This is what I can offer you
As a fully dedicated member of B3ta, I'd like to offer a free meal to anyone who wants one at the restaurant I work at in Birmingham. What can your profession offer me?
(PassTheKhat, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 3:01, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Things you've stolen whilst drunk
My home is dotted with things I've 'liberated' whilst tipsy. I have a lovely Marlboro ashtray from Germany, a handy traffic cone/men at work combination (stolen by my ex-housemate) and more branded glasses than I know what to do with (most of these are from the pub where I work, so this is ok).

However, last night, me and Mr Anodyne tried to steal a cat.

It wasn't having any of it, so we let it go. In our defence, it was cute and we have a mouse in the woodpile.

What's the oddest thing you've stolen whilst drunk?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:20, Reply)

Undesirable things you found in your food/drink
Although I haven't found anything nasty in my own food that's worth talking about (only insects in fruit and veg), while sorting through packaging today I recently read an article in an old newspaper that was about a guy who found a 10p coin inside a tin of baked beans.

This article reminded me of other stories that I've come across that were do with various food-related suprises, including a dead, sliced mouse found baked inside a Hovis bread loaf, a plastic bread wrapper tie found grilled inside a cheese sandwidge, and an inch-long wood splinter inside a chocolate bar.

Anyone had more interesting "finds" in thier food?
(Darkhoodness jumped on his own grenade & blowed to smitheroons, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 1:00, Reply)

Revelations.
Until a few months ago I always read FTW as "fuck the what" and thought that's what it stood for and a friend of mine thought you couldn't get pregnant doing it "doggy style."

What revelations have you had after far too long?
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 0:52, Reply)

The Vote, The Country, The Choice
OK, so we're in mid-election bandwagon country, so, say, if by sheer fluke, miracle, or a Bullies special prize, you got to take the helm and change the country, what would YOU do to make a difference? - Grab your soapbox, and make your ideas heard - let the flaming commence..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 21:52, Reply)

Best job ever
I assisted in the disassembling cleaning, moving and restoration of printing presses of all vintages for printmakers, print workshops and college/uni print departments. A peculiar combination of brute force, heavy lifting, white spirit, oil and grease with delicate manoeuvring and painstaking precision adjustments. I got to travel, meet some very interesting people and learnt how to keep obsolete machinery in use, as well as keeping the wolf from the door. It was the happiest I have ever been working for a living. What was your best job?
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 13:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Rude Haiku's (or is Haiku already plural ?)
Moist and eager
Young woman smiles on
Engorged member
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Fri 2 Apr 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Marketing Bollox
When I worked at HSBC, they spent millions on rebranding. The consultants came up with this brilliant idea:

"HSBC no longer stands for Hong Kong - Shanghai Banking Corporation, it stands for nothing, it is no longer an acronym it is just HSBC". Hundreds of thousands spent, result? Umm... nothing! Same logo, but wow! HSBC means HSBC now instead of umm... HSBC... Result!

Inspired by post from Colonel Boris www.b3ta.com/board/9988934#post9988943
( simbosan Hello you cunt, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 13:36, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

April Fools.
I demand that you all entertain me with with tales of practical jokes.
NOW.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 12:45, Reply)

what has B3TA done for you ?
The Front page nearly got me fired today,
So what has B3ta doen for you? Have you met your beloved or gotten fired?
( hedge_diver, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 18:58, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

presents
I just read an article about teachers getting presents at the end of term getting all out of hand and got me thinking what is the most innapropriate gift/present you have given or recieved?
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Wed 31 Mar 2010, 17:22, Reply)

Opposites
How have you acted the opposite of what you thought you would do? Or done something that is entirely culturally different to what you've been brought up to, or a conflict between two different sides of you?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Picked twice in a row, going for the hat-trick
I had been friends with the girl across the road since we were both 5. When we were 13, we were walking across an overgrown field/meadow on the edge of town when we started play-fighting. She got me to the floor and pinned me. "Ha!" she said triumphantly, but then I managed to roll and ended up pinning her. Rather than trying to push me off, she wrapped her arms and legs around me and pulled me down onto her but I managed to wriggle free.

Some months later, she admitted that on that July afternoon, the hot sunshine had made her horny as hell and sexy things were going to happen, but my innocence had secured my virginity for another 4 years.

Tell us about your missed opportunities.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 11:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

What makes you proud
Every day I walk my son to school over what used to be the runway of RAF Skellingthorpe, now long defunct, which was one of the many bases in Lincolnshire that sent planes out to thwart the Nazis. My son's school is called Lancaster, after the bombers. There are the usual games laid out, hopscotch etc, but also a list of the many planes lost. And it's a lot. Hundreds lost from this one airfield.
Walking over it makes me proud that there were men and women willing to die for me and mine.
What makes you proud. To be British (or wherever you're from), to be a good person, whatever.
( Sallyrsm, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:11, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Bizarre Prejudice
Are you prejudiced? I realised today that I make a hell of a lot of snap decisions, some of them very strange indeed e.g. all bouncers are thick, vicious and unreasonable; all people in the University drama society don't wash and are slags; all girls wearing over a certain amount of make up aren't really worth talking to; people from small Scottish villages think far too much of themselves; outspoken male feminists are all secretly angry because they wank themselves into a coma every night.

