Bosses who talk in cliche...
Everyone knows one, a bit like Johnson from Peep Show.

For example, by boss uses "step up to the plate", "bang my door down", "work hard, play hard", etc... You get the picture.

Truly appalling.
(Fatty Thornton, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Worst Falls in Stairs
What was your worst fall in the stairs???


In fell in the stairs in February and broke my leg. The year before I broke my nose, guess how. Yes, I fell in stairs.
(alexlightfoot1 has to do toilet on, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 20:44, Reply)

What about 'Your Last Meal?'
You're on Death Row, to be executed or whatever, and you're allowed whatever you like, within reason, for your last meal.

I'd have several pieces of fried chicken, spicy wings, chips and Dr Pepper, but then again I am a Fat.
It would be either that, or a full Christmas dinner with everything.
( moohalaa, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 14:18, Reply)

worst example of a dating ad
e.g. 45, wacky, n/s, own home & car, male-own hair and SOH, likes cats, nights in and scalextric-not really-its only occasional. WLM white female 40-50's, nice looking preffered but SOH and honesty more important-must like kids.

that kind of thing...
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 12:58, Reply)

gratitous use of the word gullible?
venue: Crown Pasada, noocastle upon tyne-like

fem student behind bar, bored, looking thru' new dictionary....'oooh ses I , is that the one where they've taken gullible out?'
'I'll just check' ses she to general mirth amongs t'assembled t shirted, mini skirted, not much clothes wearing, tho' it was december, geordies
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 12:50, Reply)

The most horrific thing I've ever seen.
I was walking home from school one day when I came across a grizzly sight on the corner of a road. It was a fox, eating a cat. Not sure what to do, I watched it blankly for a while. It then threw up on the cat, and continued eating, having doused it in it's own marinade.

What's the most horrific thing you've ever seen?
( Lightguy hail satan, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 16:08, Reply)

I heard a rumour
I was once on the receiving end of a particularly vicious kick in the plum in the school playground, and a rumour went round that I'd lost a bollock as a result.

I wouldn't have minded quite so much had I not been accosted by my mother as I emerged from the bathroom one morning a few days later for an unexpected "short arm" inspection.

"Just checking they're both still there" she said.

Have you ever been the victim of outrageous rumour?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 11:51, Reply)

Where is the best place in the world?
I've got loads of best places....places I've been on holiday, places where I've been really happy, or had great things happen to me...

So where are they and why are they the best?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 19:35, Reply)

food poisoning
ever deliberatly given your self food poisoning for whatever reason?

i once woke up after a heavy nights drinking and i went to the kitchen to find something to eat to cure my hang over. all i had were some burgers that were a day or two (mostly the two) out of date.
pausing for a second by the bin i decided that the symptoms wont kick in for a good few hours and by then i'll be hang over free and able to cope with it.

i was sick all after noon, kept up all night by stomach cramps and there was a violent evacuation of my bowels in the morning.

but other than that totally worth it!
(suboftheday, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 12:49, Reply)

gullibility/naivety
what have you fallen for like a muppet or convinced someone else is true?

i have a good story but i'm not sharing it unless/until this gets picked. i'm not so naive as to think the omnipotent mods ever listen to me...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Jun 2007, 12:32, Reply)

What you lookin' at?
What have you done thats attracted unwanted attention in public?

Being 6'5 and looking like Russell Brand, i get stared at a lot anyway. But recently i got some unwanted attention when a child looked at me and cried in a cafe. Everyone looked at me like I'd just pissed in their coffees.

Fuckers.
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 22:33, Reply)

I'm still not over it....
From a discussion in the pub it appears I still haven't got over the fact that my mum threw out my vintage Millenium Falcon when we moved house. Thirteen years ago. What have you still not got over??
(LargeDoner, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 1:28, Reply)

Overstaying your welcome
we all had experiences with this: the last guy out of a long-over party, the "aww, just one night, mate!"-guy who then grew roots into your couch. probably some good stories from b3tans about overstaying welcomes.
(snordfjord Cranky...like a crank!, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 21:45, Reply)

World's worst shower gels
For some reason, whenever the weed comes out, me and my friends always brainstorm ideas for great variations of household items.

Last time it was 'World's worst shower gels'. The best ones were:
Smoked mackerel
Tripe and Onions
Hockey jock

Prior to this we had 'World's most unusal Crisp Flavours'
i.e.
Ham, Mustard and Crackling
Salmon and Dill
Emu and aubergine
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 16:07, Reply)

Pranks
I love the prank idea, its great.

Inspired by Dara O'Brinan, whenever i go on the underground (not very often), i set an alarm with a ringtone for 10 mins into the journey, usually by this time we're in the darkest depths of the underground where no-one ever has a signal.

My phone 'rings', i pretend to answer it and make suprised comments about horrorfic news stories or stock market crashes. Its great to see the business men tearing their hair out...
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 11:56, Reply)

Collective nouns
Okay, we know that a large congragation of geese is known as a "Gaggle" and I believe that aside from a herd, a large number of cows is known as a "murder".

