Abusing the local constabulary
Late one night I was driving from Walsall back home to Shirley (in Birmingham) having just had a storming row with my ex-GF. It was about 2:30am and I was really angry. As I was coming down the dual carriageway approaching the University another car was approaching me on the other side of the road and his headlights were all messed up. You know how I mean, when one headlight is barely visible and the other is shining up in the sky burning brighter that the sun itself. So being in a foul mood I wound down my window, put my lights on main beam, honked my horn furiously, leant out of the window and whilst giving 2 fingers yelled "Get your Fu***** lights fixed you stupid C***!" As the car flew past the word "POLICE" was now clearly printed on the side of the car and a very red faced looking bearded copper was snarling at me.

Now in a state of panic I put my foot down, drove into the University car park, parked, turned off my lights and engine and prayed.

It was half an hour before I moved but I never got caught.

No apologies for length. My ex never got one so neither will you.
(goulash51 Lurking with intent since, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 11:17, Reply)

Ah go on then.
I'll tell my tale.

Cycling along at the end of the working day, and stopped at a red traffic light. Some kind of car (I'm crap with cars, soz) pulled up next to me filled with 17 / 18 years olded youth. They seemed fine, and when "racing" me away from me when the light changed, I forgive their youthful indiscretion.

HOWEVER when I pulled up next to them at the next set of lights in the same situation, the little ginger runt in the passenger seat decided to gob on me... I wasn't having that.

Getting away from a mad cyclist swinging his D lock (I am normally quite calm and forgiving, but that really really riled me) is quite simple in a car... but when your car comes up to the end of a traffic queue, you're in trouble.

They ended up driving the wrong side of the road towards an oncoming lorry to escape down a side road to the right. Bad form.

I went home armed with incident times and his plate, and rang the police to see if they did anything illegal and if they could give them a ticking off.

Was quite happy to be told it was assault and dangerous driving. Caught on CCTV, the driver got 5 points and the passenger got a caution for assault. HA!

And I seen them in my local a month or so later and got them chucked out for being under age. I'm such a petty rule abiding cunt.
(kev.cc, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 11:04, Reply)

More like road shock!
I can't believe that this incident hasn't remained indelibly engraved in my memory.

To wit:

Driving in traffic-packed inner-city Melbourne on the way to my grandparents, my little brother (about 4 or 6?) and I were sitting in the kiddie seats in the boot of a Volvo (they face the back of the car).

I have no idea why he thought it was a good idea at the time, but he started to pull his pants down. Suddenly noticing what he was doing, I tried to pull them back up but he started whinging and crying!

Noticing the sea of faces behind us in all the cars I tried desperately to pull them up and asked my dad to take charge, but my pleas went ignored.

Not satisfied with his trousers being down he then proceeded to pull his underwear down, in a manner that could only be described as exhibitionist in nature...

As the woman behind us looked on in shock I set about trying to pull them up... to no avail - he refused to allow them to be brought up...

Thoroughly sick of this I just sat back and watched in stony silence out the large back window as the different people came and went, seeing my brother reclining there with his penis flapping around.

After about 10 minutes of this uncomfortable, embarrassing journey I tried again and managed to get him to pull everything up again. I can only guess that what put his toddler's brain into this track was the feeling that he was too warm.

He must have quickly forgotten about it because when I reminded him years later he didn't believe it. I take a lot of pleasure in routinely reminding him and everybody he knows about this story. Vive la blackmail :)
(satellite blows, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 10:52, Reply)

Siouxfan
not everyone from the West Midlands, just the particular brand that come to the South West and get swept out to sea. Happens at least once a week in the summer.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Cheats never prosper
I was racing along one day, doing bout 100-110ish when all of a sudden I was furiously overtaken and cut up by a load of gangsta wanna bes, which caused me to lose control of my Turbo Terrific and crash into a wall. Low and be-hold it was the Ant Hill Mob. The reason they were driving so quickly was because they were being closely chased by Dick Dastardly in his Mean Machine. He appeared to have some kind of giant Acme rocket strapped to the top of his car which promptly exploded leaving him and his pet dog driving nothing but two wheels and a smouldering seat. I wouldn’t have minded but the stupid moustached cunt never wins a race a anyway! Why does he ruin everyone elses chances!

