Great business ideas
Brought to mind by the great Han lolly that was FP'd today. Anyone else want to share their ideas that would make them millionaires if they could only be arsed to do them?
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 21:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

If only I had a camera.
Are there any moments in your life when you wish, if not for the fact that you'd win £250 from Beadle, that you had a camera with you?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 13:30, Reply)

Things you did when you were stupid.
Kids are such annoying little cunts. Sometimes you just want to pull out a chainsaw to shut them up. But no matter how much you hate kids, it is pathetic to hide that you were once like that. What stupid things have you done when you were a kid to really piss everybody else off?
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 2:56, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Religious nutters
When I moved into my place, the first person to greet me was a young woman by the name of "Sunny". I thought she was being all nice, until every Sunday she came down to ask if I wanted to go to church with her.

She finally stopped when, asking me if I'd talked to God lately, I said "Yes, this morning, I was yelling his name while riding my boyfriend".

The look on her face was priceless.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:51, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It happened in a toilette
Birth, love, sex, death and much much more regularly occurs in toilettes.

What's happened to you?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:47, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Long distance disasters
If Anyone knows 'She Hates Me' by Puddle of Mudd, well that pretty much describes our puddle jumpers adventure..

''Met a girl, thought she was grand''

there was a lad I knew at university, and at the age of 21, still had his V plates, poor lad, dont think he ever actually kissed a girl tbh, the closest he got was 5 knuckle shuffling himself to a copy of the daily sport...

Basically, he was incredibly desperate and would go extreme lengths to lose his cherry. Until one of his mates introduced him to the magic of 'gaiaonline.com', (an avatar based community site which some B3tians here may be familiar with), where he got talking to some Canadian chick.

''fell in love, found out first hand''

Things we're going swimmingly and somehow he fell in love with her, and somehow became girlfriend/boyfriend-before meeting of course.
He bragged about her at uni- apart from when anyone asked where she were from, he'd mumble 'canada'.
The response would be something like this..

'Canada?! have you even seen her yet?'
'Yea...on webcam..'

He'd even call her and chat to her on his Landline, (im suprised his rents weren't sceptical about a series of international calls to canada on there phonebill) baring in mind that the timezone is different to UK so he could only talk to her at certain times.

the big day came when he decided he was going for it, (despite several warnings from fellow coursemates, and encouraging him not to go as it be a bad idea) and also the fact that there was work to be submitted and a 2nd year exhibition to install, but he insisted considering they were very much in love and he was going to jump the puddle to see his girlfriend in Canada for 3 months, the whole duration of the summer break.

he blew his entire student loan installment on a plane ticket (Approx £600) and a suit (£150) (in a bid to impress her), and the remains to be exchanged into canadian dollars.

''went well for a week or two''

Pretty much what the titles says, He arrived safety, met her and got aquainted (sorta) and things were going reasonably well.

''Then it all came unglued''

Yes, unfortunatly some reason, his girlfriend was a psycho and decided that she hated him and kicked him out her room and never wanted to see him again

""She Hates Me'

She certainly did, she even got a new boyfriend and slept with him under the same roof as him just to rub it in, our puddle jumper was stranded in the middle of Canada, not allowed to see the girl he could have lost his V plates to, and he had to get a taxi to get his cigarettes.

he returned to the UK as a wiser person and had to repeat his second year again due to not submitting any work for being away, he also didnt notify his parents where he was for the 3 months.

Whilst sat at the pub having a drink, he was laughing and joking about it, admitting that he was a plonker with a 'wtf was I thinking..?!' attitude

did he learn his lesson? I dont think so, the exact same thing happened the following year, except this new 'girlfriend' was from the US...

Thing is, if hes that despirate to find a girlfriend on the internet, why not try myspace or facebook, surely he could find himself a nice girl from the UK..

He got kicked outta uni due to poor attendance..
(Lord Chode, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 15:38, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

is it a..
Crumpet or a Pikelet?
Breadcake, Bap, or roll?
Settee or Sofa?
Dessert,Pudding or Sweet?

If the moons gravatational pull affects global tidal pattern, howcome lakes and swimming pools arn't affected?

howcome a house goes UP in flames, but burns DOWN?

why is a jellyfish, not a fish and not made out of jelly

what time does the 24hour tesco shut?

why do people chant 'we want more' at concerts and gigs, when its easier and less sylibles to chant 'encore!', is it euphemism?

lets hear some more rhetorical questions folks...
(Lord Chode, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 13:20, Reply)

Snobbery
Have we done snobbery yet? As an antidote to the current QOTW. Note that Spoilt Brats are not snobs, just over-priveleged to the point that they are detached from reality.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Oct 2008, 16:40, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

When good times go bad.
Whilst packing my house up recently, the landlady was pestering me about the location of the movers' container. She does this every day and doesn't offer any help. During a tiff, a cowboy unexpectedly approaches us. A real live-by-a-code-of-honor cowboy, completely out of the blue!

He defends me, "Ma'am, you're offerin' up a whole mess o' problems, but not one solution."

"Yeah!" I think, "That's exactly what I'd say if I were more masculine. Cowboy and I stand side-by-sid--"

*SMACK!*

HE SLAPPED HER. I ran.

Tell us about when a good time went bad.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:18, Reply)

Scrooge!
To be honest I heard this on the radio, but some examples:

• The man who takes the battery out of his clock at night;
• The company that took their employees for a Christmas meal out and made everyone choose meals from the "2 for 1" menu;
• People who pinch sachets of tomato sauce from service stations and refuse to buy a bottle.

Tell us the things that you (or your friends and family) do that are mean and money-grabbing.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 18:16, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

pointless journeys
the further you travel the more QOTW points.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 15:22, Reply)

Your "Frank Spencer" moments
And by which of course I don't mean the times you impersonated a lovable b3tan.

