Triffids
And their "tongues".

t'riffic.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:25, Reply)

The Tripods

So many years ago and still scares the living piss out of me!

www.amazon.co.uk/Tripods-1-John-Shackley/dp/B000059L8M
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:24, 3 replies)

I always have this feeling in the back of mind
that I'm part of some gigantic alien's game. A sort of "The Sims" but an enormous scale.

I've always thought this way, evenbefore the Truman Show" was released exploring a similar theme.

What convinces me is that if you look straight down when walking it looks like you are walking on a massive ball about 50' in diameter. this ball is obviously kept in some sort of alien holographic chamber where they toy with me for their own amusemnet.

*braces for very public poo*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:17, 4 replies)

imagine this in your head.
Pulling back your big toenail.

see?
( Nathanial Hornblower, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:57, 6 replies)

Kaol's Magnificent Irrational Fear
This is my second greatest fear. My first shall never be mentioned, as it's too much of a weakness...
Anyway, this reduces me to a gibbering wreck...
And I've never head of anyone with it before.

It's the fear of the toilet being open whilst I'm having a shower :|

I don't know why it is, I'm not scared I'll fall down the toilet or anything, if something triggered it, then I've blocked it out from my mind.

It just *HAS* to be closed before I get in the shower. Or I can't get out.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:54, 4 replies)

Bindun?
I like modelling Bumble Bee's. On a large scale though - perhaps 20 times the size of a standard Bumble Bee. Well actually I like the creatures little wee rectum complete with stinger. Sometimes I simply make a big model of their bums.

In fact over the years I've garnered loads of faux-bee-ass'.


/coat
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:51, Reply)

I have a phobia...
That I'm going to innocently meet a guy on the interweb and we'll go out, have fun, get laid and I'll then discover it's Bertmonkeysex or his evil twin in disguise. *shudders*



*shudders some more*
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:49, 102 replies)

Dungeons and Dragons
I remembered this one at about 1 o'clock this morning...

There used to be a brilliant cartoon called Dungeons and Dragons, and a young me used to watch it with almost religious fervour.

In one episode of this classic cartoon epic, a small boy was asleep in bed. During the night he rolled over, one of his feet slipped from under the covers and ended up hanging over the edge of the bed.

A strange glow rose up from underneath the bed, and a red, gnarled claw rose up and grabbed the boys ankle, dragging him down to a hot and fiery underworld, where he was enslaved with all of the other children who were foolhardy enough to expose their limbs to the night.

I was 8 when I watched this. I'm 28 now. And I STILL can't hang my foot off the edge of the bed, just in case a monster gets me.

EDIT: It's this one: ftvdb.bfi.org.uk/sift/title/193570?view=synopsis
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:44, 5 replies)

Wasps. I am fucking terrified of wasps.
Like run out of the room really fucking quickly, flinch in the summer all the time because I thought i saw something moving in my periferals. Its not nice. Wasps are the most replusive disgusting evil little fucks on the planet.

I dont know if you have ever taken salvia. Its a legal drug, currently, but its actually a pretty strong hallucenagen. It only lasts for 5 mins, but in those mins anything can happen.

I was taking some salvia with a mate of mine, and because of the smoke the french doors were open into his garden. As soon as I have taken a hit, I hear a loud buzzing and lo and behold the biggest fucking wasp in the long and violent history of big fucking wasps comes flying for me and starts to buzz towards my head. Seriously, this thing was 6 meteres or so across*. Terrified like ive never been before, I try and stagger out of the way of the wasp of doom and decay. Not a good move, as, it turns out, salvia fucks you up. I couldnt really move and so settled for a sort of attempt to shuffle out of the way. Now my mate, at this time a little concerned, holds me down to prevent me doing anything strange on my little trip and repeatedly tells me there is no wasp, that everthing is OK.

I dont believe him and end up suffering one of the worst short periods of my life.

I sober up a little bit. Can still hear buzzing.

Im completely sober, theres a FUCKING WASP FLYING AROUND ME FOR FUCKS SAKE FUCKING WASP ARGHHHHHHHHHHH


And so I run out of the room, safe at last.
Ok, so it wasnt 6 meters long, but my phobia is pretty bad and it diddnt need to be to scare the fuck out of me. Moral of the story? Wasps are cunts.

*drugs are bad, mmmkay.
(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:41, Reply)

cat fear...
Rooroorasputins post made me think of this. Mrs spimf sells stuff to vets so she knows a bit about animal behaviour, also I sometimes get to play with cool toys like endoscopes and electro surgery kits (that’s the sort thing they use in 'Face Off' to cut the erm faces off, laser cutting devices in fact tend to be 'closed' like calipers and are only used for small incisons) only problem being is that in real life electro surgery units also cauterize (burn) as they cut so you'd be fucked trying to stitch the face back on, anyway i digress...