Makes me so angry!!!!!

Yours Sincerely

Peter Perfect
(WillyBean, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 10:33, Reply)

Hey Vipros!
Don't be nasty to us people from the West Midlands. Swept out to sea indeed. You don't scare me{hides behind Flibbley} so there.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 10:26, Reply)

if we're on to pedestrians...
what irritates me more than people stopping suddenly is that when walking down a crowded street I'm always the one that is getting out of peoples way. if someone is coming towards me I'll step to the side or twist my body so we can get past each other.

Occasionally I'll get fed up with this and walk srtaight to my destination. This lasts for a minute or so after my 6'2", 15st frame has knocked several blank-faced, vacant-eyed idiots to the ground....

this doesn't just apply to this sort of situation, but driving and all sorts, and is (I think) obviously the cause of a lot of people's complaints on here. Most people are just so stupid that they have no awareness of what is going on around them. They act like badly programmed robots, they can carry out their task perfectly well, but if you put something in their way they can't cope with it, and would just keep banging into it.

per example: walking from the beach with my bro, I'm holding the front of both of our 9'6" surfboards, he is holding the rear. we pass through a narrow gap, wall one side, land rover the other, and a bunch of idiot tourists just stop in front of me, leaving no room for me to get past. I can't move to the side as I'm holding the front of these two rather unwieldy beasts. At this point I look up into their faces to see if they might show a glimmer of intelligence and step back or to the side, but no, there's nothing there. Just gazing off into the middle distance, with a vapid look on their faces. I then hope that they are of the particular breed of tourist from the West Midlands who comes to our beaches and gets swept out to sea....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 10:13, Reply)

rage on the roads
people on busses who when they cant firn a seat just stand aroung at the front of the bus making it hard to get on or off the bus. yes students i mean you (well the little daddys gold cardites and the ones who find it oh so necssary to talk loudly about thier degree as if to make mere mortals feel inadequate, well ive got news for you, i did a degree and passed and not once did i try and be "cool" by discussing the cognitive evolution of the bonobo compared to the chimpanzee in loud voices whils blockin the aisle of the 86 into liverpool)

MOVE DOWN THE BUS you IDIOTS, you are going to cause an ACCIDENT.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh and relax, i am really only pissed off because i was half an hour late for work and missed me stop because of said WANKERS on the bus
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 10:09, Reply)

My story
I'd had a bad day with the then-GF, was on my way to Manchester airport to drop her off and had just got onto that dual carrigeway that becomes the M66 after a few miles. Now for those who don't know, the first part of this road is quite a steep hill, and I was driving a ludicriously slow Vauxhall Cavalier turbodiesel. I was in the fast lane, 4th gear, foot to the floor, trying to get the turbo on boost, only doing about 55-60ish but still going faster than those in the inside lane, otherwise I would have been there. When all of a sudden some stupid bint in a Golf decides to undertake me, quite dangerously, whilst beeping her horn.

Well that was it. I snapped. At this exact moment, we reached the top of the hill, and started descending the other side. My car started to pick up speed. I put my hand on the horn and held it there. I chased after her at 80, 85, 90, 95, 100, still blaring my horn at her. I got within a few feet of her bumper, flashing my lights and furiously flipping hte bird. We got to 105 and I was still glued to her backside, beeeeeeeping the horn. I think she must have been absolutely shit scared as she left at the next exit and nearly lost control. Stupid cow.

