Crappy relationships always have a positive outcome for me
Lets face it, if a relationship is so crap, once you are out of it, things can only get better.
It hurts for a while, as is only normal and human, when you think you love someone enough to put up with their shit, but once you escape you can see what went wrong and address those issues.
The guy who used to beat me senseless for my own good, till I finally realised how crap that was and spanged him with a pan, realistically not metaphorically.
Ruined a bloody good pan too, but oh was so worth it.
Then there was the stoner who told me to chill out and not bother him when i was bent over in agony clutching my stomach, crying and asking him to call for an ambulance
Who later wandered into the bathroom and freaked out at my making a bloody mess on the floor with my terribly inconvenient miscarriage.
Out of hospital a day later with not a single visit the sorry ass was still in the same chair and still out of his face.
I dont think he even registered my throwing him and his few belongings out onto the drive.
Nothing was there a few hours later when i surfaced groggily from my bed.
I felt like shit but I mustered a wan smile.
Onwards and upwards mon brave
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 1:24, 3 replies)

I have a crappy relationship with my boss...
...he is a control freak, doesn't take on board any body elses ideas or only asks for input at the stupidest times and can't delegate.

I want to help, I have potential burning inside, but any suggestions I make he see's as a threat to his authority or won't give anyone the resources to help him.

It's driving me insane.
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 1:13, 6 replies)

Sexual selection by Infantile divination.
I found a pile of screwed up paper in the bin. Casually wondering why, I unfolded one bit to find that she had written her name and the name of a male friend, then crossed out each matching letter to see how well they fitted together. If she'd been 6 I'd have been understanding but she was 36. If I recall correctly there were quite a few letters left over.
They're divorced now so maybe there was something to it.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 0:44, 5 replies)

This probably makes me look like a bastard, but...
I should've realised the magic was gone when she had her second miscarriage and despite me looking after her as best I could, neither she, nor any of her friends or family, gave a shit about how it affected me.

I finally realised the magic was gone when, after she'd left me due to her having an affair (the day I confronted her with evidence was the day she told me she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was, which wasn't important in the end as she had a third miscarriage), we met for a drink and she told me the guy she'd been having the affair with had also been shagging a druggy so she may have had something. Thankfully their tests came back clear, but that was the day I threw my wedding ring into a nearby field.

Length? Too long. Far too fucking long.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 22 Oct 2010, 0:14, 4 replies)

Ye gods above
One of my ex's is batshit insane. Some brief pointers that I'd like to make about her, we shall call her Becky, for that is her name, and because quite frankly, I don't give a shit if her or any of her mates reads this and happens to twig on about who I am. I've mentioned her in previous stories, and I'll be recounting some of them.

- She was a bit of a slag. Not the words of a jilted ex-lover, but true facts. Before ensnaring me, she slept with around 35 people, both men and women alike. In the space of about two months, if that. Threesomes were regular occurrences, as was sex everywhere, including one notable time where she shagged someone in a pub, after asking him if he had a condom on him, and when he made affirmative noises, sat on his lap, hoiked her skirt up in strategic places, and let him do her then and there.

- After getting with me, when my only previous proper sexual encounter before her had been a very dodgy one night stand with one of her ex-boyfriends (don't ask), she proceeded to belittle my efforts in bed at first, despite the whole me not having slept with a woman before her. This lead to two things, one of which was me gaining skills in pleasing her very quickly, and the other was an absolutely destroyed self esteem, because I was feeling like I couldn't match up to her previous lovers, all because she kept harping on about some previous lovers that she thought were better than me.

- Never trusted me going out with friends to pubs or clubs. I will freely admit though that I didn't trust her, especially as she used to get dressed up (or down), into a corset, a really short mini-skirt, and thigh-high boots. Apparently I should have trusted her not to do anything, despite a proven track record of her cheating with other men, and the fact that she didn't trust me. I will freely admit again, that the reason why she didn't trust me was because I had a drinking problem. I think I drank to numb the fact that I was nobbing her.

- Me and her parents didn't get on. See the "Mums" answer in my profile for exactly why me and her mum didn't get on, as I'm not pearoasting it here.

- The thing that should have convinced me that the 'magic' had gone was a spectacular argument, with both me and her screaming at each other loud enough to be heard not only on ground floor, but in the street, when we were four floors up, with the windows closed. She tried to strangle me during this argument as well, and shouted that if I broke up with her, I'd be alone forever and I'd never be able to find anyone else. My witty retort to this was to just gasp for air and turn a bit blue and throw up a bit. I think the fact that she'd get done for murder, rather than my actual death, was what saved me.

