Pikey bikey splat
More road sarcasm than a full on frenzy...

Walking up main road one day, lad of about 13 on one of those ridiculously tiny motorbikes, literally the size of a toy, but going a fair old clip from behind me.

Wallop, lad tries to pull wheely (the dick, the bike's about 18 inches long) and manages to land most ungracefully, flat on his face, frankly scaring the shit out of me because I only saw him at the very last second.

Just as I'm wondering which pocket my phone's in for the dutiful ambulance, the lad picks himself up, and is met with the words:

[deadpan Salford accent] "Ya clever bastard"

from the taxi driver behind him.

"fuck off" is the erudite reply, before trundling off into the sunset with his ludicrous bike.
(Udidin is chuffed to have made the newsletter, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 21:43, Reply)

queues
sorry flimflam, its not clear in my post. it should be decided in detail in the highway code - its what the bloody thing is for after all.

as long as we stick to either all going to the end or all queuing as early as possible it works. its when we have both it just doesn't as the queue feels the outside laners are just cnuts, and when the outside laners don't get let in and the queue are cnuts. aaarrrgh. no-one wins and we all lose time of our lives.

If the sign said "force into middle lane at front or stick in the inside lane and wait" we would all be clear.

its chaos that royally fecks everyone off.

the same as 2 laned roundabouts. left lane is left and straight on. right is right and straight on. why not left for 1st exit, and right for everything else?

if speed kills why do most accidents involve over 60's doing 15 mph backwards down a dual carriageway.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 16 Oct 2006, 21:42, Reply)

I have my first ever driving lesson saturday prime time..
so I'm expecting a line of b3tards up my arse the whole way, waving placards about how much you hate learners/lorries/bikes.. Please please be kind.. I'd hate to have to drive like a one eyed octogenarian cyclist in my BMW just to prove a point...
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 21:41, Reply)

I once heard an ice cream van playing music...
...and I totally lost my rag when I realised he'd run out of ice cream.
(lolwhites, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 21:00, Reply)

I hate every other road user
Cyclists (they're all the same), taxi drivers (they're all the same), buses (they're all the same), lorries (I think you get the idea by now), learners ('cos I was never a learner myself, I was born knowing how to drive), pedestrians, old people, young people, coppers, motorcyclists...

I pay road tax, therefore every inch of the public highway is my personal property and noone else has the right to be there. I drive perfectly and have never made a mistake, not once, no sir!

Whingewhingewhingewhingewhingewhinge....
(lolwhites, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 20:51, Reply)

BAAAAD Drivers
Oh my god, ive had soooo many expierences with bad drivers it is untrue here is what pisses me off on the roads today:


*Learner Drivers who have yet to grasp the concept of driving properly. Scares the shit outta me

*Boy Racers. Look at me, i have a 12 year old girlfriend and i like looking a twat in a 1.1 saxo. What pisses me off most is that i own an Audi S6 (54 plate) and a compnay work-horse Citroen C5 estate. the 3.0 V6. Both of these will demolish most boy racer cars from the lights. But Wayne in his Saxo think they can have me? Haha! Love it every time. Also what the hell is it with them neon lights? They dont half make you look like a tosser. And no, im not letting you in my S6 because i worked hard for it and i spend more for insurance then your car cost.

*Bycycles. Grr, where do i start! They pull out when they want to without looking. They weave along the road and rarely stick to bike lanes. Then they have the cheek to bollock you for nearly hitting them. They should be confined to the pavement untill the govenment make them pass a test and pay a road tax.

*Busses. They cause no end of problems here. Allways cloggin up the roads. When you try to overtake one, they decided to pull out and then they call you a cock when you do manage to defy death and overtake.

*Old people. I think after you turn 60 you should have a test every 5 years. This should stop them doing 15mph in town, 25mph on national speed limit courty roads and 35mph in the middle lane of the motorway. Also at age, your reactions are slower so id rather not die because some old biddie wants a boiled sweet

*BMW and Merc drivers. This is my nemisis. I despise them. They own a car which admitidly has guild build quality. But style, substance and general inteligence is thown out the window when it is bought. They are aragont,and think they are mr big. These are boy racers with money. But they indeed are scum. They drive it like it gives you a right to go faster then the speed limit. No it dont. It gives you the right to be a tit. Add 50% more hate if its a poverty spec model or a 316. The only decent car they made was the 850 CSI sport. Yet to be abused by corperate and boy racer scum.

