God-bothering aunt
God-bothering, self-righteous, political activist, short-arsed primary school teacher and missionary (honestly, I kid you not) aunt.

What sort of present is she going to buy a heathen, drunken, drug-hoovering student nephew? Beer? nope. A CD? Don't be silly? Something practical, Maybe a nice pair of socks? Still no cigar.

A book of Bible Stories.

Ta. No, really....
(doctor sideburns, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 11:15, Reply)

Sent, not received
My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the occasional letter, and Christmas gifts.

One year my mother thought it would be nice to send them a traditional christmas pudding. She went the whole hog, home-made, small silver charms wrapped in paper inside, and the finishing touch of a sprig of holly on the top.

A couple of months later (March, I think) we got a letter from our friends thanking us for the kind gift:

"Thank you for the lovely plant you sent us. We watered it every day but unfortunately it died."
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 11:13, Reply)

Oh, comedy....
Once, not so long ago, my mum asked me if there was anything I might like for christmas.
After ruling out a new car, a house and a balooning holiday in Kazakhstan, I settled on "Yes, actually mum, I'd quite like some comedy. You know, a video, a DVD, someone funny. Eddie Izzard, Jack Dee, maybe The Fast Show... That sort of thing"
Now, in my mum's world, this roughly equates to "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" and "The Goons, series 2".
On bloody audio tape. I hardly knew how to thank her.
I don't own a cassette player, haven't for years.
(doctor sideburns, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 10:40, Reply)

Rubbish Presents
When I left my Saturday job to go to uni I got given a balloon. 3 fucking years there, contributing to numerous leaving gifts, birthday presents, wedding gifts and all I got was a cheap arse helium balloon from bloody Clinton Cards. Tight arsed gits.
(Outatime, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 10:31, Reply)

My dad
gave me a Lionel Ritchie "Greatest Hits" album for Christmas 2 years ago. I was 34.

I looked at him in a strange way and said, "What's this?"

"I thought you liked his stuff."

Why? Why? Since when? When had he ever seen it at our house? Did I ever have it on in the car?

All year afterwards I kept giving it away to charity shops, but my friends thought it always highly amusing to turn up with another copy afterwards in case I was missing it.

It's in the garage at the moment being used to scare away the magpies.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 10:26, Reply)

Xmas 1997
My auntie Lottie was well known in our family for giving seriously crap presents at Xmas.

The year before she died I got a knitted (KNITTED!!) apron. One, it's not the 1950's, two, I never ever cook, three, it was FUCKING KNITTED....

Sx
(Saff, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 10:13, Reply)

Ottowan - Mental Health
Oh and I forgot ... Each year, without fail, my bro and I exchange a 12" Single of Ottowan's D.I.S.C.O., the cover of which has somehow gained a mental health sticker from a charity tin rattler eons ago.
(darfbozo, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 10:02, Reply)

my auntie janet
gave me a leather bumbag as a christmas prezzie.
it wouldnt have been so bad if the christmas in question wasnt 2002.
(magictorch, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 9:44, Reply)

Two of mine and an other
Two very rubbish presents I've recieved and one a mate got

Firslty , from my gran a tooth brush , toothpaste and soap , though I think her later senility was starting them

Secondly , my 19th birthday a mate came round to my parents , totally drunk , with a computer game . Superficially a nice gift, but it was for his type of computer not mine

And lastly a mate got for a leaving present at work a cheap book about the films of Gene Hackman , the sort of book you would buy at a very poor second hand book shop . He had never experssed any interest in either films or Gene Hackman while being at that job.
(Wurple, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 9:43, Reply)

Bad Breath?
Someone once bought me and my sister a toothbrush and tooth paste each for christmas. Not only did that suck, but the tooth brush was a novelty crazy one which was too big to fit into a normal sized mouth, and the paste was that horrible bubble-gum flavoured stuff.
( Paper Tiger, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 9:36, Reply)

Badgers
Actually, thinking back, this was a pretty cool present. I was given, by the aunt & uncle of my then girlfriend, a frames picture of two badgers. They were layered, like, different layers of cardboard on top of each badger to give it a sort of 3D effect.
(skitster, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 9:27, Reply)

Fucking Hi Karate
..in a box set with the soap AND deodorant.

