Selfish theoretical mathematicians.
Only ever thinking about number one.
(Haywood Manley, Sat 29 May 2010, 9:18, Reply)

window cleaners
i dont like people looking through my windows
(wreckedangle i've come about the reaping.., Sat 29 May 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Doctors
asking for a urine sample.

They're taking the piss.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 29 May 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Bookies and their 'heavies'
Or, to be more precise, Insurance companies and Loss Adjusters.

Insurers.

However you dress it up with suits, posh offices 'the traditions of Lloyds of London' - you're a bunch of bookies with less honesty and integrity about your business than Shonky Dave who takes bets in your local. At least when Dave loses he pays up.
Actuarial tables? = Odds! You take money from your punters - sorry, clients - gambling that a specific event will NOT occur. You get your punters to pay every year/month to keep this bet going and, in the event you lose the bet, you try your best NOT to pay up! Can you imagine what would happen if Shonky Dave tried that? He'd be fucking lynched! But you? You get the second lowest form of life on the planet - 'Loss adjusters' - to do their damndest (and they ARE all damned)to get the punter to either drop the claim or take less money than you promised on your betting slip, sorry, that's 'insurance policy document'.

Loss Adjusters

Utter utter cunts, the lot of them. If I was paid on commission to cheat, lie, threaten, prevaricate, intimidate or use any other method to make a punter not claim the full amount promised on a betting slip - I'd be vilified and probably arrested. But Loss Adjusters? Thy're 'just doing their job' of protecting their bookies from paying what they promised and fucking charged through the nose for.
Over the years, the insurance industry has covered itself with a veneer of respectability and probity. That veneer is microscopically thin. Underneath it you're shysters and thieves who'll take money and not pay what's promised when you lose.

Thinking about it, Shonky Dave has more integrity in his shite than the whole lying cheating slimy bunch of you. Die soon you scumbags.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 29 May 2010, 8:57, 5 replies)

Those CUNTS at the child support agency
amongst others.It would appear that the primary criteria to be employed at the CSA office is that you must be a single mother, preferably divorced, with nazi-like feminist views on the male population.
Perhaps there is something wrong with me, but I cannot fathom just how it is good practise to forcibly take money from one parent to give to another who refuses to work, yet cries poor to all and sundry.
In my case currently, my daughter now lives with me, and I still have to pay her mother because of small (CSA) debt, while she pays nothing. CSA staff quite openly state that they will not pursue her for payment (the reality is the small sum would just come off my debt, she would not be out of pocket),then tell me that if the situation were reversed, that they would not hesitate to seize goods and property to make amends. Fuck the politicians who legislated such vile tripe, and Fuck the CSA workers who go out of their way to be cunts.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Sat 29 May 2010, 5:02, 9 replies)

Thank god they're only around for a short time each year.
Over on this side of the globe at Christmas time we have people outside the stores collecting change for the Salvation Army. Invariably this consists of someone with a red kettle on a tripod, wearing the Salvation Army vest and clattering a brass bell. You can hear the fuckers from a quarter mile away over the noise of traffic. I generally refer to them as the Hell's Bells.

Once I came out of a local store and found one of these people set up outside, but instead of a bell he had a trumpet with a mute and was gently playing carols. I stepped close behind him and said "Thank you for not ringing a damn bell" and made sure he saw the $10 bill I stuck in the kettle. He faltered for a moment, then played with renewed vigor.

Only time I've ever donated to one of them.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 29 May 2010, 4:35, Reply)

Not really a profession, they're volunteers
The people who get me the most are the ones who do recruitment for the Jehovah Witness Church. I hold nothing against their religion except that they violate my "I don't tell you why I think you're a twat for what you believe in, you don't pester me about what I don't believe in" policy. For those who've never had the pleasure, they're one of many Protestant groups that started in the US that require their followers to do missionary work. For most of these churches, missionary work entails going to Africa or Asia or somewhere, helping out the locals a little and trying to convert them. For this group, it means knocking on my door 8AM of a Saturday morning and telling me why I'm going to hell, and how joining them and giving lots of money to their church might help me not go to hell. They don't even give you the typical, "join us and it's a sure thing," no. I've been told heaven only has so much space, and places there are at a premium, so only the best get in.

