This type of thing


From a royalty-free image disc. Hands up who can conceive of any job that would call for a picture of a light bulb filled with orange juice. It might be mango juice, or even very cloudy piss, but even so.

C'mon. Seriously.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 5 May 2008, 15:40, 7 replies)

People
but more specifically, people who use some words (especially "technically") in the wrong context.

Also, bad statistics. I had an assignment at Uni recently about energy intake and expenditure, and so much of the data (especically for expenditure) was impossibly high or low, even if the subject was in a coma and weighed 15kilos.

Usually I would not mind so much, but we were told that data that had obviously been entered wrong had been removed.

Oh, and I hate people who think they have the right to do pretty much everything. This includes:

-Smoking where ever they want.

-To drive a car (especially old people like the 90 something year old lady who plowed into a group of cyclists near where i used to live)

Also..

-Idiot cyclists on the road. (I am a non-idiot cyclist)

-Drivers who pretty much ignore cyclists (I have literally been driven off the road before.)

-People making the same unoriginal jokes over and over again, especially if they think it is cool or funny (I get it, George Bush is dumb already)


Okay this started as one thing, I got a bit carried away. Really I like people.
(woo who?, Mon 5 May 2008, 15:37, Reply)

Currently
I am an angry person. Most things have the capacity to piss me off. But currently at the top of the list are a specific type of bloke.

I am a slim woman, but I'm bloody strong. I pay for dinner, I carry my own bags, in short, I make sure that there is no excuse not to be treated equally, unlike many women who demand their boyfriends walk them home and "treat them right" (pay for every fucking whim). This makes it all the more annoying when I am continually accosted by some smart arse asking to be shown my tits.

I have taken to shouting back recently, as it gives me some release from being made to feel like a cunt on legs. This is backfiring, as most of the time these men, who have deigned to pass uninvited comment on my appearance, are upset that the pretty lady might answer back.

On sat, some bloke whistled out of his car, so I started shouting things along the lines of "do i look like a fucking dog?" My boyfriend joined in. At this point three blokes got out the car, and started running towards us with a knife. We legged it.

I know that it's always funny to make jokes, and there a lot of women who need to stop acting like defenseless little girls. But I am sick and tired of being given the impression that I am not allowed to be anything other than a pretty little head. Fed up of every bloody garage I go into having naked photos of women on the wall, and the mechanics only telling my other half what the problem is with my car when I can fucking understand it, and being told that I will be offended by a joke that all the boys are in on. And I can't watch a film without every guy in the room all entering into discussion about when /lead actress/ will get her kit off when we still can't see an erection on TV, because guys find that disgusting.

Length?- About a 6 inch blade.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 5 May 2008, 15:14, 7 replies)

as a lacky working behind a bar...
... i feel i have quite a large quantity of anger towards my customers. so here goes.

(deep breath)

people who have been standing waiting at the bar for 5 minutes and when i come to serve them the conversation goes along these lines...

me: what can i get you sir?
brainless idiot: pint of tetleys please
me: i'm sorry we don't do tetleys will smiths do??
BI: what? no tetleys. yes smiths then?
(ffs you've been staring at the taps for five minutes - do you see tetleys?)
me: abything else?
BI:oi, sharon what are you having? - a smirnof ice please
me: ok, is that all?
BI: no, a strongbow for the lady.
me: is that all??
bi: dave will you have a guinness?? yes?? a guiness please
Me:


for heavens sake, you've all been standing there for at least 5 minutes, how can you not know what you want to drink by that point?? you are just holding up everyone else and me.

longer than i thought but very theraputic.
(33% longer is struggling to think of a witty comment for here, Mon 5 May 2008, 15:07, 2 replies)

Excel and the terminally dim
2 examples of telephone calls I received asking for help with Excel, both absolutely true:

Q: I'm trying to get an average of these figures in column F, but every time I click the Autosum button it just adds them up.
A: That's because it's the AutoSUM button, there is no AutoAverage button. Look at the formula and replace SUM with Average.
(response: Hey, that works!)

Q: I've got an error message saying that I need to complete missing data in column B. Where's column B?
A: Well, you might find it in between column A and column C.


Also, people who on seeing the message "Book1.xls is reserved by JugglerJAF. Enter the password for write access or open as Read Only" only read the first part of the message and automatically assume that it means that I'm in the file and then call me up to ask me to come out of it.

NO! It's password protected so you can't bollox it up. Just open it as Read Only.
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:51, Reply)

Oh and green Rizlas.
Specially made for those who can't skin up, and they taste of cardboard.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 5 May 2008, 14:45, 3 replies)

My local housing team at the council.
I'm about to buy my flat off them, and have found that they're asking for service charges of up to £5 GRAND a year. For a one bedroom flat. Even the Hilton Towers apartments only charge half of that, theyr'e new build and they have a gym and a glass bottomed bar on site, FFS.
Money grabbing, fuckwitted twats, the fucking lot of them. I'm tempted to set fire to one of them, so I can refuse to piss on them.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 5 May 2008, 14:42, Reply)

USA in country selection drop-down lists
Ordering stuff on the internet and selecting your country of residence from a drop-down list.

