An ex-girlfriend of mine was studying "Wimmin Studies" at uni.
During an argument she screamed at me "Oh my god! You're just ... SO ... FUCKING ... MALE!!!"

I didn't know whether to say "Sorry" or "Thank you".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:30, 5 replies)

Religious People
Fuck them.

Well there are two types really.

The sort who get on with their silly beliefs and don't expect to be treated any differently. Fair enough. You are a idiots but you are not cunts.

Then there's the sort that think their moronic group psychosis gives them the right to have other people adjust their lifestyles to accomodate them. Like trying to ban Life of Brian. Like issuing a fatwa against an author or a cartoonist whose ideas you don't like. Fuck off back to your own dimension and take your mediaeval dogma with you.

Yes OK they are an easy target here. But that doesn't change the fact that they are backward and are hindering the progress of human evolution. Fuck them from here to whatever ridiculous concept of hell they have dreamt up.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:30, 37 replies)

While we're posting youtube links...
Best 'Fast Show' clip (and relevant to the question):

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrFa51JU3sM
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:27, 2 replies)

Can't get the white out
When I was a lad, I lived for some time in Miami, Florida. Not the cool Miami Vice mansion and nightclub Miami, the mixed race, hippie infested, drug zone Miami. It was home and I was a happy little BC.

One of my best friends was a lad I'll call J. who was black. We played all the time, rode bikes, fished in the canals, climbed coconut trees, stole citrus fruit from neighbors trees and generally had a good time.

One time we were playing in the yard and went inside his house for a drink because it was hot and humid. He asked his mom for a drink and she looked at me, then at him and said, "I donno about giving him a drink. I'm not sure the dishwasher can get the white out." At the time, this seemed perfectly reasonable. Who was I to so boldly affect their fine plastic verre with my white germs?

So, we went out and had a drink from the hose. Now when I look back I feel really sorry for that family.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:24, 7 replies)

Text speak
LOL, ROFL, IMAO, fucking missing out vowels.

What the shuddering fuck!

I'm to old to be having to look these thing up on the internet just so I can understand text messages that have been sent to me by people old enough to know better.

God didn't invent vowels so you lot could miss them out of words. I was always taught that there are no words in the English language without a vowel or a y.

And those trendy abbreviations, don't get me started! If I had a pound for every message I've been sent ending in LOL, I'd have enough to buy a fuck off big nuke and toast the bastards.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:16, 18 replies)

Emvee's post down there reminded of this chap
Who clearly hates Asians
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:16, 1 reply)

I'd be here all week if I recounted my experiences
... being a blind bint with a blind bugger partner.

Taxi drivers who believe we are too stupid to know the difference between our own "human" food and the dog's food. And those who, despite it being against the law and them knowing it, charge us extra when we travel with my fiance's guide dog - absolutely not allowed, fuckwits - its called "discrimination" according to the DDA, and don't think we don't know about it even if you don't admit it (you'd be surprised at the amount who do admit it in a righteous tone of voice however) - happy to shop you to the local council licensing department and see you lose your job.

My step mother asking my dad if, upon meeting my fiance for the first time, she would have to "take him to the toilet". Whilst I get the idea that being blind, we might need showing where the loo is in a more specific manner than a sighted person does, nobody has had to take either me or the s.o. "to the toilet" since we were very small children, ta - and in which case, I know where the bog is in that house - why wouldn't I show him if he wanted to know ? The mind boggles.

My mum wondering aloud to the assembled throng at our engagement party how on earth my fiance could know that he loved me "when he can't see you at all ?" She just can't get the idea that lack of eyesight is just that - it doesn't mean you have lack of anything else, including the ability to love someone. His mum was very restrained in not giving her a massive mouthful, I thought.

Countless people who on a daily basis assume that "blind" equates to "brain dead and must be spoken to and treated as if a child."

Honestly, I could go on but I'd be here all week. Which would be very boring.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:13, 17 replies)

Boys wearing baggy jeans belted below their hiney
I don't know if it's popular elsewhere, but in the States the utes and some adult types wear their baggy jeans very low, often exposing their boxers, sometimes belted below their hind ends. Personally, I don't see how a female could find that attractive cause it's all flat and disgusting.

I've heard a comedian say if a boy like that came to date his daughter, he would help him keep his pants up with the help of a nail gun. I saw two such lads trying to cross at a cross walk and waddling like penguins as they balanced their 64 ounce cokes. Bastiges!
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:08, 14 replies)

Just this very week
I've been seeing a girl for a month or two. A really lovely girl. Attractive, funny and intelligent. She's had a few problems in her past, but they looked like they were all behind her. We really seemed to hit it off.

Last weekend I was in Newcastle with a few mates for a stag weekend. We went into a very normal looking pub, with lots of boys and girls. The only unusual thing being that they had female dancers - fully clothed, I hasten to add. They performed choreographed routines up on a balcony type thing. Nothing sexual at all though.

Anyway, you could also 'buy' a dance from them for the princely sum of £3. For that, you sat in a dentist's chair on the bar and had to down a drink in one go while a girl danced for you - for all of about 30 seconds. Again, it was not at all sexual. We bought a dance for my mate the groom.

