I remember all my mates...
...knowing I love small and tacky things to put in my car for comedy value getting me a kinder egg each one year. Nice thought...but I'm highly allergic to white chocolate and have been known to properly spack if i even touch the stuff...

...a fact they had known since, ooh, the whole time i knew them!
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 23:50, Reply)

No present, just a card
My mum turns 40 on Saturday. She divorced my dad last April after running off with some bloke.
The genius that my dad is, saw this card and had to send it to her.

It had a picture of a woman, who was too drunk to stand up on the front, and the writing.

"Get me another drink, he's still too ugly"

utter genius
(acharps, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 23:48, Reply)

My grandparents once got me...
A 4 pack of medium sized Yorkshire Puddings for Christmas one year in my youth. I belive this is because this is the only thing they know I like because I try as hard as I can to avoid any sort of contact with them whatsoever.

The Yorkshire's wree mighty good though with my turkey and gravys.
(Plog, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 23:44, Reply)

My uncle got my sister...
...a lovely brooch fashioned in the shape of a baby seal complete with adorable doe eyes. Made from genuine baby seal it was too.
(druidus, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 23:00, Reply)

My Mate...
Must have drawn the short straw when it comes to stingy relatives.
This one concerns his older brother.

One year, he was curious what said sibling could have got him, for he had noticed him holding a paper bag preciously close behind his back all morning.
He tried so hard to sneak a peek, but his brother didn't allow him a single look inside.
When finally he eagerly came to ask for his present, the bag was whipped out, his brother shoved his hand in, crumpled it around inside-

- and punched him, without modesty, in the face.

Not just the forehead, I mean full-on face.


Still, at least he'd gone to the trouble of getting a bag.
(Turnipton, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:54, Reply)

Goatse Socks...
Socks...Santa Claus...saying "Here's Santa!"...Gripping the edges of a gaping red hole and poking his head through.


*shudder*
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:39, Reply)

For my 21st birthday
my mother gave gave me a copy of "street fighter 2, the animated movie". Given the fact I did not own a VCR at the time, it was not exactly what I had been hoping for. This is one of many shoddy and quite frankly bizare presents she has given me over the years, highlights include a ream of photocoping paper, a hair brush for thick hair (I have very short, thining hair) a book on photography in german and a sack of brown rice. I am thirty next month, they are running a book at work on what I will get.
(epipsa-g, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:32, Reply)

All true...
My dad grew up as one of five kids in Ashton-in-Makerfield near Manc (think Brassed Off, people eating coal, whippets in flat caps, etc.) His family weren't very well off. He also had the misfortune to be born on Boxing Day.

One year when he was about nine, the starry-eyed little boy opens his present on Christmas morning, eagerly unwrapping the paper, fingers trembling with excitement, he pulls out....a glove. A single red knitted glove.

The next day, he opens his birthday present. It was the other glove.

Breaks yer heart, doesn't it?
(jennymnemonic, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:06, Reply)

I generally do pretty well present-wise
But there was that year my aunt bought me a plant "because I like that sort of thing". It was dead. And last christmas she bought me a cheapo (think 99p stores) pink set of hairbrushes. My sister got the same thing, only green.

My other aunt often buys me rather pretty pieces of gold jewelery, which I guess to most people would be a good present - I hate wearing gold and being as I'm a rather punk-ish student living in jeans and t-shirts never wear them.

But I think overall the crappest present has to be my Valentine's Day gift. I'd only been with my fella just over a month by this point, so didn't want to spend too much and told him to do the same. I spent about a tenner on a really nice AC/DC picture vinyl (he is an AC/DC obsessive but also a poor student so doesn't often buy vinyls) and took him out for a meal. He bought me a data cable for my phone. Nowt else - not even a card. Mr. Romantic.
(sanity challenged, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:01, Reply)

Back at secondary school
Our vicar always told us the story of one birthday, where he got one thing from his parents- a round box. It was Dairylee. He almost cried, but when he opened that there was a note on top saying go downstairs where there was a new bike. He was chuffed :D

I got a tea towel from my great aunt, it was one of a range of bad ones, similar to the others posted. Her heart's in the right place though.
( Whillow, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 21:45, Reply)

My gran was a country music nut
and on my 5th birthday she gave me a line dancing tape called "Doin' it - Country style". I thought it was shit until I and a friend where going through some old stuff of mine a few years ago and found it, and consequently laughed our asses off. We watched it just to make fun of the dancer's mullets.
(HaMM, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 21:38, Reply)

socks
with fucking bastard snowmen on them.
(spamjavelin, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 21:24, Reply)

Brithday Present
For my 5th birthday, my mum decided it was time I had a party, so I invited all my "friends" round to my house for the party.

When the suckas turned up nearly everyone of them about, 12 people had the same remote control car present for me.
It wasnt even a good remote control car, im sure they must have been on sale for being defective or something!
10 remote control cars for my b.day
(Cowabunga, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 21:17, Reply)

Oh, I can think of two!
Fisrt, A great Auntie sent me sellotape (...)

