Pissed Off
I don’t have anything against cyclists myself: I am one sometimes. But they can be a bit frustrating at times, like when they ride in packs on windy narrow roads and wont let you through.

A friend of mine used to regularly get trapped behind a cycling group. His knock-off time and route home coincided with their training time and route. It used to annoy the hell out of him, and a lot of other people who used the same road.

One day he decided he had had enough. So he peed in his windscreen washer container, aligned one the jets so it was pointing out to the side, disconnected the other one, and when he finally had the chance to pass his regular enemies he gave them a nice squirt of smelly yellow urine.

It didn't fix the problem, but it did give him an evil sense of satisfaction.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 0:59, Reply)

Nissans...
Nissan Micras. Old ladies in Nissan Micras. They are the fuel of my anger management issues whilst driving. Why do they insist on going 20mph less than the speed limit?!? And why dont they get that I am tailgating them for a reason and that they should let me past? And you just know they are sitting there moaning how 'the youth of today are always in such a hurry.'
(You Love It, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 0:26, Reply)

I am the worst driver in the world.
My friends call it "comedy road rage". I tend to get rather hot headed behind the wheel, which is strange cos i'm so docile normally.
Anyway, Thursday evening just gone driving down a biiiiiig hill near me, when chap pulls out in front of me. I swerve, manage to miss and give im the old five finger handshake out the window. He proceeds to chase me in his muchfasterthanashitoldclio car. I think I've lost him, pull into Tesco carpark all smug. Walk in, and he's there picking up a basket. Hence the current black eye..........

no apologies for length
( currantbun is nubtnarruc backwards, Sun 15 Oct 2006, 0:03, Reply)

Die Autobahnen.....
The Nazi's single most greatest invention - motorways with no speed limits...

Cue driving from one end of the country to the other in a fully laden 3,5 ton merc sprinter, somewhere in shitty Hessen (crappy state in the middle of germany) some prick decides to cut us up and squeeze into a gap of half a car length - (this all whilst driving at 110 mph).......screeeeeeeeech of tyres, much light and horn action, and not nearly enough visual swearing - the cunt had the cheek to look at us as we passed as if to say what?.
Fucking bmw driving fucktard son of a crack whore kraut!
Shame we didnt plough in the back of him and give him a good slap....

Oh and they say that bmw is the bavarian clitoris, every cunt has one.....
(Herr Oberfeldwebel Steh auf oder stirb auf die Knien..., Sat 14 Oct 2006, 23:34, Reply)

im generally the tw@ who will over take u just for the sake of over takin u
I have a very quick car, I aint gonna mention what it is cuz all i'l get is "hur hur hur my ***insert sum chaved up corsa/saxo*** is faster than that"

but anyways, I have 1 question to all these cyclists... if you hate cars and buses so much. Who the F*CK is going to pay for the roads if we weren't here?

I think you should only be allowed an opinion about other peoples driving... no scrub that... u shud only be ALLOWED on the road if u pay for it.

I stump up £200+ per year alone just so i can drive to work, and ur moanin cuz u might get cut up? but its ok to jump red lights, ride on the wrong side, not indicate?

How cum if u want to drive u need a licence and tax but if ur on a bike in the eyes of the law ur almost god like and will NEVER be prosecuted for not havin insurance if u cause an accident.

Replies on a self-addressed envelope please
(nikwood28, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 23:10, Reply)

Classic Cars
Was with my mate, we were going to a party in his car. I thought it would be nice to 'bring a bottle'. So we went to Morrisons en-route and I bought a bottle of vodka. Was asked 'do you want a bag' ... said no, as we were both wearing 'floorduster' coats and put the bottle in my inside coat pocket.

Got to the car and we were about to drive off when two security guards charged at us. One yanked open the Driver door and dived in to try to grab the ignition keys, only to discover they weren't in the side of the steering column. We were in a Rover P6 where the keys go in the middle of the dashboard.

Cue much confusion and emabarrassment from said security guard and severe apologies when he finds himself looking at a receipt for the bottle of booze and a pair of plasticuffs and a pair of Greater Manchester warrant cards that say we'd make sure he had a pleasant night Chez Liz (the nick).

