Conspiracy Theories
With the release of the new 'X-Files' film, the world will no doubt be awash with brainless morons proclaiming, "Yeah, man, it's so true - the government's been covering up aliens for decades. You just gotta open your eyes, man"

So, tell us your own personal conspiracy theories. Maybe the postman is reading your mail, or the next door neighbour's dog is stealing your thoughts. Share your paranioa with the internet.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 15:56, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Embarassing aquaintances
Have you ever had to spend a day with a group of people who aren't part of your normal social group, and absolutely hated it, with no chance of escape?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 13:12, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Cheap holidays
Have you ever paid pennys for a Holiday and been ‘rewarded/shocked’ for your ‘bargain holiday’ choice?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 10:33, Reply)

Pronunciation of "text speak"
Ok, so we've probably all actually said LOL at some point. But do you actually talk in text speak or web abbreviations?

I pronounce the QOTW as the "quotwa".......
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 6:39, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

b3ta... your story
Ever met the love of your life via 'teh website'?... Where's the weirdest place you've ever contributed from (bonus points for dial-up) and to top it all - ever been outed as a b3tan at your place of work/study/skive?

Come on... we've all (mostly) been here a few years- tell your b3ta stories!
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 0:35, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

We have all been fucked over....
Be it by a woman/man looking for a confidence boost or a co-worker stealing your idea, or perhaps a family member.

How have you been messed about and what was the outcome?
( Bamboo Steamer, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 23:50, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Earthquake!
So yesterday, we had a 5.4 earthquake here in Southern California. The office building shook, everything was rattling, and I was laughed at for whimpering under my desk (it was my first one, ok!!!). It was actually quite fucking scary as it went on for 20 seconds or more.

So come on, give us your experiences of Mother Nature's best works.....
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:11, Reply)

Things you've said that make you a bad person
I once said of a girl who had cancer (she had successful chemotherapy which got rid of it but had the usual side-effects):

"I'd still do her. In fact, you could do it from behind and slap her round the head."

Ticket to Hull etc.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 21:32, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

First girlfriend
Was it a lovely young unexperienced romantic bliss in early teens or did you end up with somebody who would have looked the place in the times of spartacus
Tell us your stories of first love
(Freddles, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:42, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Summer Holidays Gone Wrong
ever had a holiday abroad or at home that was a disaster from the start? lost your suitcase and had to wear the wife's thongs all week? swallowed something unpleasant on a trip to Blackpool Beach?
( Cunny Funt Statistically, 9 out of 10 People Enjoy Gang Rape, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:25, Reply)

Selling your nan
For purely selfish reasons I want a QOTW about money making schemes - I've reached the bottom of 2 overdrafts and am short by £600 which I need in order to move house in a month's time, the day after I finish my MA course and the day before I start work. Not good timing.
(jabboy, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 2:11, Reply)

guilty
have you have just ruined christmas for a bunch of orphans, or accidently killed your neighbours dog? What have you done?
(meh! bored since, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 23:44, Reply)

Brush with the law
I was out one night having a few drinks when before I even knew what had happened I was lying face down in field next to a blazing inferno while the cops read me the riot act and the fire brigade tackled the blaze. On waking up in the morning I was passport-less, hung over, in a jail cell and in possession of a subpoena to appear in court.

What sort of brushes have you had with the law?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 17:33, Reply)

Amazing Discoveries
When I was about 13 or 14, I had a huge crush on my mate's mother (who, in all fairness, was hotter than a vindaloo cooked on the surface of the sun). So one day, when around his house, we were having a rummage around because we were bored, and we came across his parent's secret private nudey photo collection.

As a 13 year old boy, I was in hog's heaven. It was like finding the motherlode. Pun intentional. A whole collection of nudey pics of the woman I had been fantasising about for days! Possibly even a week! My mate on the other hand wasn't as impressed by the nudey pics of his mother...can't imagine why
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 17:26, Reply)

Things I Thought I Saw
Have you ever seen things and mistaken them for something else? I have. I was driving home from work late one night last week. It’s a long drive through the country, and it was getting dark. This is what I thought I saw:

A 10-foot meerkat (it was a tree stump)

A small red-faced snowman wearing a top hat (it was a thin reflecty bollard with a poster fixed to it about a third of the way down)

Some white rabbits playing musical statues (they were stones on someone’s verge)

A giant pair of trousers and a chair (it was a ruin on a hillside in silhouette)

A dead angler in the River Tweed (it’s been there a fortnight, I think it’s just a bit of wood)

A herd of penguins (again, bollards)

About a million frogs on the road (nope, just leaves. Didn’t stop me squealing every time I ran over one though)
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 11:37, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Letters they'll never read
Apologies, anger, declarations of love, things you want to say to people, but can't or didn't get the chance to.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 1:29, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How low have you gone
While we are now of course all shining examples of virtue and taste .. we have all had our weak moments. What was yours?

For example, a couple of weeks ago I got a free bottle of Lambrini from my local Chinese takeaway to go with a big order I had delivered for a party.

Tonight, far too tired after work to be bothered going out to the offy for something half decent, I have actually opened it and am now in the process of drinking the stuff!!!

Also when I was a poor student decades ago I used to check the neighbours binbags at the dead of night for edible nibbles! gross I know but by christ I was hungry!

