I made summer fruits crumble yesterday
EVEN THOUGH IT'S WINTER. Take that society.

Have you stuck it to the man recently?

Alt Q: Or are you sheeple?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:15, 128 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I bought a RETURN train ticket and got a lift home.
FUCK YOU First Great Western.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Haha excellent sticking there.
If I get a single from Manchester to Blackburn it's £7.80, while a return is £7.90. This annoys me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:18, Reply)

I got some packaging marked 'This is not a toy'...
...and used it as a tunnel for my son's scalextric.
*does 'devil hands'*
"Breakin' the law, breakin' the law..."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:21, Reply)

wow we really are rebels aren't we?
the last time I had a microwaveable meal I didn't let it stand for 1 minute.

The joke was on me though, I burnt my mouth.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:23, Reply)

silly Kitty.
I'm afraid I've not done anything rebellious while here. I'm too petrified of getting in trouble.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:24, Reply)

the tower of london
is the guantanamo of britain
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:27, Reply)

I know, I was welcomed home.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:28, Reply)

please will you try and make one of the Queen's guards smile
I want to know if the legend is true.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:28, Reply)

you mean the Beefeaters?
I did.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:30, Reply)

No the ones with bearskins
who stand silently and don't smile
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Oh, them. I'll give it a whirl.
I'll be my lovely and charming self.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:32, Reply)

You should go see them on 'Whip em out Wednesday'
After the gaurd changing, if you can make one of them smile they have to show you their penis.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I think I can survive without seeing their penis.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

but it's on the tour!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I'll demurely cough and look away.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:38, Reply)

In which case just pray it's not the palace's monthly "Helicopter Day"

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:39, Reply)

I don't know what this is but I suspect it's rude

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Imagine a helicopter
if the blades were made of penis
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:41, Reply)

that's horrific
sounds like a Japanese cartoon character
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Helicoki.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

worst mental picture ever....

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:00, Reply)

They don't smile at you
BECAUSE THEY HATE GAYS.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:33, Reply)

They might struggle to keep a straight face when they see the multitudinous chins adorning his corpulent form

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Oh come on
I'm not Lab
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:41, Reply)

They are more likely to turn puce with revulsion
and struggle to keep jets of military vomit from spraying out of their nostrils, than to laugh.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:41, Reply)

I always used to think puce meant grey, I think I was confusing it with pumice
MORE KITTY FACTS TOMORROW, STAY TUNED
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I judged a book by its cover.

(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:24, Reply)

Are you Martin Fry?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Me?
I go from one extreme to another.
(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Heaven's above!

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I shook a carbonated drink
Then opened it without waiting. Screw the man.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Did it spurt into your face??

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:27, Reply)

No, that was his penis.

(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:28, Reply)

and the penises of the
6 other guys he was at the party with
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:29, Reply)

What a slag.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

surely that's just being sensible though
I bet it went everywhere. I do that tapping thing on cans even though I know it makes sod all difference.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:29, Reply)

It was in a bottle
And it didn't go everywhere 'cause I'm not an idiot.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:32, Reply)

You keep your penis in a bottle?
Makes a change from a ship, I suppose.
(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:34, Reply)

The frankly worrying followup single from The Police

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Fuck The Police

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

and less of a connumdrum as to how they got it in there

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:37, Reply)

why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
because his wife died.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Hahahahha that's hilarious

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I've pedalled that one out so many times I'm surprised you haven't heard it before

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:43, Reply)

She expired affer Max Factor

(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

The tapping thing 100% definitely works.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:34, Reply)

fo srs?
I thought it was just bollocks
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

nah it's bollocks

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

I knew it!
Screw Monty and his lies
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I've dropped a full can of beer
dented one end of it quite badly, then tapped top and bottom quite hard and then opened the can without explosion.

HARD PROOF.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:39, Reply)

I require documented picture evidence of this
or at least a really badly hammed up reconstruction
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Let me try to explain it in a way you might understand...
Tapping on the top of a carbonated beverage can (or bottle) before opening it may help prevent the drink from exploding out of the can upon opening (although it might not be sufficient!). Sparkling or carbonated beverages contain carbon dioxide gas that is dissolved in the liquid by pressurizing the contents of the can. When the can is opened, the mixture depressurizes and the carbon dioxide comes out of solution, escaping as carbon dioxide gas. If there is liquid between the gas bubble and the outside of the can, then some of the liquid may be pushed out of the can with the bubble. The pressure gradient when the can is opened is greatest near the opening and the carbon dioxide at the top of the can escapes first.
If the can has been shaken, then the pressure differential inside the can during shaking will force some of the carbon dioxide out of solution to form bubbles. Some bubbles float to the top and some stick to the sides and bottom of the can. Given sufficient time, equilibrium will be achieved and the carbon dioxide will dissolve back into the beverage. If the can is opened immediately after shaking, it is likely that the beverage will spray all over the place, since some liquid from all parts of the can will be pushed ahead of escaping gas and out the can (hey, bubbles float to the top and these bubbles are under pressure too!). When the can is tapped before opening, bubbles adhering to the sides and bottom of the can may be jarred free. Assuming the can is upright, the bubbles, being lighter than the liquid, will float to the top of the can. Then when the can is opened, the bubbles are already near the opening, so they don't push through the beverage on their way out.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Theoretically, there is nothing wrong with this explanation
other than the fact that in reality it is utter bollocks.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:45, Reply)

