I was sharing a room
My partner-in-living-space (Roomy) had a regular root [Australian for a sexual partner] (& often stayed @ hers).
I had pulled [convinced a prospective sexual partner to come home with me] 1 night with a pretty young (not that young) thing (PYT). We got back to mine [my humble abode] & I found 2 bottles of AUD$10 champers [sparkling white wine] on my bed. 1 of my other housemates owed me AUD$20 & I mistakenly assumed that he had paid me in kind as he worked in a bottle-shop [an off-license type place] @ the time.
We cracked [opened] a bottle and eventually got down to me being balls deep in her after some lengthy cunnilingus, 69 & general post-teenage eye-widening sex [We had sex].
Cue my roomy returning with entourage (including a drunk/drugged-up taekwondo headcase I shall call Baby Smurf [an obvious pseudonym]). Roomy interrupts coitus [sex], apologises then says - "Oh, shit you've opened the champagne". Whhhuu?!! [WTF?!]
Cue Baby Smurf barging into the room and dragging me out into the street (only just now NOT balls deep) & and kicking 6 different kinds of shit out of me [beating me up]- in my drunk, post-coital state.
I got my shit together, called a cab for the pretty young (now scared) thing (she took my copy of "Whale Nation" [a book] which I never saw again) & made it clear that although a misunderstanding had happened I wasn't happy! 1 of the very few times I've threatened to call the cops.
As it transpired - Roomy was going to propose to his (soon to be NOT) underage girly & was going to use the $10 champers to celebrate (all class [sarcasm]) - the bottles got left on my bed accidentally & I clearly made the wrong assumption.
Unfortunately Baby Smurf was renowned for having a short, bad temper and a bad speed fixation [he was generally drugged-fucked]. Didn't see him round much after that (Rikki - you were a psycho-cunt, I hope you have some more self-control now [my personal message to him - however I doubt he could figure the interwebs out let alone b3ta]). AFAIK [As Far As I know] Roomy and the child-bride lived happily ever after. PYT turned out to be a nice girl - but she never gave me back my copy of "Whale Nation". & me - well here I sit @ 1015 on A Saturday Night [a Cure song - chucked in for randoms] on b3ta.
Length/volume - about 750mL of shit champagne.[The usual "length" joke].
Does any of that help?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 13:52, 73 replies)

I've just turned the lappy upside down and this still doesn't make sense.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 13:58, closed)

Do, please take the time to figure it out for yourself.
Otherwise you're spoiling it for everyone else.
Otherwise gaz me for the easter eggs.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:01, closed)

I, for one, am outraged by Mr. A Badger's contribution
it takes away from the poorly written non-story above.

Yours
"Bovvered" in Bristol
( likeajackhammer, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:04, closed)

Why,
thank you.
Ms. Proops suggests you take your umbrage @ mumsnet.
EDIT: I stand corrected - thanks Shambles.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:07, closed)

And how, pray, does one take one's umbrage "out" anywhere?
You fucking oik. If you don't know how to use a word then don't use it.

That leaves you with ... what ... seven words. Should be enough to beg for food and whimper to mistress to stop kicking you.

edit: you're still wrong, you ridiculous halfwit
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:23, closed)

As far as I can work out, you're boasting about fucking an underager.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:08, closed)

No. That was the other guy (Roomy).
AFAIK PYT was definitely of legal rooting age.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:13, closed)

So, you're saying that you're friends with a peadophile?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:14, closed)

No. Not any longer.
& you?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:23, closed)

Internet defence no 345 here students the 'NO U'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:25, closed)

Aren't you just the British Press.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 6:05, closed)

this still doesn't make sense
loads of dried spunk, crisps and biscuit crumbs fell out.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:05, closed)

*big fives*

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:08, closed)

He got leathered by a stoodent for drinking some stoodent booze. The end.
Only ... you know ... with more excuses and @s and []s and ()s and random bold text and an [imaginary] girl to make it look like he wasn't @ home alone (stealing booze) while everybody else was out (having fun).

Hope this (helps).
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:17, closed)

Do you have a blog I can unsubscribe from?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:14, closed)

I quite like him Shambles, he's like an angrier, less literate version of Phils1969.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:15, closed)

Can we keep him as a pet can we can we can we can we can we can we can we?
Purleeeeeeeeeeease, mum!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:18, closed)

He's not staying in the house, he has dreadful habits. And you're cleaning his hutch out.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:20, closed)

Hurrhurrhurr. Cleaning his "hutch" out. Eh? Know what I mean? Eh?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:20, closed)

(too)(many)(brackets)

( Cheers Cheers, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:16, closed)

I think it's fortran.
Run it through a compiler and it calculates pi to twelve digits then prints out an ascii picture of a rocket.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:20, closed)

sweet baby christ on a stick.
really. read this back and see if it's even interesting to you, bearing in mind that you were actually there.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:22, closed)

There's a lot of expressing that the girls were of legal age...

A little too much if you ask me. *twiddles moustache*
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:23, closed)

Just the 1 [one] that I happened to be fucking [having sexual relations with].

