honesty
This used to be blurb that came up alongside my picture on hotornot.com...

"Misanthropic student journalist, 21 years old, drunk (alternating between states of existential terror + despair and resentment-heavy rage), seeks female with a shred of decency left in her black, black soul."
(weirzbowski, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:40, Reply)

Fatty in a photo
I've been on a few internet dates before. One memorable one was with a girl, who since the photo used in her profile taken, had *clearly* been eating lard between meals.

I mean it was her. You could tell it was her. It just looked like her in a low budget space movie when the spaceship has just lost pressure.

After the second drink she wasn't getting any fitter so I actually did the '*look at watch* Gosh, is that the time? I must get my train' thing.

Sorry fat girl.
( cupboardy, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:32, Reply)

my ex replaced me
with someone from World of Warcraft....

I'm not sure how that works but its shocked the hell outta me

And so my friends have suggested i take out a personal ad- so far I have

6'2" failed teacher looking for relationship with woman who is attactive, sane and able to deal with someone highly depressed. Am a complete wargaming geek who has had to move back home to his parents. Would prefer if the brave lady could drive as I cannot.


Click I like this if you want me to actually post that on multiple dating sites :)
(bignutter, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:28, Reply)

ON THE ROPES!
from the framley examiner:

NEW BOY IN TOWN.
Bi-curious sockford man, new to scene,
seeks experienced gay man to to show
him the ropes

ANCHORS AWAY!
Bi-curious Fracton sailor, needs to
moor boat, but cannot find requisite
equipment on board, seeks experienced gay
man to to show him the ropes

HEAVE HO!
Bi-curious tug-of-war organiser, standing
in sports shed wondering what he came in
there for, seeks well equipped gay man
to to show him the ropes

LORD OF THE RING
Bi-curious Sockford man, lost in middle
of boxing rung and unable to find way out,
seeks experienced gay man to to show him
the ropes

KETCH ME IF YOU CAN!
Bi-curious trainee bellringer, until now
convinced that bells are rung by trampolining
into the belfry and nutting them with his
forehead but beginning to suspect there
may be a means of sounding a peal of bells
from the floor of the church using some kind
of pulley system seeks huge black man to fuck
him up the bum.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:24, Reply)

Girls
If you love the taste of pre-cum, then I'm the man for you.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:19, Reply)

If you put
a personal ad on a dating website, you may be surprised to find it on several other websites many years later.

Your situation may have changed. You may no longer be looking for internet-founded romance. You may cringe at some of the things you wrote on your profile all those years ago.

But there is no way to delete them. Because you never joined the site where your profile now sits, splayed out for all the web to see.

I'd like to go back to ten minutes ago, please, when I didn't know all this.
( somegreybloke, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:06, Reply)

I used sarah beenys site
and am getting married in June next year. Seriously folks it's not all bad.
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:04, Reply)

I've been single...
...for 7 years. Count them. I know I have.

In my darker moments I have considered posting the following...

"Tall, attractive, large breasted, intellectually undemanding blonde seeks elderly billionaire with no surviving family and a heart condition for vigorous sex and purchasing of nice cars and yachts."

Now that Anna Nicole Smith is no longer with us, I may give it a shot.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:37, Reply)

The horror. The horror.
Where to start? Dipped a toe into the murky world of interweb jigginess after divorce number two. Oh yes, I'm a catch me.

Actually, "dipped a toe" is an understatement. Jumped in with both feet is more accurate. I have a few cardinal rules that I now follow having learned the hard way. Just got time to post one now, but will return with more:

Cardinal Rule #1. Never, EVER, agree to see somebody on the strength of a closely cropped face shot. The picture is cropped for a reason.

The lady in question expressed a particular desire to be serviced up the bum rigorously and frequently. I am male, so did my thinking with my cock and decided to break cardinal rule #1. Idiot.

We chat, we arrange to meet, I drive 120 miles to a pub, all in the space of less than 24 hours. I arrive, get a drink, sit by the window and wait. A car pulls up and a mountain of female flesh gets out. She's so big she can't walk properly, just waddle. Jeebus, I think, look at that! Glad it's not her! It is.

A quick scan turns up just one nearby exit and she's coming through it. Fucksocks. I put on a brave face to hide the crushing disappointment. I buy her a drink. Then lunch. We chat and she's really sweet, but still soooo huge. Then again, I *have* driven 120 miles and she *does* want bum sex. So we go back to hers and I perform rigorously as requested.

Time to leave and ridden with self-loathing, I start to get dressed. She looks at me through heavily-lidded eyes and says "You know, I think you could be THE ONE!"

