Also
If I'm skiing with friends, we sometimes sit at the bottom of the lifts and place bets on who the next person to fall flat on their face will be. Then we laugh at them. That can't be good for my karma.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 1:22, 1 reply)

...
Our ref. AB 4562
Your ref. DH 45


February 2nd, 2012


Dear Mr. ****,

You have been identified from university photographic records as being the man seen by CCTV cameras urinating from the open window of a minibus with registration XXX XXXX, property of **** University, on the westbound carriageway of the M8 at 0058 on Tuesday January 30th contrary to the Sexual Offences Act (2003). A preliminary hearing has been provisionally set for 9.45am in room 6b of Edinburgh Magistrates’ Court on May 8th 2012. To discuss the date or time of this hearing, please call Lothian and Borders Police (judiciary dept.) on 020 7622 3626.



Yours Faithfully,




Sgt. Andy McRae
Lothian and Borders Police





The phone number will put him through to Battersea dogs' home. Nobody does that when I'm driving.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 1:00, 9 replies)

Finger Jam
When I was 5 I kept telling my little brother to keep his fingers away from the door in case he'd get hurt. He kept ignoring me. So I closed the door to prove my point. Trapping his fingers and putting him in hospital.

I was scared out of my wits that my parents would beat me to death, thankfully in all the commotion my guilt was mistaken for just being upset, and it was put down as an accident.

This is the first time I've confessed to doing it on purpose, "for his own good" in my mind.. sadly it's a random act of evil.
( Halk, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 0:37, 2 replies)

I put a cat in a bin.
It was dead though.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 23:33, 5 replies)

When I wast a young teen on my first day's holiday in France
A bloke in a suit approached me, speaking in tongues, and from my rudimentary understanding of their language was able to glean he wanted to know what time it was.

Not having the foggiest idea how to tell him the time in French I simply showed him my wrist watch that I knew I hadn't yet adjusted for the time difference.

The guy looked alarmed and ran off muttering curses.

Perhaps after that Karma was getting its revenge, Earl-style, as pretty much every French person I attempted my faltering schoolboy French on was downright unpleasant or unhelpful to me for the rest of the holiday. Or maybe that was just the French in general.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 22:47, 1 reply)

Something something something
Portugal, something, milf, something else.

fuck off.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 22:37, 1 reply)

Fast food restaurant straws
When younger I used to pick one from the top of the dispenser at random and either spit into it or push bits of old manky food into it, then pop it back into the dispenser for some lucky punter to use.
Cunty behaviour.
(technocore, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 22:36, 1 reply)

I blame Vic Reeves
after a supermarket shop, we were carting our bags into the house, and my wife twatted me on the back of the head with our new frying pan. Apparently she "wanted to see if it made a 'dong' noise"
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 22:25, 7 replies)

I once blew up Princess Leia's home planet.
HA HA, FOOLED YOU ALL!
THAT'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING FROM STAR TREK.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 21:57, 3 replies)

I knew it was bad.
But this is just dire.
Heed my warning - no good will come of this.

While I'm here.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 21:45, 1 reply)

I once gave a girl my last Rolo,
watched her pop it tenderly into her mouth and only then told her it was stuffed with her late mother's tightly-packed fudge.
( .Yeti., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 21:44, 3 replies)

Back when I was a regular customer...
...in some of the less salubrious hostelries of my locality, a fun jape would be to turn up the flame of a disposable lighter to War in the Pacific proportions then leave it lying about, on the edge of the pool table maybe, until some no-necked, shaven headed pitbull of a man decides to light his cigarette.

When successful this would result not only in the ignition of tobacco product of choice, but also the removal of eyebrows, eyelashes and maybe a bit of skin.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 21:40, 2 replies)

Once, I was on a bus and I stood in front of the "Do not stand in front of this sign" sign.
I even talked to the driver.
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 20:29, 4 replies)

This one time
Dude walks up into my crib in his mutherfuckin' black pyjamas, all like "yo, I ain't steppin' out with you bitches". So we try to whack him but dude is BADASS; cuts my mutherfuckin' hand off then makes me throw my boss down a goddamn reactor shaft.
(square go, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 20:18, 4 replies)

'Nuff said.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 20:14, 5 replies)

I am considering buying an iPad
for I am told it is powered by the tears of Chinese babies
(Mr Gronk, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 20:04, 6 replies)

I pierced a snall with a holly leaf.
I thought my friends snails were better than mine, so when he wasn't looking I pierced one with the end of a holly leaf.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:54, 1 reply)

Glastonbury '95, it was late Sunday night, and I was in no fit state on my third night of doves.
There was a girl lying comatose on the ground, and for reasons I didn't understand then and still don't now, I ran up to her and booted her in the ribs as hard as I could.

Bad times.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:43, 66 replies)

Really Rubbish Job.
I used to work for a nasty retail chain in Scotland, the managers there always adopted the "I am much too important for this" attitude when dealing with the staff, and working conditions there were hell.

I had handed in my notice (I was fed up with the abuse from managers and customers) and on my last day, a few minutes before the end of my shift, I decided to get my revenge on those evil managers.

Every receipt printed there has a promotional message on it, usually some shit about special offers and such, I logged into a terminal (only one user name and password, everyone used) and accessed this data, I changed it so that every receipt had the words "The managers in Makro are Fucking Wankers"

It was hilarious, as apparently it took them three days to notice it, and hundreds of receipts had been printed, Imagine if you had just bought something from them, and noticed that printed on the receipt!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:40, 11 replies)

I used to regularly work for the Daily Mail.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:38, 3 replies)

Manx Cat
Many years ago I was youth hostelling on the Isle of Man (which only had one youth hostel) and exploring the island. I was waiting for a bus in Castletown one afternoon when an elderly man sitting at the back of a passing bus started shaking his fist, pulling furious faces and otherwise showing extreme displeasure towards me. I had and have no idea who he was or what I had done to provoke this. He hadn't got off his bus; I hadn't been on his bus.

So if you are reading this, furious baldy man on the Port Erin to Douglas bus in the summer of 1980, what was it all about, eh?
(ubergeekian, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:32, 4 replies)

Evil takeover
I'm going to drill a hole in the moon, thread a string through it, and conker the world.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:17, 1 reply)

Annoying customers
Back in the days before chip 'n' pin when I was a tillmonkey, if a customer was a pain in the arse I'd pass their credit or debit card over the extremely magnetic clothes-tag remover before handing it back to them. Not *truly* evil, I admit, but it amused me as I watched them walking out of the store to imagine them going through all the inconvenience getting a new card from the bank because their last one had mysteriously stopped working.

About three months later they put big stickers next to the clothes-tag removers, warning us and the customers of the dangers these things posed to cards, so I had to give up my means of petty revenge.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 19:10, 7 replies)

I once posted this shit.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 18:58, 3 replies)

People at school
loosening the top on the vinegar so you picked it up and absolutely drenched your food in vinegar.

How petty do you have to be to find that amusing, even as a 12 year old?

Plus, I bloody love vinegar, and prefer my chips swimming in it, so it wasn't as if I was even that put out.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 18:57, 2 replies)

My Brother.....
Aged two, decide to belt me over the head with dad's coal hammer. No idea why, but I can remember it hurting a lot, and lots of blood!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 18:56, 2 replies)

Second!
Oh yes!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 16 Feb 2012, 18:54, 1 reply)

First
Evil :P

(evil cannot create, only imitate)
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 18:54, 1 reply)

First
Evil :P
( b3tz, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 18:52, 1 reply)