At the same time, in the middle of winter myself and a fellow student plumbed the depths by knocking on doors pretending to be collecting firewood for old age pensioners and keeping any woody donations for our own fire (we had burned all the furniture apart from the sofa weeks before)

How low is low for you ?
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 19:47, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Being Wrong About Stereotypes
Me and a couple of friends were at the pub last night chatting nonsense, when we see a skinny whippet of a lad, more gold on him than Tutankhamun's death mask, and walking like he's carrying a couple of carpets under his arms walk across the floor, whilst holding hands with a similar looking chavette (well, it seemed that way).

We immediately start wondering aloud why idiots like that are allowed to breed, let alone come into our pubs. Imagine our surprise when he approaches the bar, and asks the girl what she'd like to eat. She turns (and we see her face for the first time) and we are shocked to see that she appeared to have severe learning difficulties, and was being helped.

This lad that we'd been looking at like something we'd stepped in only a few seconds earlier was actually a carer for this young lady, as we discovered when we walked around the corner to find a group of about 5 helpers, and a group of special needs adults.

Just shows we judged too quickly, and I for one was very glad to be proven wrong.

When was the last time you were proven to be wrong, and been glad about it?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 15:45, Reply)

Little Challenges
My morning journey to work by bike is fairly tedious now I've been doing it for two years. To add to the drama I try to get there without using my brakes.
I've managed it twice now (in two years), but the satisfaction in achieveing this tiny little challenge was orgasmic; the failure reassuringly frustrating and disappointing.
I know a girl who tries to catch lifts without breaking stride or changing her pace, reaching a sexual climax whenever the lift doors close satisfyingly behind her.

What petty little challenges do you set yourself in order to drag yourself out of the monotony of your daily existence?
(markthebrewer doesn't know if he's coming or going or coming, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 9:37, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Utopian B3TAN Society
Whats your prediction for the future with a B3tan society?

My prediction is fairly mundane: Rob becoming an MP and recruiting from with the ranks of b3ta to become the dominant political party in the UK. American tentacles forming to rival the RepDems as they become known.

Rob eventually crushing us all with the weight of internet memes and the end... well thats when the lolcats take over
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:56, Reply)

What has B3ta Ever Done For Me?

(Apart from the obvious)

In my one year of being a b3tard I have received expert legal advice, financial advice, PC advice, consumer secrets, and genuine pearls of wisdom on both my work and personal life.

Not to mention film / music / food / travel reviews, ...and some excellent jokes / anecdotes to say down the pub

My life has been changed beyond recognition and all of this has been down to the simple straight-forward 'kindness of strangers' element that the B3ta community provides.

So what has B3ta ever done for you? Have you ever acted on advice given to you by a stranger on B3ta? Did it help?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 11:21, Reply)

The Time I almost died
B3tans are a dangerous, hard-living bunch. Tell us about your brushes with the grim reaper.
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:51, Reply)

Moments when you wish the earth would just swallow you up
You know the embarrasing situations you sometimes find yourself in where there is no way of backing out of them simply.

Once in a mate's house we came across his sister's magic kit which contained 'magical items' such as rope, a magicians hat and a wand. Instead of testing them out my friends instead decided to sellotape the hat to my head, tie my hands and feet together with the rope while still managing to prop the wand in my hand completing the oufit.

Now you may be asking what is so embarasing about this well I forgot to mention that my mates parents were out at this time and were due to arrive home soon with the rest of the family. So there I was tied up in the living room dressed up as a magican feeling like a massive twat when the whole family walked in providing them all with a laugh at my expense
(Monoball, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:26, Reply)

Just plain wrong...
"There's no accounting for taste", or so the old saying goes. I am afraid that I must admit to having a funny tingling feeling in my nether regions whenever I see Gordon Ramsay or Jeremy Clarkson, and a girl I knew at High School once admitted to having a terrble penchant for Richard Madeley. Hmmmn.

Are you a b3tan who fancies someone...well, somewhat "unusual", and why?
(woodkat loves comic sans, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 17:50, Reply)

I have a cunning plan...
I once worked out how to rob Natwest Bank in Wakefield. I needed:

2 Gymnasts (preferable tumblers)
2 Burly blokes
Me
and some Uzis.

Clearly, I never went through with it, but tell us about your cunning plans. Did they work? Were you rumbled? Or did it all go wrong at the critical moment?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 12:41, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A good doctor friend of mine
Was once asked to give a suppository to a female patient who was waiting behind a screen.

However, the intrepid medic bottled out when he pulled back the curtain to find the most attractive lady he'd ever seen on all fours with her bottom in the air.

What examples of medical tomfoolery can you come up with?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:45, Reply)

Dreams
We all have funny, disturbing, or just plain old weird dreams now and again.

Tell us yours.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 9:35, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Alternatively...
My favourite pencil.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 20:50, Reply)

When I was about 8
Me and two boys from school used to go and secretly steal the sweets that the music teacher kept on her piano. Back then I was a good, obedient girl, and when the day finally came that we were called to the headmasters office I broke down and cried, as I was surely going to be sent to prison.

What actually happened was that I was told off, my parents were informed, and that was it. But the shame lasted for a very long time.

We all remember that embarassment that you can only experience as a kid. What was your worst childhood moment of shame?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 20:37, Reply)

Best television programs
Teh Bill changed my life ..... :O(
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 11:12, Reply)