- The final straw, the final thing that convinced me the magic was gone, was her outright ditching me, and shacking up with a 'friend' from the drama club she used to go to at university. I was heart-broken and mentally unsound at the same time, as I'd been diagnosed as being bipolar type 2, and had tried to commit suicide pretty much before she ditched me, and then told me "Yeah, I'm not going to see any men for at least six months", before shacking up with above-mentioned friend three days later. She's now engaged to him.

Thank fuck I'm no longer in that relationship. I'd either be six feet under or locked in prison by now.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 0:06, 4 replies)

Clacton girl
About a month after meeting a girl at a party who I thought was quite cute, I started chatting to her via the shit magic of Facebook. She had a boyfriend, but was allegedly a bit unhappy and giving the impression that she was going to dump him, she came to mine one day to hang out. She seemed okay, if a little bit annoying and weird. She came back later that week, having tried to dump him but failing due to guilt-tripping. We were watching a movie, we ended up kissing and immediately she started moaning and reached for my cock.

"Brilliant," some might think, but not I, and I told her that it probably wasn't cool to have done that. She acted all sad and sorry for offending me, then did the same thing a couple of days later (minus the boyfriend, after dicking about over it for the couple of weeks). I was more receptive this time.

What followed should have been the first sign that something was massively wrong with this girl. She continually tried to pressure me into having sex with her (role-reversal much?), would even start crying about it, shouting and getting upset multiple times a day because I wouldn't fuck her. Attempts to do so went wrong because I was stressed from the pressure (and blatantly not up for it) which only led to more tears as she decided that I clearly wasn't attracted to her - not because she was crying every night she stayed at mine because, unlike her, I wasn't ready to shag her after a dozen or so days.

This continued further into the brief relationship. I did eventually put out so the guilt-tripping stopped, but she was determined I wasn't attracted to her. Within a month or two of the relationship the already curvy girl packed on over 2 stone, and despite being shorter than me and me working out so having a few guns, she weighed more than I did. We tried a 69 once; I lost it and she freaked out crying again, thought her pussy stunk of something fucked up (it did smell pretty bad, utterly stunk my room out, I left the door open a lot). It was also because I had her fat, horrible arse in my face like two gargantuan airbags with the rancid smell of shitty broccoli emanating from the middle.

She'd asked me when we met how many people I'd slept with - I answered 2, and she was shocked, then said that she'd been with "9 or 10" people. She downgraded this to "7 or 8" talking about it another time. She would frequently mention her past sex life, which I didn't really enjoy. Finally I decided to clarify her past number of partners to which she broke down in tears and decided she was leaving my house and breaking up. Turns out she had, at the age of 18, bedded 20 fellas, the majority of which in the space of her 16th and 17th birthday. She'd never used a single condom during that time.

Once we watched the Alice in Wonderland movie. I wasn't fussed, but then I got really into it, helped along by the fact that I think Mia Wasikowska as Alice is fucking gorgeous. I looked her up online after as I'd never heard of her. Girlfriend jokingly asked if I thought she was attractive, to which I replied "She's alright." What followed was a two hour strop. "I don't want to know who you find attractive!" she screamed at me. Why ask, then?

She went through my phone multiple times, and this is where it ultimately worked out all lovely. Last year I met a wonderful girl who became my best friend. I was instantly smitten with her, fell in love with her and we've talked constantly since we first began talking to each other. Girlfriend had heard me refer to her a few times and suggested I was secretly in love with her, which I denied (a fabrication). She went through my texts to her one night when I was doing a poo, and tried to trick me into lying to her about plans we had later in the week. Girlfriend wanted me to meet her friends on Friday - I wanted to meet them Thursday and see best friend Friday. She asked if Friday was alright, I said I wanted to see best friend, she went nuts. Pitched a fit. Spent hours going through my texts.

As I found out later, she began stalking us both online on Twitter and stalking up the public part of best friend's Facebook. What she saw, she didn't like. Lots of messages to each other on Twitter, and with the US timestamps, what was a message posted in the day in the UK looked like it was sent to her at 3am when Girlfriend was over. She went nuts.

One morning she asked if I'd given flowers to someone since we'd been together. I said no (true). She asked if I ever phone best friend. I said I used to but hadn't in ages (also true). Girlfriend pitched one again and said that if I didn't let her go through my phone she couldn't trust me. As I realised later, she already had done again, and was asking highly specific questions on texts she'd already read. By the time I realised she had gone home, and caught out she folded and guilt-tripped me into not finishing with her after her previous promise not to stalk my phone anymore.

She hit me once. To be fair, I may have deserved it, as she fucked me off so I called her a whore. Then again, I call 'em like I see 'em. Should've tacked 'fat' onto the front just for shiggles.