Needless to say he apologised and was let on his way. He had a valid point (we looked VERY suspect) but agreed he was in the wrong.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 22:55, Reply)

OK. Belgian motorway.
Fairly busy, but not completely jammed. I was trying to get onto the right-hand (i.e. slow) lane because I didn't want to block anyone on the fast lane. There was a fairly large gap to my right which I pulled into, but accidentally ended up cutting up this small van. I'm still not sure I'd actually been too stupid to see him - I suspect he may have pulled up very suddenly and abruptly *after* I'd checked I was clear. I suspect this because, after I'd cut him up, he did something impressively stupid:

He pulled out into the other lane, managed to overtake me, then cut me up *extremely* closely, clearly intentionally, and then slammed his brakes HARD, causing me to nearly crash into him.

WTF? People like that should have their licence revoked, permanently.
(julius, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 22:05, Reply)

Think Bike.
Near where I live there is a rather unpleasant junction. The two lanes leading up to it are directional (left-hand lane to turn left or go straight on, right-hand lane for right turns), and the left-hand lane is a bus lane all the way up close to the junction. Most drivers seem oblivious to the very short hours of operation of said bus lane, so cue a lot of last-minute lane-changes over to the left.

Enter yours truly on a little motorbike, moving up the left-hand lane. Now, it's sensible to keep an eye out for people who are not doing likewise, and I know this junction and its hazards, so carefully I go.

But there wasn't much I could do when Mr Dingbat pulls sharply into my lane...without indicating...without checking his mirrors, coming within a hair of smashing right into me.

Cue emergency braking, a long blast on the horn, then stopping beside him at the light to bang on his window and scream at him.

What on earth is wrong with the world when a 21 year-old learner driver is put in the position of having to remind a driver in his 50s to indicate?
(Musuko, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 20:21, Reply)

About a year ago my car got written off by some drunk bastard,
anyway I was using a bus for the first time in ages and was with my good friend Tony. Now Tony is a muslim, and this being recently after July 7th he was getting a lot of funny looks. So when he gets off the bus I decided it would be funny, just after the doors have closed to shout "Mate you've forgotten your backpack!"

Next thing everyone moves to the back trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Then the driver slams on the brakes, so, red-faced, I explain it was a joke. A torrent of naughty, naughty, very, very naughty words followed so I pressed the emergency door open button and dived out.

Can you believe that I'm a father?
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Sat 14 Oct 2006, 18:19, Reply)

Crazy Cabbie
Earlier this year I was on a work sponsored pissup in Amsterdam, all good fun, but you get odd looks when you ask for a receipt froma lap dancing bar. Anyhoo, we checked out of the floating palace that is the Amstel Botel, and hailed a taxi to take is to schipol Airport. Our driver soon proved that he learn to drive through playing a mixture of Colin Macrea rally and Grand Theft Auto: he wasnt bothered which side of the road he was on, he just picked the one with the least traffic on it; bus and tram lines, one way streets, roadworks? all just opportunities for him to show off his utter bastard-driving skills. Once we got out of town he calmed down a bit, and stuck to a sedate speed on the motorway. He pointed out to us that these are speed cameras in every gantry, and they are all loaded. Anyone who went past us over the speed limit, he good naturedly tooted his horn at them and pointed at the cameras. However, a big angry fella went storming past in a BMW M3, and when our driver tooted at him, he flicked us the bird! Well, our would-be-rally driver was having none of this, and preceeded to pull out and chase the BMW, at 130, in the pissing rain, very very close to his bumper. I was pretty scared at this point, but it was nothing compared to the brown trousers moment I felt as our driver suddenly remembered what he was meant to be doing that day, and swerved accross 5 lanes of traffic, literally running a Polo off the road, so that he could make the last exit for the airport. His aggressive driving forced 2 minibuses to pull over on the slip road to the airport, and his comment? 'everyone is crazy today, they cant drive!'. And he was fucked off that we didnt give him a tip.

Length? Its been up and down like a Yo-Yo today.
(powermonkey poo is a weapon, monkeys use it, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 17:35, Reply)

One of my greatest regrets,
Is that I never manage to reply to QOTW's on time.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 17:08, Reply)

Lazy Lazy Plod
that dumb plod below - no wonder there are so many ignorant crap drivers about if he just lets them off with a warning.

I'm off to hunt the wanker in the Chelsea tractor who tried to deliberately run me off the road, after all the effing Police are now far too busy to actually do the job that our money pays them to do.

Once in the long distant past the Police were public servants who did their job.

Now they are just fat lazt arseholes who spend all day dodging between pieshops and collecting data from their speed cameras.

I suggest we sack the entire Police force in the UK and get some people in who will enforce the laws that they should have been doing!!!!

