Fetishes
I have been with men who like wetsuits and men who like knee-high boots and men who are into me wearing both at once, which impedes my progress on the beach somewhat but gets them going. I've also got a tale about someone shitting on a rock and then eating it.

What fetishes do you have or have you encountered?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 10:18, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Failed to react
Sat outside the pub an angry man started shouting in my friends face trying to bate him into a fight. Instead my friend just stared blankly into space oblivious to the danger inches in front of him, to the disgust of the chavvy would be streetfighter.

How have you averted trouble by being oblivious to the danger?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 10:14, Reply)

problem areas
Recetly, I heard a commotion outside my house. I went outside to find the fire brigade parked up and a fireman hosing down a small fire on the grass verge by the road.

On closer inspection, it appeared someone had torched a child's pedal-car.

What outrageous things have convinced you it's time to find a less vibrant neighbourhood?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 1:21, Reply)

practically zero scope
As I'm studying maths, I thought I'd take the book to the toilet with me as 'shiterature' and swot up whilst laying cable.

Later that day, I spent 10 mins searching for it only to find I'd left it in the toilet.

Anybody else have any mind-numbingly tedious anecdotes about the misplacement of calculus textbooks in small rooms?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 1:17, Reply)

old
It took me three attempts to pick up a sock earlier and everytime I reached down I made an involuntary noise.

When did you realise it's downhill from here on?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 1:09, Reply)

Lord of The Flies
When you were little you set up a base in the woods, didn't you?

What war crimes did you commit, who with, what did you do with girls and people who weren't in your 'gang', and did you sharpen sticks to use as swords?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:55, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Unqualified
I once stole my mates Golf, for a laugh, was going to drive it round the corner and tell him someone had knicked it. Unfortunately, it seemed to have slipped my mind I can't drive. The car did a kangaroo jump and rammed into the back of the Nissan parked in front.

What are your exploits in the realm of the unqualified?
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 13:36, Reply)

Nicknames
One time I knew a fella with the nickname Wax On Wax Off, had no idea why; until the night he single handedly beat the crap out of five bikers with his karate moves after they accused him of being a midget.

Nicknames - discuss...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 13:26, Reply)

Birthdays
Its my birthday on Friday, the Mrs. is baking me a cake and decorating it with dinosaurs and jet fighters - much nicer than the year I celebrated my esteemed birth laying in an empty bath covered in a strangers vomit.

Tell us about your birthday highs and lows.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 11:47, Reply)

Bodge
Before there was steampunk, there was the bodge job. Bodge is like steampunk except there are only two main tools: hammer and gaffa tape.

What bodge jobs have you seen/done? My personal bests in this regards are newspaper bandages on a cut and cementing plasterboard walls in place.

Come on B3ta sahre you inner MacGiver
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 13:51, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Time machine
Seems simple and obvious: if you had a time machine, what would you do with it?

Minus points for "Shoot Hitler/ Stalin/ Thatcher/ Gandhi"
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 20:37, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Sliding Doors
Remember the plot? Miss a train to work, take the day off and your whole life works out differently from just that one event.

What's the greatest\worst\stupidest thing that's happened to you because you, what seemed at first, to miss (out on) something?
(jiggling_john Heres a fiver, you lads get yourself some chippies, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 19:45, Reply)

My Adventures with 8track tapes.
or, 8tracks into mixed tapes. Must be a whole handfull of stories out there!
(barrycounty, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 18:48, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Chance
I can trace every event in my life in the last four years down to the outcome of a 50p coin flip.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 0:34, Reply)

"You've done what?!"
What is the the thing that made you grimace at the blatant stupidity of others or yourself?

For example, forgetting your Uncle's 50th birthday is quite a good one...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 14 Mar 2009, 0:18, Reply)

Close shaves
I once came close to working for Anne Widdecombe.

What narrow escapes have you had?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:33, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Taking the piss...
...can go too far. I once spent an afternoon taking the mick out of an ex in a room of our friends. I though it was fairly friendly banter, but it wasn't until the next day I realised a) I hadn't receiving any pisstaking back, and b) I had, in fact, been a smug, nasty, passive-agressive quipping prick for several hours strait. Have you ever realised you were a bit of a cnut and should probably change?
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Do it for Charidee
2 years ago I offered to shave my pubic hair for Comic Relief. It was only after I did so that I realised that nobody really would want to sponsor me for that....

What are your charity related mishaps?
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:36, Reply)

Redefinitions
Everybody's heard a few redefinitions where you change a single character (add one subtract or or just change one) of a word to make a new word with a new definition like
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Can you come up with more?
(Banjax, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I can't believe I got away with it
What have you done and got away with?

I once managed to steal five croissants from Morrisons. By accident. Go me.

come on people. this has masses of scope. pick this.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:57, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Falling through the bar....
Tell us about those times you've tried to look cool, and made a wazzock of yourself.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:40, Reply)

My best pencil
The idea is so shit it's bound to be picked this week.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:21, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kids
The kid who gets the same bus as me in the mornings thinks I'm in the SAS. Why? Cause I've told him about my exploits fighting terrorism overseas for the past few months.

Tell us about your experiences warping the little ones.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:10, Reply)

Other people's stories
When have you realised that you have become somebody else's story?
"You will never guess what I saw" they'll snigger as they recant the oddities of their encounter with you.

Tell us their stories.
(woobwoob, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 2:24, Reply)

Awesome Moments
Everyone has a moment in their life, that they can look back on and think "That was the most amazing thing ever!". It could be the ultimate comeback in an argument, the best sirlon steak in the universe or even just seeing your child's first steps.

Tell us about the most awesome moment of your life.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 20:35, Reply)

Road trips gone wrong
We once wound up going to see a "stripper" on a road trip. The place didnt look like a strip joint but we went in anyway.

turns out one of our mates had conned us to pay for him to shag a hooker and we watched...

it wasnt sexy or pretty.

what has gone wrong on your road trips? No Eurotrip stories please.. wankers.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:46, Reply)

English mother fucker, do you speak it?
(Inspired by an apparent lack of 'pun'derstanding of the current QOTW)

Post your favourite examples of engrish, slip of the tongue (Oh, I say!) or just 'plane' stupidity.
(Fluffy_Giblets, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:45, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I've done it twice...
Get married, that is.

At my last wedding the extremely posh groom's father and uncle (brothers who hated each other with a venom)turned up with matching black eyes.
Apparently another relative (a retired Colonel as it happened) had to get between them.

So, we've all been to weddings whether as a participant or just as a guest. Someone always cocks something up, tell us...was it you?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:12, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Miracle of Birth
Everyone has a story about how they popped unceremoniously into this world -- or at least, the nine months immediately preceding. From conception to the maternity ward, tell us your stories.
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 10:18, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh great B3tan overlords!
For too long thou has forsaken us! In previous times, thou hast given unto us no less that two fine questions about poo, sexeral about sex and at least one about vomit! But you have overlooked that other most neccessary of bodily functions - that of the expelling of waste water from our bodies. Surely some B3tans must have some interesting stories about piss.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 9:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)