In the end I dumped her and now I'm with best friend. She realised when I was with Girlfriend that she'd had feelings for me all along, and we got together about a month ago. She also realised she's in love with me too, and probably has been a long time. All's well that ends well.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 0:05, 1 reply)

She broke up with me because I was trying to control her life,
by telling her that she had to refrain from taking speed the day before she saw me (she could choose the day) so that she wasn't coming down.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 23:49, 4 replies)

jailhouse rock
back when i was a rather more impressionable 15 year old, i met a boy named paul. my friend lizzie set us up on a date and things kind of went on from there. he was your typical bad boy, into smoking pot, drinking and stealing cars. for a girl brought up to be good, this was very attractive. unfortunately, we'd only been together for 3 weeks, when he was sent to jail for 6 months.
we wrote to each other at least twice a week, our letters becoming ever more hot and heavy, describing in great detail what we'd get up to when he got out. i couldn't wait.
when he did get out, things were very different. he quickly got into heavy drugs, but fortunately, he never tried to talk me into trying them. our relationship just wasn't the same any more.
i realised the magic was gone when, one evening, he called at my house to take me out. he was a total mess. he looked like he hadn't washed in days, his hair was matted and he was very clearly smacked off his tits. there was no way i wanted any part of that train-wreck, so i ended it there and then.
seeing him around the place nowadays, i'm so glad i didn't stay with him. i'm also very over the whole bad boy thing.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 23:32, 8 replies)

How to answer a QOTW
1.Read the question.
2.Read it again to be sure you understand what is being asked of you.
3.Post a reply that, at the very least, touches on the subject.
4.Bask in the glorious knowledge that you have achieved something that almost no other poster has.

Even if it's a bit dull someone will probably forgive you for staying on topic.

FFS.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 23:04, 15 replies)

First shag...
There we were, wriggling away in the sack until we needed a bit of a rest. Breathlessly she says to me 'Blimey, you're better than my Dad!'

It's funny how you can go off people...
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 22:36, 2 replies)

I realised it should probably be over
when she cheated on me by getting spit-roasted in an alleyway behind a club.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 22:12, 4 replies)

I got dumped by text message once.....
Probably shouldn't have cum in her face.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:47, 7 replies)

Come back to Ireland
the education system is great, the celtic tiger, a true Democratic Republic.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:45, 1 reply)

At work today
I went into one of the model definitions and I saw a left inner join without a foreign key constraint set.

Pathetic.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:40, 6 replies)

She got a puncture

( Captain V, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:31, 3 replies)

I had a waste of space ex...
Not so sure of the exact moment the magic went, more a culmination of the following events (not in chronological order):

1.Sending a friend round to pick me up for a night out clubbing because he was too busy buying drugs (although I did get some of them, so maybe not so bad)
2.Selling my car stereo without asking me and buying himself a set of decks (his mixing skills were an acquired taste)
3.Running off to join the circus (well, travelling fun fair) and then phoning me up to bring him things to furnish his not-so-palacial caravan
4.Leaving me £15k in debt
5.Driving on the wrong side of the road after his gran's funeral because he wanted to die (I was in the passenger seat at the time and was of the opinion that he should do that after dropping me off home)
6.Thinking that me being asleep should not be a barrier to having a quick shag
7.Being a twat

Much better off with current fella!
( fluffymitten NAN, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:26, 4 replies)

Bit of a pea...
I knew it was going to go nowhere when...

1, I found out her ex (father of her child) was in prison for murder.
2, She had a fair amount of criminal convictions herself.
3, She lived 250 miles away.
4, She had an eating disorder to go with her alcoholism
5, She considered anything less than full sex as "not cheating" on me.
6, She was common (or from the Midlands as we call it).
7, After the narrow escape I found out she was already pregnant by ANOTHER guy during our brief relationship.

Lovely.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:25, Reply)

It all started well...
...but recently things have gone downhill. When I try to talk to her about my day she just lets her eyes roll back in her head and I can tell she's not listening. Where our sex life used to be hot and energetic now it's stiff and awkward and I don't even want to try any more. But the worst part is she's completely let herself go. My god the smell!

I suppose I should really go dig up a fresh one.
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:05, 3 replies)

I was at a flat party the last weekend...
...and Falstaffette was on the sofa with her legs wrapped round another girl. After a short while sitting in what can only be described as the 'scissoring' position, one of them shoved a bottle down between their legs to keep it safe while pouring a drink. Then another one. Then they started rubbing on these bottles and winking at each other, and then full on masturbating in front of the whole room. No insertion, just bottles on clothed crotches. Both of them have clit hood piercings, which apparently means they can come at the drop of an Irn Bru bottle.