Psycho? Me? Maybe, but she deserved it.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 9:40, Reply)

and finally
i was in sainsburys in the footballers' wives town where my dad lives. in the Q i overheard the seriously high-maintenance-trophy-never worked-a-day-in-her-life-wife in front of me telling the cashier that her husband wasn't speaking to her.

turned out the silly cow had got the heel of her 6" manolo stuck under the driver's mat in her 4x4 as she was cruising into her own drive. she had promptly driven straight over the top of her husband's brand new menopause mobile porsche.

as if that wasn't enough, still unable to stop, she had pushed the mangled carcasses of both cars into the kitchen wall, thereby destroying a large part of their new extension. all in all she reckoned the bill would be £200,000.

and she found this funny.

i felt like throwing my shopping over her gucci-clad back...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 9:39, Reply)

Similar to door holding
As with ignorant people who don't say thank you when you hold a door open for them, I get really wound up when you let a driver through and they just drive past as if they hadn't seen you flash them through.

"No, thank YOU" shouted through their window as they pass seems to simply confuse the ignorant bastards
(smorgasbord, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 9:37, Reply)

mad witness
my friend sarah was driving through a didsbury (manchester for you southerners) car park. a woman reversing her mummy-mobile 4x4 out of a space too quickly did not see her and reversed into the side of her. lots of witnesses so sarah picked one and took his details.

a few weeks later, and the woman is denying it. even though there is a 4x4 shaped hole in sarah's clio passenger door. so sarah rings the witness for a statement. and it turns out she's picked the weirdo in the carpark.

"no, sorry, i can't help you," he said sorrowfully. "i'm on tour as a backing singer for kylie minogue in new york at the moment."

"but you've just answered a didsbury phone number," said sarah blankly. "and kylie minogue is being treated for cancer and isn't on tour......"

"sorry, gotta go," said the witness. "i'm on for the next number." and hung up.

more road bafflement than rage, but it amused me anyway!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 9:33, Reply)

rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage
people who are walking on the pavement in front of you and then just STOP. so you bang into them or have to screech to a halt and dance round them. for no reason other than they want to look at the pretty things in the shop window or send a text message or scratch their balls.... grrrrrr.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 9:24, Reply)

I have a good one
Back in 99 I was labouring on a building site, helping to build a retirement village in Wiltshire. On this day I was using a dump truck to move topsoil to make pretty lawns. I had just dumped a load, and had to very carefully reverse around a bend, two wheels on the path,trying not to mash the brand new lighting bollards. Some suppliers had turned up whilst I was dropping the load and, seeing a nice empty spot had parked to drop theirs. Unfortunately, they had parked on the pinch point of this bend. I had to reverse the dumper right into the rear corner of their truck to avoid damage to my employer's lighting, and given that the rear quarter of a dump truck is somewhat sturdier than an Iveco flatbed I turned that portion of their truck into a metal crepe. Supplier knobhead in hardhat came across shouting the odds and ready to start a fight, until I pointed out the large 'No Parking' sign right in front of his windscreen. So very satisfying.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 9:22, Reply)

I was at a bus stop...
Not exciting though.
One man with a broken arm almost got in to fisticuffs with another random over some obscure thing in the middle of the main road. Only stopped because of the police that drove towards them but didn't see them..

Also, frequently get harassed by drivers who run the red light and over the pedestrian crossing. I flip them off but the next time it happens i may very well be that nutter.
(rackertan_man, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 8:20, Reply)

Southern California
So, seeing as I live in SoCal, it's a perfect setting for road rage of the highest order.
I've instigated most of my road rage incidents..

1: On the 405 freeway, in rush hour traffic (it takes 2 hours to do a 40 minute drive) in the morning, some blonde is putting her makeup on. While driving. She gets off the same exit as me, and is swerving all over the road. I'm yelling at her that she's a stupid bitch, which she can't hear and then proceeds to put on her eyeliner......in the fucking car........while driving.....and swerving.
I honk at her, she slams the brake on in free flowing traffic.
I slip into the lane next to her and yell obscenities out of my window and flip her off.
The guy behind me pulled up at the next lights and gave me a thumbs up!

