"This did not sit well with me" & "The red mist descended"
This qotw is going to be a terrible waste of time if somebody doesn't use those words in an incredible tale of geek versus bully.
Hopefully with a few flying karate kicks chucked in for good measure.

Oh wait... we have red mist
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:49, 5 replies)

Kneel Before Rob
My parents hated me. Hated me so much they packed me off to a provincial boarding school, just so they could live their gin-soaked lives without the headache of raising a child. For a long time I despised them for it - but slowly I came to realise that those long, lonely hours spent away from home made me into the man I am today. In fact, I can point to one particular incident at school which helped forge my character for life. It was the day I finally held my ground, stood up and was counted.

One of my dorm-mates was an intolerable little runt called Gary. A stick thin, weedy streak of piss but possessed of a certain aura that allowed to form a gang of weaker minded boys. Gary and his gang thought they ruled the roost. For some reason I was never asked to join Gary's Gang - despite the fact they charged round the playground chanting, 'Wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang? Do you wanna be in my gang? My gang!' appropriating the lyrics of one of my favourite popstars.

Gary's Gang had a pretty devious modus operandi. They'd scout ahead for a teacher doing the rounds, then race back to find a victim. The poor sod they'd pick on was then goaded into losing it - right at the moment the teacher arrived, ensuring some innocent little kid was dragged off to see the head, having done nothing to deserve it. One day it was my turn. Gary's crew arrived and the man himself threw a punch. It connected with quite cleanly with my face - but I didn't flinch, I simply looked him square in the eyes and snarled, 'You and me. After school. Tennis Courts.'

Gary backed off and for the rest of the day I built myself up into a boiling, frenzied fury. I would show him. I would teach Gary and his Gang a lesson they'd never forget. They'd wish they'd never crossed me. Lessons ended and I headed over to the courts. The Gang were all there, standing in a perfect circle with King Gary at the centre. Showing no fear I bowled through the crowd and took up my position, legs apart, arms raised, like the prized pugilist I was.

Fight! Fight! Fight! The crowd chanted. And boy were they going to get one. Gary came flailing towards me, I ducked his first blow, neatly stepped aside from his second. And then it happened. Gary tripped on his laces and fell face down in front of me. The red mist descended and I saw my opening. Filled with bitter hatred and venom, I stood over the distraught Gary and pulled my school tie off. Then, I ripped open my shirt, buttons flying everywhere and torso gleaming I bent over him and growled, 'KNEEL.BEFORE.ROB'

My adrenaline levels were flying, I was in the zone. I kicked off my shoes. I hauled down my trousers, hurling them in a fit of fury into the crowd. Then as the red mist descended further, I yanked off my y-fronts and stood over Gary in nothing but my dirty, stained white socks. I could see the fear in his eyes as he looked up at me, silently begging for mercy. Even his acolytes began to back away. Slowly and deliberately I held my greasy cock and began to empty my foul smelling, boiling-piss all over the skinny runt.

Oh how I laughed. Tears of joy ran down my face as streams of urine ran down his. The crowd stared open-mouthed, they could not believe what they were seeing. The mighty was Gary vanquished. Gary managed to scrabble away and he ran screaming to the dorms. I spun round in my majestic nakedness, arms aloft shouting to the heavens. Victory! Victory is mine!

The Gang never bothered me again. In fact, nobody did. I could walk through the playground like a God. Kids avoided me. They'd get up and leave when I sat down to eat. They were too frightened to pick me for their teams. They'd run out the showers when I entered. I can honestly say not one soul came within 10m of me for the rest of my time at school. They were far too afraid.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:45, 10 replies)

My name is Gary and I am furious that the gobshite Rob is telling porky pies about what
happened at school. Rob was the school cum dump and that was the reason I taunted him a little fact that he seems to have missed out in his narration. The truth is I did punch him but not in the face in his anus. I introduced him to punch fucking and he loved it. I hear though that he now suffers from dribbly shit.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:06, 1 reply)