Bloody faux-lesbian showoffs. This blatant display of gratuitous lewdness convinced me that the magic was completely and utterly gone...oh no, wait, I meant to say the precise opposite. I love Falstaffette.
Unfortunately, a combination on various parties' parts of brewer's droop and vomiting meant that said voyeurism was the only action I got that night.

And in all seriousness, I am worried that living in different cities is kind of slipping us apart a little bit. Even with the best of intentions, I think any sort of of long distance relationship puts more than just literal distance between people. I need to get back to Glasgow ASAP before it's too late. It may have been awesome to watch, but at the same time it was kind of sad, because having such brilliant times - the entire party was fantastic - just reminds me harder how crap it is living in a different city most of the time and only seeing her every two weeks or so.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 21:01, 16 replies)

Not mine...
Earlier this week, after a lengthy session in the pub, I challenged a new friend to a game of gay chicken. He accepted, our lips touch for the briefest of moments...

...and I look round to see his girlfriend standing in the middle of a crowd of our laughing acquaintences, staring at him like he'd just shoved his hand up me.

Not yet realising the severity of the situation, we followed her when she started walking in the direction we all had to go to get home. About a minute later, when we realised she was walking on her own, a metres ahead of us, I sent the boyfriend to talk to her.

She dug her nails into his hands and nearly threw him into the road, screaming "I HATE YOU!" at the top of her lungs.

Fair enough, he kissed another man. But it was for drunken lolz, and it only lasted a second.

And here's the best bit... they'd only been going out for 6 days.

Can't see that one lasting long.
(a gun that fires other, smaller guns full of jizz, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 20:30, 7 replies)

When all your friends are saying "Why are you still with him"...
... ...Please listen to them, and remember, "he's nice, sometimes" is not a valid reason. Apologies in advance for lack of funnies. Posted in replies, since it's long. Absolutely no apologies for length, if it makes even one person think twice.

Edited.
I know the ex I am talking about is a member of B3TA. And I am still so terrified of him, nearly a year on, that I don't want to risk being found out here. So I have deleted everything... Sorry B3TA...

If you ever needed a definition of a crappy relationship, this is it.
(twentyeightisthenameofthegame, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 20:14, 6 replies)

Sat in my garden, she was enthusiastically telling me about the previous weekend,
which included her best friend proposing to her and her accepting. Noticing I wasn't sharing her enthusiasm she said "Don't you want to hear about my best ever day?"
"No, not really" I said. She then got in a piss with me for not being happy about her gaying it up with her best friend.
( CowJam, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 20:08, 1 reply)

That’s when I realised it was over…
A few years ago I was involved in a kind of on/off relationship with this girl. Both of us hooked up as we were going through the throes of respective breakups and although it’s fair to say we both found each other physically attractive, our respective character traits couldn’t exactly be described as compatible.

She was quite the party animal; I am more of a shy and retiring type. Her favourite film was “Shrek” and I apparently came across as a bit of an intellectual snob. But then to her, I suppose so would Karl Pilkington. I digress, we were both shagging each other because in the words of the Sex Pistols “there’s fuck all else to do”, another cultural reference that would probably sail right over her cute head.

It didn’t take long for our respective traits to start to grate. She had a problem with me being somewhat less than enthusiastic about going out partying all the time and I had a problem with her leaving me as designated driver with a bunch of strangers in the kitchen at parties and ignoring me all night.

I forgave a lot of her transgressions because she appealed to some of my baser instincts; however there was once final incident which prompted me to grow a pair and get rid.

One Saturday night she invited me to a nineteen eighties themed party. I say “invited”, what I actually mean is “I was invited to drive her to and from the party and hang around making awkward small talk while she got drunk and gossiped with her mates”.

After five hours at the said party, where I was one of only three straight guys there (actually, I had a riot. I ended up challenging the host to a gay-off, singing 1980s camp disco songs on Sing Star, resplendent in my Jason Donovan mullet wig) I was summoned to the car to take her home. She leaned to me in the car and spoke.

“PJM, I need to ask you something. Something personal…”

“What is it Nicky?” I replied

“Well… You’re an understanding guy. I have this, erm problem I need help with”.

Here we go I thought. She either wants sexyteim with someone else, or money. Either way, I decided I’d be out of the picture before the weekend was over.

“Look, it’s a bit embarrassing. Can I ask you to come to town with me tomorrow and buy something with me? I’d be ever so grateful”

Hmm… Things were looking up. I had visions of Ann Summers stores in mind. I looked at her momentarily and she placed her hand upon mine and I decided to eke this out for one more weekend at least.