Secondly, my (senile) grandparents send me a book called 'knitting with dog hair'. No joke, it's actually a book about how to knit with dog hair. I don't have a dog, they know this. I don't even LIKE dogs, they also know this. I can't knit and have no interest in knitting, yes, they also know this. I don't think they like me very much...
(Pixel, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 21:14, Reply)

Worst christmas ever...
my brother got an N64 the lucky bastard. Guess what I got??? Not one, but TWO educational cd roms (one science, one maths). Apparently they were very expensive. I smashed them in anger, and singlehandedly destroyed christmas. Of course I blame my dad.
( Grundlebiscuit, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 21:09, Reply)

Last Christmas
Last Christmas my brother gave me a squeaky plastic dog toy as a present. It wasn't a joke - he thought it was a money box, at least that's what he said when my dad had a go at him for being cheap and stupid. I've seen some really good ideas for my revenge on here...

Also, my grandma once got me a folding stool for my birthday, you know, the kind old people take on picnics so they don't hurt their backs trying to sit on the ground. I was about 14 and I was gutted.
(SillyWilly, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:56, Reply)

Teh Quo
About ten years ago I used to hang around on a MUG called IOWA - Input/Output World of Adventures. I'd play a game called Prodigy with a bunch of other nutters, and we ended up getting on really well.

I really can't remember how this happened, but one time we ended up talking about Status Quo and I can remember joking about them.

Fast forward to a month later when the matriach of the game tells a few close friends that she has a surprise present for us. Two weeks later I raced home from Cardiff - weekend away meeting some friends - and met up with everyone at Wembley tube station.

I asked what the present was, only to be told to wait. We walked up the road and turned the corner to be greeted with the sight of Wembley Arena covered with huge posters of Status Quo at their rockin' best.

I couldn't beleive my eyes.

We wandered in and took our seats, surrounded by Quo fans, several of whom had blow up guitars. The warm up act came and went and the stars of the show came on. They rocked it for a while, and I fell asleep in my seat because the trip back from Wales was very tiring.

I was so freaked out by the present of a Quo Concert. I didn't really know how to react. I mumbled a thanks at the end and raced off to the tube station.

I got to Liverpool Street to find that the last train to Harlow had gone, so I dove back on the Central Line to Epping. The tube stopped at Theydon Bois or somewhere else in the middle of nowhere. I had to get a cab to take me to an ATM in Epping to clean out my bank account so I pay for the cab back to Harlow.

That ticked me off, so I ranted on the MUG, and the lady who arranged the trip didn't talk to me for two months. Heh. I did later apologise for being such a tosser after she arranged it all thinking we were total Quo fans...
(kiwanotree Meh, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:54, Reply)

Returning from holiday in Benidorm...
...my parents presented me with a lighter (I don't smoke) shaped like a double-bass. 8 inches tall, plastic, quite weighty. On sparking it up, lights would flash and it would play (or rather beep) 'Happy Birthday' (not the Stevie Wonder or Altered Images version!) twice.

Loudly.

Very loudly.

To light a cigarette takes what? A second of flame? The tune would last 25 seconds because once it started playing, it would continue until it had finished.

Maybe the cool crisp smoke takes your mind off the audio assault coming from the lighter, but as I don't smoke (I'll start when I'm older and more bad tempered), I had to tuck into the duty-free JD that they'd also bought me.

Admittedly, I did ask them to bring me the tackiest piece of tat they could find. I tip my hat to them!
(Green-Alsatian, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:37, Reply)

well my brother who went to australia
brought me back a charming little purse with the australian country outline embroided on it. i thought it was leather till i read the back. 'a kangaroo's bollock pouch'. or words to that effect. yes thats right, he gave me a ball bag...
( Cashy, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:34, Reply)

Odd
My aunt sent me a nice wooden box filled with golf balls :|
(GiveMeMyLiverBack, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:32, Reply)

Why tie?
I was over in Australia sitting on beaches and eating crazy cakes from a place called Nimbin. With all this in mind my parents decided to send me over a tie for xmas. I didn't own a shirt to facilitate this item of clothing, nor would I have any need to wear one if i did.

Also they bought me a juggling kit one xmas. I hate juggling/jugglers because they are smug cunts. Actually maybe that is a reason to take it up?

Cheers parents, you have your finger on the dial.
(manky dog, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:27, Reply)

For Christmas a couple of years ago
my older brother bought me an enourmous book (which if the rrp is to be belived for £24.99) on Equestrian Vaulting. It showed in great detail the right and wrong way to jump on and off horses.


I have never been near a horse in my life.
(GreasyChipButty, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:26, Reply)

Birthday in the clouds
We were on holiday in South Africa on my 11th Birthday and were due to get an internal flight from Johannesburg to Cape Town.