Thank you....rant over...I feel so much better now :)
(Zuffle farts silently in lifts then leaves the warm aroma, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 17:07, Reply)

Bikes
wackmeister

Do my job? Every time that guy sees a white car, he's going to drive like a nun. This is but one story. I work in a busy area full of cars, bicycles and busses. I mostly deal with thieves and drunk idiots. I've arrested and charged more people in the past month than most of my peers. I’m not a traffic officer, they are the ones who are dedicated, full time, to catching idiot drivers. I do frequently have to stop cyclists though, as at least 70% of them don’t use lights, ride in pedestrian areas, pavements, cut up cars at junctions and roundabouts and as a result get punted off.

I used to be a cycle courier in Belfast. Until recently I also rode a motorbike. I know how to ride and I know what morons car drivers are. I know how dangerous it is to be riding a bike of any sort of public roads. But I’ll still nick you if you hit a pedestrian for dangerous cycling. 2 months ago, a cyclist on my patch hit a little old lady and broke her leg. He was riding in a pedestrian area with no regard for anyone and she paid the price. He had to go to court and answer for his incompetence, she went to hospital.

Don’t come and try to tell me how to do my job, I get enough of it from pissed up wankers.
*edit* like him above. sigh.
(menashem, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 17:02, Reply)

Let The Rage Ferment
Dark, stormy, and had a faint trace of evil about it. It was truly a night of the devil. I was but a cab-driver in the south London city of Croydon, in which three young Afro-Carribean males had got into the back of my cab. Now, it was one of the proper ones with safety glass and un-openable doors for the passengers. So, whilst these men told me I'd broken the tail-lights of one of their cars a week previous, (Which I had not) and they were going to rob me at knife point, I happily hopped out of my car, and had a wank onto their windows. Much to their horror, I shot a good litre of spunk onto the window before exhausting my supplies. And then I drove to my garage and had the engine running, whilst I jumped out and closed the door. The C4 I had concealed under my car exploded, and my killer robots controlled by The Quo then stalked the ruins of my garage for any remenants of human life. It brought me their heads, which to this day I often copulate with. Hahahah! Nurse Bigoobles is coming!
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 16:15, Reply)

Years ago when at school
Some friends and I were trying to cross the road. It wasn't easy as drivers were studiously ignoring the zebra crossing we were standing by.

Eventually one of my friends (a rather large fucking massive lad who went on to win gold medals in the Olympics for rowing... No, not him, another one) decided that enough was enough and at a semi-break in the traffic nonchalently stepped out to cross the road, as was his right.

A BMW driver (what is it with those cnuts?) made a point of screeching to a halt inches from friend, leaned out of his window and shouted "What's the fucking idea? I could have fucking hit you!"

Friend turns around, sizing him up, and realising that at 17 he's at least twice the BMW drivers size shouts back "If you fucking hit me I'll dent your fucking car!"
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 13:20, Reply)

Got 'im
I’m one of those ‘bloody ignorant coppers’ that some folks are so fond of, and as such have seen a fair few eejits doing bloody stupid things. Problem is, I usually drive around in a shed of a focus driven by people who don’t own it and don’t care about it - so its run ragged and knackered. Anyone that’s driven any squaddie vehicle will know what I mean. Chances of catching anyone in one of those is slim.

One day though, I was doing a spot of driver training in an unmarked traffic car, tuned to shit, turbo, calibrated, the works. I’m driving through rural Dorset, sticking to the speed limit (I’ve got a traffic trainer beside me no speeding in front of them) when this old geezer in a BMW - its ALWAYS a BMW - pulls up to my arse and tailgates me, really trying to piss me off as I’m going too slow for him. He can’t get past as the road is a twisty county lane, I can see he’s getting really pissed off, he’s trying to intimade me into moving over for him. Now I can’t be party to anyone breaking the law, so I can’t move over - I’m doing 60, the limit. He weaving now, ducking in and out, looking for a way past me and eventually he finds a space and nails it, flies past, pissed off that I’ve held him up.

I put on my best Darth Vader voice say much to my own amusement “I have you now” (traffic guy didn’t find it funny. No sense of occasion.) and stick the blues and twos on, hidden in the grill and hunt him, the BMW has no chance, I catch him in no time. But he won’t pull over. I’m sitting behind him, lights and siren blaring, flashing at him, but nothing. Turns out he’s too shocked and hasn’t a clue what’s happening. Eventually he pulls over and I get my flat cap on and step out to give him a grilling. I’m pissed off at the state of his shoddy driving and disregard for other road users, he was doing upwards of 90 on a twisty road that could easily have walkers or horses on it. But he apoligised. He was such a nice old man that I just don’t have the heart to give him the 3 points that he frankly deserves. I don’t give him the points and just tell him the one piece of advice that’s serves me well. If you see a plain white car with 2 blokes in the front driving at EXACTLY the limit, for fuck sake don’t overtake it. He knew he’d been caught being a berk.