Pure Flurry
Back when I was a lad there was a seasonal boat/raft race down the river for a good 20 miles and took all day. Briefly they made pontoons out of floating rubbish and paddled downstream, all for charity. Being the sport I was I sometimes followed them downstream and sadistically would hide on the river bank, fill my Blumells bike pump with water and jet this at the boats. Impressively this could direct a plume of about 30ft for 5 seconds - plenty of them got a soaking. One guy had a dowsing and decided (quite rightly) that I had to be taught a lesson. No doubt intent on giving me a bruising & dunking and possessed with all the strength that utter rage gives, he rushed toward me from off the boat and when he was about 10ft away slipped on the large stones in the shallows. I ran for it but he was unable to chase anymore due to the fall, very painful. I still feel bad about this now and then.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 11:48, 3 replies)

You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 11:24, 9 replies)

Once night I took one for the team.
I was playing wingman for a mate and at the end of the night the 4 of us ended up back at the house he was flat sharing with. He went up to his room with the cutie he'd bagged and I ended up keeping her moose of a mate distracted.

After she'd had half a joint I was about to make my move when she unceremoniously threw up all over the floor. In her distressed state she just wanted her mate so she stumbled up the stairs to the room in which my mate was about to scuttle fit bird.
I followed to try and stop her from spoiling my his fun and half way up the stairs I heard cursing from below followed by one of his pissed up flatmates bounding up the stairs,"Your bird has eaten my food!"

*thwack* as his pissed up haymaker of a punch connected firmly with the boniest part of my forehead.

A firm shove and he was bouncing backwards down the stairs on his arse to land in a crumpled heap.

Hearing the disturbance my mate and his conquest emerged half dressed to survey the carnage. "You'd better all leave." he said. His girl even asked whether they could finish what they'd only just started but he wasn't having any of it.

We all left. I presume he had a wank instead. I know I did.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 10:19, Reply)

I was cross with some rebels so I blew up a planet or something.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 10:05, 7 replies)

Pure furry,
I became quite angry when I stumbled upon two anthropomorphic animal fetishists in the local playground. One was supposed to be a tiger and the other a Great Dane. They were doing it anal doggy style and seemed unconcerned that innocent kiddies were watching their acrylic clad fucking. Of course I did what any sensible adult with a camera phone would do and got some great snaps in order to sell to furry fetish web sites. I was really angry because apparently the web site would only "pay per fucking click" - wankers.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 9:58, 1 reply)

All I needed was a punch in the face!
I went to school with a bloke called Gary. Gary was a bully and took great delight in bullying me in many ways from year 7 thru to year 10 (when he got expelled for lighting a fire in the blokes toilet at a local shopping centre).
I could bore you with the myriad of ways Gary chose to try and make my life miserable. But I won't. I learnt very quickly to ignore him and just walk on by rather than engaging him in whatever little scheme he'd dreamed up. See, despite his small, skinny stature Gary was a master manipulator, using less savvy people to his own devices and often engineering situations as best he could to ensure the best possible outcome for himself. Often to the detriment of others.
I certainly wasn't the only one of Gary's victims but as I said by watching him at work on others I quickly learned to keep quiet and avoid confrontation. One of Gary's favourite ploys was to observe a teacher approaching out of your sight. He would then bound up to you and goad you with the worst he had on you. Of course as soon as you reacted - lo and behold said teacher would stroll around the corner walking into a snarling you holding Gary roughly by the lapels (he wasn't a big fella by any stretch).
Annnnd of course Gary would be all 'butter wouldn't melt' and you'd end up being the one to get in trouble. If that didn't work Gary had a small group of minions who would run and get a teacher, dob you in for harassing Gary and.... well you get the gist.

Anyhoo.
One day I'm strolling down the corridor and I see Gary picking on some year 8 kid. The knot of look-see-lous and Gary's entourage have blocked the pathway so I gently try to push thru. To be met by Gary, who promptly out of nowhere punches me in the face. Now I'm not someone who likes pain or confrontation and having been in a few 'serious' fights I can honestly say - I'd been hit harder on the arm by sports team-mates after a game than what Gary had served up. As I have said he really wasn't built for being a hard man bully. I sort of shook my head and wondered what had landed on my top lip. Then it hit me and I saw RED. But I did manage to retain self control. Gary took a second swing which I easily dodged. Now things were difficult. Gary had clearly taken 2 of his best shots and I apparently had barely noticed. Knowing better than to grab him I snarled at Gary with the first thing that came to my mind - "I'll fight you after school at the tennis courts." It was winter so the courts weren't being used and they were suitably shielded from prying teacher's eyes.

