Fannyfire!
This is real bad, be thoroughly convinced before you try. Whilst at a Regimental dinner we sneaked into the Ladies loos and rubbed white pepper into the loo roll.



I know, I know, I'm really sorry for that one (still grinning about wifey's toothbrush though!!)
(The voices told me to do it, Wed 11 May 2005, 15:17, Reply)

Whoops
Just put the finishing touches to a military installation we've been doing for years and the bloody SkyNet's gone self aware.

All those little trails in the sky are pretty mind you.
(paxvobiscum, Wed 11 May 2005, 14:48, Reply)

flame out
This was quite a while ago, back when i smoked (cigarettes). I was riding a bicycle and lighting a coffin-nail with a paper match and I flicked the match at Paul's car. Paul was a prat who went to my high school and thought his athletic prowess gave him the right to lord over people.
He LOVED his car and covered it every night with a fabric car cover.
Next day, I ride by and notice that 'somehow' the fabric cover on his car has burned completely off.

Wish i had done it intentionally.

bwa ha ha ha ha
(tridog, Wed 11 May 2005, 14:32, Reply)

smug mode
Sing it y'all!
"Atmosphere! / I love a party with a happy atmosphere!"

*Not the Joy Division hit
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Wed 11 May 2005, 14:13, Reply)

no cake for the impuritay - You tosser
I now have Russ Abbouts Atmosphere running around my head.

I will mention Celine Dion's "My Heart will go on" in the hope that you have this abomination in your head

I repeat.....Tosser
(Taco Tickler, Wed 11 May 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Sweet revenge!!
Whilst going through a petty & spiteful divorce my now ex-wife still had access to the house and exercised her right of "doing what the f**k I want" quite regularly. Our dog's digestive system wasn't all that good but then I discovered that wifey's toothbrush was great for cleaning the dangleberries off the underside of his tail!!


That was 10 years ago but still makes me grin!!
(The voices told me to do it, Wed 11 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

"I Love A Party With a Happy Atmosphere!"
My favourite bit of psycho-warfare, yours to cut out and keep!

You will need:
1 x Old-school 50p-for-7-plays pub juke box
1 x 50p
1 x shit holiday song by Russ Abbot
1 x other pub
1 x excuse to pop out for 20 minutes

Method:
When mates can't see you, detour to juke box. Put 50p in juke box. Select Russ Abbot song seven times. Return to seat. Note pained expressions of fellow drinkers as shit song first plays. Make excuse and leave - buying cigs is a good call at this point. Return to pub as shit Russ Abbot song plays for the 7th time. Observe reduced number of customers in pub.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Wed 11 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Worst prank EVER!
About 2 years ago, when i was about to finish my A-levels, there was general talk about what pranks to play on the school just before we left.

There were a few of us trying to think of things that had never been done before when this guy (who shall remain nameless because i have totally forgotten his name????) decided to confide in us that he was going to play the ultimate prank on teh school.

we thought he was gonna blow it up or something the way he was talking about it and the fucker wouldnt even tell us!!! it was that amazing.

DYING to know what he had in mind, we eventually managed to work out of him, that he was going to steal all the "intel pentium4" stickers of the sides of the computers in the cluster.

we ripped the piss out of him for the next 2 weeks, only to find, that the crazy mofo had actually gone and done just that.

(incidentally, the pranks played on the school that year were quite good:

20alarm clocks timed to go off during assembly, officially starting what our headmaster called "silly season"

but the best was the 20 foot high cock painted on teh front roof of the school for all to see.

brought a tear to my eye)

I will never apologise for length, COS U LOVE IT!

(i like sex)
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Wed 11 May 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Cease and Desist
Some clever fucker sent a few emails to bootleg/mash up artists at a bootleg site pertaining to be from the BPI, with a realistic looking address ie BPI.org or something 'saying blah blah turn your site off its got copyright material on it and we are gonna bust you' in legalese.
With a reply address to the real BPI. No names but people replied... dirty rotter
(jimpugh, Wed 11 May 2005, 13:07, Reply)

language change
Some Nokia phones can display Arabic and Turkish. I changed the language setting of my mate's phone to Arabic one night when inebriated (I'd done it to lots of people before - oh how we all laughed...)