Disaster struck, however, as the flight got delayed... indefinitely!!!

After about 6 hours sitting in that cesspit of an airport (by which time it was about 2'o'clock at night and nothing was open), the manager from the airline came down to apologise. My mum mentioned it was my birthday that day, so the guy promised me that he would come back and give me a present - Customer relations and all that.

Anyhow, about half an hour later, the man returned, handed me a small, rectangular box with a picture of an aeroplane on the front! I was very polite though, and thanked the man for the thoughtful gesture. He left to get on with his job (badly), and I excitedly opened my gift, wondering what was inside!

Could it be a model aeroplane? - It would be slightly ironic, but at least it might pass the time!
Could it be free tickets for another holiday? the least I would expect after being treated so badly.

Alas, no. When I opened the box, I looked inside and saw...




Nothing.

That BASTARD had given me an EMPTY BOX for my birthday! An EMPTY FUCKING BOX with a picture of the FUCKING AEROPLANE we should have been on 6 HOURS AGO!

And to top it all off, we had to wait 10 hours in total for the flight.

Great Birthday.
(tom_m525, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:19, Reply)

I Don't Think My Gran Likes Me
Bombay Mix. Nuff said
(cedricroussell, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:39, Reply)

I was actually
mildly disappointed when I ceased receiving an annual toothbrush and packet of socks from my mother, though to be fair I had ceased being skint and studenty and could therefore get my own toothbrush whenever I required.
Worst present probably this little plastic ball-bearing-based key-ring game thing (tip it about to get the ball in the hole) from my second cousins and great-grandmother when I was about eleven. This was made slightly more annoying by having to write a sincere-sounding thank you letter AND being complained at for initially writing (perfectly innocently) "...although it was the smallest gift I received I shall use it often..." or somesuch shite.
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:31, Reply)

One of my mothers boyfriends...
...once got her an oinking faucet head that was shaped like a pig. I thought it was absolutely hilarious at the time, she wasn't so amused. That didn't stop me from installing it.

That same year, my mom got me a tie that had all sorts of computer paraphenelia on it - It was a horrendous color scheme to begin with, and on top of that it had nice comic sans lettering strewn about randomly saying things like "modem" and "data."

My favorite crap gift, which was intentional, was from my Brother, who got me a pop-up book on global warming. You could pull a tab and watch a worker club a seal - Great stuff. I still prominently display it to this day.

I've made it a bit of a personal tradition to give at least one crap gift to everyone, but this is always made up for with an actual good gift or two. My favorite was getting my sister-in-law a teletubby figure, as she was quite repulsed by them. Of course, it helps if you place it in an incredibly delicate box.

And finally, I've given my Mom a Sean Connery biography over and over again... It's kind of a running joke. I've actually been planning on re-wrapping and giving it to her again this year, as it's been long enough that she has probably forgotten again.
(mysticmcj, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:14, Reply)

Hydroponic Christmas Shopping
Went Christmas shopping several years back while highly annihilated on a potent strain of smoke. After sitting in my car for about fifteen minutes contemplating the state of my dashboard, I went in to the store to go shopping. I, in my mentally devastated state, purchased the following items for various members of my family:

Dad: Bag of Marbles. I thought this was hilarious and laughed in the toy aisle for a while until I got paranoid I was going to be kicked out. I should note that my Dad is an engineer who smiles about once a month and listens to opera for fun. He was baffled by my gift. And, the next day, so was I.

Sister: A fake leather shirt, two sizes too small and with a big bow on it. Note: Sister is a tomboy and likes t-shirts.

Other Sister: One of those pillows you use in bed to prop yourself up while reading. It was bright blue with an awful courdoroy pattern - nice & stiff, guaranteed to give someone instant backache.

Boyfriend: A Teakettle from a Second Hand Store. It was copper . . . at one time. When I bought it, it was grey and smelled like mold inside. When my boyfriend looked at me, confused, I yelled, "BUT IT HAS A PATINA!!!!"
(Igneous, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:08, Reply)

Ooh and once
me & brothers gave my dad a peanut for his birthday, wrapped in so many layers & boxes that the entire thing was in a telly-sized box.
( valley, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:02, Reply)

I stayed for christmas at my aunts/uncle's house.
I hadn't met her parents before so it was tricky getting a present, but I gave it some thought and got them some v.posh chocs.

They gave me a packet of skin-colour pop socks (guys, that's v.v.v.v.short stockings to you).

Unfortunately, upon being asked if I wore such things (I didn't), I did that thing where you just say "no" when you mean "no don't worry about that, it's fine" - was the second best deadly hush I've created (the best was when I intimated to sometime friends, dead pan, that my boyfriend was my half-brother, heh suckers).
( valley, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:01, Reply)

For my Mum's last birthday,
My little brother (10) got her a card.

It read "Because you've been like a mother to me..."

Well i thought it was funny.
( Delete Me, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:54, Reply)