Gold. Plastic. Chocolate. Crap
My uncle and aunty, bless 'em, bought my sisters and me the best ever crap present.

Gold coloured plastic spoons with their ends dipped in chocolate.
Seriously, plastic spoons.
The chocolate was meant to melt in the tea/coffee/boiled milk when we stirred it making a lovely chocolatey drink. They did work, however the spoons melted in the dishwasher afterwards.
Arse, i'm still short on teaspoons.
(CustardCar is riding the back. with a hat., Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:50, Reply)

A packet of 5 ping pong balls. With the 99p sticker still on.
This was the only present my sister got me for my fourteenth birthday. It later transpired that it was because I had played table tennis one day several months earlier and had said I enjoyed it.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:46, Reply)

No present, but the card.......
On my 12th birthday i happened to recieve a card from my late grandparents. I never saw them that much, but bless em they were lovely. Anyway, i got a card. On the front of which were several young cartoon cats in dresses skipping and being cute. I found this a tad strange, but i found the inside stranger.

Firstly it said "to our grandaughter" (I'm male) and that Nanny and Grandad hope you have a special 7th birthday. I was 12. Best bit though was that they put my name on the envelope, but my brother's name inside. Gotta love em.

The icing on this cake was the fact that they
(spookyfish, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:43, Reply)

A CD from my mum
entitled: 50 North American Bird songs...

she got it free...

I think It was meant to be a joke present. At least I hope so....
(lard-tastic, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:41, Reply)

Puddles
Last year for my birthday, I was given a puddle. Scooped up in a jar. There was a note tied round it, saying 'don't forget to feed your new puddle!'
Eh?
(Nearly, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:35, Reply)

The worst jumper ever
Why are bad present stories always about grannies? At least in my case...

I was at boarding school for a long time (told you my Dad didn't like us - see previous post below).

Anyway, being an all girl school EVERYTHING was about fashion, hair, nails, make-up, blah blah. Being the '80's it was all hi-tech stuff, shoulder pads, etc.

Anyway, on my birthday there was a big squishy package from my granny. My friends all gathered around for the big opening.

Inside was a home knitted tank top upon which was a painstakenly sewn farm scene, complete with rabbits, sheep, cows, a fence, trees and a cloudy sky.

My friends tried to be really polite and said "Ohhh lovely". I told them all I hated it, but that damn jumper ruined my street cred for years.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:31, Reply)

something one of my people got for xmas quite a while back:
A radio. But not just a normal electrical/battery-operated radio. Oh no.

This radio had a hand crank. It ran off of kinetic energy. It was 1/8, meaning that in order to listen to one minute of music, you had to crank it for eight minutes. No, I haven't got this backwards. So considering that most songs are about three-minutes long...yeah.

This radio also had solar panels.

We talked about it for a while and we figured out that the only use for this radio (besides giving you carpal tunnel syndrome) was listening to it while laying out.

This guy needed a tan in the way that I need an artificial nose extension.

I wouldn'tve believed him about the radio, except that I was at an after-christmas sale at the JCPenney and there, sitting on the table, marked down fifty percent, was the exact radio that my friend had described.
(fantastic german, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:30, Reply)

Can't cut it.
I got a little giveaway wannabe Swiss-like pocket knife from my boss for being a good little monkey. Within an hour I had broken off the corkscrew. It's as sharp as a bowling ball. Quite often, I enjoy extending the blade and slashing it across my wrist as hard as I can, just to freak people out.
(propain, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:22, Reply)

My granny's friend wasn't quite all there.
Every year she'd get me and my sister something..she meant well. Inedible pies. I got a G-rated Disney movie the year i graduated high school. Educational card games. Stuff for kids half our age. The worst was this shirt with a kitten on it, which was #1. too young, #2. too girly, and even if I could get past that...#3. several sizes too small! And yes, she knew how old we were and stuff.

This happened last year. She'd gotten us something in December but my granny kept forgetting to ship it up here to I didn't see it until June. Meanwhile my granny's friend had died in april. I open the package and it's....a pair of socks with little individual spaces for your toes. Which would've been really lame except that I happen to LIKE toe socks. They were really great, and very useful and all. And I couldn't even thank her because she'd *died*, you know. Which made me feel rather bad.
(fantastic german, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:19, Reply)

Very poor taste.
A friend's gran was in hospital suffering from diabetes. The unfortunate old lady had had to have both legs amputated below the knee as a result of the disease.

Anyway, a teenage cousin ahd obviously stopped at the garage on the way to buy her a gift.

Evidently lacking enough IQ to fill a thimble he presented her with a pair of tights and a chocolate bar.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:18, Reply)

Once, twice, three times...
...a lady?

One birthday I was convinced that I wanted new slippers. My feet were cold and slippers were the obvious answer. So I went round dropping 'hints'.
Birthday arrived, and guess what? I got slippers from my parents! Yay!
Also from my aunt and uncle. Yay.
And from the neighbours. Yay?

I learnt my lesson. You'd think...

In my defence, this Christmas I never once mentioned what I would like as a prezzie. So why, tell me WHY, did I deserve not one, not two, but THREE shower radios?