The next day I drove her into town and spent most of the afternoon pussyfooting around her whilst she browsed in H&M and New Look for hours on end. Like the proverbial carrot being dangled in front of my face, the thought of possible naughtiness accessories later was enough to keep me from gnawing off my own hand in boredom. Sure enough, she led me out of the door and towards bedroom aid emporium heaven. Oh yes.

With an abrupt pull on my arm, she dragged me off my intended course and into a branch of Boots. What the fuck was going on? She led me over to a particular shelf.

“I’m too embarrassed to buy this myself, I need you to do this for me” she whispered.

I stood there for a moment and reached for the shelf.

“Not yet! Wait until I’ve walked away, someone might see us!” she hissed.

So I mooched around for a few seconds while she went to browse the lipsticks before I picked up the box and walked over to the till.

I handed over the purchase to a smiling young woman on the checkout. I returned her smile and nodded in the direction of the fast retreating Nicky, throwing in a cheery wink for good measure.

“Would you like a bag with this, sir?” she smirked.

“I think that would be a very good idea, don’t you?” I replied, sniggering.

By this time, Nicky was stood outside, her face the colour of rose.

“Don’t give it to me now! Tuck it in your jacket and wait until we get home!” she hissed. Again.

I drove us back to her place, scarcely able to contain my glee. Nicky was visibly bristling at my apparent joy. So with that dear reader, I dropped her off at her place and drove smiling straight home, never to see Nicky again.

I can safely say that I’ve never been asked to buy someone’s Preparation H since.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 21 Oct 2010, 19:55, 8 replies)

My nephew
He's an absolute arsehole, impetuous, aggressive, empty head full of stupid ideas and BOY does he NOT know how to pick a fight with someone his own size. The number of times I've had to drag him away from a fight with someone many times his size... He also thinks he can drive despite the fact he's not even old enough to own a driving licence. As if that wasn't enough he has a range of annoying catchphrases, something asinine about 'Puppy Power'

signed, Scooby Doo.

(Oh sorry, i thought you said 'Scrappy relationships')
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 21 Oct 2010, 19:49, Reply)

We sat around drinking and chatting then she looked at him...
This goes back a while to the early 90's and Aunty Jayne was at Uni.

Best female friend, who Aunty Jayne had no feelings for, split up with her boyfriend and she turned to Aunty Jayne for friendship and support. We had some fun doing the things that best friends do after one of them has a break up and we ended up going clubbing together. Aunty Jayne then met a nice girl and snogged her face off, while best friend got very drunk.

The nice girl turned out to be a mere fling and it did not last.

So best friend and Aunty Jayne spent a moody evening chatting about our respective ex partners, when Aunty Jayne is suddenly shocked to hear that best friend has the hots for her. The friendship changes into a relationship that lasts about three months, when Aunty Jayne finds out that best friend is shagging her ex boyfriend still and is promptly dumped.

Time passes and Aunty Jayne leaves Uni, gets a job, goes traveling and returns, single once again. Former best friend bumps into her in the street and suggests putting things right and says sorry. So after a few drinks friendship resumes. A couple of weeks go by and then Best friend once again suggests giving the old relationship a go again. Foolishly Aunty Jayne says yes.

We were sat around drinking Bacardi when Aunty Jayne saw the look between best friend and other friend. Best friend did not look at Aunty Jayne like that...

Then Other friend asks if he can have a go on Aunty Jayne's best friend!

Aunty Jayne was straight down the Clap clinic! Best friend had been rather busy and still was, it would have been easier to cope with had it been for money instead of drugs, with that many people.

Luckily Aunty Jayne was disease free, but that did not stop her telling Ex Best friend that she should get herself checked out because Aunty Jayne had tested positive for something very nasty!

Aunty Jayne is not bitter, not anymore, not since meeting the woman of her dreams and finding true love in the arms of another delicate soul.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 19:30, 5 replies)

Just last week
I throw myself at her feet and get the 'silent treatment'! We've all been there. You try and say something which you think is funny but get blanked.

I've done nothing wrong. Ok a bit suggestive but nothing more. What am I supposed to do? (Yeah I've done that, but a bit sore now)

What more can I offer?

I'm thinking of just throwing in the towel, its just so one sided and I'm getting nothing back ....... Well at least until she reads what I wrote on last weeks QOTW.

Miss her so much.

Bitch (x)
(Suck it and Sea, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 19:25, 5 replies)

Magic, realistically, implies deceit or trickery
So I'll just forego the magic and head straight to the fuckery, thankyouverymuch.
(roysin, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 19:07, Reply)