Why, oh why does "United States" have to be the first entry on the alphabetical list? I'm in the United Kingdom and have to scroll down to the end of the list to find my country. Americans should have to do the same.

Actually thinking about it, it's probably so that Americans can find United States in the list - it might be a bit taxing for them if they actually had to know the order of letters in the alphabet. Other Merkins may see United States but not realise that it's their country as many of them seem to think that their country is actually called "USA! USA! USA!"
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:41, 6 replies)

bastards that
say you cant post last
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:28, 1 reply)

"Last Post"
Now.. I got in a bit of a strop about this last week after discovering that the last 8 pages of answers were - in essence - taken up by a few people endlessly posting pointless posts that had nothing to do with the subject matter.

It ruins the pages, and renders the last few decent stories utterly pointless: few people are interested in reading the result of some snot-bubbled giggling social-'tards who find "hur hur I got the last post" to be amusing. Even worse; the main offenders have voted for bugger-all answers. They give *nothing* to the QOTW.

It has been an issue for some time now, but is now getting steadily worse.

The regulars know me well enough by now to know that "getting to the front page" isn't my goal. This - much like last week - is a vain attempt to get someone so sit up and listen.

Ready?

Sorry... I hate doing this, but ... you know... make yourselves heard.

*cough cough... testing testing...tap tap*

Register your desire to see the "Last post" bollocks eradicated by clicking "I like this"

If you - like me - wish to see the offenders strung up and publicly flogged, click the damned thing twice.

- That is all... really... sorry about the "if you wanna" etc crap...

*sigh*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 5 May 2008, 14:26, 7 replies)

Toys in cars
I realise I am probably in the minority here, but why is it that if you try to buy a car which has a half decent engine in it, you have to go to the upper trim levels? I don't want automatic lights and wipers, electric seats, satnav, cruise control and all that crap.

Call me a control freak if you like, but gadgetry like that does my head in. The safety features are fine - ABS, ESP and all - and I like my xenon headlights as I do so much night driving, but I think my brain is better qualified to do the mundane things.

And don't get me started on auto gearboxes...

/rant
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:24, 9 replies)

QOTW Question re-posts...
Rage.. Yes.

Impotent? .. No. I don't think so.

I hope that the results to last week's QOTW hammered the point home. I shall say nothing more on the subject until someone re-offends.

Love and cuddles,

Humpty.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 5 May 2008, 14:13, Reply)

People who don't recycle.
It's easy - paper, cardboard, plastic, metal, glass, old batteries, dud electrical equipment - they can all be recycled with a minimum of fuss and effort these days. Organic waste goes on the compost heap. My weekly waste amounts to a few fag-ends and some Dairy Milk wrappers these days (Cadbury, what was wrong with paper and foil?).

Yet I used to live with three people who couldn't even be bothered to separate out their empty cider cans, let alone rinse a plastic milk bottle and put it in the container that was RIGHT NEXT TO THE BIN. Now I've moved out, and they have a new housemate, no-one recycles anything at all.

The most common excuse I heard was "but the planet's fucked anyway, China power stations blah blah blah..." That may be true, but your rubbish ends up in landfill in the UK, so all you are effectively doing is filling our tiny island with shit. I've lived near landfill, it's fucking minging.

There's no excuse, none at all.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:05, 4 replies)

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!
You reach a point in life where the stupidity, dishonesty, selfishness and arrogance of other human beings ceases to annoy you. You expect it. You take it in your stride.

Having reached this point, it's come as a bit of a disappointment that I don't go Victor Meldrew over every little thing that should really piss me off.

This does not mean that my life is serene and filled with equanimity. Oh no.

For some inexplicable reason I find TV adverts get me grinding my teeth and shouting impotently at the box more and more. Some that really get that vein throbbing on my forehead:

1) That Orange advert with the inflatable animals... racoons? dolphins? the, er, other ones? What the fuck have they got to do with how you pay for their services? What links which animal with which talk plan? And why choose racoons, when they're not native to the UK? Also, I'm sick of hearing Sean Bean's voice telling me how great it is to be connected, and to have a zillion free SIM cards, when two would be one too many.

2) Can't remember the name of the product, but it's some kind of compost for the garden and is promoted as "100% chemical free". Which either means that inside each bag is a perfect vacuum, or that the advert guys mean something else, along the lines of "this is for all the fuckwits out there who think sciencey things and especially 'chemicals' are bad". You, me, grow-bags and Kentucky Fried Chicken are all made 100% of chemicals.