IMPORTANT BIT FOR THOSE WHO DISLIKE CATS:

People who hate cats invariably complain that if they are in a room with other people and a cat comes in, the cat makes a beeline for them. This is because subconsciously they tend to look away from the cat and narrow their eyes. THIS IS A MAJOR COME ON TO A CAT. Cats don’t like direct eye contact with strangers - its a challenge, so the poor bugger that can't stand cats is unwittingly sending out nice "come to me I’m all submissive and want you to rub yourself on me" messages.

this is also usefull to know if you come across an agressive dog - you must avoid direct eye contact, appear submissive and back away slowly, NEVER RUN. if all else fails and you think you are about to be attacked ourstretch your arms making yourself seem as big as possible, roar and scream as agressively as you can and hope the bugger backs down long enough for you to get out of the way. forget this with pitpulls, they're fucking nuts. and remember that high pitched noises tend to set rottweilers and dobermans off, thats why so many young kids get attacked. its the high pitched squealing, especially from little girls.

BTW - I don’t trust people who don’t like cats, as a good rule of thumb 9 out of 10 people who said they don’t like cats turn out to be cunts, FACT!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:10, 4 replies)

I suffer from the fear
that I am in fact the victim of an elaborate hoax and that dozens of other people that I think I have met on "the internet" are not, in fact, sat in front of their computers masturbating furiously every Wednesday afternoon, but just say they are to get a giggle. The same applies to the bondage gear I wear on Tuesday's, the goats milk encrusted butt plug I insert every Friday and the fact that I impersonate tubgirl on a Saturday.

I don't go to work naked on Thursday's as apparently that's "out of line with company policy." My insistence that it was a religious freedom issue did not go down well.
( Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:53, 30 replies)

People with Phobias
OK, I have a phobia of people with phobias... :P

In all seriousness though, I really don't have any phobia:

I'm too well-adjusted for my shirt, too well-adjusted for my car, what do you think about that.
(satellite blows, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:50, Reply)

Needles
This qotw is already 23 pages long, so I presume somebody has already posted something about them, so I'll elaborate slightly to...um...satisfy my own ego.

I've always been okay with injections. I don't mind people putting stuff into my veins. It's when they're taking blood that I go weak at the knees for some reason.

A couple of years ago, following concerns about a rather irregular and inexplicable weight loss, I booked in for a blood test. It doesn't help that you've got to fast for 12 hours so they can get a cleaner sample.

So this very nice Eastern European nurse measured my blood pressure, put on a tourniquet and stuck that bloody great needle in my arm. I had been looking the other way since she put the tourniquet on, and I felt alright up until she put the little plaster on my elbow. Then I started to feel very faint.

"Okay," she said, "let's get you to the sick bay"
And so I staggered down the corridor to said sick bay, being led/supported by this nurse. To this day, I'm amazed how well she managed. I don't mean to sound patronising, but even after the weight loss I was a 12st, 6'2" dead weight that this very slight 5'4" woman had to prevent from toppling over.

So I got there, and lay on this bed while she took my new blood pressure. I didn't catch the numbers, but the worried "oh..." she let out as she compared the before and after didn't bode well. Still, she then decided I needed plenty of sugar so I spent the morning being given a shovel-load of tea and biscuits, all on the NHS. At least they're good for something.

The irony? A couple of years later, I was sharing a flat with a medical student who needed blood samples for her research project. I let her take my blood in our living room. Clearly, I never learn.

Apologies for length. At least it won't get any longer with my blood pressure that low.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:50, Reply)

SMart
I had a fear that the Police were going to find out that I killed my girlfriend by injecting her with a bunch of dodgy class A's and dumping her in a bath


So I killed myself


Love


Mark

(Gets Coat)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:46, 7 replies)

there seems to be
a strong connection between fears and teeth.

a high proportion of these posts have described being able to feel the fear in their teeth.

this is weird.

just saying....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:43, Reply)

I have an irrational fear of
ghosts.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:24, 13 replies)

Further to legless' post
You can also hold a lighter about an inch in front of the nozzle when spraying them. This results in an impressive gust of flame and an instantly dead insect.

It may tend to singe your household furnishings a tad though, and possibly create a substantial house fire if you're really inept.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 8:11, Reply)

For People
Who are scared of wasps, or bees, or any flying insect, then use one of my tricks.

Don't bother with fly-spray, or insect spray. In my experience that just makes them uber-pissed-off for the 5 minutes it takes them to die.

Hairspray, that's the ticket. The stronger the better.