Of course on my return home I was grilled on the events of the weekend, and mentioned this novel form of entertainment. Apparently I have been giving my marching orders by this otherwise delightful girl because I am a sexist and I view women as sex objects.

Perhaps an over-reaction you might think, but she's stuck to her guns. However, what completely boils my piss is that she had previously admitted that she had attended a friend's birthday party where she had hired a topless male waiter to serve drinks to her friends. She didn't seem to have any issue with this at all.

Now for me, neither of these scenarios are particularly off the scale, but apparently one is quite acceptable and the other one makes me a rapist.

It would appear that sexism can only be exhibited by men against women.

Can anyone shed any light on this? I'm none the wiser! Am I just barking mad?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:07, 23 replies)

Sorry to bring religion into it already
But according to the Karaite movement in Judaism (it's not a martial art, I looked it up) there are examples of discrimination against their people, and those who indulged in the BC equivalent of gaming, from times pre-dating the formation of monotheistic faith.

I found out the basics of this through a kosher friend of mine, and chased up the rest on Wiki. There are transcripts in religious texts of secret gatherings based around primitive forms of entertainment in which the members competed against each other in what would today be called roleplaying. Not the filthy kind. Like D&D. But before they had religion, they used to calculate the equivalent of rolls using sticks which would be stamped upon; whoever broke their brittle wood into the most pieces won.

This is probably the earliest example I've ever heard of Pre-Jew Dice.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:06, 5 replies)

As a general rule
Men wearing skinny jeans are cunts. If they're wearing more than one belt as well, then that just confirms it.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:00, 13 replies)

Australians
A few years back a rather charming Kiwi lady was moving our of my shared flat. Hoping to replace her with another charming Kiwi, I put an ad on gumtree reading: "Antipodean required to replace outgoing Antipodean. No Australians need apply."

They took it down; apparently that's racist or something.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:59, 5 replies)

I don't think dulux do that colour?
Whilst looking at doors for my gran, she explained to the shop assistant that she wanted one in the colour 'N**ger Brown'

She went for 'Velvet truffle' instead.
(Rco has been clean and sober since, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:55, 3 replies)

The talented people on here
I fucking hate them. Shitting out solid gold comedy constantly.

Able to knock up a jpeg or gif in seconds that will have everyone laughing like a spastic in a jelly factory.

Prodigy69, happytoast, ninj, mstandot and the others. Making us incapable, untalented bunch look....well incapable and untalented.

Hogging the front page with their lah de dah, computer related capabilities. Leaving us to wallow in our seamful, unfunny, probably knocked up on corel draw images.

Bastards, the lot of them!
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:53, 7 replies)

Technically speaking
"Racist" wins any argument.

I would like to see it used more in the Houses Of Parliament:

"So ... hahaha ... so ... so perhaps my right honourable friend might ... PERHAPS MY RIGHT HONOURABLE FRIEND MIGHT LIKE TO COMMENT ... on the fact that ... that if it weren't for the statistics, he wouldn't be here in the first place!"

*laughter, cheers, "Hear, hear! Hear, hear!"*

...

"Racist."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Selective homophobia
I am gay but I increasingly find I am rather homophobic.

This doesn't mean I hate myself and my boyfriend (well, sometimes) but that I tend to steer clear of men who are obviously gay and seem to be trying to make a profession out of it.

Bloody poofs.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:42, 25 replies)

eek
I was walking home late-ish a night. I was the only person on the street, until a guy turned the corner and walked towards me.

My brains went thus
"I don't like the look of him... I'm sure it's fine...but I reeeeally don't like the look of him...maybe I could run away?...no that's stupid, he's almost certainly fine...granted, but better safe than sorry, I don't want him to mug my face off...no, stand firm, keep walking, behave normally...really?...well, maybe act bigger than you really are, but don't overdo it and mainly walk normaly...maybe I could duck into that side street ahead, it will only add a couple of minutes to the journey home and I'll feel reassured..yeah, lets do that. Hang on...is he...is he running away from me? Well that solves that problem"

Apparently he also didn't like the look of me
(teebie jeebie, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:40, 2 replies)

Death Knights
Totally useless, every one of them.
(Darth Thump, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:38, 8 replies)

Visiting Auschwitz* a few years ago
everyone was assigned to a group speaking their language so my mate and I went with about 30 British, Irish, American, Australian and New Zealand visitors.

Our guide showed us around, pointing out places of interest and telling us humbling anecdotes about the terrible times there during the war.

Everyone tutted and shook their heads sadly as he described the awful privation and cruelty. Some were almost weeping.

Then he showed us a space between two large huts where a crowd of imprisoned Gypsies had whiled away their last evening: violins played, children scampered, men sang, women danced, there was even a small campfire...

In the morning, all the Gypsies were rounded up and taken to the gas chambers - not one survived, not even the little babies.

The group gasped in horror, some cried 'Oh no!' and turned away, hand to mouth, white-faced.

Except for the Brits, who all glanced at each other and murmured 'Well, best thing, really...'

Could've crawled up my own arse!