3) How stupid do you have to be to go for one of those consolidate-all-your-loans things? Every financial advice program on TV, the radio and the web tells you that they're a really bad idea, yet the adverts continue to roll out, from which we must deduce that a huge number of people are signing away their houses, firstborn and pension to pay for those adverts. Also, insurance companies and comparison sites, we know you're there. Thanks for letting us in on the secret; now fuck off and make room for adverts featuring cute fluffy animals.

4) Sainsburys ads with Jamie Oliver in them. I hate Jamie Oliver.

5) All those probiotic yoghurt ads. There are medical conditions where probiotics are called for, but you'd then get something on prescription. This is pure marketing bollocks - none of these products do anything useful. Ladies - (noticed how all the ads have ladies in them?) - if you're feeling bloated, try farting. It's cheaper and healthier than ponced-up yoghurt. And us blokes secretly love it when you squeak one out.

6) Any product trumpeting "added omega-3", (a) because you don't need it and (b) because it's mostly derived from vegetable sources, which is next to useless. It's the fishy stuff you want, guv, so have a kipper, some smoked mackerel, herring, or whatever. You'd have to consume a frightening amount of Fish Fingers to get a meaningful quantity of Omega-3 though.

7) That Kellogs Corn Flakes ad, where the guy's trolley has a wonky wheel and he crashes into the ditsy-looking chick's, their eyes meet, and... ...and meanwhile the packet of cornflakes and the pint of milk are getting it on... (notice the milk is in a glass bottle, in a supermarket - ????) and when they, er, come together in the bowl there's something ejaculatory (if that's a word) about the way the milk spurts, gushes and dribbles all over the flakes. This has put me right off cornflakes: I can't shift the mental image of someone jacking off into a bowl of crunchy goodness.

8) There seems to be a glut of car adverts where the things either fly apart into separate components, or the components fly towards some point and assemble themselves into a vehicle, or the cars turn into dust / water / flies / who knows what. Car companies: we get it! You've got decent advertising budgets and access to good CGI studios. But this has been done to death. Really.

9) It used to be that if an ad for a product had been produced in the USA and they re-used it for the UK, they would at least dub the dialogue into a British accent. Quite badly, but an effort was made. They seem to have stopped bothering. Two cases in point: (a) the CGI cartoony one for that monster Dodge? Chrysler? people-carrier - I don't know who these characters are, they're not part of our culture. And why have a squirrel operate the controls for the seats? And at least flip the image of the vehicle so the steering wheel is on the right - right as in correct and as in not left - side of the vehicle, you know, where the driver sits. And briefly (b) the new one for KFC. It's just a US advert... no concessions to it being shown in the UK.

10) The persistent depiction of white middle aged men as useless fuck-ups with the brains of a goldfish, the charisma of a slug and a sense of humour borrowed from my Dad. You'd never get away with it if they were female / black / Asian; although Oriental males do seem to get typecast as bonkers martial arts nuts. I'd love to see an advert featuring someone a bit like me (middle-aged, middle-class, slightly overweight white male) as someone you wouldn't automatically run away from.

And many more instances of annoying shit that I can do nothing about, but I need a lie down.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:00, 4 replies)

People who moan about house prices,
and their sodding "property portfolio", ie, 2 buy to let ratholes they're morgtaged up to the hilt with. They think by watching a Channel4 house programme that they're some sort of property guru. Well, you've made a killing over the past few years, and the price crash was seen to be coming for years.
Once houses were something you lived in, not something to brag about in the pub.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 5 May 2008, 13:52, 1 reply)

Here's a rant all us male computer geeks can identify with: Pron!
Why of why oh why when all you want is a quick knuckle shufty to empty the ballbags do they put such unneeded and irrelevant padding on it like long plot points, kissy huggy scenes, and then do that bloody thing where they keep the bit where they actually fuck till the very last fucking minute. It has like a 5 second moment when it's actually quite good, and then it's about as passionate as a mormon making babies for jesus as they go through that multi shot 'obviously added later when nobody cared anymore' routine of above, side and below, and none of it even matches, and most of it isn't actually involving any sex, just lots of gurning faces and noise, so you end up closing your eyes and making it up yourself like you should have done in the first place.

FFS, surely what every bloke, regardless of their individual sexual preferences, wants to see happen is people FUCKING!! Snogging, cuddling, chatting, the gawd-awful music and badly acted scenes about as convincing as Tom Cruise being in love with a woman again, it's all bollox isn't it? It's the 'director' trying to convince himself this all takes some skill and one day he'll be seen like Spielberg, well newsflash mister, no you won't, because you're a purveyor of durty filth, and you can't even manage to get that right, you useless fuckwit.

