mm (chicken) pie
... at band camp...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 17:15, Reply)

Ok....so I've been waiting to write this one....
There was this one time....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 17:13, Reply)

Poor little brother
He was off on a skiing trip with school, so I decided to put a small clear plastic bag containing flour into his hold-luggage. I had visions of security guards with latex gloves starting work on him.

Sadly he found the bag in the nick of time. I still laugh about the possibilities though..
(lardaholics anonymous, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 16:49, Reply)

Duxford air museum
Slightly off topic...

Took the cousins kids to Duxford to see the planes.

To get his £5 pocket money we decided the boy had to spend all day with a remote control fart machine speaker in his hood of his parka, whilst I had the controls.

The highlight of the day was a rather pompous old chap with a Brian Sewell accent calling him a "dirty little sod" as the lad let rip right beside him.

If only he'd turned around he would have seen five "responsible" adults snorting with laughter. Well worth a fiver. If you ever have to go somewhere a bit dull I strongly recommend this to liven things up.
(Yellow Car is now red, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 16:17, Reply)

spicy rum
Went on a trip to Dunns River Falls in Jamaica with a random bunch of brits and americans. At the beginning of the tour the guides got us roused up and shouty, with the correct response to the question, "are we gonna have a good time?" being a hearty "Yah-Mahn!" in as authentic a Jamaican accent as you could possibly manage. Really not very hard, and although you did feel like a bit of a tosser it was quite good fun.

All bar one of the people on the tour got this shouty thing. Every time the group roared out in unison "Yah-Mahn!" a high pitched californian surfer type accent would ring out above the rest screeching "Hyeeeah Maaaaan!"

Every time.

(to get the voice right just think of Bill Paxton in Aliens when he loses it and shouts "we're all gonna freakin' die...game over man!")

ok so you had to be there. but trust me it was funny.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 16:11, Reply)

One one school trip...
...when I was eight or nine, we went on the trip (probably to some godawful ancient kiln in the middle of bloody nowhere) and, on the bus back, I sat with Rebecca. I've no idea how I made my "move" but we ended up snogging on the bus all the way home. That is the first time I can remember wondering what erections were for, and being determined to find out.

When we got back to school, she asked me if I love her. I said, harshly but honestly, "No."

So she ripped all the stickers off my book drawer. I was so gutted I cried.

Ah... the highs and lows of school trips!

(Mental note: perhaps this is why I'm so shit with women now I'm all grown-up and stuff...)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 16:00, Reply)

not a school trip... but entirely true!
i was 13... bored... and could still get unlimited travel on a bus for 25p..

got on a bus... sat with a mate and chatted in the warm to the depo...

we hid, so we wouldn't have to pay again to get home...

at which point my mate needed a shit so took a dump at the back of the bus, and wiped his arse with the bus ticket... so we had to get off anyway...

Getting off the bus a big chav tried to nick my bag... It felt good to hear, from downstairs "OH MY GOD, I've just stood in shit!"
(likeajackhammer, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 15:39, Reply)

A special school trip
It was just myself and my maths teacher, nothing like that though, I'm too ugly for my teacher to even think of that.
Anyway, it was a trip to Stephen Hawking's 60 Birthday Symposium, 5 hours of lectures from world renowned physists. Being the top scholar in sixth form a year later, I'd quite enjoyed the day, especially the pheasant for lunch.
Seeing as it was only the two of us, my teacher had driven us there in his own car, quite an old volvo. Once back at school, I got out of the car and shut the door. Only it didn't shut, so I opened it again and shut it slightly more firmly. (Read as "Slammed the bastard shut with all my might")
It was only after this that I realised my teacher had wanted to talk to me, and had put his hand in the way to stop the door shutting.
I'd broken 3 of his fingers.
(Oily, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 15:09, Reply)

Aircraft Museums... reminds me
Not one of my better stories, this.

I went to the Mildenhall air show thingy with a bunch of air cadets once. At the time it was a US Air Force base, so you couldn't move for over the top merkins screeching "ahw muhy gaahd!" whenever one of their trigger happy kind flew by (thankfully with all ordinance removed), much to the annoyance of the rather staid British contingent.