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:28, closed)

Are you (putting your posts) though (a) translation site?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:29, closed)

Please note [be attentive to] the different types of brackets (they mean different things).
Dontcherknow.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:31, closed)

shut [the fuck] up.
(fucking shut up).
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:34, closed)

No.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:35, closed)

Oddball.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:37, closed)

haha, yeah
great
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:29, closed)

Wow, that was cathartic. So puerile.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:31, closed)

It took you that long? Seriously.
Too many Scotch Bonnet Peppers AB.
That's like 1/2 an hour. FFS![For Fucks Sake- Exclamation].
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:33, closed)

Again, laptop upside down, making more sense here.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:39, closed)

Ahh, good.
Bit slow on the uptake - even for you.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:43, closed)

Is this you taking the piss out of the people who say "I can't understand your posts"?
Unfortunately it reads like all your other posts, so it's hard to tell.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:36, closed)

I'm starting to think that it's actually some kind of elaborate modern art project.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:37, closed)

Behind the scenes.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:43, closed)

No. I'm being completely genuine & straight-forward.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:44, closed)

I assume you have your own dictionary
from which you take the definition of 'straight forward'?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:51, closed)

Oh yes.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:58, closed)

Then you're a fucking retard.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:56, closed)

What(don't understand)¿

( Major Turd for tonight only, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 14:58, closed)

Much as it has been fun.
I have to sleep sometime, so I'll bid you all adieu. [I'm saying goodnight].
Sleeptight.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:00, closed)

It really hasn't.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:04, closed)

You're still a dull prick who can't even think of a good username so you just steal someone else's.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:05, closed)

I think you'll find that my username on BF2 (way back when) predates Ring Of Fire's here.
I can dig up some server logs if needs be.
Just a happy coincidence & the fact that I didn't check before I registered.
I have no defence against you saying I'm a dull prick - I'm sure I am.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:15, closed)

Well said Rainman.

(TheColonel, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:07, closed)

I dun a snicker.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:08, closed)

Click for style
I [Amish Information Systems (an obvious pseudonym {false name})] gave this [the story on which I am commenting] a click [a directed event from a mouse (pointing device)] just because the style [of writing (typing)] is actually less penetrable [understandable] than the legal documents [patents (technology-related)] I am meant to be [paid to be] reading right now [at this particular time].
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:13, closed)

Oh, I thought it was just cut and pasted from bebo

( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:49, closed)

Dude. Harsh.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 16:33, closed)

hussah for me
some else who can(t) type worse than me
i find this hard to read and understand and it makes y head hurt can i have an owie now ?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 15:49, closed)

"chucked in for randoms"?
[you twat]
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 16:32, closed)

For fuck's sake.
I suggest that, if you should post again, you number your many expansions then provide footnotes -- so that you don't sound like a patronising cunt trying to explain to thick people that Australia has slang and, sometimes, you use it.
Oh, also, you should have reported the assault to the police rather than letting it go -- but we've all let violent wastes of space go unreported, I suppose, so I don't blame you.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 17:57, closed)

Autralian?
Ahhhhhh...that explains the ignorance and hypersensitivity to piss taking.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 19:09, closed)

I was only guessing.
But, now you mention it, my hypothesis fits.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 19:58, closed)

Puerile racism...
...from AB. Poorly spelt racism at that.
(discopants, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 3:10, closed)

Autralian?
Autralian?
You silly Poms and your lack of ability to spell stuff correctly, bathe regularly & have good dental hygiene.
I think I may have pointed this out to you before AB but most browsers, regardless of your OS have a magical tool which automatically checks your spelling.
In Firefox it may look something like this -

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 6:26, closed)

autralians.
autistic australians. top portmanteau, there.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:38, closed)

I think he's sick of everyone saying "what the fuck are you on about?"
so has 'humourously' provided translations for straightforward words.

Unfortunately this glosses over the fact that his stories make no fucking sense, not just his individual words.

"so there we was in PFSAT (kind of lubby)(i say I u no I mean eh;) !) but no EDIT K this wasn't like an I kind of I more like I (as in u (you) u (or she he he!) & it is it's is ... didnt happen agin (though not likely to it if u know (u know, I!) meaning, crazy times :)"
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 20:42, closed)

Huzzah! You win. I can now reveal to you the easter egg.
I got beaten up whilst trying to shag some woman for having mistakenly drunk a bottle of champagne that wasn't mine to drink. Which I classified as a "Bedroom Disaster", hence answering this weeks question.
Did that help, do I have to clarify it any further?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 21:28, closed)

You really are a thick fucking cunt.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 29 Jun 2011, 23:48, closed)

Yet you came back for a look.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 23:55, closed)

People slow down for car crashes
and stare at gaping flesh wounds too. Doesn't make them anything you want to be involved with.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 8:56, closed)

Ya gotta rubber-neck
when the opportunity arises.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 9:45, closed)

I like to mock the afflicted.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 9:16, closed)

Trust me.
Nothing you could say would possibly make me feel mocked.
Nothing.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 9:46, closed)

I'm fairly sure that's not how mocking works.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 9:59, closed)

So we should stop laughing at you because you're too stupid to realise just how stupid you are?
Hahaha. You daft prick.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:01, closed)

Yeah, I actually got the 'plot' of the story.
Most people are being deliberately obtuse for comedy value when they say they don't understand you. What they really mean is you write like a drunk incoherent subnormal idiot. No offence.

Sigh. Please don't reply. It's too tiring.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 10:58, closed)

Whale Nation?
Isn't that the book about America?
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 2:37, closed)

No it's a fairly long (slightly wanky) poem.
Impressed the chicks.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 2:50, closed)

I knew, really.
I have a copy myself. Quite a good book, IMHO.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:08, closed)