Lorry Drivers. With my job i have to do alot of motorway miles. The worse thing about it is lorry drivers. They sit about 2 foot off each others bumper then proced to take about 20 mins overtaking one another. And they decide to pull out when they want to too, leaving poor old driver nearly dead.

Taxi drivers. Oh i hate them little ignorant tossers. Drive far too fast for the town centres. Add an extra £20 for no aparant reason and tailgate you if you are doing 30mph. So i slow down to 25 just to piss them off.
(DebbieDoesDerby, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 20:38, Reply)

go team cunt!
When I was driving up to Hull at one point along the A15 I came across teh team cunt, consisting of a campervan and a ladydriver in a white pinto. I was driving in between those twats at around 10 below the speed limit.

for those of you who know the A15 their is only one point on it where you can overtake and not die. When I reached it I pulled out to overtake the campervan, reasoning that as its an old van it cant go any faster. when the driver saw I was about to get in front and ruin his view of beutiful beutiful linconshire, he accelerated trapping me in the opposite lane.

now this would be cunty enough, but as i braked to pull behind the van and the punto, the terrified looking puntobitch braked also, effectively trapping me as eveytime i tried to let her pass she slowed down.

then a bmw approching me head on at speed forced me to manover between the two cars with about a foot of clearence each way.

I then had to endure the pikey kids in the back of the van giving me V signs all the way to the humber.

moments later the van set off a speed camera, but that was no solice as since when did pikeys drive with licences anyway?

damn you team cunt!
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 20:37, Reply)

Indicators
Speaking as a pedestrian, i can say that people not using indicators makes me go fucking mental.

It is not fucking hard to flick the plastic stick as you go into a corner. Or even worse are the abject cunts who indicate half way around the corner, then look annoyed when i'm already half way across the road.

Fucking wankers.
(Viscous Fridge Magnet Used To Be A Cha-Cha, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 20:37, Reply)

Pavement Rage
@ flurble:

I suffer from the same affliction, people who have no consideration for anyone else piss me right off, blocking the path for a chat, how hard is it to move over to the edge? Also, idiots in supermarkets who block aisles with their trolley when they could easily move it to one side, and people who park on really busy roads when there is only room for two cars creating huge queues when they could have parked on a side road 2 minutes walk away but they are too lazy to walk and instead clog up the roads.

Generally, walking/driving whatever.. people who have no consideration for others with their actions piss me off.. it doesn't take much just to think about how what you are doing might affect others..
(Siu Loong, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 19:33, Reply)

Had a huge rough-looking boyfriend many years ago
whose language and demeanour were generally quite shocking - UNTIL he got into his car. Once behind the wheel, he was polite, if somewhat direct.


After being cut up or pulled out in front of, he would wind down the window, lean out, cup his hand around his mouth and bellow 'You SILLY man!'

No bad language, no gesticulation, just, always, that one comment. Reduced me to tears of laughter every time.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 19:09, Reply)

'J-plate' divers
I'll admit, when it comes to screaming at people and flicking them the finger from the safety of my car, I'm a bit of an obnoxious twunt. To my credit, though, I'm always patient with learner drivers, since I remember all too well how nervous I was when I started to drive.




However.


I have abso-cocking-lutely no pissing respect for any learner driver that puts their L-plate on backwards. What. The fuck. Could make anyone so friggin dim is just beyond me.

And it's all to easy to imagine them making the mistake in the first place, isn't it? You can all to easily picture them putting the damn thing up on the back window, from the inside of course, and thinking 'Wurrrrl, it reads like an L here to me... I don't see why the fact I'm holding it backwards will change that fact'. I see dozens of the bastards on the roads, so I can't just write it off as dyslexia.


Here's the kicker: surely anyone with that lack of lateral thinking should be banned from the roads? "Sorry to pull you over sir, but I noticed your L-plate was affixed the wrong way around. Do you have any documentation testifying to the fact that you have some form of dyslexia but are otherwise perfectly suitable to operate this vehicle? No? How about Russian, are you Russian? Not that either, eh? Well then, no driving for you, ever, chummy, you're too thick."
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 18:42, Reply)

Pavement Rage
I hate people who walk down the street in front of me then stop dead for no apparent reason, forcing me to swerve to avoid crashing into their backs.

I also hate people who stop to have a conversation in the middle of the pavement.

Or worse, in doorways.

Or even worse, at the bottom or top of a flight of stairs.