What collective nouns do you feel appropriate for more mundane situations? Personally I'd go with a "Belm" of PE teachers, an "Unintelligible" of Brummies and perhaps a "Twat" of New Labour MPs.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 8 Jun 2007, 9:23, Reply)

overheard mobile phone conversations
sitting on a train the other day i heard a bloke describe how a 33-yr-old friend or relative of his had gone into hospital to have a baby, had a stroke while giving birth, and was now on a life support with a blood clot on her brain ... what other inappropriate conversations have people heard in public?
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 8:34, Reply)

The funniest shit that happened to you today..this day
Come on.. we all get teh funnies.
(baybled, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 0:54, Reply)

Your first all-nighter
I was a young lad of 15, we used to go round to this girl's hotel lets call her 'Claire'. Claire's mother was basically scum, and let her daughter do everything she wanted so we abused this fact by befriending her just to get drunk on weekends (for free). On one November night it was nearing 3a.m and we were bored, drunk and wide awake. so in my ultimate wisdom i suggested we go to Oliver's Mount (nice viewing point in Scarborough, you can see the entire town and the sea). Myself my best mate and this stoner kid decide to go, so off we run in the dark whilst it snows.

We get to the top of the mount at around 4a.m and sit around freezing our arses off until about 6a.m at which point we hastily leave as McDonalds breakfasts open at 6:30a.m. It was really crap and really cold (The weather and the McDonalds breakfast), and it was overcast so we didnt even see a nice sunrise, at least we managed to sneak back in the hotel at 8a.m and grab a cooked breakfast before sleeping until around 2 in the afternoon.

*Prays to the B3tan gods that my question is picked*
(boshalake attempted to be sober on, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 22:40, Reply)

Avoiding that certain someone
If someone you don't want to talk/see rings you or calls round, what do you do to put them off? What lies do you tell them e.g. just going out, got dinner on, averting world disaster etc.

It's even funnier when they patently don't believe you he he he.
(TheGizoid wowling since, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 14:37, Reply)

Really crap unfunny jokes
What is the single most unfunny joke you've heard? So crap you find yourself laughing?

You know the ones: What's brown and sticky? A stick.

And others of that ilk, etc ad infinitum.
(TheGizoid wowling since, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Worst week ever?
So, yesterday, my husbands dad died. Today, my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer (the exact thing father in law died of).

What's the worst thing that happened to you in a week?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 3:41, Reply)

Your Greatest Pranks
Have you ever witnessed a great prank?
Tricked your mates? Have you ever been a victim of a great prank? We want to know, please do tell.
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Wed 6 Jun 2007, 22:16, Reply)

Buses
Aren't buses shit?

I mean really.

Theres a bus driver here in sunny Hampshire and he has the whole paedo-look going on. He has a shaved head and a little cross earring and his teeth stick out so far that if you punched him in the mouth your fingers would be cut off.

I was at the bus station talking about something with a mate when i made a joke about Paedos (as ya do) and he walked past giving me the most evil look ever. He has hated me ever since.

I didn't exactly help when yesterday, after waiting at my stop for about 30 mins before he rolled up looking stressed. "Man, your early" i said, he glared at me and i scrambled for a seat before he knocked me out.

Another thing, I was at the same stop and the bus was at the traffic lights on a four way junction with a roadsweeper infront of it. The sweeper pulled out, seemingly to go forward,when the bus shot past him, nearly crashing in the middle of the junction. He drove up to us at the stop and nearly overshot before breaking hard. He opened the doors, looked right at me and said "Phew, that was close, wasn't it?"

Christ. Your bad experiences with buses, maybe?
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 14:36, Reply)

Lies you believed
About six months ago I was sitting in a pub with some male friends who told me that when a guy has to do a poo they have to hold there other bits and bobs to keep them out of the way. I believed this up until a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned it they explained how they lied.

Then again I believed until I was 11 that cats and dogs where the same species and that all cats where female and all dogs male
(Dingo21 killing hippos on, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 5:18, Reply)

Mental Images You Could Do Without - I second that bowel motion
I was having a lully chat to my mummy on the phone when she asked me how it was going with my boyfriend. Fine, I said, and she made some cheery reference to me getting lots and lots of white sticky sex (in not so many words). I said "not really, I'm on at the moment", to which she said...

"Oh, don't you have sex during your period? The last time your dad and I did it it was *very* red..."

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA FLUFFY BUNNIES AND RAINBOWS LA LA LA LA LA
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 3:53, Reply)

Mental images you could do without
You know the kind, only today i was sat in a meeting with a client an elderly lady who is quite nice...

but she has a gurgling colostomy bag.. i mean seriously! im sat there in this small quiet room while shes filling forms in and i hear the most vile sound ever - you know that noise that you bowels make just before you fart? imagine that coming from under someones jumper... my imagination goes into overdrive and im left wondering if she was flatulating into that bag... or has she filled it? then the smell came.... the most god awful smell i have ever had the misfortune to [smell/taste/chew/cut with a knife]

is it possible these things can leak? i didn't wait to find out! i put my hand in my pocket and navigated to my phone and managed to press the volume button on my phone to give the impression it was ringing made some bullshit excuse about an emergency at the office and left!
(The Reverend annoying the regulars since, Tue 5 Jun 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Conversations and urination
Well, while there never is a *good* time to talk about "where the relationship is going". The following maxim is however true:

5 mins before the start of "Celebrity Technicolour Dreamcoat Dancing on Ice in the Jungle" = Much better time

5 mins before the start of the San Marino Grand Prix = Very bad time indeed.

As for having to pee when the old chap is stood to attention, it's something you'd only ever contemplate in a dire emergency and in an extreme hurry.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 5 Jun 2007, 14:05, Reply)