Only found in bootfairs in late 70's/early 80's. Aunty Jean would insist on buying all the boys in the family a pack at Xmas.

For the unintiated, it smelt like Jade Goody's kebab at Glastonbury.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 24 Sep 2004, 9:14, Reply)

The worst thing i ever had ..
was my wife, 5 years of apparent happiness and joy, wasn't till she fucked my best mate and kicked me out that i realised what a shit time i had been having.
( Munky Boy today I am back., Fri 24 Sep 2004, 9:09, Reply)

All things that glitter are not nice...
This will make me seem like an old spoilt brat, but hey-ho:

Last birthday was a big one for me, having made 3zero I was rather happy. My parents had been banging on for months about the pressie they had got me, but due to "complications" of them getting it it, it finally came about a month after my birthday.

Anyways, they turn up for some dinner or such alike and present me with gift. I open it, and I couldn't help myself from laughing. It was a sodding gold sovereign. Not an old one, but a new commemerative one. According to my Mum "It'll be worth a lot more in the future"! Now this was a run of 15,000 for that year, and my birthday was at the end of the year, mine was numbered 2,300ish out of 15,000. So obviously if they couldn't bloody give em away in that year, what will make it's value go up?

Now give 'em their due, my presents up until that point have always been spot on (nice to get a good prerssie at 29), but it had to go. Instead I got a nice wallet, which was I had told them I wanted 3 months prrior to, when asked!

If you knew me, you would wonder what on earth I would have done with the coin. I'm not a flipping chav, and although I lived for a time in Essex, I have no burning desire to have a pikey sovereign ring/chain etc.

Gripes
(thegripesofwrath, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 8:18, Reply)

unfortunately..
this wasn't my present, but a friend of mine. it was his birthday, and that evening, his friends came round for some binge-drinking. ofcourse, they came in through the backdoor, accompanied by the present:

a live sheep with 'happy birthday' spraypainted on its coat...

I hear it tasted quite good.
(radja, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 8:01, Reply)

Singapore Airlines knicknacks
My dad does a lot of flying around Southeast Asia. You'd have thought that we'd all be getting Hmong textiles, tasty Laolao or comedy Papuan penis gourds, but instead we all get cheap wallets and alarm clocks of the type given by Singapore Airlines to their priority passengers.

Mind you, they're also the only people who remember his birthday!
(junglejim, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 7:30, Reply)

nup.
but my B'day is 9 days after christmas!!
(That guy with a hat., Fri 24 Sep 2004, 4:52, Reply)

My mother, bless her
Is notorious for giving out the crappiest presents possible. I'll give you the rundown of the last 5 christmases:

1999: My brother and I receive identical manicure sets. Completely identical. After 5 minutes we couldn't remember whose was whose, nor did we care. I haven't had fingernails since she stopped painting that shit on them at nights.

2000: My brother and I receive identical boot polish kits. re-read above paragraph. I don't buy leather shoes.

2001: Post-it notes. Just the normal, yellow ones. 'nuff said.

2002: She gave us both an IOU for $75, then attempted suicide. Great christmas.

2003: A case of beer. I was actually quite happy with this one.

2004: She's going on a holiday! Thanks Mum, fantastic present!
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 4:44, Reply)

A fucking Bible.
From my aunt. Actually, she sent me a Bible two years in a row. Her subtle way of saying she doesn't approve of her niece being a homosexual atheist.
(BlurOfSerenity, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 4:07, Reply)

I got my dad
chewing gum for christmas once....

There's no punch line. I genuinely thought he liked that chewing gum.
(Jibbed, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 3:11, Reply)

For Christmas...
From my Aunty,

I was given a key ring chain for my car keys... I didn't own a car at the time.

BUT, My sister. She was given some diposable toilet seat covers...

Who the fuck gives disposable toilet seat covers for christmas?
(BurningFeetMan, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 2:58, Reply)

crap presents
My husband is from a moneyed family on the East Coast. They have no idea of appropriate gift giving.