I mean, FFS people, have a little consideration for those around you? Is it really too much to ask?

Actually, scrap the above. I just hate everyone, it's quicker.

F x
(no, not you, *obviously* I don't hate you)
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 18:26, Reply)

Its always a BMW
I think you are given a test before you are allowed to take possesion. It involves tailgating, cutting people up, undertaking, queue jumping. Once you've proved your a twat, you get the keys.

Also, sitting in the middle/fast lane. If you are not overtaking you have no right to be in these lanes! Most of them are just too scared about being on a motorway that they think they will be safe just sitting in the one lane and not having to make any lane changes. Twunts!
(A*D, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 17:46, Reply)

Grrrr!!!
I fecking hate Catatonia. Now I've got the blasted song stuck in my head.

Hopefully you do too now, so at least I can share the pain.
(A*D, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 17:19, Reply)

Drivers and cyclists
I drive a car, and I also cycle to work every day.

I do a nice steady 25mph on my bike, indicate where I'm going, obey signs and traffic lights, stay as close to the curb as I can, even if it means hitting potholes and drains (painful on a roadbike), and still i get wankers cutting me up, virtually touching me as they desperately try to pass.

Which twats want a bike tax? Good god why? Lets encourage the country to be just a little bit fatter eh? Think about all the extra cars on the roads, I wouldn't cycle to work, I'd drive, I've already paid tax once. I'll be buggered if the govt. get more money out of me to use the same shitty roads.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 17:10, Reply)

Changing lanes in traffic jams
It achieves nothing. The lane you leave starts to move quickly, cos gosh people are leaving it. Suddenly the lane you're in is slow (as a few people have moved across) and the other lane has sped up, so you move back.

ARRRGHHH!

Stop fucking moving lanes, and the whole motorway will flow, you absolute pillocks.

I managed to follow (from Junction 13 M4 all the way to junction 16 friday night heavy traffic, not going above 30) the same 4 cars ( a jag, lotus and 2 mercs) all swapping lanes, fucking it up for everyone without having to change lanes, they didn't get anywhere faster, and just pissed 25 miles of trafic off.

Twats.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 17:02, Reply)

Bazza
I don't think that you're actually agreeing with me. As far as I can see it's actually the "queue jumpers" who are doing it properly. You are supposed to use all three lanes right up to the point where one of them stops. Going down to two lanes before that just increases the length of the tailback and possibly fouls up the previous junction causing hassle for loads of other people.

As for people who let those "queue jumpers" in, I reckon we could do with more drivers like that. Years of driving an old slow car has taught me to be fairly phlegmatic about letting people go in front of me. Frankly I'm amazed by how dangerous and selfish people can be just to shave 5 seconds off their journey time. That's one of the few things that drives me almost to road rage. Top of my list however is people who don't indicate at roundabouts. Honestly it's so twunting stupid! Just because you can't be bothered to move a finger about 2 inches it means that nobody else around the roundabout can move because they don't know what you're twunting well doing! Why can't people see that they're causing other people huge amounts of hassle while actually saving no time or energy themselves, aarrrrrrrgh!
(flimflam_machine, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:55, Reply)

Not a road rage incident....
...but something that has always caused a certain amount of rage.

Cars with green L or green P signs. Forget which it is right now, dementia kicking in as I'm approaching 30.

Why? Either you can drive, or you can't. If the test is so crappy that people who are told "here you go, you can now drive a massive potential deathtrap with almost no monitoring at all" and yet they need some kind of symbol that they're still shit, then there's a fundamental flaw with the system.

You wouldn't feel happy about seeing a surgeon with one on his jacket, or a pilot with one on his plane, so why do we allow people to take such a cursory test where they back round a corner, read a number plate from a foot and a half away, to be in charge of something that costs a staggering number of lives in this country.

Bastards!
(Celera, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:50, Reply)

If you're the RagER, beware the RagEE!
Many moons ago (2002, in fact) while I was still at University, I lived in lovely, sunny Wakefield. Being a student, and a southerner at that, in this City sometimes brings about some fairly fruity occasions…

Now, while I was at Uni, I used to belt about in an Escort (I brace myself for the oncoming onslaught – I drive a decent car nowadays), and one evening finds me tearing from Bretton Hall to Wakefield via some pretty hairy back roads. I poke my nose out of a blind turning, being super careful because you never know what’s coming the other way – when the twunt in the white van behind me reckons I’m being over cautious (a quick shufty both ways obviously WAY too careful), and darts around me and off in to the night.