Oh god, what the fuck had I done!

I meandered down to the tennis courts after school and found a small group of Gary's cronies and few other blokes there just to watch the fight. Maybe 20 odd boys all simmering, ready to form a mob and chant "FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT!".
And we stand around. Waiting.
After about 15 min it becomes clear that Gary is a no show. The crowd disperses grumbling and I stroll up to the boarding house.

The next day I come across Gary in class. I say nothing but one of his weasley lieutenants shouts out "Where were you yesterday arvo Gary?". Gary mumbled something about a dentist appointment. A couple of the other blokes in the class started giving Gary shit for being such a wuss.
I wish I could say that Gary faded into the oblivion. He didn't, he just found more underhand ways to try and bully me. But he never physically challenged me again and I got a rep as a slightly hard fellow cause I took a punch in the face and didn't flinch. Honestly he could've tickled me on the chin and I would've taken more notice.

tl:dr - got punched in the face by a bully, stupidly challenged him to a fight, he was a no show and ended up looking like a wimp.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 9:41, 19 replies)

And a cheeky repost that *just about* shoehorns in...
Our very own ivesb was in a fight once, sort of. He'd just come out of a shop, with a carrier bag containing his purchases: some beer, to enjoy when he got home. A CD, to listen to while he drank the beer... and a pie, to eat on his way home as he was hungry.

Anyway, someone came up behind him, smashed a bottle over his head and said "give me your money". The "pure fury" bit kicks in now as, in a rage, he refused to give in to the mugger's demand and instead chased him off, dropping his carrier bag in the process.

His lament of "I was looking forward to that pie too, I was really hungry" was interrupted by me, in wide-eyed childish wonder asking him what this amazing emporium of delights was, that sold not only CDs, but also beer! And pies! They certainly didn't have record shops like that round where I live... or maybe it was an off licence with a MUSIC section. Just imagine! How exciting, I couldn't wait to go and peruse it. I had mental images of a little smoky bohemian-looking place, smelling of incense, with loads of obscure music. Probably unusual beers too, imported ones that you can't normally get in this country...

Looking at me incredulously, ivesb replied:

"It was Asda"
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 9:21, 3 replies)

Since I suggested this I guess I'd better post something...
Here's the one that gave me the idea in the first place, then...

A few years ago, a colleague had a sneezing fit and explained afterwards that he had a sensitive nose; lots of things made him sneeze - especially his mum's perfume in the morning.

"My dad's the same" he told me. My reply of "What, your dad wears your mum's perfume?" was met with a narrowing of the eyes, straightening of the back, gruffening of the voice and "Don't take the piss out of my family, right?"
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 9:17, 1 reply)

My Best Man, Ginge..
lost his job twice.

I quipped breezily,"Only you could lose the same job twice Ginge (lols)"

He firmly pushed me up against the wall put his nose about 2 inches away from mine and whispered,"I'm very very embarrased about that fact and I'd *really* *really* appreciate it if you never say anything. Like. That. Again, allright? ALLRIGHT?"

First and last time I ever saw him angry with me in the 25 years I've known him. Scary fucker.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 9:12, 5 replies)

Daddy once beat a man until both he and the man were crying.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 9:10, 7 replies)

Reading
When I was a young chap, I went on holiday with some friends and their parents. They were a lovely couple the father was a big jovial chap who smiled alot.

The drive from the airport was a long one, the other kids sat in the back listening to their walkmans while i sat up front. I didnt have a walkman so chose to read a comic (Viz) and chatting to the father.

Later that evening we were called into the living room of the apartment. It turns out that the father likes a drink and is not so jovial.
I walk into the room and am greeted by a 6ft fatman screaming at me;

"And you, you little ungrateful shit, reading this filth"
*Waves comic in my face*
"Look, look at this mother... swearing, sex, filth"
*Waves comic in my face*
"If you ever have anything like this near me again I will ram your head through the nearest fucking wall"

At that point the mother ushers us out of the room to go play in the pool while she calmed father down and liberally dosed him with coffee to sober up.

Suffice to say i was never invited on any more holidays, and i never went round their house again either.
(Fishbone-didi, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 5:42, Reply)

I was going to write one of my epic stories
full of love, hate, violence, sex, baked goods, urinary tract infections, LaLa Loopsy Dolls and arterial spray blood spatter.