This time, no laughter. Just me, grinning and pointing at him with a snigger, while everyone around the table looked shocked. The victim of my prank started to get upset that he couldn't change his phone back to English, as the menus were all now in incomprehensible squiggles. He became like a brummy Basil Fawlty as each click on the buttons took him deeper into the labyrinth of encrypted menus...

He went red in the face with anger and demanded that I change it back, shaking the alien phone in my face.

I couldn't. I suggested he get his manual and work through step by step. He kicked me out of his house and hasn't spoken to me since.

Silly tit.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Wed 11 May 2005, 13:01, Reply)

post natal bladder weakness
Whilst pregnant with our son (Hi, Oscar!) my wife was evil. For the last four months, nothing was ever right, everything was uncomfortable and I had to do everything for her or else my life would be misery forever. Like every doting husband should, I complied fully and put up with it all. Until after the birth.

After the birth, she developed a sudden 'bladder weakness' which meant that she wet the bed nearly every night for about three weeks...well, until I started to feel for bad for pissing on her and making her think she was incontinent....


Okay, so you wanted sabotage, not revenge, but hey - they're kinda related! Sorry, I'll do better next time...
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Wed 11 May 2005, 12:57, Reply)

mobile phones
I recently quit my job and when I left I had to hand in my company mobile phone. Before handing it over, I ran the battery down, then turned the phone off, not bothering to mention that I had changed the SIM code. There was just enough battery to turn the phone on and type in the wrong code 3 times before the phone turned off completely. I also 'forgot' to hand in the charger. Once they had bought a new charger and called customer services to reset the SIM number, they gave the phone to my replacement, who took 2 weeks to work out why customers were calling the Managing Drector's direct line and asking to speak to me. This was because they hadn't changed the long-distance access code to the voice mail so I was calling every morning and changing his message to say "This is Ellen Smellen, the number you have dialed is no longer in use but you can contact me on my direct line (insert MD's phone no here)"

I also reformatted the hard drive on my computer and reset everything to factory settings and put all of my files through the paper shredder before I left.

The coup de grâce was realising that the IT bloke hadn't changed the admin access codes for the product web site after I left so one day I logged on and changed every single link to redirect to a rival product's website.

The irony of it all is that my ex boss (now a very good friend) knew what I was doing but she was so pissed off with them she helped me out by telling me when the new guy's phone was likely to be switched off etc. She got fired less than a month later...

Length is important. I will never apologise. Infact, I demand length.

Edit: this is not really revenge as they hadn't really done anything particularly bad to me, I just didn't like them very much
(ellen smellen, Wed 11 May 2005, 12:48, Reply)

All this floppy disk drive destruction
makes me giggle.

I have a rather good one:

Guy at school pisses me off royally, so i was surprised to find a floppy disk near where he normally sat in our computing lesson. I took said disk and had a look at it, noticing they were his files, i decided to have some fun.

If you're very careful, you can split the casing on a floppy disk without damaging anything inside. If you then remove one of the little cotton pads from the plastic (there's a bit of glue on them, try not to rip it) and apply the mixture of ground up match heads and nail varnish (which i had prepared earlier), reapply the cotton, and glue the disk back together, it makes for a rather fun experience.

I gave him the disk back, told him i found it, he quipped "ha, i bet you deleted all my work didn't you, you cunt?". I sat and smirked.

It's rather funny watching somebody panic when not only is their one and only floppy disk containing all their work (which they were too stupid to back up onto the network) catches fire in the drive, not only destroying the disk, but the drive and several other components (the hard drive in that machine made funny noises from then on).

I claimed it must have been some fault with the drie.

I'm a cunt really.

Oh, and all you whiners - yes, this is sabotage!

Definitions: 1. Destruction of property or obstruction of normal operations, as by civilians or enemy agents in time of war.