They used to come round all the time, but I started telling them I was part of a bisexual commune that worshipped Charles Darwin, and I've not seen them for a couple years. And on the off chance that there are some members of the church browsing b3ta (this is really probably quite the odd chance), I've got nothing against your church, I just don't want people waking me up asking me to join. Leave me be on my days off, or if you must come round, make at a reasonable hour. After noon, I don't really care if you waste 30 minutes of my time.
( Ithyphallophobia, Sat 29 May 2010, 3:35, 2 replies)

Telemarketers
True Story:

Somewhere about 1998, I was living in the Albany, NY area. Small metro area, a couple of small cities (Albany, Troy, Saratoga, Schenectady). Now each of these burgs has its own newspaper. In such an area, it is a fierce business, as each subscription means a lot than say, the New York Times.

(wavy lines)

One evening at approximately 8:30, I received a cold call from a telemarketer, from the Troy Record, asking if I would like to get the daily paper delivered for a low low price.

I was polite, No, I appreicate it, no thanks.

Most people would say thanks... and hang up.

Not this guy.

Well you know sir, The Record has the best sports section in the region...

Still Im not biting, I'm sure it does... Sorry not interested.

Well Sir, did you know that the Sunday Record has over $100 in coupon Savings?

Thats great, but still Im not interested..

Sir, did you know that the subcription to the Record can be yours for the low price of (some really ridiculous price).

Sorry I'm not interesteed.

Sir how Can i get you to subscribe?

I said you cant.

(Cue drumroll)

Why not?

Cause Im blind, and I cannot read the paper.

Dead silence, and I never had another telemarketer for a newspaper while I lived there again.

(For the record, Im not blind, but it was a lot of fun screwing with the telemarketer).
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sat 29 May 2010, 3:16, 5 replies)

Celeb beauty editors and Journo's
Just No!
A more retarded bunch of self important whores and degenerates I have never had the misfortune of dealing with
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Sat 29 May 2010, 2:19, Reply)

Call center agent
I am one. I do want to help you, sir. Really. Unfortunatly, my policy keeps me from doing this the 'ethical' way. I promise I'm not a heartless asshole...I simply have to do what I am paid to.
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Sat 29 May 2010, 1:43, Reply)

Butlers that have lost their left arm in an accident
serves 'em right
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 29 May 2010, 1:07, 3 replies)

My least favourite profession? Authors.
Specifically, skiffy and fantasy authors.

More specifically, talented skiffy and fantasy authors.

With exponentially increasing specificality, incredibly talented etc.

With laser precision, Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, China Mieville, Iain Banks (the 'M' is silent), Sergei Lukyanenko and probably Neil Gaiman again.

I've been trying to writemake a wordbook for some time now, and the twin challenges of a) not writing like my favourite authors and b) writing anything near as well as them are doing my nut. Anyone else ever feel insignificant?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sat 29 May 2010, 1:01, 10 replies)

Cold callers
Combining last weeks & this weeks QOTW, I have read a lot about cold callers, this might help. Advice I have been given (but never used of course).

First be polite, ask the callers name and thank them for the call (mild surprise for them) listen to what they are saying and ask a few reasonable questions (they wet their lips) , remember be polite - even friendly if you can.

Now express interest in the product or service on offer (caller now sees $), at this point you ask if the caller uses the product themself, this is the turning point - you should try to engage in a conversation, even for a moment (slight confusion but still seeing $). Now say " I bet you have a hard job, calling strangers and having them be rude". Wait for them to get things back on track then say "I'm naked right now... what color eyes do you have?"

Job done. Welcome to the blacklist.
(cname, Fri 28 May 2010, 23:35, 6 replies)

I bitched about this in reply to some poor soul
So you are getting it for real this time, while I vent my spleen, sat in bed fucking ill again and doped up on paracetamol and codeine.