2: Husband is driving us home from dinner one night, some idiot cuts in front of us causing him to slam brakes on. He then chases this guy for about 1/2 mile and they play cat and mouse with each other for another mile! Scared the crap out of me!

3: Driving out for lunch today, my light turns green....just as I'm about to pull away a car comes through the red light.....I honk and give him the finger.

I wouldn't mind, but I'm a girly! And never mind the Chinese lady who eats her bowl of cereal while driving to work, doing 40 in the outside lane of the freeway!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 8:15, Reply)

Cock on a bike
A while ago,while driving into London, my Mum stopped at the lights,while a fair amount of pedestrians crossed the road in front. I had noted there was a cyclist next to us,and was happily laughing at his lycra when the lights changed.

However,ther was still about 3 people walking accross the road at a leisurly pace, so my Mum didnt drive,she waited for the people to cross. Then,the cyclist leaned in her window and shouted, all red faced, "what the fuck are you doing???"

It turned out he had some kind of objection to waiting for the people to finish crossing and fully expected my Mum to just drive off and run them over as soon as the light went green.

What a cunt... On a bike...In lycra shorts...
(Miharu, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 8:09, Reply)

Door holding
Like Captain Ham I am mightily pissed off when people don't even acknowledge the fact when I hold the door open for them and, yes the "you're welcome" doesn't seem to register with the ignorant wastes of DNA. So I shout "you ignorant useless piece of shit" at them from VERY close range.









Reactions vary.
Length, girth AND stamina! What's not to like?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 7:18, Reply)

High Beams v. Rally Car.
i volunteer at the local round of the WRC in the service park, and a few years ago this was held somewhat out of town. one night i'd finished my shift, though the vehicles were still servicing and heading back out to drive around the Super Special stage before parking in Park Ferme overnight.

i was behind one competitor on the main roads on my way home when a car coming the opposite direction failed to dim his high beams.

the competitor flicked his once to let the oncomer know. nothing.
twice. three times.

then flicked on all eight of the brightest motherfucking spotlights you've ever seen, the road lit up like it was daytime, causing Mr. Inconsiderate to lock up his wheels and drive into the drainage ditch alongside the highway.

i wish i knew which car it was that did this as i could've shaken his hand the next day.
(mikewicked, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 5:00, Reply)

More Pavement Rage
People who shove their way through and only say 'excuse me' afterwards.

It's like wiping your arse and then taking a shit.
(><(((">, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 4:50, Reply)

On the topic of pavement rage...
...when you let people through a door or something, or generally step out of someone's way, and they don't even make fucking eye contact or say thanks. Usually it is hot chicks who do this. And old people. In fact it's a lot of people.

What can I say to these people? I grow weary of the tired old sarcastic 'Youre welcome'. Any of you witty b3ta people got any better ones?
(captain_pirate, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 2:12, Reply)

American Drivers
Indicators? what are they? seriously, half of the drivers in the Northeast USA don't bother with the blinker and the other half have left it on since they accidentally hit it 3 miles back up the road. Nobody trusts people signaling because they might as well just go straight instead of turn.

In the US (most places except NYC and where posted) it is legal to make a right-turn-on-red. It turns the red light into a stop sign (in the UK you would be able to make a left turn on red). The RULE is, after coming to a COMPLETE STOP, AND checking that the traffic that has the green is clear you can make a right turn even if the light is red. It speeds things up again. So what do people do? they come screaming up to a red light, see that if they whip around the corner they can BEAT the oncoming traffic and to add insult to injury they then proceed to go slow so you have to wind up grabbing a handful (on the bike) of brakes or a foot load in the car. It boils my blood.