I didn't stick around long enough to find out if she was:

a) Being sarcastic
b) Using that line because she wanted to see the back of me ASAP and figured (correctly) that it would work, or
c) So needy that a pounding up the clacker from an almost total stranger qualified as a courtship

I'm getting too old for this bollocks.
(JohnWatson66, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:35, Reply)

InternetPeopleAreBad.
"I wish I was pregnant, so I could have it ripped out of me and see the look on your face."

When questioned later, she couldn't remember this utterance. Strange, really. It's one that sticks out in the mind. Turns out that was her psychotic break. She's schizophrenic.


They're still together...
(FurtiveBiscuit, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:23, Reply)

Never.
I've never used dating sites, personal ads, or whatnot... and truth be told, I'm not sure what I would do should I find myself suddenly single.

That said, I did have a webcam at one point, and may have made a mistake in choosing the server I did to host it. In retrospect it was probably some kind of grooming site, which is actually quite disturbing looking back at it.

After receiving an ICQ message from "simonevolpe" I decided it would be best to let him down gently. I'm not that kind of boy, after all.

Unfortunately he wouldn't take no for an answer, and kept insisting that I was a "pretty boy" and that he wanted to be my "friend".
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:22, Reply)

grrrr
I've spent my share of time on internet dating sites with varying results. None of my encounters led to marriage and babies but it must be said, I met some genuinely nice, attractive men who, although they didn't work out as my personal Mr Right, are top blokes. Some I have remained friends with. Not everyone on those sites is a moron or a weirdo.

...

Just most of them.

Leaving aside minor irritants like the fact that most of them can't use the vowels on the keyboard other than "u", the worst that come to mind are:

- the "semi-professional photographers" who open with "u r gorgeous, u cud be a model, if u come to my studio I'll help u do a free portfolio." Refusal leads to a barrage of insults.

- the ones on social sites who ignore the designation "in long-term relationship" on your profile and send the cock shots anyway. And are trying to be serious rather than pains in the arse.

- the ones who send a barrage of abuse on being told that you're not prepared to send them nude pics of yourself, nor get a webcam, nor give out your phone number for their gratification.

The winner, however, was the guy who sent a message to my OKcupid account, saying something along the lines of "wow, you're the sexiest girl I've seen on love@lycos..."
( Batsgirl, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:12, Reply)

Fun
I don't really do the online dating thing but I do read them. They're a good read at lunch.

I do have one gripe.

People often say "I like to have fun". Really? Fun? You like to have fun??? crazy person.

One of the dictionary definitions is
"something that provides mirth or amusement".

Who doesn't like having fun? Come on, hands up.

Rant over.
(grimmmy, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:04, Reply)

WLTM
Git seeks Bird.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:03, Reply)

I swear to god I didn't make these up.
I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please be quite buxom and imaginative for play and enjoy fantasy role play aesthetics. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

==============================================

A mere day ago, I cast out my spell of seduction, searching for men true of heart and lustful in their drives who understood the true meaning of "fantasy" and "roleplay".

Alas, the spell was a strong one, for the call was apparently heard 'round the realm; so much that I fear now that my cup (and inbox) runneth over...

I have found my love for now--the one who not only cast the most charismatic photo magick and spoke most eloquently and most Elvishly, but who speaks masterfully of Beowulf, from whence I take my namesake. And so I remove myself, overwhelmed as I am, from this modern etherworld... for now. I thank all of you for your kind words and noble efforts... though, to be fair, this maiden could have done without those many messages affixed with renderings of your coarse nether regions.

Namaarie, rwalaerea. Lle ume quel. Aa' lasser en lle coia orn n' omenta gurtha.

Tenna' telwan,
Freawaru

===============================================

And that, my dear b3tans, is why I'm so fucking glad I'm not dating anymore.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Sep 2007, 18:02, Reply)

long walks on the beach SOD YOUR CUNTING LONG WALKS
what is it about long walks anyway? Who likes long fucking walks? it's just a polite way of saying "i don't like music, film, art, reading, conversation, gourmet food or fine wine." Who likes WALKING? It's like saying your favourite drink is water. Cunts.
(swander, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:44, Reply)

Work your noodle round that
Strange that, as I also saw an advert for an escort in the back pages of Loot, only she was Chinese.