The USAF dragged out this Blackbird spy plane but put it twenty feet behind a cordon to ensure noone got too close to the thing. Just to make sure that none of us tried to hotwire the jet and take it for a joyride, an unsmiling marine with an M16 rifle and combat fatigues stood next to it no doubt ready to yell "he's coming right at us!" before emptying fifteen rounds into a fourteen year old schoolboy who was on the same side as him. No amount of waving or finger pointing would get the camo clad goon to twitch. Maybe he was stuffed and just wheeled out every morning or something? Goon was accompanied by a suited CIA-type gentleman wearing an earpiece and dark glasses who unbuttoned his jacket just enough to make sure we could all see the holstered gun underneath.

Still, he was somewhat more animated than his friend.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

Aircraft Museum
Went to one of the above once - and while there, in an attempt to interest the pour little mites (us), tour guide told us about a ghost of one of the pilots that can be seen every now and again in the old bomber. being about 8 i took this on board quite seriously and spent the rest of the trip tryin to see it. to the point where they nearly left without me. not sure what i wanted to do - think i wanted to talk to it.

if you think thats strange for an 8 year old i'd fuckin terrify you now - "Where the FUCK are these flashes coming from", i screamed just last night......
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 14:13, Reply)

Ski trip to Germany.
Once on my school's ski trip to Germany, one twunt thought he'd be really funny and imitate a Nazi.
The thing was, he did this while skiing.
When he tried goose-stepping, with the huge skis on his feet, he ended up crashing in a snowy heap. He also cut his legs on the razor sharp edges of the skis.

What a tool.
(Lil' Alan, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 14:05, Reply)

First week away from home
We drove for ever to get there (about 45 minutes) but we were about 12 so puberty was kicking in and everything took forever. group photo time is up - i'm taking this time round. At flash point of the camera process one of the said group decides to whip his man length out for the sake of polaroid history.

Now as mentioned, puberty was kicking in. being a late bloomer I'd kept my wee-willy-winky tucked safely away all week. you'd think the flasher would have a todger to make me shake with the "i'll never fit that in my pants when i get one" fear, but oh no.

like a fairy's acorn it was.

still - he had a big smile on - i assume noone told him about "the change" and how "his" wasnt something to wave about, quite yet.
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 13:57, Reply)

PGL II: Cheating Death
Another story from PGL.

One day we went for pony rides. T'was alright, the girls were acting out all their pony riding/owning fantasies, and the boys attempting to get our ponies to go as fast as possible (boy racers in the making)

My pony was soooooooo slow. All it did was wait around until the pony in front started shitting, then clopped off for some reason.

To make it go faster, I kept poking its side with my feet, as you do. It didnt respond to this, until the pony behind started expelling its exhaust. One light tap from me and

FROOM!

Off it galloped. With me on it.

It was going so fast I could hardly see where I was going. It bolted into the forest and I started getting thwacked by tree branches. After being hit repeatedly at high speed, one thick branch knocked me off the horse.
Except that my right foot was caught in the stirrup. I was dragged along by this horse at full speed, over rocky ground with little more protection than a thin helmet.

After the horse calmed down and we got back to the stables, everyone looked at me like I was a ghost.
Apparently I was lucky to be alive, never mind not paralysed, without broken bones or even a bruise.

So, I cheated death! No Final Dedstination-esque happenings yet though.

Length? Hung like the pony.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Just when you thought it was safe
We went to the swimming pool every Friday for the ritual humiliation of bearing our bodies to classmates so we could be mocked for years afterwards about our fat / hair / birthmarks / no tits etc. But at the end of each term, we were allowed to mess about with snorkels and masks.

This provided a great opportunity to swim beneath Judy B in order to get a cod's eye view of her love mound. It also led to the situation where Adam S, a portly boy with freckles, had a dump in the pool.

The high fat and corn content in the said log caused it to bob heartily in his wake, causing the sadistic paedo swimming instructor to order everyone out of the pool to avert a hygiene scandal. And everyone fled the pool like that scene in Jaws - everyone except John K, who surfaced from the deep directly below the trident sub that was Adam's stool.

As we gasped, it narrowly missed his breathing tube. As we winced, it settled with amazing accuracy on the top of his mask, shelf-like.