Another thing is LEFT TURN ONLY or RIGHT TURN ONLY lanes. Thats what they mean ONLY. Well the US equivalent of chavs decide that rather than wait in the "straight ahead" lane they will go up to the head of the queue in the must turn lane and then punch it from the light and pass everyone. I had some sod in a brand new Saab try that while I was on the way home in my shitty pickup truck. I kept him to a point where he either had to brake or hit me, he chose the latter. We pulled over and I called the coppers. He was yelling and screaming that I did it deliberately. I quietly said, "well the police will be here soon, you can tell them" Two cars roll up, one takes my information one takes his. I never got out of the truck, he was standing in the road waving his arms, pointing at the lights, pointing at his car (now not looking quite so new and lovely). Another word with me, they both go back to him. MUCH more frantic arm waving. Next thing I see is him driving away (assuming he was pissed off) and I get an accident report number and wished a good day. I went to the cop shop later in the week to get the report and it turns out not only did he get a nice dent on his brandy new Saab he also got a $78 ticket and 3 points for the violation. Ahhh Sweet.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 2:03, Reply)

Grrrrrrr
Yes, the roads are full of arsewipes.

* Cyclists: I am an occasional cyclist. I do stop at traffic lights, most of the time. If I go across a red light, I do it at a reasonably slow pace, as I would walking across a road. I have, however, been almost run over many times as a pedestrian, by cyclists who fly through red lights at top speed. Cunts. I might sneak through carefully, which might well annoy you if you're driving a car. Well, if you're jealous of my relative freedom to ignore the lights, you know where the bike shop is.

* Regarding cyclists pulling away early at junctions: It seems to annoy a lot of car drivers, when cyclists pull away on an amber. This is one reason why it's a good idea:

When you're riding a bike, at low speed, the bike is unstable. You wobble. There's not a lot that can be done about it. As far as I'm concerned I'd rather set off, wobbling, before you, thinking you're Nigel Fucking Mansell, try to outburn someone at the lights. Hopefully by the time you've let out the clutch I'm a bit further down the road doing a reasonable pace.

* Taxi drivers. Not the only culprits, but why can't you indicate?! Especially when turning left in front of people. In fact, general lack of indication is possibly my biggest irritation on the roads. It's just moving your finger about 2 inches, you thick twat.

* People who come up behind you when you're driving on the motorway, doing 70 in the middle lane. They're flashing their lights, doing their nut. Well, I let them get their blood pressure nice and high... OK, maybe I should move to the left hand lane. But there's a lorry about a mile ahead, and in about 40 seconds i'll be overtaking it. I think changing lanes every two minutes is more dangerous than staying where I am, especially since I am travelling at the speed limit. Anyone who thinks I'm in their way is speeding, and they can damn well find their own way past me. I'm not about to speed up for them, and hopefully they'll get points and a fine.

* Talking on their phone: Look, Talk or Drive. One or the other. There's no excuse.

* Pedestrians... Yeah, stepping out in front of you. Sometimes they're drunk, sometimes they just didn't look, and sometimes (particularly as a cyclist) they just want to play chicken. I'm a fast cyclist though by no means the speediest, but you're pretty stupid if you think a bike hitting you at 20 mph isn't going to hurt. Get the fuck out of my way.

* And while we're on the subject of pedestrians....

-- When the red man is showing, don't cross. I walk through central Manchester every day. Every day, some pedestrian nearly gets run over by a bus or a car and they put on this unbelieving, arrogant face. If you cross on the red man, someone will try to kill you with their vehicle. That's why the Red Man is there. You've been warned.

-- Let people off the bus before you get on. Yes, I will continue to tell you this every time you try it. Don't look outraged, surprised or indignant. It's YOU who are in the wrong.

-- Look where you're going. I walk fast. I know where I'm going. Don't stop in front of me. Look behind you to check you're not getting in my way before you veer randomly across the pavement. You'd probably do it if you were driving your car. But since you're a thick cunt, you'd probably not.

-- Don't stand in the middle of the pavement to talk. The Asian population seem to be the worst for this. There seems to be a culture in India or Pakistan or whereever the perpetrators of this irritating habit are from, where they are quite happy to congregate on the pavement right in everybody's way to have a nice chat. Don't. It's rude, at least in this country.