His elderly aunt gave my firstborn a cheapass shoddy rubber squeaky dog toy as a christening present. In her defense, I shall say she is legally blind. The funny part is my kid loved it and still has it.

One year his sister gave us some high end, very expensive COAT HANGERS! I looked throught the rest of the box to find the real present, but nope...

When we were engaged, his mom gave me her grandmother's diamond ring but with a caveat: "When you get divorced, the ring has to stay in the family so give it back." I declined the ring.

Another Christmas his other sister sent us this big exciting box. Upon opening, it proved to be a beautiful, gorgeous, fabulous present for Hubby. I must have had "Where the hell's mine?" on my face, because she earnestly explained that she felt if he was happy, then we would be happy as a couple.

These people have so much money and so little sense.

And when his born-again Christian brother would leave to go home, he would shake everyone's hand and say "See you later" to his mom and one sister who were religious enough for him and "Goodbye" to his Catholic brother. Because after all, if hubby died, he was going straight to hell and Kip would end up in heaven never to see his brother again. Asshole. Cranberrying asshole. I hate him. If we ever have "Berks of the Century" qotw, I have front page stories.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 2:22, Reply)

last year
i got ONE..i must repeat it..ONE roll of Derby County wall paper.I am a Man City fan. My dad fell about laughing. Whats strange is he's a Huddersfield town fan.I never figured out where he got it from. Can't wait till this year.
(Guu Bounce back - With Prozac!!, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 2:15, Reply)

retro crap
My cousins always give me trashy, infantile things for Xmas and bdays.
I tell them I have no room for any knicknacks and they give me stuff that I would have liked when I was 7. Dollhouse furniture, stuffed toys, Xmas decorations (I hate Xmas),
dolls, Avon perfume, you name it.... It's like we're stuck back in the 60's for chris'sakes. If they give me another Precious Moment'esque figurine I'll put a gun to my head!
(OGH, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 1:28, Reply)

My first Christmas in Australia
...and I was staying in a hostel with a load of people that I met while travelling round New Zealand. There were six or seven of us and we all decided to do Secret Santa.

I got a sunhat (which was actually very useful, despite making me look like a sodding tourist) and a pot of jam (which was actually very yummy).

The bloke I had to buy a present for ended up with a spud gun which got confiscated a couple of days later when we tried to go up the AMP Tower.
(squirrelysquirrel, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 0:58, Reply)

once
i recieved a box of dental floss and was told that it was thong underwear for me.

I'm 15 year old male.
(Corn Dog, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 0:44, Reply)

Quite bizarre was our mad nan
I got a clacking machine gun - with some kind of red plastic thing on the end that sparked. My sister got a tea set.

Oh yes - I was 27, she was 25. Nan was fucked - big time.
(drydo, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 0:35, Reply)

My Aunt and Uncle once bought me
a book of aptitude tests. They were too fucking easy.. for a demigod-like genius like myself who does menial tasks in a warehouse for a living.

Another Aunt and uncle (on the advice of my Mum (cheers Mum...you c**t)) bought me a bath towel and flanel for my birthday. I had asked for the Prodigy album (MFTJG), and they were never really ones to disappoint when it came to presents.

Moral of the story? If your Mum asks what you want for your birthday a month in advance, tell her MONEY!
(Grobie, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 0:27, Reply)

my grandparents
have always been particularly crap/selfish at buying presents for my family, and we're always bought things that they can get while on the weekly shop. anything that's buy one get one free is usually a prime candidate for a present. in fact there are so many years of awful presents that it's hard to single any out, but two do come to mind.

the first was for my mum; she received a bottle of talcum powder, for men.

and the other was a gift for my brother; one pack of ready salted crisps, and one pack of chocolate raisins. the thing was that my brother had given up chocolate and had not eaten it for 3 years, a fact that my grandparents were well aware of, so i got to nab the raisins while he ended up with just a packet of crisps.

what always makes it worse is the way that our dad makes us phone them up to thank them for the shite that they've given us.
(el davros, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 0:16, Reply)