I hate doing traffic stops, and I don’t like dishing out points for people who are just driving their cars. I drive when I’m off duty, sometimes I do stupid things by mistake like park in the wrong spot, or a don’t see someone on a roundabout, perhaps even go a bit quickly on some roads- we all do it, but thankfully I’ve never come off badly. But when you get caught - and we all do - don’t give the poor copper grief and shout at him, it only makes us cry. And sent you court of course. Muhaha.
(menashem, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 13:08, Reply)

when i drive
i turn into this mental snarling........ jack russel. i sit there in my fiesta screaming at people shoving my fingers in their faces and generally just looking a bit like a nut case mentalist. i drive like a cunt up everyones arses blasting music from my sound system. i know your probably thinking chav right now but i only listen to led zeppelin. i would be really fucked if anyone were to actually get out off their cars. i have absolutely no idea how to fight. im such a fucking nob
(fwack bang on it, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 12:44, Reply)

Not mine, but a mate's
Was read ing "Road Rqage ?" by pregnantfridge and it reminded me of my mate.

Him: Brand new blue Kawasaki ZZR 600 Ninja.
Her: Some 4 wheeled thing and no braynes.

Just like pregnantfridge my mate is tooling round a roundabout, getting the feel for the new wheels and his g/f is following him on a rather asthmatic GPZ500. So far, so loving-shiney-new-toy.

Cue Ms.Clueless entering roundabout without giving way. Cue my mate discovering just how strong the Ninja's brakes are, how far it leans, and how quickly it can change driection whiole braking (bit of a feat for a bike).

He manages to come of a stop the right way up near her and begins remonstrating "I say, Madam, did you not observe me already on the roundabout and having the right of way?"; "Didn't you see me, twat-boy? Fuck off." she replies.

This, really, wasn't her best move. Not only did she give my mate the sudden need for new kecks, nearly take him and his g/f out, and ruin his new bike; but he's also a copper. Oops.

"Madam, I must inform you that I am an officer of the law, I have a credible witness and I shall be throwing the book at you from a very great height."; "Aye, sure. Whatever yeh leather clad fanny."

IIRC she was given a visit later on that day by some fellow plod which shook her up. But not nearly as much as the summons for dangerous driving. *sniggers*

ps He also takes great glee is nabbing cnuts who use their mobile whilst driving (even though he's not traffic). Strangely enough, they mostly seem to drive BMWs.

pps ratman, undertaking isn't illegal in the UK as there is no specific offence against it. There are quite a few occasions when you can do it (queues, diverging roads, twat in wrong lane). Although switching lanes etc to do an undertake can be takenas evidence of dangerous driving. Just be careful.
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 12:10, Reply)

Sod cyclist solidarity
As another 2-wheeled road pigeon I'd just like to say that what I hate most is other cyclists who act like twats. I kind of expect idiocy from other road users, but cyclists should know better. Yes, I'm talking to you, you the twat who shot out from a red light on my left and made me swerve nearly under a Renault. Me and the Renault driver both stopped for a soothing swear; he said "you alright love?" "Yeah fine." "I'll go see if I can catch the fker and have a word."

Hope he caught you up and kicked the crap out of you, you twat.

[chthonic edit: too sodding right. I love cycling, but I'll be the first to shout at idiots like the one last night cycling the wrong way up a 2 lane street with no lights on who almost took me out at a junction]
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 11:17, Reply)

the car made out of Tizer
As a small boy I was very fond of Tizer and used to drink it all the time. On one occasion I filled my bath to the top with Tizer and wanked myself silly for about 45 minutes.

Anyway, on to the relevant side of this. I had a friend who worked for the government building tanks and robot scarecrows etc and we were in the pub one day talking about the best way to approach shagging that Lisa Riley who used to be on emmerdale. My theory was that it would be best to hit her in the back with a brick and in that split second that she's on the way down, simply jizz on her chops!

Of course my friend, being a scientist, picked this apart straight away! "are you aware of the problems with aiming? I mean, she's a big fat old bird and she'd be falling. The human body turns when it falls. Could you be sure of getting the spunk in her face? Could you? And what about the problem of timing the ejaculation? No no no Brady, you haven't thought this through!"