*I recommend a visit if you're in the Cracow area. It's free to get in and the tour guide is cheap. No need to take an organised tour as you can get a normal bus from Cracow and back for peanuts.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:37, 8 replies)

Fog in the Channel
Europe cut off!

As Grandad used to say.


Along with the words of wisdom:
"If your visiting France and they don't understand you, just shout louder".

He was serious too.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:35, Reply)

The trick is
to say you're prejudiced against all racists
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:33, 3 replies)

When the shoe is on the other foot...
On my first trip to Japan I was riding the suburban Yamanote Line train by myself. Noticed that although the train was quite crowded there were two empty seats...one on either side of me. And that I was gettin' the hairy eyeball from many passengers. Enlightening, that was.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:33, 8 replies)

White dog poo
Those who were alive in the 1970s may recall that dog poo used to turn white. You don't see it these days because there isn't so much bone in dog food.

As a six year old playing in the garden, I came across a dog poo that must have sat around for a while and was white. Our dog was black. My poo is brown. I am white. I decided that poo must come out the opposite colour to ones skin or hair colour.

My best friend at the time was a boy of Asian ethnicity who happened to have come round to play that day, his dad was standing nearby. I decided to research my theory further and asked him "What colour is your poo, is it white?". His dad hit the roof, had a right go at me.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:32, 3 replies)

I'm quite prejudiced.
Among other things:
I can't take people with a Boston accent seriously. I think it's becuase that is, by chance, the sort of accent every kid at my primary school used when 'talking like an American off telly".

Shutter Island becomes an entirely different film when the accents of the characters cause an unstated but solid belief that they are all secretly schoolchildren taking the piss.

edit:
Oooh, and another one.
Newly out gay men who insist on being outrageously camp all the time despite the fact that they aren't naturally camp. If you've finally managed to be honest and open with people about who you really are, why not enjoy it?
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Hypocrisy
My ma, when I was a kid, used to say 'look out for the black man and woman, they'll take you away'.

She denies it to this day now, and went to the point of saying 'I brought you up not to be racist', but my siblings remember it just as clearly.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:20, 1 reply)

My father's an old school male chauvinist pig,
the sort who don't actually go out of their way to insult women - they just believe they're inferior and don't mind who knows.

A few years ago, when my little niece was staying with my parents she got bored and unscrewed some fittings in the bathroom.

Dad was furious - how naughty! If she'd been a BOY it would've been clever, he fumed, but a GIRL shouldn't do things like that.
When I pointed out the obvious flaw in his logic, I was told not to be so stupid. Well, I'm only a woman, after all.

He regularly tells my mother how stupid she is. He recently asked her if she knew what she was talking about over something, because, he informed her, 'a lot of women don't, you know.'

At the moment he's in hospital, and the only person he wants visiting him is my brother, The Boy. Can't have women wasting his time, y'see.

Except for my mother, who does his washing.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:18, 2 replies)

Well...
I suppose there are some generalisations I find from experience to be pretty reliable:

Hippies are just lazy
Welsh girls are easy
Anyone who is properly into jazz is pretentious
Italian men are lecherous
The French take themselves too seriously
Short men are normally angry
Americans can't drink
No one competent works in HR
Southerners are soft compared to Northerners
Goths are just ugly people trying to make it look like its deliberate

However, I am friends with a very funny German, for the record.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:13, 4 replies)

Fussy eaters
I fucking hate them. If there's a show about, heh, "selective eating disorder" on television I have to switch it off, or else I start screaming. When I see the face of some thick cunt wrinkle up like an ickle tiny baby's because someone put a plate of not chocolate or not baked beans in front of them, I just want to punch it. It's food you fucking fanny. Food someone has toiled to prepare in the hope of you enjoying it, and your petulent fucking child brain can't cope with it because you're a moron. I hope you get scurvy.
(Slyph, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:11, 9 replies)

Me Gran
She lives here in the UK and is always on about "bloody foreigners coming over here". Where is she from?

Malta!!
(John_Bonham's_snare gave you tinnitus on, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:11, Reply)

My Gran
and to a lesser extent my Grandad, what with belonging to an older generation of 'we fought the war, wot wot' mumblings, are somewhat...intolerant. Fair enough, they do live in Peterborough, which I understand has a massive problem with immigrants, and they do read the Daily Mail, which has a massive problem with everything, but still. My Gran won't hesitate to come out with sweeping statements like:
'Well of course you can't trust any of those darkies' (short-changed 5p for a pint of milk)
'The Irish shouldn't be allowed, they're all terrorists and potato farmers' (despite getting on famously with her Irish next-door-but-one neighbour and babysitting her kid regularly)
'Nignogs just aren't the same type of people like us' (on spotting a roodboy type with his trousers belted somewhere below his knees)

On being treated to one of her infamous rants about 'bloody immigrants coming over here and taking our jobs', I incredulously pointed out:
'But Gran, you're German. You moved over here when you were 20 and you only worked from 30-ish to 40-ish before retiring!'
I got given a slap round the chops for my logic and was curtly told 'Yes, well that's different.'
(berk, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 14:10, 2 replies)