She seemed to have a high opinion of her body though, as it said that she had "curves sure to make you rice to the occasion.".
(swander, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:41, Reply)

...
Of course as every well brought up user of online personals knows, etiquette dictates that the cock shot is traditionally sent with the third email.
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:35, Reply)

rachelswipe
tranny = transit cafe
(faragher dub, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:31, Reply)

Well........
Jesus H Christ on a bike where do I start?
The one from Birmingham who came over in a taxi and then proceeded to offer to shag me and my flatmate and then threatened to burn the place down when we wouldn't?
The one who's photo was taken 5 years and 10 stone ago?
The one who was at least 20 years older than her pic on the site?
The one who tried to "cleanse my aura"?
The one who asked me for money to go to the bar but bought crack rocks?
The one who I turned down for a grrreeeeaaaat shag who then put an advert on the net saying I was a pervert and a serial womaniser (like that's a problem!?!?)
I'll get some more on later.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:28, Reply)

I knew a girl once
who got herself a boyfriend (who was a twunt of the highest order, loved himself) and cut herself off from all her friends, especially if boyfriend didn't like them, because now she had Mark (for that was his name) she didn't need anyone else, or something (as proved by what happened when he dumped her and she had no friends any more). You know, the sickeningly lovey kind of relationship where she agrees with everything he says and only talks about him "Mark says this. Mark thinks that. I think this because Mark does."

This included me, and at the time I was grappling with whether to jettison my own deadbeat ex (the one who didn't bother to mention his offspring to me). I had bemoaned his twuntishness to her and some other friends on a couple of occasions previously, and one day I open my inbox after not hearing from her for a few months:

From: "name"
Subject: Match.com - make love happen!

I know he was a pain in the ass, but that's one of the worst ways to say "your boyfriend is a waste of space". I wish I could have retaliated with the giant hand and Another One Bites The Dust when I heard Markypoos had given her the elbow.
( Maladicta, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:24, Reply)

internet dating
I live in asia where you can get a shag for a bag of crisps anyway so internet dating isnt really necessary out here. The blokes I know who indulge in internet dating usually end up with horrible fat diseased slags. My boss arranges to meet them online then sends me to check them out first. Like I said...generally pigs.
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:17, Reply)

Cocktastic



Back in the late '90's when I used to work for a company that produced internet chatroom software.

We used to test a lot of the stuff live and some of the people we'd meet nearly scared me off the internet for life.

One bloke asked for help setting up his webcam so I talked him through the problem. By way of a thank you, he kept sending me still shots of himself wanking for weeks afterwards.

Another was a pair of dweebs from California who also had camera and microphone problems. I sorted them out and their camera flickered into life. There, in grainy footage, was two naked fat boys sitting on bean bags. One of them was stroking his cock while the other uttered the immortal line "Hurr, hurr, now we can get us some chicks".

Out of sheer boredom, one of my male colleagues copied a 'Reader's Wives' style pic from some porn site or other and made up a fake persona. 'She' claimed to be a lesbian as we didn't want cock pics. We didn't get a single lesbo but, yes that's right, got inundated with cock pics.

Eventually the company got out of chatroom stuff altogether as they had to admit they were defeated by the sheer amount of filth that clogged up their servers. They went into the slightly less porntastic world of company intranets instead.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:12, Reply)

Hmmmm...
I'm really debating hard about how much I want to say on this subject. The vast majority of women I've been involved with since my divorce I met online, either through match.com or other sites. By and large I've had good luck, and only had a few frightening experiences.

I'd kinda hate to post something only to have one of them recognize herself from it and get upset...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Sep 2007, 17:06, Reply)

You boys think you've got it bad
Here's what men say and really mean in ads

Athletic = as a rake
Slightly overweight = only eats kebabs/drinks only guiness
Cultured = drinks red instead of white
Sporty = WATCHES football
Loves film = with boobs/Stephen Seagal
5'11 = 5'5
Sensitive = knows what the time of the month is
Has been hurt = doesn't know how to take responsibility for own cock ups
Funny = not!
Smokes occassionally = actually smokes, but doesn't want to be a smoker, get a grip!
Active = once a week, if that.
Loves animals = as long as his mum looks after them
Family man = someone else gets to do the cleaning

As posted once here before (can't remember by whom), here is the rule for internet dating

single
attractive
sane

Pick two!
(Jugular, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:57, Reply)

Translations
Fucking hate people who describe themselves as 'strong', invariably they are soft as wet shit and run to Mummy whenever anything goes wrong.

Sorry for the rant but you see in pathetic.com and needyanddesperate.org a lot...apparently.
(Neostenine's maker, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:53, Reply)

I once read an ad entitled,
"You, Me and Jesus"
Who'd have thought that the son of god used personals?
( Logiconor ) (, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:49, Reply)

teedyay
they're ladies who weren't ladies before

i assume...
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:45, Reply)

www.mythaibride.com/

Left hand menu: wtf is a "Special lady"!?

Edit [in response to Greebo, above]:
    Yes, maybe, but they do look nicer than the other girls. Is it worth the risk?
( teedyay, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:44, Reply)