how was that explaining it in a way that I might understand? Needs moar Kitty words.
also you totally copied and pasted that.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:52, Reply)

shake can leave bad gas on sides of can.
open can gas go boom. Spray kitty with sticky liquid.

Tap can make bad gas float to top of can.

Open can gas go boom but no sticky liquid cover kitty.

Kitty sad and go wank off commuters for 3.50 a go
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:56, Reply)

thanks for that end bit

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Here you go:
Don't tap = bubbles on sides and bottom = pushes liquid out of can
Tap = bubbles come off sides and bottom = doesn't push liquid out of can
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I still think you could all have shoehorned the words 'nommy drink' in there

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:58, Reply)

And as I said, that's brilliant except it doesn't actually happen like that

(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Well yes, I know
But she wanted a simplification of the crap that was said by Monty, so I gave her it. She's going to continue getting covered in nommy drinks anyway, 'cause I can't be bothered explaining it.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:00, Reply)

I don't usually drink fizzy drinks anyway
because the bubbles hurt my thwoat.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:02, Reply)

of course I did you Deacon.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:02, Reply)

you said 'let me explain it'
when really you should have said "let me rip off someone who has taken the time to explain it"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:03, Reply)

That was the joke, you blithering halfwit.


I thought of you the other day, during a conversation about sleepwalking. I have been unable to shake the term 'nomnambulist' ever since. This is neither a lie nor a joke, unfortunately.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Surely that's someone who sleepwalks and eats yummy things at teh same time?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:12, Reply)

I'm so glad I'm not one of those sleepwalkers who goes in the fridge in the early hours
sleeping is about the only time my stomach gets to have a break
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:25, Reply)

hahaha
I is in ur hed, takin over ur thorts
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:21, Reply)

Dropped can?
Beadle hands.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I haven't heard that for ages

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:53, Reply)

My mother has done that all her life.
She tried to instil it in me and I resolutely have refused.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Does that count as sticking it to the mam?

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I dunno, I guess it does!!

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:38, Reply)

With sellotape.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:33, Reply)

You've had a man stick it to you a few times lately, I'll wager.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:34, Reply)

With his own glue and all, it was quite impressive
And paid handsomely enough to numb the overbearing sense of shame and self-loathing.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

You've been made sticky by a man a few times lately, I'll wager.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

What, sellotape?
Crow doesn't strike me as the type to want or need a back, sack and crack...
I missed your reply in that other thread by the way, but thanks for your kind words - however if that were true I would be knee deep in men slavishly proferring their phone numbers and all sorts but I am sadly very much not.
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:41, Reply)

If you come and see Pulp with me next year I'll give you my phone number

(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Although you'll have to tell me your real name again
as being introduced to people as "berk" will probably be a bit offensive
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Haha, Amberl did that at Sonisphere
it's fine - I am a berk. And whilst I shall cheerfully take your number, it's generally unmarried men that I'm after...
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:48, Reply)

WARNING
By "Pulp" Al means that which comes from his "wood"
(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:48, Reply)

They probably assume you wouldn't be interested in them.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Because ugly girls don't like sex
OH NO HE DIDN'T!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Ha very ha
It's true though, only one man has given me his number recently and I fear his failure to actually contact me on it is placing him firmly in the 'knobhead' box.
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:51, Reply)

I wholeheartedly agree.
Is the 'knobhead box' to be found within the 'complete simpleton' drawer?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Possibly
although it's more likely me that's the complete simpleton for thinking he'd be interested in the first place.
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:12, Reply)

I was thinking more
'single, married, other, knobhead'
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:22, Reply)

Bur berk you said he gave you his number. He can only contact you if you gave him your number.
He's probably been desperately searching, hoping to find you, and placing personal ads and everything.
(Cave Duck, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:03, Reply)

*sigh*
pedant. Of course I gave him my number. He just doesn't bloody text me unless I text him first and I utterly refuse to do all the chasing.
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:09, Reply)

Wait
A man gave you his number, he hasn't contacted you on it and that's his fault?

Am I reading this right?

