Drunken acquisitions
Inspired by The Grammar Badger's post...

After a particularly heavy night out, I managed to smuggle a potted cactus out of the pub in my jacket pocket. I then spent the rest of the night picking its spiky defences out of my left nipple.

What odd items have you stolen while out on the razz?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:01, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lazyness
The other night I woke up feeling really ill and needed to puke badly. Except I couldnt be bothered to go to the bathroom. Instead I exploded all over the bedroom in a view of cleaning it up the next morning.

Tell us about your utter lazyness or other peoples lazyness.
(Miggyman, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 18:34, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Life Changing Decisions
I made a life changing decision about 3 years ago. Since then, my life has changed from one of startling mediocrity to one of adventure, discovery and happiness!

What decisions have you made that have changed your life forever - for better or for worse? Tell us your tales!
(SnowmanSnails, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What everyday thing have you never done.
I've never seen the X Factor. I think I must be the only one in the world.


(yes I know this is stolen wholesale from Radio 4)
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 11 Nov 2008, 10:14, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cringing
What have you done in the past that when you think back, you contort with cringiness and go ngnarr.

In a job years ago, the field sales supervisor was leaving, and some old pics of her were brought out from well before I started.

Although she had a decent figure, she'd lost a shedload of weight as looking at the pics, she must've been a good 15 stone (210 pounds).
I uttered 'fuck me, is that you?'.

The 'fuck me' bit was meant to be under my breath, however I said it out loud, and as soon as I realised, I stopped before the 'is that you?' bit.
So now everyone is looking at me wondering why I'd just exclaimed 'Fuck me!' when she dug out some fat pics.

I am currently cringing as if someone's dragging a steel gauntlet down a blackboard, and my kids want to know why I'm biting my fist and going ngarr.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 18:32, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Ideas for sodding Christmas presents
Not to come across all bah humbug, but there are some people it is HARD to buy Christmas presents for!

And it's getting to that time of the year...

Now there must be people out there who have solved the what-to-get-for-grandma problem in past years, so why not have a grand sharing of expertise? Oh you wonderful people you.

My offering - a chocolate fountain (£25 inc p&p) for a family with 6 kids aged between 12 and 25. (Coz it's too damned expensive to get them individual stuff)

Now tell me what to get my grandma!!!! Please!!!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 17:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sterotypes
When where and how, in your experience, have the stereotypes we all hold so dear been:

a) Confirmed

...or...

b) Utterly confounded

..hopefully with hilarious and lol-worthy consequences or outcomes?

----------------

My (nearly) personal best was when a new starter arrived at the software company I worked at once. She was tall, blond glamorous and a sight to behold in a geeky male-dominated workplace. She'd been stashed at the only available spare desk, for we were expanding rapidly, which was next to the departmental secretary. A couple of days later one of the sales team approached her thusly:

"I need these faxing out and can you hang around by the machine 'cos the reply is pretty important - there's a lot of money in this contract?"

She responded "No, sorry I can't - I'm very busy right now".

Salesman is perplexed: "What do you mean, 'No'!?"

She: "I don't do that stuff".

Salesman: "Bloody hell woman! What do you do all day!?"

She: "My job title is 'Software Architect', but I'm really filling a systems analysis role at the moment..."

Salesman: "........"
(apologies_for_length, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 4:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If I was in power
What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and found yourself ruling the country?

Personally, I'd set up small comittees of Yorkshiremen with flat caps and whippets. Any new law/bit of health and safety legislation/politically correct bollocks would have to be approved before coming into force.

I'd also put Sir Alan Sugar in charge of the NHS, and make wasting government money a penal offence.
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 17:57, Reply)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Geek out!
your geekiest moment ever.

Me and the gf felt the best way to congratulate each other after sex was a high five.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 15:25, Reply)

house party madness!
we have all thrown/ been to houseparties before.

have you ever thrown a party in the parental gaff while they are away??

stories of smashed windows, finding people in places you shouldnt

have you found anything interersting after cleaning up the carnage (i found 3 bottles of beer, 2 bottles of wine and 2 bottles of half full vodka)

theres always one person who gets spectaularly pissed and does something stupid...

any visits from members of the emergency services?

do tell all
(jenko83, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 13:10, Reply)

Grandparents
Most of us have had/got them,memories/stories about them.
(taxi for gubba, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 0:07, Reply)

What's in a name?
This is just to satisfy my own curiosity but what about a little disclosure on why we have picked our user names. Some are pretty obvious, but some are damn right cryptic. Alternatively we could guess the rationale
behind each other's name. Small prize (click) for most accurate.

I'll start the ball rolling.
I work in organic chemistry, and use a lot of organic solvents, one of which is chloroform. And chloroform smells-like-victory-v's.

I am also a big fan of "APOCALYPSE NOW", "I love the smell of chloroform in the morning, it smells of ...... victory (v's)"
(smells-like-victory-v's, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:51, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Threesome stories
Disasters, triumphs, you know the whole shindig.

We haven't had a sexy question for a while.
(originally suggested by crackhouseceilidhband)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:50, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My most psychic moment
Ever thought about your mum just before she rings? Ever picked a card with some wavy lines on out of a perfectly ordinary deck? Ever bent a spoon other than by playing "who's got the hardest semolina"? Post your stories.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 15:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Maybe bindun?
I just remembered a kid at my school who managed to get the lowest scores in every single class, without fail. This earned him the nickname Stooperman.

What were the best nicknames going round at your school?
(GONEism, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 10:39, Reply)

Foot-In-Mouth Disease
When working as a temp at the BBC many moons ago, I was about to politely ask one of the managers when she was "due", when I was interrupted by somebody.

Every time I saw her and her pot belly, which never changed size in the next three months, I cringed just thinking about what I didn't say.

