Things swallowed....
A good QOTW would be, whats the strangest thing youve swallowed. Accidentally, or for a dare. Can range from stupidly sucking on a marble to being dared to swallow a grotesque insect.

Once i was sucking on one of those giant gobstoppers when i accidentally swallowed it, i managed to avoid choking but instead it started going down, seeming to ignore the fact that it didnt fit. It took about 15 minutes to go the whole way, de-virginising my eosophagus as it went. Most uniquely painful experience of my life.
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 19:17, Reply)

staff training days
waste of fucking time are they not?

At my last work I got given my vital safety training on my last day so "I couldn't sue"

What takes the biscuit, nay whole bloody jaffa cake was the crap I had to sit through whilst at a super market. Not content with a 'how to mop'* instructional video I had to sit through diversity training. This consisted of five 17 to 22 year olds having to brainstorm all the words your wernt allowed to call people. still at least it was made clear to us that we couldn't call a customer a "fucking mong"**

*anyone at morrisons will verify this for you.
**actual quote. we were not trusted to know that this was innaproprate
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Lies, damned lies
At university I had a friend who claimed to actually be a secret agent employed by the government, posing undercover as a languages student in order to travel "back and forth through the Iron Curtain without arousing suspicion". She told some great stories about seducing enemy agents and sometimes shooting them. All utterly ridiculous, not least the fact that she told absolutely everyone about the latest "top secret plans", the disclosure of which "could jeopardise England as we know it". But the best bit was that another of my friends actually believed every word.

What are the most entertaining lies that people have told you? And did you fall for them?
(Turangalila, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 3:14, Reply)

lack of toilet paper
what would you do if there was no TP left
(TheDirtyMac estimated time, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 0:22, Reply)

The Language Barrier
As a Brit in the US I can be misunderstood in conversation, sometimes with hilarious consequences. Though usually not. But the majority of my co-workers are actually Chinese and despite speaking excellent English, certain nuances can be lost.
For example, I accidentally outed two straight blokes during a meeting last week, due to a misunderstanding during a conversation about "partners". There is now a new girl in my lab who thinks that all the blokes she works with are gay. Ooops.

So when have your communication skills let you down? Splillez le beans as they may or may not say en France.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:35, Reply)

Too much information
Inspired by a response to the Guilty Secrets QOTW...

We've all done it, opened mouth before engaging brain and come out with slightly more than intended. A friend of mine when quizzed why she was late to the pub announced "At accident and emergency, having a stuck tampon removed. They had to have a right old dig around for it."

Suffice to say, no one was interested in the Scampi Fries after that.

So come on, when have you shared just that little too much?
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:29, Reply)

The million doller question
Who would you shag of the same sex if your life depended on it - or not - if your like that anyway.
( girlinthehole, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 11:43, Reply)

How would you get away with it?
A murder maybe? Or a theft?

I'd like to think that killing someone with a sharp, & strong, icicle would leave very little evidence.

Entertain, or inform, us all with how you'd do something & get away with it.
(Infernus Annoying board Nazis on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 10:37, Reply)

Social ineptitude
We're all b3tans, therefore we are all geeks, therefore we are all socially inept. We must have some great stories.

I know I have. Like, this one time, I saw a female acquaintance out of the corner of my eye and for a split second, thought she was a bloke. And I thought it would be funny to tell her that.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 10:05, Reply)

Did you know?...
Illustrating Trivia.
Gawd knows Wikipedia's full of it. As well as trivia. Did you know that Paul Gadd played a priest on a recording of Jesus Christ Superstar? Coincidence nes pas?

Well the world needs to know! And they respond to images more than they can't be arsed to read much.
( Uncle Gilly hides from Plato, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 2:41, Reply)

my ears are burning
what sort of outrageous stuff have you overheard?
working in a pub where all the customers think we cannot hear anything they are talking about.
this one group of people always say dumb stuff just as i pass them
eg "and a si got my hand there, her panties were sooo wet!" and
"no no no, it should be; more libations my imperial lord?"
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:00, Reply)

What is the sickest thing you've ever seen a girl do.
Here is mine :)

Well, me and a fellow traveler found this small, dark, damp club in one of the seedier parts of Bangkok.

We were led down some stairs to a room which had only had an L shaped couch in it, it was lined with beautiful women.

We were told we could pick whichever women we wanted for the night.

I chose this tiny bird, she said her name was Kitty, anyway she led me away to this room, locked the door and my night begun...

I made love to her, it was furious, we were like animals, as I was pumping away, I noticed she was bleeding, quite heavily, she told me to stop and as I did she reached down & from deep inside her & pulled out what looked like tiny brains, I stood there, slightly bemused, yet equally aroused.

She then asked me to place my hands out & as I did she placed these giblets into my hands & opened her mouth, she wanted me to feed them to her, I was, at first, shocked, but she insisted.

I chose one of the smaller giblets & fed it to her, she chewed on it for a bit and swallowed it all, by this point I had to make sweet love to her again, and as I did I would feed her the rest of her giblets that she placed in my hand.

Fun times.

I like to sum it up saying.

I have directly fed giblets of menstruum to my lover, from my fingers, as one might feed a pet.
(Indigo_Pool, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 9:10, Reply)

what's the worse or strangest thing you've witnessed at a festival.
since the festival season is now officially over with many people supporting fresh hangovers or come downs from leeds and reading.

i'll post my own story up once i've rememberd it.
( schizophrenic_sheep, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 2:47, Reply)

ever fed anything to someone you shouldnt have
ved a veggie meat

jized in someones soup

spat in your dads tea

or took delight in feeding someone pieces of your skin.