With me in pursuit.

Oh, how I flashed my powerful Ford Beams! Oh, how I gesticulated! Oh, the violent and acid filled words that spewed forth from my previously untapped hatred reserves!

He pulls over in to a car park. I leap out of my car, ready not for violence, but to deliver the bollocking of a lifetime when…

This guy unfolds himself from the car. I look up. And up. Christ, he was big.

“Got a problem mate?” spake he.

*swallow* “Me? Er… Um… No, no. Just trying to tell you a brake light was out, that’s all… Bye!”

And then drove as fast as those wheels could carry me back to my house before the huge man came to deliver the beating of a lifetime for me being a lying little toad.

Either way: Me – 1, Huge Violent Psychopath – 0!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:39, Reply)

My cure for queue jumpers
It is not the queue jumpers that are the problem, but the utter cunts who let them in. It should be straight to execution for them. No trial, no jury just a bullet to the head. Job done.
(lardaholics anonymous, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:36, Reply)

queues
i'm with with flimflam - cut in early and keep the traffic moving. Force your way in and on the wrong day it'll be the falling down type reponse.

If everyone did the same - either way - it works. Its just a 95%:5% split of proper queuers against queue jumpers that causes everyone whom waited road rage as no-one gets anywhere fast.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:26, Reply)

oh yeah
and bus rage,the other day i had just finished a punishing 12 hour day in the college where i work and was looking forward to getting home and having me tes when some middle class anorak wearing bitch gets on the bus in fromt of me and proceeds to spend 30 minutes discussing the varouis types of tickets avaliable to her, "ooh that one takes you all the way to north wales i like wales i go rambling quite a lot but its pricey at £13.50 blah blah beleeergh"

bear in mind that this is at 9.30 at night and it is liverpool, and thet the majority of bus passengers were on thioer way home from the pub/ work and the bus was packed to the roof.

I politely point out that we would all like to go home, this is seconded by another man to which she turns around and says "dont you hurry me i know my rights"

I did not want ot lower myself to mindless voilence ( i had a lighter in my pocket and her anorak would have gone up a treat) so i gave her the galring of a lifetime, she spent the reat of the us journey getting a similar glaring from the rest of the bus and trying to seem invisible, i wish i had it in me to do something psychotic but i dont i am just a mild mannered girl with a lot of pent up aggression, i wish i could drive, if i could i would have follwed the cow home and run her over, or followed her to north wales and done it there.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:21, Reply)

first post woop woop
i dont drive so i dont get road rage as such but i do get pavement/shopping centre rage. I cant stand people (usually elderly or chavvy or just plain retarded) who have all week to go to lets say the asda or town, but they choose peak times, i used to work in a shitty call centre in liverpool and have to go to the ank to get cash out using my little blue book at lunchtimes, about 12pm or so, noe if i was and elderly person i would think, oh hold on its lunchtime people who still have lives might actually want to do things right now ill come back later on in my depressingly empty day and conduct my business later as i have all the bleedi time in the bloody world, but no they choose to que up and make me late back for work, to add insult to injury they then aimlessly wander about the town blocking the pavments and acting all shocked when you ask them to get out of my fucking way grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Piss of back to your countdown and incontinence pads you bunch of decrepid old wankers and let me live my life in peace.

apologies for not being road rage but it is a valid form of rage nonetheless.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:10, Reply)

Che
You're wrong on that one Che, or at least I disagree. It really annoys me when people needlessly abandon the third lane of a motorway a full mile before it's going to end. This just increases the length of the tailback by half as much again. It's not hard to zipper in from 3 lanes to 2, at least German drivers seem to manage it.

My first girlfriend suffered from road rage. Several times I had to remind her that cars' soundproofing isn't perfect and that the windows of a car are, necessarily, see-through. She would always pick the biggest, hardest looking pedestrians to swear and gesticulate at too. Inexplicable.
(flimflam_machine, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 16:06, Reply)

Silly thing to do...
M25, 6:30 on a Thursday morning, riding my bike down to Camberley for a course at a well known hardware manufacturer. I'd been doing the journey on and off for a couple of weeks so have gotten comfortable with the route and with the level of traffic/congestion. Traffic is doing aboout 45mph and I'm happily filtering through between middle and right hand lanes at about 50/55mph. Then I spot her. She's in a typical rep-mobile mondeo/vectra/passat/whatever and apparently not actually paying a great deal of attention to the road. I'm being very careful looking for people changing lanes and she looks like she's going to change lanes for about a mile, keeping moving from middle lane towards outside and then back again after touching the cats-eyes. Eventually I decide to go for the overtake (a Porsche of all cars had pulled over as far as he could to the right to allow me through!). When I drew level, however, I noticed the reason for the vagueness of her driving, she appeared to be reading. On closer inspection, it turned out she was doing a crossword!