What major faux pas have you committed or narrowly avoided, that left you wishing the ground would swallow you up?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 9:01, Reply)

Everybody is talking about the SAW movies
Mrs turb0t believes only idiotic people will watch the SAW movies, although she's watched a couple herself.
Personally, I think the writer of SAW needs psychiatric help, as his mind must be very messed up to think of all those torture methods.

Describe the method of torture you would like to see on the next SAW movie.
( turb0t, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 17:00, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How you nearly died
Has this bindun? Have you ever done something foolhardy and nearly kicked the bucket? (Euphamism added for extra punnage points).

Having almost terminal diseases or been in something that wasn't your fault such as been in a train crash or a 7/7 style incident don't count. Unless you were looking after a bag for a nervous muslim at the time.

ps, why isn't 7/7 simply known as '1'?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 12:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Laziness
My cousin once turned down a free holiday because he couldn't be bothered to buy a new suitcase.

What tales of spectacular laziness do you have to tell?

(Nul Points for saying "I've got a great story but can't be arsed to tell it", or similar.)
(Axeman Jim, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 17:40, Reply)

Things I've Learned At Work,
or Transferable Skills.

I've learned a lot of helpful things at work, having had many and varied jobs.

For example, I know how to get someone certified, how to defend oneself in court on traffic offences, and how to carry on one's everday life while totally incontinent without anyone suspecting a thing.

Sounds like the story of certain b3tards' lives...
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 16:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Total life take-over.
With the exception of relationships, have you ever dived headlong into something utterly meaningless that has consumed your every spare moment for days and weeks on end? Then afterwards, have you found that the thing itself has somehow utterly disappeared from your life , never to return?

For instance, there was the time I lost an entire sun-filled childhood summer stuck in my bedroom on a CB radio talking to kids I would otherwise have been out playing with. Or, years later, when the purchase of a PlaySatan meant I had to ring in sick because I couldn't tear myself away from the lovely Ms. Croft. (Five solid days, that one lasted. I lost half a stone by simply forgetting to eat.)

What irrelevant obsession has completely removed you from your life for a long period of time?
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 12:13, Reply)

How green? Tales of your innocence and naivety...
Why was this motherly lady I'd never met before so convinced I had lost my friend? Surely I'd know if I had? It was in Soho, and she kept asking me if I was 'Looking for a girl'...

Or the time I was convinced the rasta gentleman outside the Trafalgar in Moseley was trying to *buy* dope off me, not sell...

Or the time I thought I'd be uncomfy sleeping on the floor of a girl's room in halls of residence when her roommate was away and she asked if I wanted to stay the night...

I've been thoroughly naive (dare I say green and stupid) over the years, I'd be relieved to hear your tales so I don't feel so bad!
( 0nyx, Sat 1 Nov 2008, 21:38, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Terrible attempts at chatting some one up
A friend of mine regaled me with a story of when her and a friend where walking back home a chav on a bike rode past.

As he went by he suck his arm out and grabed one of her breasts. He road off.. They looked shocked at what had just happened.. but they continued walking. then the chav turned round and headed back towards them. He stopped and asked my friend for her number and whether she wanted to go out on a date.

what are your terrible chat up line stories?
( arrangedletters, Sat 1 Nov 2008, 21:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ambitions.
Fulfilled ambitions. Me? I’ve scored a goal at Wembley in front of about 40,000 people (donkeys years back when our school won a tournament to play before an England School-Boy International – Roderick Thomas was the ‘star’ England player at the time!) Which was brilliant, ‘cos at that age, it wasn’t an ambition, I think I wanted to live in Hazzard County then, but looking back…

My friend Joanne fulfilled an ambition by taking part in the world Custard Pie (throwing) Championship. Her team lost in the second round to a load of cross-dressing doctors.

What have you always wanted to do – and have you done it yet? If not, how close to achieving your ambition are you – or were you denied the opportunity owing to great misfortune?

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 11:28, Reply)

Inexplicable Memories
I have an inexplicable memory of owning a dirt bike. I know I've never had one, but I've retained a scar from when I dropped it and scraped my knee. I also have a memory of being four years old in Spain and running down a cobblestone road, though I know I've never been there.

Do you have any inexplicable memories?
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 21:41, Reply)

Instant regrets
Everyone has done something which, fractionally after the heat of the moment has passed, they realise to have been monumentally thick.

One of my highlights was during a frustrating day at a power kiting festival two years ago - hopping up and down bellowing swear words at the kite, before drop-kicking my helmet into a cornfield.

Which I then had to retrieve, watched by approximately 250 people.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:02, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your Mum
As this is the /ac answer to so much why not tell us all about your mum.


My money is on Devil in Tights to win.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 15:11, Reply)

Inappropriate day-dreaming...
It has to be said that in the middle of a two-hour meeting on the latest changes to the minutae of my companies' online brand guidelines, I found my mind wandering.

I was happily roughing out ideas for a book in my head (Steampunk fiction, if you must know), when I suddenly became aware of people looking intently at me. I then realised that I'd muttered something aloud and they had though it was a pertinent question...a quick coughing fit and a random stab at something relevant later and I looked like a spacktard, but didn't get fired for pondering how Airship-to-Airship piracy might be carried out...).

What was the last thing you were caught out daydreaming about and were you more successful than I was in getting away with it?
(Chad, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 14:56, Reply)

The best year of your life and the worst year of your life
We had this discussion at work yesterday, and it was quite interesting to hear what other people had to say.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 14:46, Reply)

Great British Eccentrics
Trying to steer away from a little bit of venom that's been hanging around in the air recently - how about something on your eccentric family mambers and neighbours. Being a bit posh, I'm sure there's in-breeding somewhere in the family tree, because we've had our fair share of total fruit-loops.
(sugar_tits, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 19:31, Reply)