3 of these have been done by me:)

dinner at mine anyone?

inspire me with you story
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 20:24, Reply)

Strange talent
I can place most accents very well. I work as a medical secretary and have to deal with Drs from all over the world... I can usually tell where they come from without seeing them when I listen to them on audio tape. What weird and useless talents do you have?
(BlackAjah, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 1:22, Reply)

Best prank EVER
Everyone does it at some point. Whether it's the old hand-in-bucket of cold water while they sleep trick OR maybe that time you got as many of your friends as you possibly could to stand in your hallway and tell your mom it was the "annual hallway commitee meeting".

So let 'em rip! The best (or worst), funniest and most outrageous pranks you and your mates have ever pulled.
(TheVelvetKevorkian Sex, drugs and sausage rolls!, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 0:17, Reply)

Comic book adventures
I've been to casualty a number of times but have never seen a small child with a saucepan stuck on his head. Have you ever seen or witnessed a classic comic book scenario?
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:42, Reply)

Hiding...
Last year I went to a rather posh wedding. I correctly predicted that I would be the only guest that fancied a cigarette, and decided to sneak off on my own so that my cancer stick would not spoil the view. I looked around the reception venue in my slightly tipsy state and found what I thought was an amazing hiding place - the hedge maze!!! Suffice to say that within a minute of lighting up my friends had followed my smoke signals and informed me that everyone could see exactly where I had gone...

Where's the worst place you've ever chosen to hide?
(littlemsbroccoli, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:33, Reply)

Act your age
Today, me and a friend got thrown out and possibly banned from a cafe for stacking Wii competition adverts on a table.

We ran around the cafe stealing them from tables and stacked it around 10 adverts high which was pretty mighty.

The manager, however, did not appreciate our efforts and tossed us out.

What childish things have you done in public recently? Alternativley, why were you thrown out of somewhere....whatever.
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 17:13, Reply)

Crazy Sleepwalking:
What kind of strange things have you done while sleepwalking?
Or, so people have told you, anyway.
I remember once my sister came down early in the morning and drank all the fin-rot solution.
She turned green. The doctor said "Well I can tell you one thing; She won't get fin-rot."
( ClanSoul, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 14:58, Reply)

What cheers you up?
When you're pissed off/depressed/suicidal what is guaranteed to cheer you up? The numa numa guy on youtube always cheers me up!
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:51, Reply)

Not funny
I got into trouble at work a while back for being un-PC. It was meant to be funny but someone took it the wrong way. What have you done that you thought would be hilarous but ended up with you getting a bollocking?
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Stupid Ideas
Someone I know wants to buy their two year old son a laptop, not a fisher price one but a real one. How fucking stupid is that? He can barely talk let alone fucking type! What are the most stupid ideas you've heard of?
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:24, Reply)

Are all policement complete cnuts?
A guy I knew at the football suddenly develped a social conscience (ie saw a good wagepacket) and joined the police. After a month he came back to the match and told us he was doing really great at police college: "This guy from the race relation people came round and asked us to name all the nasty words we could think about for black people. I was the best in the class - I could name loads and loads...."
What's you experiences with Mr and Ms Plod?
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 17:54, Reply)

That shouldn't be there...
Once upon a time, my dad was rather surprised to find a bolt in a bottle of German beer. Yes, a 5-inch long bolt, complete with nut. He got 3 free crates of beer by way of compensation. What things have you found which shouldn't be there? What did you get out of it?
(Igor, The Evil Spacemonkey is behind you!, Sun 19 Aug 2007, 20:56, Reply)

A Nice QOTW
After Terrible Parenting, we all need a nice fwuffy happy QOTW. (Well, that or a nice chat with Lifeline, Samaritans or whoever tries to talk people out of slitting their wrists around your way.)

How about Stuff You've Won? I once won tickets to see Sonic Youth and Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy. Being 5'0", I was being crushed in the moshpit and the bouncers had to pull me out. I ended up watching the show in airconditioned comfort from a nice big box at the side of the stage.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 19 Aug 2007, 7:32, Reply)

A kebab shop round our way had to close because the owner was caught interfering with the cattle on the common lands.
What's the best urban myth round your way?

By Amorous Badger (http://www.b3ta.com/talk/3649071)
( thiswasmyclone, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 19:55, Reply)

Workmates from hell
I'm a typesetter who has to deal with a proofreader with OCD.
And I mean real 'Curious incident of the dog...' OCD.

Consequently every piece of work takes him around two to three hours to proof read (anyone else would take about half and hour), and he's constantly fucking around with things to get them to match his idea of what 'correct' is.

It's a fucking nightmare and no mistake.

What's your workmate from hell story?
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 10:52, Reply)

Shows what you know
In Year 12 (AS Level) I did shit-all work for the year, but revised like buggery.

Imagine my surprise when, with trembling fingers and sweaty palms, I opened my AS Level results to find AAD, with 100% on a couple of modules.

Brilliant, thinks I, I'll do shit all work next year.

All my teachers told me I couldn't possibly repeat this task at the much more difficult A Level.

Well I just went on UCAS and I've been accepted into my first choice University.

Shows what they know. Tell us your "shows what you know" stories about how someone who should have been right was oh-so wrong.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 8:11, Reply)