I don't even own a shower, just a bath and crap water pressure :o(


Posting virginity gone, long time reader, first time poster.

PS curses to my 'mate' who signed an e-mail to me today reminding me 'only' 13 weeks till Christmas...
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:18, Reply)

NO funny story assocaited with it..
But my girlfriend of 2 years bought me..... a Bart simpson alarm clock...







I f**king hated the Simpsons then (I quite like them now)

Silly cow
(DrTchock reporting live from the White Chocolate Farm, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:14, Reply)

Granny gets the last laugh
I'm one of those people who's Dad didn't like his first bunch of kids, so decided to 'do a better job' with a new batch.

As a result of this, I have an annoying 11 yr old 'brother'. Most kids love pressies, but this little sod takes the biscuit for demanding behaviour, selfishness and ungratefulness.

When my Gran arrived for a visit after an 8 hour flight, he immediately started harrassing her for gifts before she'd even got her shoes off or a cup of tea.

With a glint in her eye she promised him she'd got him something 'very special' and went into her luggage looking for it.

He arrived back in the kitchen, his eyes close to brimming over, his face a picture of disappointment holding a bag of airline peanuts.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Nice one gran!
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:12, Reply)

Worst present ever...
I was 17, just a couple of months short of my 18th birthday, I went round with my girlfriend of the time to see her gandparents - bless them, they'd bought me a christmas present.

The pressie was duly unwrapped only to reveal - a magnet.

Not even a good, useful powerful magnet. No... this was one of those ones shaped like a large horseshoe magnet but is in fact made out of cheap, thin red plastic with a tiny piece of magnet about quarter of an inch square at either end - it couldn't even pick up a paperclip!
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:08, Reply)

last year i was over for christmas and from him to me there was a big box, the sort of size which could contain a small tv, or a hi-fi or dvd player. i exitedly ripped the paper off (i was not aware of his devilish tricks at this point). i was very pleased to see a playsation 2 box! :D it was a little worn so i thought it was probably just second hand, but never the less it was a playstaion 2 out of the blue!
so i left it for the time being and politly enjoyed the rest of xmas morning with her family. after lunch my girlfriends brother and i were eager to fire up the playstation and play what ever game was inside the box.
although as i opened the box and discovered nothing more than a brick carefully wrapped in lots of newspaper. kevin (my girlfriend's brother) was not as supprised or confused as me, needless to say we were both disappointed. next year i think i'll send her dad a brick, by economy airmail and deliver it straight to his head.
( zanzibar, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:07, Reply)

Let me think
I once received a small bar of guest soap nicked from a hotel, wrapped up in endless boxes and taped so well it took me a good half hour to get at it. It was, of course, a joke.
My dad's side of the family is great. There are so many of us we introduced a "pound present" scheme a few years back. Essentially, you're not allowed to spend more than a pound on anyone's present. Pressies have included extendable plastic dusters, hula hoops (not the crisps, unfortunately), shockingly awful calendars, laminated pictures of scantily clad ladies for the lads (actually, that was probably quite good), a plastic glowing Jesus to stick on a car dashboard... last christmas I brought my boyfriend with me and he got a couple of spare presents (people often lose count of how many they've bought). Needless to say he was very impressed with the bath salts and nail varnish.
We always get very, very pissed though, which I believe is the whole point (Irish catholics... what can I say?)
( useful_idiot, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:51, Reply)

older bro/younger bro
Christmas, got the little bro a big fancy wrapped box. He shook it, sniffed it, weighed it, for days it was under the tree causing him huge intense curiosity. First thing he opened come the day, inside wads of newspaper and at the center of it a really crap yellow and white acrylic bobble hat from the Army and Navy.
(i did put a fiver inside the hat).

Next year with great ceremony he places a perfectly wrapped rectangular object, tiny, about 2 cms long by a cm square, under the tree, for me. I shook it, sniffed it, weighed it in my hand, demanded a clue to what it was, DENIED, causing me great and frustrating curiosity.
Opened first thing on Christmas Day, it was revealed to be a pair of sugar cubes, off British Rail.

And no bloody fiver.
(Man in Japan, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:47, Reply)

The year
My dear old granddad passed away was a confused one at christmas time for my dear old gran, as he was the one that sorted out the presents, a task delegated to him as he still had a grip on reality and understood what kids/teenagers want for christmas. I'm sure you'll agree, a very rare breed of old person.

But anyway, I digress. The christmas following his death I received a card, inside of which was 3 quids worth of vouchers for B&Q.

*sigh*
(BassNinja, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:39, Reply)

plastic smile
is what i had on when my g/f got me a chorizo sausage, a selection of mini cheeses - let me repeat that - mini cheeses, a bar of chocolate and some nuts... for christmas. :/

thanks darling.

she actually wrapped them as well. she gift wrapped me a chorizo.

excuse me while i just go shoot myself.
( fridge_magnet, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:21, Reply)

Glow in the dark paint
..Still got it..
(Pigmash, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:21, Reply)

ungrateful cunts
in my day, i was lucky to get a lump of coal and a clip round the ear. and that was if i'd been good that year...

