Arrogant Posh Middle-aged Lady
I was walking through London on my way to London Zoo. I was happily minding my own business when a bus pulled up alongside me. Arrogant Posh Middle-aged Lady stepped off the bus without looking left to see if anyone was coming and then turned left and proceeded to walk straight into me. Because her head was turned in the opposite direction to her destination it came as a surprise. I did everything I could to get out of her path in time but she still collided with me.

Instead of saying 'terribly sorry' etc etc which is what I did, she cut me short by loudly exclaiming 'OH - JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY!'

I think we have all met Arrogant Posh Middle-aged Lady in some shape or form...
(l0bst3r, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 13:59, 13 replies)

That Hitler, eh?
Who does he think he's kidding?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 12:57, 6 replies)

A few years back when I was staying at my girlfriend's flat in Chalk Farm
Together we'd planted hanging baskets and window boxes outside her building with a mixture of flowers, ivy hanging down and all that. On this particular day I was leaving for work and I needed to water the flowers on my way out so I picked up a couple of empty cans from the night before, filled them with water and walked out into the sunshine.

Whereupon I was stopped by two PCSOs. They looked at me and then at the open cans I was holding, one in each hand. One of them said:

"Do you realise it is illegal to drink alcohol on the streets in this Borough, as it's a controlled drinking zone?"

"Um, yeah, but I'm not..."

"And it's illegal to carry an open container of alcohol?"

"Well yes, but these are full of-"

"And as a Community Support Officer I can fine you for drinking alcohol on the streets?"

By this point I'd lost patience so I turned around and poured the offending cans into the windowboxes, as had been my intention all along. The PCSOs strutted off, presumably proud that they'd prevented an alkie enjoying his 8:30am lagers.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 12:37, 11 replies)

Well, it's kind of on topic...
A few years back I was using the local Freecycle a bit - getting rid of my junk and collecting other people's junk (I did get a brand new bed though).

One day, browsing through the ads, I read that one woman had "just got a new dog - he's quite small and cold. Does anyone have any dog jackets?"

Chuckling to myself, I made my own ad: "Just got a Korean cookbook - does anyone have any small dogs, preferably cold"

And the shit hit the fan - I have the screenshots somewhere, but it seems people around here just don't have a sense of humour.

Anyway, the self righteous board moderator (or whatever they are called), banned me, and warned another freecycler for daring to laugh at my ad.
( snee held his breath since, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 12:00, 8 replies)

jumped up shit-wank forum moderators of another website
it's supposed to be a local forum for local people, but it is owned by a businessman in exeter (which is almost as far from yorkshire as you can be).

as soon as you get close to breaching their 'terms and conditions' (which are exhaustive, to say the least) the mods instantly slap you with their 'ooh, get me, tremble at my power' ban-hammer.

apparently, i can't call half of the local populace 'retards...thickwits...and 3-watts' (and they really are) because it is 'potentially abusive, offensive or inappropriate language'. i didn't mention any names, i didn't swear and i wasn't offensive.
i did use the word 'masturbate' once, glad i didn't use 'wank' though. that might have damaged mr exeter's advertising revenue...

you can put in a 'support ticket' if you want, but you might as well write on an albatross with a sharpie. i'm still waiting for a reply after 2 hours.
i have reminded them to put a stamp on the envelope ;)
(polished turd 404 pixels wide, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 11:31, 11 replies)

The French

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 10:52, 4 replies)

Boing Boing
Boing Boing is a blog site which covers a raft of topics but is left leaning and has been involved in various political campaigns including of course the "Occupy" movement.

Common with other blog sites they use tags to categorize stories. Here's their "censorship" tag for example:

boingboing.net/tag/censorship

It should come as no surprise then that Boing Boing, moral crusader that it pretends to be, is one of the most censorious sites to be found anywhere on the internet.

If you question the veracity of one of their stories, or perhaps hold a point of view contrary to the prevailing mood you can find your post removed. If not removed, then it might be "disenvowelled" where all the vowels are removed. And if you do this more than a couple of times you get permabanned.

Mind I'm not talking about trolling, or flaming, or anything of that nature. The crime is holding a point of view which the mods don't like. I got permabanned for suggesting a woman got her ass arrested during a Occupy protest because she was interfering with somebody else's arrest. This ran counter to the theme that it was "police brutality" and I was excluded.