But since Alby reckons he can do me better than myself, then I'll leave him to it.
Take it away Mr. Marshmallow.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 5:16, 8 replies)

Don't make me assume my ultimate form!

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 2:49, 2 replies)

Pure fury, unbelievable retardation.
A few years back me and a few friends went to visit another friend of ours who was unfortunately living in Cambridge at the time. It was his birthday and so we were planning on surprising him by turning up unnanounced at this house party he was going to. Surprise occured, mission accomplished, merriment had and beer was drained like a lanced boil from whence it came.

It had gotten to the point, not where every one was dropping like flies, but where people are slowly taking up the comfy couches and cushions etc and drifting off into an unfulfilled light sleep. One of the group, Big Mike, had poached a couple of pillows and a spot on the floor. Now, we call him Big Mike because a) his name is Mike and b) he is built like a 6'4" grizzly bear. Not toned and chiselled like one of those oh-so-many one size too small t-shirt wearing fools that brags about how much they can 'bench', but equally he's not got a Jabba the Hutt physique. He's just 'big'. And he also sleeps like a bear too, which is why the comparison is apt.

The stragglers, myself included (there were 4 of us) had taken up the seats round the table near to where Big Mike was sleeping, when, for no reason other than he must've just gone full retard, our friend Pete walks over and punches Big Mike in the balls.

He wasn't happy.

Big Mike isn't just like a bear when he sleeps. He was awake and moving the fastest I've ever seen anyone move, and considering he'd just been hit in the balls it was damn impresive that he wasn't still on the ground weeping like a sailors wife looking at a storm. He immediately had one hand around Pete's neck and the other pulled back to hit him. Me and the other two guys who'd been awake got in the middle and were just holding on to his arms, going "whoa whoa stop no" etc etc, I believe the phrase "WE NEED HIM ALIVE" was even shouted.

It was an incredibly tense probably 30 seconds but felt like a good 10 minutes, and Big Mike eventually let go and settled back down to sleep.
We couldn't believe how stupid Pete was or why he'd even done that and to this day he doesn't know, but all was patched up (balls included) and we're all still good friends to this day. We occasionally revisit that night to other peoples entertainment when on the subject of stupidity or rage, so at least we got entertainment out of it after.

TL DR: tough. Go back.

Apologies for length etc but it's better then being punched in the knackers.
(Panzerfaust, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 2:40, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/post1629154
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 0:53, 6 replies)

New Years PUNCH IN THE FACE
one New Year's Eve after leaving a house party I was walking home.

Very young (about 21) and that drunk, the drunk feeling where you realise that everyone thinks you are a wanker, and you know you are a wanker but when you think you are a wanker and they think you are a wanker it cancels out in your head and you become a super hero!?

Yeah that's how pissed I was.

I leave a New Year's Eve party at my friends house I head back to my parents (in Runcorn they are a cunts)

I am having my epiphany moment where everything is great it's about 3:00am and I am so drunk my feet feel like I have hollowed out two small children and wearing them as slippers.

When across the street in the first I see a man with his hands around a woman's neck. The poor lass....my children feet take me over to the exciting thing that is happening. Where I hear a voice say "oi mate what the fuck get your hands off her" I look around scared...who said that....I look at the two dead children I am wearing as gloves as well as shoes now...and then I realise this fucking monster has his hands around MY FUCKING THROAT.

Then I have to conclude I was thrown through the front window of a ford focus that was actually moving not hair parked.

Moral of the story...don't read my stories. Also don't try and save a bitch if she is getting choked out on New Year's Eve and you have dead children for footwear.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 23:56, Reply)

Once I offered to try and help b3ta
Then I realised you are all cunts.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 23:49, Reply)

First

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 23:26, Reply)

I once read a story posted on /qotw by one Albert Marshmallow.
It made me very angry. Angry ON THE INTERNET.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 23:16, Reply)

My daughter punched me in the knackers for repeatedly referring to "Abney and Teal" as "Rodney and Tim".

True story.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 22:36, 2 replies)

Was pally with a nice group at university, especially a woman called, um, Jill or something.
She'd been a big smoker but gave it up, and we were treated to daily updates of how long it was since she'd had a ciggie, how hard it was to give up, how heroic she was, etc, the stuff ex-smokers are wont to drivel on about. Yawn.

