Kid's ever drop you in it?
Tell us your story's of kids saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 12:16, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

SPAM
Everybody's had spam, be it from the sons of dead nigerian generals or russian brides that want to love you long time, we've all got a story to tell.
(tb2571989 dies at precisely, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 13:01, Reply)

Insane Landlords
I dont know whether its just me, but pretty much every landlord I have rented with is batshit crazy (or a total arsehole). There must be a squillion stories waiting to be told.
(Turbo Blackbeard And then squirry the squirrel went nee nee nee nee, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 18:52, Reply)

I do apologise, I've got Tourette's
Accidental swearing! When have you sworn at someone unintentionally? You know, just cos you swear a lot anyway and it....ummm....just slipped out at a really inappropriate time and to an inappropriate person.

I called my gran a bastard when i was about 5. My older brother told me to.

'Go and call Gran a bastard!'

Off I toddle: 'You're a bastard Gran!'

Well, I was too young to know what it meant, wasn't I? She was mortified.
( spesh., Sat 5 Sep 2009, 11:33, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Guardian Angels
New age nonsense or matter of fact?
Have you ever had an experience that should have ended in disaster and maybe even death?
But instead you end up hyperventulating face down in a pile of debris with your neck suspended just over a sheet of glass and wondering WTF just happened and why arent I dead?
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 1:52, Reply)

Where and how have you got stuck?
And all assorted ridiculousness involved with it, how long you were stuc, whether the fire brigademen had to intervene, etc etc. I've done it several times myself, but particularly topical due to POO GIRL!

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2621557/Meet-girl-who-got-stuck-in-toilet-at-the-Leeds-Festival.html

A girl for whom handbags are far more important that swimming in a pile of shit
( Satur9 The shoes!, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Oh.....that's disgusting
I was in my room on November 1st 1992 (making me 8) happily nomming on my Halloween treats, delicious confectionary spiders, tasty gummi eyeballs and licking my chocolatey fingers with glee. I was having a whale of a time, until I remembered with a slight feeling of dread that I had been picking my botty free of threadworms and popping them between my fingers not 10 minutes previously.

Of course I hadn't washed my hands.

What disgusting things have you inadvertantly/advertantly done?
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 14:01, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dumping & Dumped
Ever been dumped by text message? Ever told someone you were gay to get out of seeing them? Ever slept with someone's best mate who looks like Jeff Capes so that your girlfriend would find out and dump you because you were too much of a pussy to do the honorable thing and dump her to her face?

Its always funny hearing about other peoples relationship misfortunes - extra points for satan-worshippers, bunny-boilers and court injunctions.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 10:55, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

What fucking about have you done on wikipedia?
Now that wikipedia want to verify edits before publishing them, a source of literally minutes of fun seems to be coming to an end!

According to wikipedia (well, after an edit by my mate that lasted about 5 minutes before they edited his edit. Bastards.) the national sport of Bangladesh is running with scissors.

What articles have you fucked about with? bonus points for length! (of time before they changed it back, obviously).

Bindun? Hope not.
( spesh., Thu 3 Sep 2009, 8:43, Reply)

The Power of Advertising
I've just had my lunch. When I slouched out the office I saw a trio of orthodox jews complete with hats and little twirly locks of hair. Gave me a hankering for a bacon sandwich. Got me thinking about the power of advertising...

Tell us about how you've been influenced by advertising campaigns, slogans or products and the lengths you've gone to to conform (or not) to the whore-dog mass marketed crappy bollocks we have shoved in our faces on a daily basis.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 2 Sep 2009, 13:32, Reply)

Weddings.
I'm getting married in 360 days (not that I'm counting), and already I've fallen out with my entire family regarding their thoughts on how I should conduct my wedding.

Tell us about your wedding-related disasters.

(Yes, it's been done, but not for quite a while).
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 10:47, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Stupidest thing you have done to please/get a women/man
ronseal
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Tue 1 Sep 2009, 4:35, Reply)

Diets and Dieting.
I'm currently going through a self-imposed diet at present, trying to shed off some unnecessary weight. (hey, it's the internet: It's practically a requirement to have excess weight) Maybe other b3tans could give their stories on how they dieted, diet tips or maybe dieting disaster stories of people they know.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 31 Aug 2009, 22:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Schadenfreude -
- a malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others.

My business partner ripped me off comprehensively. A couple of years later she lost a leg to diabetes, and soon afterwards died. How sad.

If she hadn't dropped me in it I'd have been there to help her in her time of need - but then again, tough, eh.

Whose misfortune have you enjoyed, however guiltily?
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 19:36, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Bollocks
I was listening to the Radio the other day and someone arguing against banning air rifles said:

'What about football, eh? Football's killed and injured more people than all the guns in the world put together, and no one's suggesting banning football.'

You what?

Tell us about absolute bollocks you've heard people come out with.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:26, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Conspiracy theory nutters.
Conspiracy theories are great aren't they? Anyone can add two and two together and come up with five, yet some people remain convinced that five is actually the answer and that four is merely a government cover up designed to placate the unsuspecting masses, who will all die of swine flu once the illuminati have completed their EVIL PLAN.

Tell us your stories of encounters with tinfoil hatters and their unsubstantiated paranoia. Bonus points if you actually managed to start a conspiracy theory following a bet down the pub.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 Aug 2009, 11:42, Reply)

Dead Pets
RIP Sadie Marie - I'll never forget the camping trip when you rolled in my shit and them proceeded to steal and eat three finely char-grilled steaks. Or Rusty - you could dive to the bottom of a lake to retrieve rocks looking like some kind of epileptic otter in the water. And who can forget "Bruce Lee Samurai Party Cat, alias Super Dave Stunt Kitty Osborne". That little fellow smoked more weed than Bob Marley.