Here's a thought porn industry people, why not try sticking two or more of your finest mucky bastards into a room, preferably ones who actually find each other sexually attractive and have some tread left on the tyres, then set up a camera and get them to screw the arse off each other like they actually mean it while you film it.

End of shooting script.

That I might actually pay for!

*obligatory unconvincing retraction at the end* Not that I ever use it, obviously, I am in fact such a sex god I would never need it, but my friend, erm, Bob, he showed me some, and, erm, don't touch that towel!
( ..wil, Mon 5 May 2008, 13:33, 7 replies)

I am at work
its a gorgeous day outside and there is nothing, absolutely nothing going on here. so bored.

So obviously, I decided at lunchtime to wash my car using one of the mops used to clean the ladies loo (we have 3 working here, and unlike men im sure they don't feel the urge to urinate on the floor so don't think its exactly chronically overworked) and would you believe it, within 5 minutes of finishing . . .


. . . . . . .


. . . . . . .

It has not rained and a bird hasn't had a shit on it, remarkable!
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 5 May 2008, 13:28, Reply)

Gillian McKeith
"eat your greens because they contain chlorophyll which produces oxygen so that will oxygenate your blood" - did she not do gcse biology?
(09824739yhsidfhshfgq8weeq3e1, Mon 5 May 2008, 13:21, 7 replies)

People who bitch
about me moaning.
I'm god damn British its my birthright
to moan about everything and do absolutely
nothing about it.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Mon 5 May 2008, 13:20, Reply)

Supermarkets
I come from the UK but I now live in Holland. the local supermarket in the UK had 80 tills, if you were in a big Q they will kindly open a new till for you to pay. Easy, as it should be.

Holland : Supermarket has 8 tills. They have shelf stackers all over the place but think it OK to have a Q of 15 + people for each of the 2 open tills. I ask the manager why when the supermarket was designed they thought it needed 8 but manager thinks 2 is fine when the place is packed? What is the logic of haveing full shelves when people have no means (unless you wait half an hour) to exit the bastard place. He refused to open a till for me which was a shame as I was trying to help him. I waited a good ten minutes then fucked off leaving a very full trolley standing in the Q of death. So that's over 100 pound of food wasted, which would have paid for 2 more tills to be open ALL day. I continue to do this as you can't see the size of the Q until the end. I don't like it as i have to go and use another supermarket but what can i do ?
(amsterdam_neild, Mon 5 May 2008, 13:08, 2 replies)

Mis-spelled words
Use a bloody dictionary you l33t speaking fuckwits!
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Mon 5 May 2008, 12:50, Reply)

Bitching on b3ta
There's been quite an abundance of this lately, involving personal attacks and nasty words. Is there any need for this? I think not. See FAQ: "There's someone really annoying on the board, is it ok to be rude to them?"

Of course, one person's definition of annoying is another's humour. We all have differing opinions, morals, values, tastes - it's what makes us individuals and is partly what separates us from the animal kingdom. The other part is not licking our bottoms - courtesy of emvee, see below.

So please, for the love of sugary fuck (to quote Pooflake) if any b3tans aren't your cup of tea, then use the ignore button.

It keeps everyone's blood pressure at a much healthier level, and saves trawling through material that doesn't float your boat.

Happy bank holiday BTW.

xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 5 May 2008, 12:28, 14 replies)

People who think that if they spray
a whole can of Lynx on themselves in the morning, the adverts will come true.
(09824739yhsidfhshfgq8weeq3e1, Mon 5 May 2008, 12:07, 1 reply)

So many yet, so little time...
Where to start...

1. Watching my beloved ICT (football team) being comprehensively beaten on a regular basis, even if not at home then watching the scores on TV

2. Heathrow Terminal 5. Just went through yesterday outbound to Hong Kong and the place whilst I'm sure an architectural marvel is so dismal with its newness and freshness (never mind that it's not finished and the technology to run it obviously doesn't work...grrrr!!!) that it's a source of frustration and anger

3. Cruelty, to animals or humans

4. Inefficiency. Hell, I might as well be Teutonic with my peevishness at inefficiency

5. Community Mental Health Teams. 'nuff said.

There are more, so so SO many more, but those 5'll have to do for the time being.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 5 May 2008, 12:00, 1 reply)

That guy in nightclubs...
...who offers to wash your hands

They can fuck right off
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Mon 5 May 2008, 11:57, 6 replies)

'When they announced the X Factor winner, I literally died'
No you fucking didn't, you fucking idiot.

Besides, why the fuck are you watching X Factor?
(__, Mon 5 May 2008, 11:56, 1 reply)

i should have put all these in one post but
...then you couldnt vote on your favourite...

people who over use the word basically. you think cunt, end you point with a well constructed finishing statement, DO NOT sum up your half arsed arguement by saying basically.
(ivebeenhigh i've climbed so high, Mon 5 May 2008, 11:51, Reply)