up looking like you've had an orgy in a glitter factory.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:53, Reply)

I reckon you could pull it off

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:00, Reply)

He is, right now.
He's thinking about himself in that dress.
Dirty slag.
( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:05, Reply)

CAN YOU ALL PLEASE STOP PICTURING ME COMPLETELY NAKED COVERED IN GLITTER WITH A WINK AND SMILE ON MY FACE.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:14, Reply)

*resists strikethrough*

( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Don't resist! Don't Resist!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:16, Reply)

Not the first time you've said that to her, aye, aye, AYE?
CAN WE ALL PLEASE STOP PICTURING AL DOING A JACKHAMMER ON AN CLENDRIX.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT HOLDING CLENDRIXS LEGS OVER MY SHOULDERS WHILE I FRANTICALLY THRUST MY GROIN AT HERS.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:18, Reply)

DO NOT THINK ABOUT AL'S TINY MICROPENIS AND HIS SOBBING OVER THE FACT HE'LL NEVER SATISFY A WOMAN

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I am thinking about what I'm having for tea and when I'm buying my new boots.

( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:22, Reply)

ooh new boots!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:22, Reply)

SOON!

( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:23, Reply)

YAY!!
What kind you getting? I saw some awesome boots the other day but they were expensive and i have minus money
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:23, Reply)

I don't want boots, but I also don't have any money.
Shall we make a "I have no money club" and not meet up as we can't afford the bus fare.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:25, Reply)

We can send each other pictures of us staying in watching TV

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:25, Reply)

but only be email
because MMS's are expensive.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:26, Reply)

And eating Tesco Value digestive biscuits
and pot noodles.

TGB, what's going on in your life at the moment, I fear I've missed some news. Are you leaving your job and moving to London to Live with Gonz?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)

No, what gave you that idea?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:28, Reply)

The post where you said you were quitting your job and moving to london.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:29, Reply)

I knew you read my posts really!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:30, Reply)

So are you actually moving to London?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:31, Reply)

Yes

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

With Gonz.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Today I just increased my overdraft, silly bank, why are they giving me so much money ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:26, Reply)

.... and by that, I mean, enough to get to job interviews and stuff, rather than exgravances such as, running water.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)

You've got running water? You posh git!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:28, Reply)

14 hole DMs
Probably black.
( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:33, Reply)

From that shop you probably shouldn't be allowed in?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Yes

( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:44, Reply)

I'M NOT IMAGINING CLENDRIX WEARING 14 HOLE DMs AND NOTHING ELSE

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I am

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:35, Reply)

I don't know what's real anymore!
When are you moving to London?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:39, Reply)

November timeish

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:40, Reply)

WOOOOOO!!!!!!
Where are you moving?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:41, Reply)

To the beverly hills of north London

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Are you going to sleep with Sexface?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Depends how drunk and lonely I get

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:53, Reply)

That'll be a yes then

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

*judges*

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Oh be quiet, you.

( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I think you'll find I am perfectly within my rights to be filled with bile and spite.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:23, Reply)

I wonder what DM stands for, probably some fetish sex term that I don't know about because I don't spend all day every day looking at more and more extream sex fetish websites.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Dirty Mudflaps.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

You see, I was thinking along those lines, like "Dick mouth" or whatever, but you wouldn't have the word 'hole' before it, and she wouldn't be wearing it.
C'mon Collective ! We can do it !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:58, Reply)

dado masochism
for people who like kinky DIY
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

I just made sushi using my rice cooker.
It's quite edible !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:16, Reply)

Have you got teh seaweed to wrap it and stuff
or have you done the ones with the rice patties and a butterfly prawn on top?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:18, Reply)

I got the lot, nori, vinegar, rice, crabsticks, special mayo.... the works !
I didn't cut it into different pieces though 'cus I don't have a sharp enough knife.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I saw a lovely
Sushi knife in a shop in Soho on Saturday, was £190.

Do want.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:10, Reply)

My flatmates who are moving out have a fucking amazing knife set, I'm really going to miss it when they move out.
It's a £500 kit she got heverly discounted.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:23, Reply)

thanks for that

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:15, Reply)

You should have a twighlight wedding.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:56, Reply)

So it was more of an alien birth than a standard delivery?

(Cave Duck, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:03, Reply)

You've changed.

( thealternativefact, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:06, Reply)

They all do
they say they won't.
But they do
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:08, Reply)

I haven't changed
I'm still a bastard who upsets his wife AND people online.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:13, Reply)

You've got less funny

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:14, Reply)

Your vagina's got bigger, but I don't feel the need to point it out do I?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:16, Reply)

See a few months ago
you would have come out with something more off the wall. I think marriage is sucking the fun out of you
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:18, Reply)

It's certainly not sucking anything else out of me.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Gutted.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:44, Reply)

I don't think this seats about twenty
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-11379322
(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:20, Reply)

This is very witty.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Are you implying that the plane is a bit like a chrysler from the B52 song Love Shack?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Yes, because it is on an Atlanta High------------------way.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:30, Reply)

on an Atlanta High------------------way really fucking shit and annoying.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Listen, Capt' V, I was wondering.
I know things are going really well for you two right now, and I'm pleased for you, but have you thought about the future a lot? I'm talking about the big day.

They say that a wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, all your friends and family there to see you in holy matromoni. Standing there, for all the world and his maker to see, saying "Thank you" for a potential life time of happyness. It's a sign that two people, even with your condition, can truely find happyness. I'm using your happyness for a benchmark myself, which although I know I will never reach, I hope I'll only fall a tiny bit short off; and I'm happy with that, anything on top would be a bonus.

On your big day, you'll need some entertainment to keep everyone happy. I don't know if you're aware, but I've got DJ Hero and Rockband. As a marital present from myself to two of my best friends in the whole world, myself and my best mates in the whole world Al, Clendrix and Tee Gee Bee (I've not confirmed this with them yet) would like to provide that entertainment for this occasion. We'll play any song on any of the disks, and any w'eve downloaded (we've got "Still Alive" from the game Portal), to mark this occasion. We are prepaired to do this for you at no cost, providing you'll provide refferances for any future gigs we might get. We would need some crash space, the sofa in your honeymoon suite would be plenty, we're not greedy. And maybe if we could be considered your guests and therefore put on the list for the free bar, that would be apprechated too. Don't worry, we won't let Clendrix get too drunk, what's that they say these days "Never cured, but always in remision" ? Something like that.

Anyway, I just thought I'd make this offer to you, if you're interested, hit me back.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:08, Reply)

I'm totally in favour of this.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:14, Reply)

Good man, if they other two ain't, we can take turns on DJ Hero.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:22, Reply)

I am totally in

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:51, Reply)

I just like 100 replies.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:51, Reply)

GLITTERY TITS FTW

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 18:20, Reply)