What household scrapes have you got yourself into which make for mirth inducing anecdotes?

Last sunday I was with a group of people who made the most mundane* of incidents sound so hilarious everyone in the pub was laughing. It's how you tell em. The more convoluted the better, and gestures are compulsory.

*OK, and some not so mundane. My mate Kenny, for example, who fell through a roof up to his armpits while waving a large sign bearing the words "Cheer up!" at the passengers on a passing train.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 14:17, Reply)

A musical one
If your life could have a theme tune, what would it be and why?
(GONEism, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 10:16, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Zombie Apocalypse??
If the world were to be suddenly overrun by an army of the walking dead - how would you keep yourself alive?
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 10:04, Reply)

Things you've overheard
A while ago I was at the swimming pool and I overheard a man telling his friend about his change of diet.
"Well I've stopped drinking beer and started drinking wine"
"Is wine better for you?"
"Well it's got to be, it's made out of grapes innit"
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 15 Oct 2008, 22:55, Reply)

Personal superstitions
Have we had that?

I can't be doing with angels, having been brought up to see them as people who've died and 'gone to be an angel'.

Hearing people call children 'little angels' fills me with dread - seemed like tempting fate.

When my kids were in school Nativity plays, it took all my strength to prevent myself from storming the stage, ripping off the little angels' wings and shouting at their parents 'Are you MAD? Don't you KNOW how dangerous this is?'
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 15:29, Reply)

CHAVS!
ok, lets face it, these are the most hated 'lifeform' in the UK, but I want to hear your stories and experiences which these uneducated folk my fellow B3tians..

when I was at uni, I lived in student accomadation with 4 other people, one of them happened to be a chavvy guy (who didnt actually make it through the year afterall), he was always inviting his chav mates round, to be fair they were quite reasonable people, but they did come out with some pretty stupid comments.

Ill give you an example..

I recently come back from download festival...

’hey Phill, wots that on ur wrist?’
’oh, its a wristband for download festival’
’cool, was it good?’
’yea it was awesome’
’man I wanna go 2 1 of them festivals, take shitloads of acid n pills n get off with some hippy chick in the middle of field ’

*sigh*

A, 'hippies' dont go to download festival
B, even if they did, I doubt very seriously that they would ever 'get off' with you, even if they were under the influence...

I cryed a lil inside...
(Lord Chode, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 15:38, Reply)

Idiotic Colleagues
I once had a colleague in Japan inform me by teleconference that I wouldn't be able to receieve a report she'd emailed me until the next day due to timezone differences. When I explained if this was how the rules of physics worked how was she able to communicate with my instantly via phone the entire audience of senior country managers promptly pissed themselves.

Who else out there has a co-worker so lacking in brains that breathing itself is a chore?
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Tue 14 Oct 2008, 15:38, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Advice
I for one will be making my two teenage lads read the Spoilt Brats QOTW so they will know the signs of a spoilt bitch who will make their lives a misery and thus get out while they still can.

What good solid advice can you offer your/someone else's kids? Be that sage that will make the next generation a more enlightened society that won't make the same mistakes you have.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 1:27, Reply)

Oh FFS
I was going to suggest stories about the last thing that made you cry...after reading "The nicest thing...", it's too fucking late!
(CdrVimes, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 0:05, Reply)

PM for a day
If you were given the job of Prime Minister/President/Chancellor/Empress/Shah for the day, what policies would you shoehorn through government?

On a serious note, I would make sure that the government stop tipping cash onto the bonfire that are IT contractors and do everything in-house.

Points deducted for things involving bulldozing foreigners into the sea, or anything from the braincell of Richard Littlejohn
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 22:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Practical Jokes
What the best practical joke you pulled off?

Personally I loved prank calls, I called my former workplace (a hotel where they had a thing for hiring polish folk who could hardly speak english) and the convo went a lil like this..

Me- 'Hello, can I speak to mr Wall please'
Receptonist- 'there is no mr wall here'
Me- 'Is mrs wall there?'
Rec- 'No'
Me- 'Are there any walls there?'
Rec- 'No'
Me- 'Well how does your ceiling stay up then?'

long pause..

Rec- 'Ill go check..'

pfft retard
(Lord Chode, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 20:34, Reply)

Pointless inventions
Have you ever invented something or had an idea for an invention that was so utterly pointless that there was no point in inventing it? Invent a good story to explain your idea.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 20:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Religion!
Have we not done religion!!??

As a kid my grandmother used to hit me if I forgot myself on a Sunday and did something as outrageous as laugh or read a comic. The swings and roundabouts where padlocked by the council to stop kids having heathen fun during the Sabbath. You've got to love the Wee Frees.

Have you been loved by a priest, blown up by a Muslim or found eternal peace and enlightenment?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 13:28, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What phrases
or traditions does your family have?
How did they come about?
Do other people think they are strange?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:04, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

things you might have said, had you had a clear head at the time
everyone's been in that situation - you're walking away from an argument, incandescent with rage, unable to form a clear thought in your head... two hours later, you're lying in bed and a witty, incisive comment enters your head that puts you on an intellectual height that would allow you to shit on the head of Oscar Wilde.

"two twats don't make a right" is my feeble attempt.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 17:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

middle of the road
These suggestions are almost exclusively filled with drugs, depravity, bodily fluids, births, marriages, divorces, and death. this however is ostracising us qotw'ers who are, in reality, dull old cunts.

so..

what's the most searingly mundane thing you have done? the more staggeringly normal the better.

I once knitted a doily, fuck you all!
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 16:07, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dreams about B3tan's
Have you ever had a dream about another B3tan, particularly if you have never met that B3tan?
Was it a good or a bad dream?
What happened?
( turb0t, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 14:03, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)