Edit: \notasacerbicasMonty blog
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:03, Reply)

Perhaps 'contact me using it'
would have been a better way of putting it.
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:08, Reply)

I thoroughly enjoyed my thanksgiving dinner, which made me feel like a sheeple.
Haven't really stuck it to the man at all recently.
after reading all the clever responses I feel a bit lame now
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Is it a ballache to try and get all the family together for Thanksgiving and then again for Christmas?
Or is one more important than the other?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:38, Reply)

thanksgiving is more immediate family, mum dad etc
christmas is everyone, but we all get together at my mums on christmas eve and have a summery type dinnery, then on christmas day we go to my aunts for turkey, stuffing, etc
and fruit salad, fuck yeah best part of christmas
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:59, Reply)

is thanksgiving a religious thing
or is it just about the indians/pilgrims thing? I know nothing of American history.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:04, Reply)

American colonists in the approach to winter
OH NO they're Puritans and can't farm or hunt because they all came from London. Indians thoughtfully bring nom noms to them to stop them dying. Yay Indians!

Next year, the colonists repay the favour by giving them smallpox-infested blankets and turn the whole sorry business into a national holiday.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:07, Reply)

I love how everyone is adopting the Kitty Explanations

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:22, Reply)

From Sickipedia.
Thanksgiving.

A time for Americans to give thanks to their forefathers for providing them with an excuse to eat Christmas dinner a month early.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:48, Reply)

I pissed around on the internet a lot
but filled in my timesheet as if I had been working.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:48, Reply)

careful
someone I know is about to be fired for pissing around on the internet.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Yeah, but you had a proper corporate setup
I work on my own in an office 100 mile from the main office and am on close personal terms with the MD, in fact I stay with him and his wife on an almost weekly basis and will be spending christmas with them.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:52, Reply)

that was my mistake
not sleeping with the boss and his wife.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I myself am on close personal terms with MDs.
It's a small world innit?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:01, Reply)

again, I know someone who's getting fired for that.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:04, Reply)

I just did a vanity search
I love you guys.

Except Labs who called me FAT.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:50, Reply)

I promise I'll scold him for that when I see him next.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:15, Reply)

No, but I've been eating a lot of cheesecake
More than someone of my stature should.

My tits actually got in the way of me playing pool (while not of Amberl proportions, they're a bit unwieldily) I blame the tits rather than the bottle of wine though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:05, Reply)

I hate it when tits get in the way of you playing pool
I should stop trying to play pool in bars where they film porn though.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:11, Reply)

If you're holding the cue correctly
the shaft should come down the middle of your chest, allowing you to flop a bap over it to starboard.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:12, Reply)

'Flop a bap'
You, sir, win ten internet points and one of my very finest clickages.
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:13, Reply)

So really, she should be imagining that the cue
is an erect johnson that she is gently sliding betwixt left and right shoulder boulder?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:14, Reply)

Titwanks are WEIRD and oh god I remember having this conversation with you before and I got a little disturbed

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Indeed
imagine the bridge being the tits in the titwank and the butt-end hand the scrotum and it fits perfectly.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:21, Reply)

The boy I was with was trying to teach me
I think I hit him with it several times.

I did pot one ball, though. My colour, and didn't hit the black. Made up for the 50% of times where I didn't hit the ball at all, 30% where I only hit the white, and the 19% where I hit either the other team's ball first or a different ball than the white.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:15, Reply)

Did you have a DP on the table afterwards?
Only I kind of assume that's what must happen when women play pool now.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Instead of going for the easy pink
he screwed back for the difficult brown etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:19, Reply)

I wish!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:28, Reply)

If he was trying to teach you by doing the leaning-over you thing
he was just trying to touch you up. Proper cueing action is taught via imitation, moving your arms for you and the accompanying discomfort.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:19, Reply)

I wouldn't have minded if he did >_>
But no, I think he showed me and told me what to do. No actual touching.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:27, Reply)

Men suck
no girl really wants to know how to play pool. They just want a sexy groping.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:29, Reply)

Men probably do indeed suck
in the nightclubs you attend.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:42, Reply)

You appear to have developed an unhealthy obsession
with my sexuality of late. I do hope you're not developing a crush on me, because I don't swing that way.

You raving great flouncing arse jouster.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:46, Reply)

I'm so rubbish at pool
I usually do that thing where I hit it but in such a way that it pathetically rolls about half an inch away
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:24, Reply)

I keep missing it. I line up, look at the angles and
BAM I fuck it up.

How are you, darling? S'been a while.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:28, Reply)

I'm ok
still waiting to find out if I've been fired or not, but I'm surviving by making desserts and eating them. How are you? How's london town?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:48, Reply)

I love pool, but I'm rubbish until I get a few flukey shots.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:44, Reply)

some of my pole girls have that problem
there are certain moves that can't be accomplished if you have more than ample boobage
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 17:23, Reply)

I've had some things through the post for free day tickets on the bus that allow you to take as many journeys as you like
normal price £4

I've been using them for my one way £2 a time journey

FUCK YOU STAGECOACH!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 18:44, Reply)