(worst present was the hardback edition of 'black beauty' from my aunt who also laminated all of our monopoly money)
(sunny chiba, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

Spooge Goggles
When I was in the military, I was roomates with this young lass who was always having crazy sex with her boyfriend that culminated in her getting spooged at in the eye. This would be followed up with a trip to sick call for massive pinkeye infection, whereupon the doctor would sigh and give her some drops. A couple weeks later, the same thing would happen. I tried to talk to her about the finer aspects of oral sex and the need for her to avert her head but apparently she didn't listen.

Somewhere in the midst of all this sexual eye infection problem, there was a big military christmas shindig, all formal and obligatory, with our uniforms all pressed and our commanding officers present. These guys were so stiff I wanted to check them to see if they had a pulse, at they stared at all of us with laser eyes and were followed around by some poor soul who took notes on the festivities.

The best part of the whole damn thing was when we all gathered around so that the enlisted folk (that was me and my peers) could exchange their secret santa gifts.

Imagine my roomate's surprise when she opened her box to discover a pair of laboratory goggles with a big engraved metal tag hanging off of them that said, "SPOOGE GOGGLES".

About 25 enlisted people, in full dress blues, had to run to the bathroom real quick whereupon we all collapsed against the stalls in a fit of hysterical laughter.
(Igneous, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

For me! from Wales , How lovely !
Many, many years ago when mums and aunties used to bring you back presents from the far flung corners of Britain, from their holidays;one particular aunt brought me back a teaspoon with the emblem of Anglesey on the top of the handle !!!!!***** Just the one, not even the f*cking set, what was that all about ?
tight bastard.I did take it many years later to a visiting antiques roadshow, and upon asking "What's it worth ?" THROWING AWAY ,was the reply !!
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:13, Reply)

When I first went out with my g/f...
...it was comming up to my b'day and she went the whole hog and bought us Ozzfest Tickets!!!! WOOOOOOO Sabbath, Hed P.E, SLipknot....she dosent even like metal!!!!

So, 6 months role by and its my turn to buy her a pressie for her b'day. What did i get her?




A butter squash!!



We got married last month..... must have worked ;)
(The Mysterious 5.0, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:12, Reply)

oh...
my parents forgot my birthday two years running, aged 11 and 12.

For my 11th, a cheap plastic bagle was rushed in from the cornershop.

For my 12th, a packet of mints.

I am deeply scarred by this, and will probably marry the next man to randomly hand me my correct change at the newsagents. Any surprise will do...sniff
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:07, Reply)

Thanks Grandma!
My grandmother was an Avon lady when I was a child and, apparently, she was her own best customer. She would buy lip gloss, perfume, talcum powder by the boxload and stick it up in her attic, forgotten. Every year, around Christmas, she would have herself a frantic race around the attic for Christmas presents. I should note that the Attic was not climate controlled and the gifts that I received were usually melted, decomposed into something else, or infested with bugs.

Not to be considered ungenerous, she followed these items up with a yearly gifting of a polyester sweatsuit from goodwill - usually in a color that was blinding and harsh on the eyes: flourescent orange, fushia, neon yello, bright turquoise.

She was also very much into knitting items out of rough yarn (also in weird colors) that were unrecognizable - i.e. too big to be a scarf, too small to be a blanket, i.e. what the hell do I do with it?

For Birthdays she usually goes to the Dollar Store and, instead of buying useful items (household products, food, etc.) she buys god-awful brick-brack, usually with some sort of Christian Message that is meant to be uplifting in a sparkle-spattered gaudy kind of a way: "Hang in there, Jesus Loves YOU!!!".

I won't even get started on the cards that accompany these presents but suffice it to say that one card has enough poorly glued sparkles on it that sparkles can be found in my car at any given time, even up to a year later. Insidious.

But she's my gram, I love her even though she is so very obviously missing a chromosone or two.
(Igneous, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:05, Reply)

last year
I was given, by different 'friends', SIX incense holders in total.

WHY? I'm not an earth mother, teenager OR twat.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:02, Reply)

I had an Aunt and an Uncle....
who lived life like "The Good Life" - totally self sufficient which lead to a somewhat blinkered and completely mislead interpretation of reality. For Easter they'd send Cadbury's Creme Eggs in the post, in normal envelopes. Needless to say the mess that landed went straight in the bin.

An absolute gem of a Christmas present from them, though, was a whole pound of sliced, dried banana "to put on my All Bran". I was five, for fucks sake.
(Log of the Bar, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 16:49, Reply)

A gun rack
A gun rack! I dont even own a gun, no matter a variety of guns that would require a rack! bindun?
(Druss, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 16:46, Reply)

Flashy light.
I bought my mate a flashing Orange light for his birthday. One of those ones you put on your car when you've broken down.

My thought : Drive around like Police Squad with this cool bright orange warning light. Scare people, rush through traffic quicker, etc.

Reality : Got called a number of names by the local Chavs.

Seemed like a practical thing at the time. Got used once.
Also that year, I got him a talking Banzai card. He lives in Sweden and had no idea what it was meant to be. Waste of bloody money.
( Fronkle99, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 16:44, Reply)