Entertain us with tales of your deceased pets. Nothing like a dead kitten story to brighten your morning.
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 21:16, Reply)

For at least the last few months
the quality of writing, even on the 'Best' page has been pretty dismal, we need an incentive to lure funny, witty, intelligent people back here. So here's my idea;

An option on the QOTW, maybe even on the other boards too, to contribute a small amount towards a prize fund, say around £5-10. At the end of the week the member with the highest ranking post collects most of the money, while a small amount goes to B3ta.

I know that there will be problems with things like cheating, and setting something like this up to begin with (possibly through paypal or a similar site?), but I think it would help some of us to get off our lazy backsides and put some effort in.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 15:06, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

...and i'm out
ive just been teasing Miss Kitty with tales of imaginary cat abuse - along the lines of...

"to stop a troublesome cat knocking expensive things over at home simply nail its tail to the middle of the floor and Hey Presto! an entertaining WhirlyScreechCat™ - hours of harmless fun for kids that also helps mum as it "Beats as it Sweeps as it Screams" simples!

What crackpot contraption would you pitch to the Dragons?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 13:28, Reply)

Body Modding
Over the last 4 years, I went from having an inkless body to 11 tattoos, and 2 peircings. Pride and joy are my spongebob tat, my WWBBD (What would Brian Boitano do) and my very first one. Cat spring roll in chinese. Im thinking about scarification next.

What do you have?
(danglesmurf, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 3:28, Reply)

traits that rub off
I have 'trained' my little lad so that if my wife nags me he shouts at her: Mummy! Stop giving Daddy a row!

But some things they pick up themselves. Mrs Spimf had to stifle her laughter recently when trying to get him up to bed she was told indignantly 'Shut up woman, I'm sick to death of it'

He's three.

What bad habits have you passed on to others?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 1:45, Reply)

Probably bindun before, but...
What about the single most brilliant original idea you've ever had? I'm much better at stealing people's ideas and moulding them into my own than coming up with fresh ones, so my shout is combining chilli and mash into a glorified Shepherd's pie con chilli...
(NorwegianLube Erm..., Sun 23 Aug 2009, 16:59, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

I was almost killed by...
What interesting or unusual things have come close to ending your life?

I was almost killed by the Queen.
As a child I lived within a decent cycling distance of Windsor Great Park and during the summer holidays myself and friends would often ride up there and play in the woods, splash about in the waterfall or whatever.
One day, about 25 years ago, while on a daily adventure we came upon the edge of the Guard's Polo Ground at Smiths Lawn.
There was a large linear crowd up ahead so we dropped our bikes and run up to them to see what was going on. I pushed through the throng only to find the crowd not as deep as I first thought and I stumbled out onto a road just in time to feel the wing mirror of a car whizz past my chest.
Nearest me in the passenger seat was Prince Charles, obviously having just played a match, driving however was his mother.
(Baj does Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/w92baj, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 20:44, Reply)

That's when it all started to go wrong.
On Wednesday, I was rejected without an interview from the 8th job I've applied for in two months. Half an hour later I was informed I'm going to have to move in a month. To cap it all this morning, I bloke I really like emailed me to tell me that while he was flattered I seemed to like him, that I should be aware that it was never going to happen (*). All in all, it's been a cunt of a week.

Tell me about your triple whammys of depressing news. Or even better, just post pictures of kittens. I like kittens.

(*) to give him some credit he was nicer about it than that.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 13:45, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What spaccy "doh!" moment have you had lately?
This morning, Bomber cat leaped at the screen in my living room, knocking it out and escaping into the "big bad world". Oh crap, oh crap!
Lock Stealth cat up in the bedrom so he can't escape, and find Bomber under a chair on my patio. Grab the little runt and bring her in and lock her in the bedroom with Stealth.
It's 5 minutes before I have to leave for work, and I'm frantically cutting up a cardboard box to tape over the frame so burglars don't get in....and then, I had an epiphany.

I walked over and closed the window.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 21:46, Reply)

Cooking disasters
A lot of b3tans seem to like to cook, I know I do and am quite proud of my mad skillz. However, I've had some catastrophic failures as well, and I've witnessed more.

Regale us with tales of burning, exploding, steamy failure.

credit to spankyhanky among others
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 15:22, Reply)

Fraud
I've always wanted to take all the credit card numbers out of the database I maintain and blow the money on cars and hookers. The most fraudulent thing I've ever done is pay for 20 patio tiles when I claimed there were actually 25. Unlike the "Brazilian Two" I'm too feeble to break the law. What's your biggest fraud scam and can I use it?
(snowboardrob, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 12:21, Reply)

Run like fuck!
We've all done something stupid or childish the only immediate reaction to was to scatter and hide.

What did you do that you had to run away from very fast?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 11:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Lost & Found
We've all lost something but the lucky few of us have found that thing again, the elite among us have found it somewhere weird or under unusual circumstance. Like the time my house keys turned up in the freezer...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 11:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Flirting
Apparently I'm really bad at it. My friend likened watching me flirt to watching a 747 spiral out of control towards a children's playground. Messy, slightly fascinating and it's never going to end well.

So reassure me that I'm not the only one. After all, this is the internet and not everyone can be lucky enough to own a Honda Accord and have a supermodel girlfriend...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 9:05, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)