I have a great Doctor, he is shit hot and talks to me as a human being. He is honest, reliable and when I am crap, he fixes it. I need pain killers, he gives me the script. I need hormones, he gives me the script. I had a box fall on my head at work, he sent me to physiotherapy. The guy really knows his shit and like me he is a biker and he rides a Ducati, the guy is not only a great Doctor, he is fucking cool. Were he not my Doctor, he would be a good person to have as a mate.

So why the fuck does the sixteen year old counter assistant in the Chemist think that she knows more about my drugs than my well fucking qualified Doctor?

I developed a nasty sinus infection, that caused a pain in my head so bad, I though I had a brain tumor. My Doctor laughed when I said that and agreed that yes, I had a sinus infection. He gave me a script for antibiotics and told me to get some paracetamol.

I wandered to the chemist and presented said script and asked for the pain killers. The head ache was so bad, I could barely see. The teenage twat behind the counter wants to know if I have used paracetamol before? She then asks me if I am on any other meds. Yes I am. What are they for? The chemist's shop is full of badly dressed, barely human drug addicts. I do not want to discuss my very personal medical history with a spotty faced child who has just started her first job, but thinks she knows it all. When I do not want to tell her what my drugs are, she does not want to give me my script or my paracetamol. My meds are fucking personal and not something I want shared with the sub human life forms who are now watching intently in case I have some thing they can rob!

It was not just me she gave the third degree to, oh no. Stood in front of me is the pensioner who went in for her heart pills and arthritis meds and got the same treatment. This woman retired before the counter girl was born, she was fully aware of who she was, she did not need a chav in an apron and a name badge demanding to know her medical history. She walked out in much the same way that I was about to.

The counter girl with held my meds and pain killers until I gave her an answer. "I have been a long term pain sufferer for years, I was on meds to keep my bones from crumbling and my head sane since before you were in secondary school!" She sort of crumpled, I was pissed off, in fuck loads of pain and wanted my drugs that I had paid for.

Yes, those fucking stupid counter assistants in the chemist. "Oh let me just check that with the Pharmacist... Ooh, I can't sell you two boxes of paracetamol, you might die!"

For fucks sake, I am an adult. If I want to buy two boxes of paracetamol then I fucking well will. I can get less hassle in the super market buying pain killers. You undereducated, poorly skilled little arse monkey. If you can't help me then fuck off and let me talk to a real fucking chemist, one who went to the same fucking type of university as me and spent his/her study periods recovering from alcoholic poisoning.

I really fucking hate them, the little cunts.

Mind you, I had a great Pharmacist a while back whose name was Susan. She was brilliant and helped me get off nasty Neuropathic painkillers and onto a different treatment regime that worked for a while. She was fucking ace and very well qualified though and at no time did she say "have you taken paracetamol before?"
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 28 May 2010, 22:56, 13 replies)

Oil prospectors
They're just boring
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 28 May 2010, 22:56, 5 replies)

Teaching
I am a teacher......

All girls school

11-18 year olds

Amazing what stories they will share with you about what they did with boyfriend or for those who are liberated, boyfriends, and we have 3 lezzer couples who love telling all.....

I've now got a week off........and no wanking material!!!
(simoni210277, Fri 28 May 2010, 22:15, 27 replies)

Dishwasher with a bra full of food
The worst three weeks of my life were spent "on the line" in my college cafeteria dishwasher room (I was hired as a food server, but a last minute change moved me into Hell Central). My job: As dirty food trays entered the dishwasher room on a conveyor belt, I cleared the trash (partially eaten food, used paper products, unidentifiable muck) and placed the used trays, dishes, etc. in the appropriate racks to run through the huge automatic dishwashers. Some of the racks were taller than I, so I had to reach over my head to place filthy, dripping dishes in them. Within five minutes, I would have liquids and semi-solids running down the entire length of my body. Within 15 minutes, I'd be soaked to the skin. The room was always a very steamy 100+ degrees (Fahrenheit). I often didn't have time between the end of my work shift and my next class to run back home to shower, which did little to enhance my academic and social lives. This job ended up improving my health because I was using the money primarily to buy cigarettes; however, the job was so awful I decided to quit, even though it meant I had to give up smoking. I still get cigarette cravings, but nothing kills them like the memory of my armpits and bra being loaded with macaroni & cheese, chocolate milk and someone else's saliva.
(bunnybutt, Fri 28 May 2010, 22:13, 3 replies)