2. Treacherous action to defeat or hinder a cause or an endeavor; deliberate subversion.

I believe it fits number 1 rather well.
(mrcheese989, Wed 11 May 2005, 12:24, Reply)

University Halls
When of your friends goes home for the weekend break into their room, dump a bucket of water onto their carpet, and throw cress seeds everywhere. Its a bit old now but thats to modern agriculture you can now use modified rye grass which burrows its evil little roots into the floorboards. Add goat or bunny rabbits at last minute for maximal effect/shit everywhere
(st3ve, Wed 11 May 2005, 12:10, Reply)

Mains tomfoolery
One of my old housemates decided to throw a party. Social event of the year for all his mates. Of course, the party was mainly to show off the new stereo he'd just blown £600 on. Seeing how I didn't particularly care for said mates, I sat in my room with my other housemates, a dismantled mains plug and a pair of scissors.

The dismantled plug was plugged in, exposing the wiring blocks inside. Every time the shiny new stereo got turned up, I'd prod the earth and neutral with the scissors. Now, this is totally safe (as they're both at zero volts) but the RCD in the fusebox thinks it's a ground fault and flips all the switches, prompting a mad scramble in the dark to turn the fusebox back on before everyone leaves.

Everyone leaving took 4 flips, and he learned to keep it down in the end :)
( VeryGnawty, Wed 11 May 2005, 11:36, Reply)

More university sabotage
Lived with 2 students who were a couple in my second year.

The guy was really cool, liked a drink, pizza decent music. Girl was a complete nightmare, treated me like a poop on her shoe, made sure that I couldn't get in the bathroom, took over the kitchen, bolted the front dor so i couldn't get in, washed her hair in wank juice, drank pee, and ate my pubes.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Wed 11 May 2005, 11:03, Reply)

self satisfaction
I sabotaged my chances of appearing on the “best” front page of a web site, by not posting until rather late on, hence not giving people enough time to click on the “I like this” icon. Also the response I posted was shit, giving people no reason to click on the “I like this” icon. mission accomplished.
( sits back smugly, as his dirty little hand disappears down his grubby little pants)
(Jeeves, Wed 11 May 2005, 10:41, Reply)

Whoops
Seems the truth hurts some people -the guys about whom I wrote accused me of exploiting the death of one of the group member's fathers in order to discredit them! Bastards!
(Wrecked Tums, Wed 11 May 2005, 10:03, Reply)

Captain Campsite...
was the nickname of the Guy who ran that campsite at Glynn Cerriog...

He never changed the shower-timer system, and it had to run on old 10p's. each coin lasted around 20 seconds, ... it was an EXPENSIVE shower. An electrician friend and I went into the shower blocks one night and bypassed the pay-timers for the duration of our 1-week stay.

He never figured, and people expressed joy at the endless shower-times :)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 11 May 2005, 9:58, Reply)

"Sexy ladies' clothing"
About two years ago, after finishing high school, I read an old paper that I wrote on the invention of the camera.

The passage started normally:

"George Eastman invented the Kodak Camera in the early 1900s, inspired by his entrepreneurial spirit and his love of art...
AND ON THE WEEKENDS HE WOULD TAKE PICTURES OF HIMSELF DRESSED IN RATHER SEXY LADIES' CLOTHING."

My brother had added that sentence without my knowing. I had turned it in, and gotten full marks. Apparently teacher's don't read papers.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Wed 11 May 2005, 7:28, Reply)

another from my school days
In one particular math class, the teacher would occasionally hand out cheap calculators to the class for an excercise, then collect them back at the end of the day.
It was quite easy to pocket the thing, take it home, switch around the minus, multiply, and divide signs, and return it during the next excercise.
about a month after i began my calculator subversion, a student who was inclined more toward the athletic than the scholastic got called on for an answer to a problem...

and kept giving answers that were really, really wrong...

only i knew why he couldn't get it right.
(boink, Wed 11 May 2005, 7:02, Reply)

Annoying Shift Leader
I used to work as a tape monkey in the eighties looking after mainframes. It was our job every Sunday night to change the main system password (maximum 8 characters). Our shift leader (we shall call him Deepak) was a particularly nasty piece of work. Being Indian he also had a big problem pronouncing his 'v's. So, too our amusement we would always put v's in the password (Ultimate Pettiness). The best password we came up with was 'v8volvo'.
"What's the new password Dee?" The systems people would shout. "Wee-et-woll-wo" would be the reply followed by “Pardon?” and sounds of people pissing themselves laughing. Our resident skinhead shift member also contributed the password ‘pickanut’. I think it was an anagram….
(rodmunch99, Wed 11 May 2005, 1:16, Reply)