Imagine how it must have seemed to him, surfacing to see his classmates screaming and pointing at him. Imagine the sensation as he slipped off the mask to ask "WHAT?!" ... and slicked the still warm turd back through his hair.

He used a whole bottle of shampoo later.
(frankspencer, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 13:46, Reply)

Went camping once...
On the North York Moors. Got caught in a girl's tent by one of the teachers. One of the girls in said tent laughed so hard she pissed herself, though not while the teacher was there, thankfully.

On the same trip it was discovered that one of the guys (Dave!) was sleeping nekkid. So of course he was held upside-down in his sleeping bag for all the girls to see, until he fell out.

Oh, and the campsite was full of beetles. And sheep.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 13:15, Reply)

Kids....
Back when i was a young primary school pupil, my class and I were brought on a school trip to a nearby water park.
It wasn't too bad: they had huge slides,go-karts and boats and the like.
But i didn't swim much,as i didn't know how to at the time.As a result, i didn't get soaked to the skin like all the others in my class,and didn't need to strip off after and change into a new set of clothes. A good day was had by all.

Flash forward a year or two, where the news breaks that the owner of the park was arrested for being a kiddie-fiddler.He had cameras all over the place to spy on the children in wet t-shirts, changing in and out of their clothes.

Never was I happier that i couldn't swim.
My classmates, on the other hand, are still in therapy.
(Lil' Alan, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 12:39, Reply)

This one time, at band camp...
As a precursor to this story, a "prequel", if you will, I should explain that in most parts of Europe there isn't anywhere to empty the contents of a chemical toilet. It's highly illegal to do so at the roadside of course, so if you're on a long journey, once the coach toilet gets blocked you just can't use it any more. This is a pain in the arse, meaning that you have to find a service station every time someone needs to drop the kids off at the pool.

Background to the story being established, we were in Italy. One night we didn't have a concert, and what we generally did on these occasions was to arrange to troop off to a campsite somewhere, where we would play for a couple of hours and then consume vast quantities of free beer provided by the campsite owners. They got cheap entertainment and we got free beer - everyone was happy.

Now, what happened on this particular occasion was that we discovered that one of our coaches had been vandalised and was unsafe to drive. So we had to be taken down there in two separate groups and were thus late. The campsite people were complete gobshites about it, were generally rude to us and made things extremely difficult. And to cap it all off, there was no free beer!

So, as our one non-vandalised coach prepared to speed off with the second group of kids, the coach driver decided to leave them a little present.

That'll teach them to deprive teenage musicians of their beer.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 12:19, Reply)

Nothing amazing
but on a school trip to london we all did a whip round to gather some change for a tramp living under a bridge. He refused it and the person doing the collecting kept the money
( Victor Meldrew, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:44, Reply)

There is a lot of vomit in these stories isn't there?
I am about to add some more.
The Pirate Ship anyone...?
O yes.
Lady behind me..vommed into vacant seat next to me. I spent the entire ride hoping it was solid enough to stay away from my new jeans with a disco stripe down the side. (O come on I was 9)

I enjoyed London as a very spiky haired, fishnetted 15 year old going on a trip round the art galleries with the upper 6th year. Didn't see that much art but enjoyed upsetting the rather posh bloke next to me on a long tube journey with my spiky hair, patchouli oil and Birmingham accent. Much huffing, tuffing and rattling of newspaper in annoyance as I marvelled at the long words on the front page.(Much to the amusement of my mates sitting opposite.)
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:39, Reply)

When a British icon tsked me
I suppose we were 15/16 and were sent up to Regent's Park open air theatre for a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Let's be honest, nobody cares about Shakespeare, but it was an evening out to London and a chance to see "working girls" which being naice children from a naice school in a naice area was all new to us.

Laurence Olivier had died that day and Frankie Howard (Bottom) asked the audience to stand for a minute's silence before the production began. Being a typical sulky teenager I bemoaned (loudly) "Oh for christ's sake" (might've said fuck, but probably christ in view of all the teachers around). Frankie Howard raised his head, opened his eyes, glared at me and tsk'd. I eyeballed him back before being beaten down by the great puff himself.