Anyway, one day over a brew she took out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter and put them on the table. I said 'Are you smoking again? I'm surprised, after how well you were doing…'

She leaned over and snarled, right into my face, 'It's none of your BUSINESS if I want to smoke! It's MY decision, all RIGHT?'

'Fine!' I shrugged, a bit baffled as I didn't actually care whether she smoked or not.

I avoided her after that. Friendship over.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 22:34, 4 replies)

Blasphemy, desecration, profanation, sacrilege, blimey, all sorts...
I was taken to a boyfriend's auntie's house for tea when I was about 16. Thought I was making a good impression by admiring the various (frankly rather bizarre, now I come to think of it) ornaments hanging on the lounge wall.

One was a huge string of wooden beads with a large cross hanging from one end.
Ooh, that's unusual, said I, and someone kindly took it down and passed it to me for inspection.

With all the family's eyes on me I wasn't sure what to do with it so I jokily hung it round my neck like a feather boa, wiggled my hips a bit and swung the cross around suggestively. Like a stripper, y'know.

Yes, it was a giant rosary, a souvenir from some European holy shrine, and no I'm not a Catholic and didn't know that and, why, no, I had no idea whatsoever how much I'd just insulted their faith and indeed their whole way of life.

The rosary was peremptorily returned to the wall and tea was served in stony silence. How I got out alive, I'll never know.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 22:14, 8 replies)

one easter, me and the missus went for cycling holiday through dartmoor
we stayed the first night in a nice b&b farmhouse. the next morning we went to have shower, but couldn't get the shower to work. Instead we had a bath together. Apparently we must have got some water on the floor. It can't have been much, we weren't splashing around or anything. just a normal bath. Anyway, a few minutes after dressing there's a loud bang, bang, bang on our room door. The woman owner is there and she's apoplectic with rage, screaming at us about the water on the floor and then she tells us we're the worst guests she's ever had. I was struggling to process what could possibly make someone so angry but my missus is no shrinking violet, and starts yelling back that she's the worst b&b owner she ever seen and letting fly a few choice insults in her native portuguese. They started into a shouting match together, I had to drag my wife away, and I just said "you're a very rude woman" before closing the door in her face. She was a bit of a toff so I thought that might cut more than calling her a viscious old cunt.
The missus wanted to leave straight away, but I convinced her to mull it over in the nearby pub. On returning the woman was gone and her hen-pecked husband apologised and said she was stressing about some easter paegant.
I remember coming off the ferry in fishguard and banging on the door of b&b at midnight. the man kindly offered me a room and when I got to the top of the pink carpeted stairs i realised I'd tracked dogshit up each step. and he didn't even say boo.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 20:45, 4 replies)

A few years ago...
...I was visiting the urinal at my local pub. During my beer fueled wee I happened to let out a rather violent sneeze, which sent my glasses flying from my face. My glasses went hurtling slightly to my right and bounced off the penis of the chap standing next to me.

Now, confusingly he assumed not only that I had managed to do that deliberately, but that it was some sort of weird homosexual mating ritual.
I was very angrily informed that if I tried any more of that "bender shit" that he would rip my balls off and feed them to his dog... Confusing visit to the toilet that one!

By the way, I left the glasses in the urinal and got more ordered the next day.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 20:42, 2 replies)

I was out in a mates boat one day giving hin a hand with his creels.
We were stopped for some food. It was a beautiful still sunny day. The sea was flat calm, a pod of dolphins had passed by 10 minutes earlier, and the usual skuas were sitting in the water just off the stern waiting for tit-bits.
With the sound of an expelled breath a young seal popped it's head out of the water right next to us. It's gaze shifted between the two of us, deep fathomless eyes inspecting us. My mate looked back at the seal for a moment, and then punched it as hard as he could in the face.

It didn't come back.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 26 Sep 2013, 19:31, 3 replies)

Gary The IT Guy....
Gary,

Your a lazy, good for nothing, pizza faced, fat, loud, half-bald, single brain celled CUNT


Touch my PC again and ill chop your FUCKINGg arms off and beat you to death with them.....

Did i mention your a CUNT....?

XX
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 18:42, Reply)