Devastated by this I asked him for his masterplan in a sarcastic fashion. Kind of like "oooh so whats your masterplan then???" a bit like that.

To this he responded by pulling out some blueprints he had prepared which had something to do with building a car completely out of Tizer and crashing into her, instantaneously knocking her down and drenching her with the car/Tizer. His thinking was thus, the Tizer would act as a vaginal lubricant for the huge beast as well as weighing her clothes down making it difficult to escape.

I liked his idea and we set about planning the deed. Only problem is - I like Tizer so damn much, every time he builds a prototype car, I drink the bugger!!!! Oh well eh?
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 10:49, Reply)

Where's There's Muck......
A kind of road rage I suppose.

We used to have a farmer around here who had a bee in his bonnet about Natwest. So much so that he used to flip every once in a while and get out his farming equipment.

Over the years he sprayed one branch with liquid slurry not once, but several times. He would also turn up at another branch every so often and dump tons of cow shit right outside the front entrance.

Of course he was fined, bound over and even given a suspended jail term at one point.

But the old bugger won in the end. Eventually, after 10 years of giving them shit the bank caved in and paid him £300 000 to end the long runnning campaign.

We need more people like him.

RIP David Cannon. news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/4659653.stm
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Assumption
I've calmed down a lot over the past few years and my red mist has abated somewhat (not always though) - I've come up with this basic road rule:

The other guy is going to do something fucking stupid.

Abide by that rule and all is well.

Apart from the fucktards in their Saxos/Novas/Corsa, etc. They're morons and they're already doing something stupid.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 9:17, Reply)

Apeloverage . . .
there is a reason Australian drivers don't like speed cameras . . .

The general public have been berated into equating speeding (at all times and in all places) is akin to paedophilia or other forms of deviant behaviour. We are constantly told to "slow down" - we now have 40 km/hr zones on main roads that are *anywhere* near schools . . . because we can't be arsed teaching our kids road safety. Speed cameras are placed at fixed points along freeways (especially along country roads) where they'll catch those who speed *2km above the bloody speed limit*. Mind you, no pedesrians along these roads, and 110 km/hr is not that fast - getting up to 112 km/hr is pretty easy.
We hate speed cameras and the whole witch-hunting of anyone who speeds because it's a thinly disguised revenue-raiser - not a damned thing to do with safety. We don't educate out kids to respect a road . . . we tell them it's the big nasty fast cars that are at fault.

A recent campaign to get drivers to slow down in suburban streets used the analogy of hitting a child who runs out onto a road at 60 km/hr and 5km/hr less respectively. Nice argument . . . we were supposed to believe less damage is caused by less speed, right? No one bothers, however, to consider the distance between child and car - closer means more damage (less time to stop).
Speeding seems to be such a target as it is soooo very profitable . . . lots of speeders, lots of fines. What's more dangerous is the inexperienced driver, the Sunday driver morons who drive to the grocery store and back, at 20 km/hr, and have never dealt with unpredictable road conditions; "never had a speeding ticket in my life." Well, you just haven't driven enough then . . .

Oh, and to the policewoman who took my licence away for a month for speeding on a country freeway - you're a filthy hypocrite since you were doing about 10km/hr over what I was . . . before you stopped me.
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Sat 14 Oct 2006, 8:32, Reply)

in australia.....
roundabouts...
left lane = turn left or go straight
right lane = turn right or go straight.

bastard in left lane attempts to turn right, while im in the right lane trying to go straight. i follow him and notice he is on cellphone so my friend abuses him.
then have to go around the 100m radius roundabout. oh lord.

--

i hate obnoxious(?) old ladies who think they deserve everything. i kicked one ladies windscreen in, and then told her that she needed plastic surgery anyway.

this is my first post! is there some kind of fruit basket?
(almqvist, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 8:06, Reply)

road rage via electronic voice porjection
Once rang my mate to see if he fancied coming out for a few jars, when all of a sudden he yells down the phone "FUCK OFF YOU PINK TAXI DRIVING CUNT!". When quizzed by myself, he had just been run over by said pink taxi driving cunt, and saw fit to exclaim such an accident.
(A Good Egg, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 3:22, Reply)

Bendy Bus
Being a poor type (and the hate of london public transport) i cycle to work every day, covering about 20 miles. Without fail, i get cut up by angry obnocious bus drivers who feel that they have a god given right to cut up and generally sacre the he-be-geebies out of any cyclist on the road.
(t02ajo5, Sat 14 Oct 2006, 2:23, Reply)