It turns the little fuckers into gliders with absolutely no control over their flight. And, when they do crash-land, they just sit there like wee insect models until you sweep them up and flush them.

And, as a Brucie-Bonus, it's funny as fuck.

Cheers

Mind you, I've had very good reports of WD40 as an alternative but never tried it.....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 7:32, 3 replies)

Cliffs
Riding my Vespa on (California) Highway 1 scares the crap out of me, because much of it runs along the edge of steep cliffs and parts of it frequently fall into the ocean.

I'm also afraid of having that creepy dream about Gil Gerard again. Gotta lay off those sleeping pills!
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 6:48, 1 reply)

Butterflies
Or in particular, the Aglais urticae, or small tortoishell. Or "little cuntbastardfuck" as I prefer to refer to it.

Butterflies are inherently evil. They are moths with good PR. They are not pretty. They are evil. One of these days, you mark my fucking words, they will take over the world and enslave us all. And I'll be there laughing (or gibbering in fear, more like) for I predicted this all along.

So what is it about them that turns me into a big screaming hom? Well, fuck knows....apart from EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM IN THE WORLD. The horrible, horrible bright colours. The way they fly AT you like they want to enter your head. The way that when I visit my parents' house in the middle of the country, the little whorebags of doom decide to end their hibernation and start attacking. Oh, and probably, most likely, due to the fact that when I was growing up, my mother decided that a butterfly phobia was "silly" and would make me sit in a room if a butterfly was flying around and refuse to remove it, even when I was sobbing in terror. This from the woman who is afraid of balloons.

Arg....

I'm just off to lie down in a small room which I have previously sprayed with liberal quantities of insecticide.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 14 Apr 2008, 6:45, 2 replies)

when I was very little I used to think that a scary monster lived under my bed.
I had a whole appearance and personality worked out. Its name was Dennis, and it wore a brown cardigan and slacks. At night, if I poked my head out from under the covers, it'd see me and trap me into an interminable conversation about its model train collection.

Apparently a lot of young children are afraid of the dork.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 4:54, Reply)

The Dark
.
I don't see why people are scared of the dark. It can't hurt you.

It's the things that hide in the dark that you should be scared of. The ghouls and the ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night. - They're what you should be scared of.

And heights. Being sacred of heights is just stupid. Heights can't hurt you - it's the ground you have to be careful of....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 4:46, 3 replies)

Lakes
They scare the absolute shit out of me. As do ponds, dams and slow moving/muddy rivers. Oceans, fine. I can swim in the sea with no trouble, but lakes just make me seize up in fear.

I don’t mind being near them all that much, but as soon as I get close to the edge of the water, I start having problems breathing/being conscious. I don’t know what this has been caused by. I once got dragged out by waves when I was five and I still go in the ocean happily. I think it’s the thought of what is under the surface. Because they don’t move, there could be dead bodies or eels (I really hate eels) or houses down there.

Underwater houses are another one. Why? I don’t want to even try to analyse that one.

Another of my rather delightfully obstructive fears is spring rolls. I had gastro one day, and they were the last thing I ate before it set in. Next thing you know I’m vomiting up 20 or so mini-spring rolls. Not good. From then on, I can’t even think about them without feeling ill. I once ate an odd little pastry thing, which had a spring roll-ish filling, at a party. Spent the rest of the night chucking my guts out in the toilet. Since then, if I smell them at a party I won’t eat anything there, for fear that the forks or plates had been used by someone eating spring rolls.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 2:54, 2 replies)

Logizomechanophobia
I love the word. I love the way it sounds, and the way its spelt. And its etymology. I love the way it feels in my mouth when I say it, and the way my fingers dance on the keyboard as I type it.

I love how Googling it brings up treatments and cures, which sufferers are unlikely to ever see.

I don't suffer it myself, but I know a few people that do.

Logizomechanophobia is the fear of mechanical intelligence, usually of computers.
( Thinker, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 2:37, Reply)

BirdPhones
I have an irrational fear of making phone calls - I worry intensely that I will say something stupid, or that the person on the other end of the line will hate me or something.

Seagulls also scare the living shit out of me. They look so evil...

And also cats - but only sometimes.

And you know that noise when you either dig in sand with a metal spade or drag a spade across concrete or stone? I want to rip my ears out when I hear that, and for some reason I always imagine myself biting the spade. I think it has something to do with cement and builders, as you get both the sounds when you are making cement...
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 0:59, 1 reply)

My mate
had phobias of foam, and flute music. I once mentally tortured him with the idea of being locked in a foam room with flute music playing.
( krang, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 0:09, Reply)

The smell of baby oil gives me the shivers
And if you want the story why...