Red Mist set in, I decided that I should draw her attention to the fact that someone on a motorbike had drawn alongside and had seen what the hell she was doing. Instead of revving loudly or perhaps beeping the horn, I decided that it would be more effective to tap loudly on her window. She looked up in utter panic and wrenched the steering wheel, blindly swerving the car across her lane.

Fortunately for me, she swerved to the left, rather than to the right. After gaining some composure she then sat with a look of abject horror that someone had seen what she was doing. I, on the other hand, waved two fingers at her in an angry manner before speeding off to find the first exit from motorway where I allowed my heart rate to drop below 250.

It never occurred to me for one second that she would have reacted so violently, and that it was a 50/50 chance of her swerving straight into me and taking me off the bike and under the wheels of several nearby cars and lorries.

Still ride the bike, still filter through traffic, still look out for idiots, no longer attempt to scare them to teach them a lesson.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 15:52, Reply)

Frankspencer
The cycle paths might be knacked where you live, but they're top notch in my neck of the woods. Besides, why risk being flattened by a French truck driver trying to negotiate down a fold in the map, than having to avoid the odd pothole?

I'm with you on the fuckwit parking in the cycle lane thing though. 'Not being a fuckwit' should be a tested caveat before being issued with a driving licence.

I think this harps back to the old chestnut of all cyclists hating motorists and vice versa*. Now I'm a motorist, I am contractually obliged to wish mangled pain upon the selfish twunts riding two abreast whilst the traffic queues behind them in seething malaise.

Don't even get me started on cyclists with black jackets on, pedaling along at night without lights.

*also works with students / non-students
(valdivar kant speel, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 15:50, Reply)

QUEUE JUMPERS.......grrrrrrrr
But worst of all are those drivers that don’t like to queue. You know what I mean? Say there are roadworks and the outside lane is closed. Most of us move into the still open lane in good time, but some wankers ‘overtake’ the whole queue and then push in right at the end. The other time is junctions where the right-hand lane is empty because it is ‘turn right ONLY’, these twunts pass 50 or 60 cars then push in at the end.

ONE DAY the wrong car will try this on me at the end of the WRONG DAY – don’t let it be you…please.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 15:45, Reply)

A few years back
a friend of mine was giving me a lift home, sometime after midnight.

Near to my house was a chap and his girlfriend standing by the side of the road, their car immobile. The chap waved at us to stop.

"Can you possibly tow me to a petrol station? I have a rope in the back of my car..."

Now my mate didn't really want to do this, but he is a thoroughly nice chap who wouldn't want to leave somebody else in need, so he agreed.

The journey to the petrol station wasn't all that smooth - my friend was a pretty inexperienced driver at the time and his first towing experience was a bit jerky, but we got to the garage.

"Thanks very much," said the other bloke, "...but when you are towing a car and it starts to jerk like that, you should blah blah..." he then proceeded to give my friend a patronising lecture on how to tow a car properly. This annoyed me greatly.

I replied, "See when that red light in the fuel guage comes on, that means you should fill the car with petrol."
( Mystery_Bob, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 15:32, Reply)

Ooh, I've just thought of another one.
Many moons ago, whilst living at my Dad's pub, I was pulling out of the car park one morning, ready to turn right. The car park was just some space at the front of the pub, between it and the pavement, which had a dropped kerb. This meant that in order to see whether there was anything coming, I had to pull over the pavement.

Whilst sitting waiting for the road to clear an old couple approached from the right (the driver's side, as I'm in Good Old England), and stood right outside my car. As in right against the window, which I was looking out of.

I would the window down to ask them politely to move, to be greeted with an irate "You're blocking the pavement!" from the old man, at which point I decided not to ask them nicely at all and replied "Well if you'd fucking get out of the fucking way I'd be able to see if there were any fucking cars coming and I'd be able to get off the fucking pavement!"

They were quite shocked, and moved swiftly out of the way.

I was even more shocked - as anyone who's ever met me knows, I'm very quiet and reserved usually, and this was totally out of character.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 15:29, Reply)