-- Don't stop suddenly just as you're about to get on an escalator. One of these days, I'm going to stab you.

I think I've vented enough spleen now.

Apologies for my only average length and girth, but I hope I knew how to use it.
(Christopsy, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 0:32, Reply)

Angy at the time... pissed myself afterwards
I have a loan bike from the insurance company at the mo after some silly old bint wrote my R6 off not looking where she was going. I hate the loan bike... a lot! Anyhoo some stupid chav bint decided to do the "walk into the side of a moving vehicle" trick that they all seem to try and perfect to which I shouted "FUCK OFF OR I'LL KICK YOU IN THE TIT". She looked just as confused as me trying to think why the bloody hell I'd used such a pathetic insult... although I laughed all the way home............................... (about 2 minutes... was just around the corner
( GeordieSteve, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 0:19, Reply)

fridge magnet
has just reminded me of something i did recently. was on my bike riding along the road when a woman tried to reverse into me. she stopped as she saw me and shrugged in a mock apology. so as i rode past the left side of her car i opened up the wing mirror so she could actually use it
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 23:15, Reply)

Willennium
Jim Tiger's in the green Montego, reg G467LAK.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 16 Oct 2006, 22:48, Reply)

A15 - Willenium
Actually, there's loads of other overtaking spots on the A15. Doesn't stop morons driving in a massive queue because noone overtakes.

On this road, I've had to pass about 5 lorries, 3 caravans, 8 cars, etc in one go becuase of everyone driving so close together - that annoys me a lot.

So on the A15, I've driven like a nutter because sometimes, there's just no alternative....

I'll not tell you which car because I still drive that road now........
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 22:19, Reply)

ancient history
I once was riding my motorised bike home after a hard days work, my mood was not improved by a car full of lairy bitches cutting me up and making me brake very hard to avoid injury. so when i pulled up to them at some lights to discuss the matter further i was told, in no uncertain terms, that my personal feelings were none of their concern, more to the point they were sorry to have missed me at all.
when i caught up to them again I had my first ever violent road rage outburst, and punched down on their left hand wing mirror. To my dismay, it didn't come cleanly off, so I had to punch it repeatedly to ensure complete destruction before i rode off (veh quickly). i remember looking at their faces just before i shot off, and what i saw was good. Four cowering, horrified, scared shitless heartless bitches, i could not have asked for more. I still smile when i think about it, i hope they have nightmares forever. and rabies. bitches.
( fridge_magnet, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 22:15, Reply)

people
who nick trolleys from sainsbury's near UWE and walk back to uwe with them. LAZY CUNTS get out of my way, there's a cycle path there for cyclists, not for bastards who can't be arsed carrying their pot noodles back in the fucking plastic bag that sainsbury's have given you
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 21:56, Reply)

Not strictly what was meant by the question
I was crossing one arm(?) of a crossroad near my house recently, and was aware of a car moving in the same direction as me. This car had its indicator on to turn right, which was OK, since I was most definitely on the left. I stepped out, and realised that said car was becoming immensely close at an alarming rate, and in fact turning towards me. I ended up sort of hugging the bonnet, in fact, because the driver failed to stop in time.

Pissed that I had almost taken a knock through no fault of my own, I slapped the guy's bonnet with both hands as hard as I could, pointed at his indicators, and screamed words along the lines of "What the fuck is wrong with you, you retarded twat?!".

At this point I realised that the driver was actually a 7ft tall black giant. I'm about 5'10", skinny, white, and would obviously be hard pressed to hold my own even against someone matching my physical description.

Instead of pounding me into a fine mist as I was expecting, he looked like he was about to cry, mouthed apologies, and looked at the floor (but didn't get out, haha).

All in all, a surprise victory for me.
(bad1dea, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 21:52, Reply)