(It is a repost, but the QOTW ain't exactly thrilling my cotton socks off, and I don't have any other weird phobias. It is a long one, but it's worth it - as the black man said to the nun)

First off, I'd like to say that I have never told anyone about this. Even, now, in total anonymity, I'm cringing as I type this.

Let me set the scene - I was 18, had recently stopped hanging around with my closest friends (for reasons I can't quite remember now), in a job I hated, when I made a sudden spontaneous decision to take a week-long trip to Amsterdam. I booked the flights, managed to get the holidays short notice, packed up and flew off.

Let me say at this point that you should never go on holiday by yourself. It is probably the single worst holiday I've had, and I've been caravaning in Wales for fuck sake.

Anyway, after wandering around feeling lost and bored, and after getting far more stoned than was good for me, I stumbled across the Red Light District. I haven't seen a bigger collection of ropey-looking underdressed tramps since my last big night out in Glasgow. As a horny teenager, however, I was in a moral dilemma. Would I pay for sex? The inner dispute took about three seconds to come up with the answer : Hell yeah!

The only problem was, I couldn't decide which 'lucky lady' I was gonna have some fun with. Did I want, fat, thin, blonde, brunette, old or young? It's like you've been asked to choose which whiney-faced James-Blunt-carbon-copy singer-songwriter should be beaten to death with their own arm. Too much choice...

I decided to go with the one that caught my eye, that seemed to stand out. As I turned a corner, one of the girls in the windows performed a dance with her hands at her waist, firing them like pistols. This made me laugh, so I stepped up and asked how much.

"50 eauros dahrling" she said in a dodgy Italian accent.

"Lead on" said I.

We moved into the back room, a squalid, yet somehow clinical affair. The place stank of sweat and baby oil. I handed over the money to my hired whore, taking the time to look her over as she counted it.

She was tall, leggy, with long brunette hair, strong features, and a very full bra. She looked good, though I now put this down to a combination of bad lighting and the number of joints I had smoked throughout the day. I was wasted.

"You get undreassed, dahrling?" she said huskily. At this point, I did notice her voice was lower than what I was used to, but figured it must be the same in all Mediterranean women.

I promptly stripped, and joined her on the leather couch. She then proceeded to start sucking on my already hard member, without using a condom. I lay back, enjoying the sensation. It shamefully remains, to this day, one of the best blowjobs I have ever had.

After a while I decided I was ready for action. I tapped her on the head and motioned I was ready for sex. After helping me on with the condom (it's worth repeating that I was pretty fucking wasted) she proceeded to turn her back to me, took my cock in her hand, and helped guide it into what I thought was her 'lady-chamber' (or, for all you foul-mothed fuckers out there, her cunt).

I was really getting into the sex, thrusting away, and she was responding well, making all the right noises. I felt myself approaching the point of no return, so decided it would be a good time to change positions. I stopped, and indicated with what I'm sure was a ridiculous hand motion for her to turn over onto her front.

She looked at me uncertainly. "You suare?" she asked. "What about..." She nodded downwards, I looked down, and her hand seemed to be covering something over her crotch. At this point, I still hadn't cottoned on. I actually said "What about what?" in a genuinely confused tone.

'She' removed her hand, and at this point I probably don't have to tell you what was under there. If you haven't guessed it already, I'll spell it out for you. It was a cock and fucking balls, meat and two veg, George Bush and his advisers.

She/he looked at me with concerned eyes. "Is okay?"

A million questions swarmed through me at once. Does this make me gay? Can I ever look at myself in the mirror again? Is it too late to ask for my 50 euros back?

Then I realised I had 5 minutes left, and I didn't have enough money for another actual girl. So I shrugged and asked her/him to finish me off with a blowjob. I'll say it again, I was really fucking wasted.

As she/he was sucking away I glanced down and noticed her/his 'full' bra was actually full of toilet paper, and, to make matters worse, the long brunette hair was a long brunette wig. This wasn't even a transsexual, it was a guy in drag.

Somehow, I closed my eyes and climaxed. Afterwards, I couldn't put my clothes on fast enough, and as I was going through the door, all I could say was "That was...interesting"

I went to my hotel room, and took the longest shower I have ever had in my life. The smell of baby oil seemed to linger for days.

Upon returning home, whenever anyone asked me how my holiday was, I said "Fine" and quickly changed the subject. To this day, the smell of baby oil makes me quesy.

So now you know the reasons behind my baby oil phobia. Just don't tell anyone.

Please?




P.S I don't apologise for length, but she bloody well should have.


P.P.S. Is there an actual scientific name for the fear of baby oil? If not, any suggestions?
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 23:58, 6 replies)

Topical, no?
I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
(FurtiveBiscuit, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 23:48, 1 reply)