An old witch in the accounts dept.
Her name was Maggie. She had a hideous condition that meant her piss seaped through her skin and she constantly stank like an old woman's knickers. To combat this she would spray herself throughout the day with "4711" eau de toilet.
She sacked my mate Kirk.
I waited til she went home, took her perfume to the khazi, emptied half the bottle and topped it up with fresh piss. She was so used to the smell on herself that she never noticed. For weeks afterwards the whole building was full of the whisper "she seems to be getting worse with her problem............do you think someone should tell her." As far as I am aware, nobody ever did.
(george_w_anker, Wed 11 May 2005, 0:55, Reply)

My Grandpa...
Moved the outhouse back a few feet knowing the farmer he tormented would take a dump in the middle of the night when drunk.
Unfortunatley since the outhouse was behind the hole Mr Farmer fell in.
(surfdork, Wed 11 May 2005, 0:15, Reply)

A few tricks for fun!
Itching powder on toilet paper can be very nasty.

Place glass stink bombs under the toilet seat so when the mark sits, they break. The stench is far worse and lasts longer than any poo. Time the boss coming into the bathroom for bonus points.

In high school (USA) we dorks of the class played a prank on the entire school. We stole every pencil sharpener handle in the school.

What did this do?

Shut down all testing.

Why?

All tests administered at the scool used scantron forms. You had to use a #2 pencil to fill in the space on the form. This required sharp pencils.
No pencil sharpener handles, no sharp pencils.

Done at the end of the quarter, lot's of testing going on.
(surfdork, Wed 11 May 2005, 0:02, Reply)

'Modifying' the switches in my old school,
I used to be an electrical anarchist in school, 2 of the favourite things I used to do,
Was in the toilets, I would unscrew the light switch (aluminium) and disconnect the live switch ( I knew where the fusebox was for the toilets) and reconnect the live to the switch. Lights on? ZAP!
Second, In the cold winter... We all used bunsen burners to keep warm, a nice 2' flame to keep the class warm on every bench. I disconnect the hose to my bunsen and blow INTO the gas main... Everyones flame hits 6-8' and then goes out... Then the panic sets in as 'gas' fills the room... Screaming teacher TURN THE GAS OFF! TURN THE GAS OFF! Priceles...

Pity the school is in rubble now...
( Goriath, Tue 10 May 2005, 23:20, Reply)

Bomb scare.,.
.. whilst at college I decided to get a tape casette case (yes kids before CDs) and then usethe wiring from a broken Dragon 32 Joystick and tape them together. I also added the heater element from a hair curler (very 80's but so very like an explosive device).

I left the whole contraption above a doorway and went off to lunch in the canteen.

Police, Fire Brigade et-al turned up , college closed down for the day, me in the pub - sorted.

Oh and I used to remove the cucumber from the canteen sarnies and flick them on to the art student's drawings that where on show.. set like concrete they did.. cucumber is an undiscovered civil engineering asset I tell thee..
( Signify, Tue 10 May 2005, 22:53, Reply)

It seemed so petty to start with...
...but I was merely responding to the office girls highly amusing prank of using a copy of me in my military uniform (from my previous job) and adding a considerably unflattering pasted on cock to it. And stuck it on the noticeboard for all to see. Lots of office girls tittering away and generally having a girly laugh time about it. Fair enough.

Having found out who was responsible I contacted a friend of mine 'in the trade' and sent her an enormous strap on dildo in the post. I thought this was extremely hilarious. Others apparently didn't, noticeably said office girls who complained directly to the Managing Partner. Not sure what he thought of a delegation of weeping office girls brandishing a twelve inch strap on dildo, but he did threaten, in a (to my mind, hysterically funny memo) the sack to whoever was responsible.

This is the first time this story has been told.
(tell me about the rabbits, Tue 10 May 2005, 22:23, Reply)

Ahhh, uni halls.
Stole all the door numbers from one floor then put them back on random rooms a week later. Its amazing how few people actually know where their room is.
(Cuddles It's not rape if they're already dead, Tue 10 May 2005, 22:14, Reply)