It goes on. What (ideally humorous) examples of prejudice can you think up? Don't just bang on about how you never judge people on first impressions - no-one will believe you.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 22:01, Reply)

In the door mirror of my car
lives a spider. and has done for a few years. It spins a web from the mirror to the door and when I'm driving along, rather than retreat into the mirror, it hangs on and flaps about. I'm sure it enjoys the thrill of it.

Anybody else have any stories of vehicle-dwelling arachnids that enjoy an adrenlin rush? Perhaps you have a wood-scorpion that enjoys pot-holing in your exhaust manifold.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 17:26, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Unexpected success
Last year I made a simple bed for my VW camper that allowed my 4yr daughter to sleep in the front of the van leaving more space for me in the back.
People saw it and asked me to make more. Word spread and now I'm making lots.

Sometimes something leads to totally unexpected success or positive outcome.

When has something yielded great results for you when not intended?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Cultural Cross-Dressing
In a choice between Top Gear and Loose Women, I would choose to watch Loose Women. Likewise, I would rather read a magazine like Heat or Take A Break over a copy of What Hi-Fi or Nuts.

Conversely, I know more girls who have read The Game by the sociopath Neil Strauss than men.

What habits do you have which are more stereotypical of the opposite sex?
( monkeon schmonkeon, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 13:31, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Third time lucky?
Volunteering:

"Yeah, no probs. I'll give you hand." Ever regretted saying that?

Ever volunteered to spend time with dying kids in a hospice?

Were you forced to sing for the old folks at Christmas?

Did you spend six months in a primary school in Nigeria?

Tell us all about it.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 13:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

How clean is your spouse?

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 12:49, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Smash!
This weekend, my mate invested a lot of money in a nearly new Volvo 850. He went 40 miles to fetch it and, before getting home, he had spanked it into the back of someone on a roundabout and appears to have written it off.

Tell us about your entertaining accidents.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 29 Mar 2010, 8:11, Reply)

Help me, Trick Cyclist!
An old flatmate of mine used to mark the level of her milk. She also positioned furniture and magazines at right angles and lost her cool if, for some reason, things were incorrectly aligned.

Another flatmate of mine, Steve, was last seen being hustled into the care of the police after being found running up and down the road, shirtless and waving a flaming bit of wood, claiming that the Masons were controlling his thoughts.

Finally there was Jim; one of my closest friends, closet gay, top artist, bit odd. He went the whole Van Gogh trip and chopped off one of his thumbs.

What other lovable lunatics have you known or lived with, and how have they affected your lives?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 29 Mar 2010, 7:23, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Friends...
A good friend will tell you when it's time to stop drinking... an even better friend will wake you up in the police cells the next morning to say "Fuck! What a night!"
What's the best thing a friend has ever done for you, or you've done for a friend.
( difficultchild, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 1:20, Reply)

What has a b3tan done to make you smile?
This site has been around for a long time now, and I don't think there's been a question about interactions with fellow b3tans.

A couple days ago, I got a gaz from someone who I don't really know at all, just saying that they found my stories inspirational. It brought a massive smile to my face because...well, let's face it...I never put up funnies, do I?!

But that gaz was lovely and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
What has a fellow b3tan done for you, whether you know them or not?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 28 Mar 2010, 0:04, Reply)

dreams
my mate once had a dream that involved me laying eggs in the street. what's the weirdest dream you've had?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 27 Mar 2010, 21:26, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Insects
I have woken in the night to find myself nomming a big fucking spider and been stung on the cock by a wasp.

How have mother natures little bastards proved their cuntery to you?
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Sat 27 Mar 2010, 0:51, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Where were you when................?
We all remember where we were when major world events happened. 9/11, The moon landings, death of Princess Di, Marathon changed to Snickers...

During 9/11 I was already on a plane to the Cook Islands, which was allowed to continue to its destination, and hence I have a passport stamp for 11th September 2001.

Where were you when the shit hit the fan?
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Sat 27 Mar 2010, 0:14, Reply)

Bureaucracy and red tape
Spending two days at work filling out H&S forms instead of doing actual useful stuff, the best thing I can hope for is to get a QTOW out of it.

So ensure you have filled out a risk assessment form for using the mouse, and click I like this to request the paperwork to requisition a fresh question.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 18:38, Reply)

Proper WTF moments
Amazing stupidity (yes, I know we've just had that), astounding feats of supernatural intelligence, predicting things with uncanny accuracy, or just full-on mentalist episodes that you don't understand. They all count as WTF moments - tell us about yours*

*it doesn't matter whether you witnessed it or initiated it
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)