I don't hate any profession.
Even the ones that get the most grief - Bailiff, Trafic-warden, cold-caller, and so on.
Chances are they're somebody doing whatever they can to put food on the table. Seems reasonable to me. The ones who are twats about it would be twats regardless.
The folk I reserve my bile for, however, are whoever is up the food chain laying down the rules. As in "I know, we can squeeze out more profit by routing all phone calls to Mumbai, forcing staff to get (x) amount of cold calls per day and promoting the most cold-eyed, mercenary bullies we can find." Or "Let's pressure junior doctors to work themselves into an ulcer. It's character forming." Or "The dividend is only going to be 5% more than last year. Let's lay off some staff."
If that's you then you are human filth. Fuck you with AIDS.
(Big D, Fri 28 May 2010, 21:39, 9 replies)

Cunts on B3TA talk board.
enough is enough.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 28 May 2010, 21:27, 39 replies)

genetic entreprenuer craig venter
get a life
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 21:05, 2 replies)

Charity Muggers
I mean, cold callers you can hang up on, these pricks are waiting for you outside Argos... Is it even a real job? Just some middle class wanker, still got their hair braided from that trip to India daddy paid for, think they're saving the world by following you to the cash point JUST FUCK OFF BACK TO CAMBRIDGESHIRE THE LOT OF YOU
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Fri 28 May 2010, 21:03, 4 replies)

macular degenarists
never see the point
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 21:02, Reply)

Doctors who don't give a flying monkeys left bollock.
Such as dear Dr. A. down at my local surgery. Luckily, he isn't mine (I have the hippy woman with hair down to her waist), but he is my mothers, and seeing as though she always seems to have another health problem on the go, she should really be on a first name basis with him.
Let me delight you with but a few of Dr. A's delightful quotes.

Mum: "I've got a kind of lump in my stomach, you can feel it from the outside, it's really weird and I've been throwing up a lot."
Dr. A. "Are you sure it's not fat?"

Now bearing in mind that my mother is a 52 year old woman who whilst on the curvy side for most of her life, isn't a complete window-licker. As she later said, "I'm pretty sure I know what my own fucking fat feels like." (Turned out she had a massive hiatus hernia in her stomach.)

Mum (on another trip to the doctors): "I've got a bump on my head, and it's growing. I haven't hit it on anything, and it feels all wobbly inside it."
Dr. A "You must have hit it, it's just a bruise."

(Turned out to be a cyst on top of her head that exploded one night... it wasn't pretty..)

So this doctor and my mother have been unspoken enemies from Fatgate till this very day.
On the plus side, he's more than happy to sign any form of sick-note that comes his way, which working for RBS is pretty handy.
(pinkpunkpython is skinning up, Fri 28 May 2010, 20:07, 1 reply)

People who post shit joke on the QOTW
Just fuck off no one cares about your literary abortion which is your attempt at a joke
(Elfking, Fri 28 May 2010, 19:55, 9 replies)

Bovine artificial inseminators.
Wankers.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 28 May 2010, 19:48, Reply)

Formula 1 Racers
Drive me crazy
(opiska, Fri 28 May 2010, 19:44, Reply)

lazy astronomers
spending all their time staring into space
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Fri 28 May 2010, 19:31, 1 reply)

weather forecasters
head in the clouds
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 19:10, 3 replies)

radiologists
they see through you, every time
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 19:08, Reply)

bad calligraphers
never get it write
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 18:59, Reply)