The play itself was as interesting as shakespeare can ever be for 15 year olds, but Trigger from Only Fools & Horses was in the audience and we spent most of our time trying to get his attention, to what purpose I'll never know. At least I got Frankie's eh?
(betty_bongo, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 10:29, Reply)

Ski Trip to erm... Austria.
I'll keep it short.

Dad was a teacher... asked me to come on Ski Trip to a) get some free skiing, and b) look after the Posh Runts.

this particular breed of kids were borh with silver spoons (and candlesticks) in appropriate orifices, and while that in itself is no sin, Believeing that you're better than everyone else becuase you can afford to go skiing for weeks on end with your Au-Pair Is.

A little runt who, admittedly could control Skis was told to follow the guide.. DO NOT step / Ski out of line. He didn't do as he was told. He broke off the group to go under an aluminium sign. It was on 2 posts... he went between. He got a bollocking from a teacher and a guide.

Next day, the lad doees EXACTLY the same thing. Same sign, same place.... Except that overnight the Piste Bashers had raised the snow level. He practicly scalped himself as he tried to go under the aluminium sign again.

Didn't ski again that holiday... and got 54 stitches.

My stomach hurt from laughing so much. He's probablöy a manger in daddy's company now though.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 10:07, Reply)

QOTW combination shot
Could of been in the insulted celebs thread but its before my time.

First school ski trip to Switzerland, we met Jez Nelson of Tommorrows World fame, with his new bride. After obtaining plenty of autographs we let him be on his way. Jez and misses toddle off to get the chair lift down (shitty snow), as soon as they are on the lift they are met with an volley of snowballs like no other. Lift runs over our heads so we got a good minute of attack in before he was out of range. He tried to laugh off the first few, but the joke wore pretty thin for him pretty damn soon, probably about the time a snowball was taken straight in the face (insert prefered oral sex joke) by his wife.

the PE teachers running the trip feigned disapproval but secretly i am sure they we very proud.
(L0p3z, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 8:58, Reply)

Rhyl
It was shit, but being a priest I can't really be honest. Oh yeah.

I went on the only ride that existed. It was a roller-coaster that just went round in a circle. It went upside down and all my coins fell out of my pocket into the roof. Then fell down covered in sick.

Enough...?

Jerry
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 7:47, Reply)

A nice trip to Flamingo Land
Nothing special really, our year 9 trip to Flamingo land was quite dull. The bus ride was more fun.

On the way there, the teachers insisted over and over and OVER again that there was to be no smoking on the bus. Typically, the naughty smoker type people were all sat at the back, and all the boring tee total goffs [like me] were at the front. Literally within 5 minutes of setting off from the school, the bus was filled with the smell of cigarette smoke, so the driver pulled over. I don't know how the idiots thought they could get away with it without at least opening a single window, but there you go. It turned out about 6 of them had lit up, and one of them burned her hand trying to hide a tab from an angry Mr Brown. After lots of shouting and arguing, the bus driver set off.

Then, about half an hour later, the sickly smell of "cherryade" wafted to the front of the bus, and the driver pulled over yet again. We'd been warned not to bring food or drink onto the bus. Thinking they'd just brought along bottles of Panda Pops, the teachers were a bit surprised [and angry] to find they'd also smuggled along a bottle of Lambrini. These being 13 and 14 year olds by the way.

After a bit more arguing, and the decision that we'd come too far to go back, and that 6 bad girls shouldn't spoil the day for 150 good boys and girls, we drove on.

The themepark itself was boring, our year group's coach ended up getting there about half an hour after the rest of the school.

Before getting on the bus the girls were searched for drink and cigarettes, but they were all clean. So Mr Brown was rather pissed off when, less than half an hour into the journey, the smell of pot wafted down the aisle. Some of the lads had managed to buy a deal at Flamingo land!

To top all that off, the bus broke down, and we had to wait in the middle of a field for a replacement bus. The actual park was shit, but the bus ride was fantastic :D

For some reason, there were no more school trips after that.
( Kittenpants, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 7:10, Reply)

They were good kids really
Ah, school trips. We had some beauties at primary school, most notably one to Jorvik Viking Centre (have i spelt that right?), i must have been about 6 or so.

It began on the bus up there, a kid on the back row thought it'd be a blast to see how long it would take a liquid to reach the front of the bus. Liquid being piss. Piss being there because he pissed on the floor. To add to the joke, this was one of those buses with no side windows, just a useful sunroof type thing....that didn't work. When the comedy of that wore off we all take it in turns to see who can draw blood from punching or kicking someone. The first to bleed does their homework, fancies girls or is something equally as embarassing.

So, we eventually arrive. 2 or 3 hours in and the teacher is nearing a mental breakdown already. In the hour or three it takes us to go round, one kid is taken in by security for shoplifting, two kids are sent back to the bus for flashing their cocks to a girl, one kid is found unconcious outside the toilets with a condom in his hand and another kid managed to comandeer the tannoy and reel off his full quota of naughty words to the listening public.

To cap it all off, we got back to the bus to find the driver having his packed lunch which consisted of gin sandwiches with gin & gin crisps and a glass of gin. Another two hours pass as they sober up the driver with spoons of powder coffee and we go home, all of us having full license to be total shits all the way back because the teacher is too fucked off to care.

Top day!
(Newham, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 23:30, Reply)

Geology Trips
At our school, our AS/A Level Geology teacher's trips are absolutely legendary. Bearded, grey and balding, he looks like a mad hatter, has a fondness for real ale and a keen interest in introducing his students to said ale.

Trip 1. Cornwall, weekend in December 2005. Incidents include rock-paper-scissors between his friend and one of my classmates, as to who would drive the minibus back to the hostel after Green got too drunk to drive straight.
- Breaking into the hostel when we first got there because no-one was around.
- Taking said minibus down a road marked 'unsuitable for vehicles' at 10pm in quest for local pub, ending up trying to take the automatic poor thing around a 1 in 3 inclined hairpin bend, complete with cliff drop around the outside (front left wheel 3foot off the ground, whole class standing on the edges to weight it down, two hysterical girls in the front seat etc etc. bloody hilarious, basically).
- Also, vouching to the local pub's landlady that we were all over 18 (cloass of 16 and 17 year olds) so we could all get served.
- He also backed the bus into a fence, took us to at least 3 places for fieldwork then decided it wasn't worth going there, knocked the corner off someone's house with the bus and got caught up in an arguement with the owner, etc etc.

Trip 2. Isle of Mull, Scotland, early April 2006. Incidents include:
- Insisting driving the bus down a path marked 'footpath only', making the other driver refuse to drive down it and subsequently one bus taking two buses worth of students down said path.
- Trekking two miles downhill and along a rocky beach to look at some pebbles, before trekking all the way back again. In the pouring rain.
- Rigging someone's mp3 player to the minibus sound system and raving away in the back of the bus.
- Clogging up the hostel's entire drainage system after attempting to clean up a rather drunken flour fight.
- Attempting to flour Green's mate whilst he was asleep.

Trip 3. Northern Spain, end of October 2006.
- Blagging our way into a bar and being presented with a 3-litre tube of beer with a tap on the bottom. Not complaining!
- Three classmates getting picked up by a spanish guy in a Beamer and offered cocaine and spanish prostitutes, before getting dumped unceremoniously when the guy discovered they had no money.
- One guy getting absolutely smashed, almost jumping off a bridge, not remembering anything after two shots of absinthe (that followed seven of tequila) and losing his eyebrows (I believe the video is still on YouTube - search STRS and it's called something along the lines of 'Sam Moore loses eyebrows'), subsequently spending most of the night leaning over the bog.


Can't think of any more right now, but Green is an absolute legend. As long as the bus ends up clean by the time we go home, and as long as we don't throw up while we're out and about, he doesn't actually care what we do. Will even join in!

*insert length/girth joke here*
(Steg isn't drunk enough yet., Tue 12 Dec 2006, 22:53, Reply)

Pyramid Perils & french f**kers
It was one of those Schools Abroad things. The Middle East 'during the calm' 3 week excursion version. Remember that converted car ferry full of kids that sank back in the 80's? That was it. Luckily i was on it the year before, although during an on-board disco, the captain did have to call said entertainment to a close, citing severe rocking and possible sinkage. We were all dancing to The Boxer Beat. I think the stomping was on some sort of resonant frequency type thing. Anyhow, i digress. To get to the point - during the trip, we were taken to the pyramids. Wandering about, i spot a robed desert dweller on horse-back. A fantastic photo opportunity. I whipped out my hi-tech disc-film camera and take a snap just as he looks right at me. Fantastic. However, he then began ranting and holding out his palm. A miffed 13yr old that I was didn't understand. I did, however, understand his intentions when he unsheathed a large machete. Cue me being chased around the big pyramid and Sphinx by a crazed Egyptian, yodelling for my blood. 10 minutes and a full lap of the pyramid later, dodging and screaming, eventually alerted a passing teacher and my bacon was saved. I still have the pic somewhere. If i ever remember to look for it, i'll post it...perhaps.

Talking of knife wielding maniacs, a school trip to france (intentional capitalised omission) a year later saw me and a buddy pitted against another. Apparently, the two women we were trying out our limited french (see previous) on were ladies of the night. We realised this only after their pimp legged us around paris with a blade for the crime of slowing down his trade. A stroke of luck had us bump into our accompanying trip french tutor during the chase (that we very cowardly hid behind) who somehow managed to calm the smelly twat down and send him on his way. No idea what she said, but we loved her thereafter.

france is good for some things though.. a year on, we're back on a different excursion. One full days activity was canoeing down the river Ardeche. Mid-point, it runs through a nudist colony. My buddy and i in the 2-man canoe, having successfully negotiated all manner of ravaging rapids, somehow find ourselves capsizing in the calm waters of this tranquil (but very hairy) haven. The hospitality extended (oo-er missus) to us by two similar aged girls was most welcome.
(TheBoyMatt, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 22:40, Reply)

Went to Poland to climb a mountain...
...with a certifiable bunch of lunatics. Looking after us was a geography teacher who presumed that 17 year-old lads could probably look after themselves. He was - just about - right.

Highlights included the fussiest eater in the world - he survived on a diet of boiled rice and 'mint chocolate'. He knew it was mint as it was in a green wrapper. The huge picture of hazelnuts on the outside naturally failed to ring any bells. His joy at discovering a MacDonald's was matched only by the depths of depression when he realised he didn't know the Polish for "I have a phobia of sauce", meaning he couldn't order anything ("Foreign chips have sauce on them. I read it once.")

Then there was the kid who, for reasons best known to himself, had bought a military-issue torch. Whilst brilliant for spotting enemy aircraft five miles away, the precise benefit of it escaped us until he became paranoid that somebody in the next room in a hostel was staring through a knothole in the wood - his plan was to blind them. Sadly they weren't staring at us, but five minutes of the intense beam shining back through the hole and roaming around like the eye of Mordor led to complaints and an undignified exit at two in the morning.

The bloke with the dear of heights naturally waited until reaching the top of the highest mountain we could find before bothering to mention it.

Then there were the 'charity' aspects. According to the letter we received thanking us, Polish cancer sufferers will receive much better care for our efforts. Seeing as our efforts mostly involved getting drunk with the local lumberjacks, throwing a Japanese woman fully clothed into a swimming pool, naked trampolining and teaching the kids new and inventive swearwords, Polish cancer care at that point was clearly lacking.

Finally, there was me.

Firstly I was got too enthusiastic saying 'goodbye' to my girlfriend at a party in some woodland. Brambles and foreskins are not natural bedfellows, and so I travelled with a healthy supply of anti-septic cream and a recurring nightmare I'd wake up to find my willy had turned green.

Then I decided to dive into a mountain lake. I hadn't noticed the icebergs. The hypothermia nearly killed me.

Finally I celebrated my birthday a little too wildly. After a few vodkas, I seem to have decided to sample the delights of the Polish railway network. My 'friends' happily waved me on my way, convinced I'd get off at the next stop and travel straight back. Unfortunately I got on an express...

The police were very good, once they'd realised that I was trying to explain that I could only order beer in Polish, and that I wasn't confusing them with barmen. They even drove me back to my hotel, 60 miles away, and only fined me £20 - which means I saved money on the combined fares for a taxi and train home.

My teacher's comment? "You better not puke in Auschwitz this morning with that hangover. The head'll kill me if he ever heard about a pupil being ill there."

Apologies for, well, pretty much anything, really...
(psd eats stuff. Often., Tue 12 Dec 2006, 21:18, Reply)