Bunch of cowardly self important, hypocritical cunts who can't stand any form of dissent.
(MagicMoose, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 10:07, 18 replies)

I know so many people who think they can do it alone.
They isolate their heads and stay in their safety zones.
Now what can you tell them?
And what can you say that won't make them defensive?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 9:24, 7 replies)

Inflated self-importance, you say?
Cyclists that jump red lights.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 9:06, 20 replies)

I'm with MV here.
Pointing out someone's failings can be a bit of a laugh - usually involving banter with people you know well (work colleagues, mates, maybe people you've known online for quite a while).
Collating an "Archive" of strangers' "fails" which in itself has taken you away from your loving wife for many hours at a time - kinda makes you look like a complete fucking creepy weirdo.
Remember the creed of the critical person here AB, "People in b3ta houses shouldn't throw Fail Archives"

On top of that you also trot out the - "I've FP'd this many times" or "How many times have you been in the newsletter, I've been x no."
A hint - if the majority of people writing the stories here don't really see it as a competition then saying that makes you look like Lance Armstrong jumping around shouting "I won, I won" at a Steroids Anonymous meeting.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 25 Jan 2013, 7:07, 51 replies)

To any of that bunch of twats going by a single names
I may have liked your song a bit before it got overexposed, but that doesn't mean you can preach to me about world peace, justice, or whatever acorn you've got stuck in your arse.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 23:47, 16 replies)

"Sir" Bob Geldof for Live Aid
QOTW over, second comes Piers Morgan.

*Edit* Jeremy Clarkson, an even bigger sack of shit.
(Vegard M Vindheim Fuck your dreams, Fuck your life., Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:58, 6 replies)

It's probably not worth pointing this out to you cunts
but Powell & Pressburger's Blimp is an affectionate portrait of an old-school military hero and his inability to come to terms with the unaviodable appallingness of 20th century total warfare. It doesn't have anything to do with pomposity. It's an extraordinary film. Stick that and their equally astonishing The Small Back Room (from which we get the prototype of the blustering non-commissioned officer who over-henunciates hall 'is haitches) in your VCR and you'll probably learn more about the second world war than from all your Hitler memorabilia and glue-fucked airfix models.

Pricks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:29, 21 replies)

Ah, now...
...after reading the bit in the question where it says "the mad old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like it's a military operation", I tried to think if I had a relevant answer, and then I remembered that my dad is the mad old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like its a military operation. Its not a particularly stressful job as far as I can tell. The NW team invited the local policeman to do a talk, and he asked what they would like from their local police force. "Fight crime!", they said, but the policeman replied despondently that there had been no real crime in that part of Surrey for years. Racking her brain, one lady complained that the local sixth formers drove ever so carelessly and fast, and suggested the policeman set a speed trap. This he did unannounced the following week, and caught one sixth former and the lady who had made the complaint, travelling a full 10 miles per hour over the limit.

Part of the job involves editing a Neighbourhood Watch magazine, featuring advice on home security, with a column dedicated to crimes reported locally; and there was a lot of excitement when a lady at the end of the road let it be known that a vagabond had crept into her garage in the dead of night, and stolen an apple pie from her outdoor reserve fridge. Real Enid Blyton stuff - but what the magazine didn't report was that she admitted she found the pie a few days later, slightly stale and where she had left it.

Anyway, the story is that my dad was mowing the lawn one sunny afternoon, and paused for a moment to snoop on the conversation taking place between the couple next door. "I've had three cold callers at the door this week", the old woman complained, "despite putting that sticker in the front window. So much for Neighbourhood watch". "Well", began her husband, "of course you can't expect them to be there all the time..", but he was interrupted with the sight of my father's head suddenly poking through the hedge, staring him in the eye, and saying calmly: "Neighbourhood Watch is watching you, Mr Evans".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:25, 5 replies)

Bono.
Okay that's this weeks QOTW sorted.

What do I win?
(Docofair, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:23, 4 replies)

Dunno. Some pricks expect me to read more than three or four lines.
Pricks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:16, 5 replies)

Mad Scientist
He had a child-like enthusiasm about science. He was charming and energetic. But contemptuous. Executives have that same kind of contempt, of course - contempt for one’s colleagues; contempt for regulators; contempt for rivals; contempt for politicians; contempt for the general public - but most veil it with sarcasm. Not here.

“Americans always say, "well, everyone makes mistakes," he opined. "That is the wrong spirit! Look at me! Do I make mistakes? No! I NEVER make mistakes!” Reverence for age? He would have none of it. “With too many old people, they are just old. Old brains. Nothing more.”

Weather modification was his field - a field susceptible to mad scientists. Once, we were driving through a thick, wintertime Salt Lake City fog. A passing car was expelling a huge plume of fog from under its engine hood. The car was overheating. It quickly stopped and we stopped to help. The distracted woman driver stated: “I just haven’t had time to pay attention to the car! My boyfriend is thinking of moving back to Iowa, and I just have to keep him here! He’s such a sweetheart!” The Professor replied: “We will clear the entire Salt Lake Valley of fog. You may have seen us on television." It was a dialogue of two deaf people.

He once confessed, “I have – what do you call it? – a hobby,” he said. A hobby? What could that be? “I like to locate the station in town that sells the cheapest gasoline,” he said. Sure enough, he knew exactly where that was.

He planned to clear Salt Lake City of fog through the aid of a fleet of small planes, each dangling a hose into the fog from above and spraying liquid CO2. There were several obstacles. A hose could get entangled on trees and power lines. It could cause a plane crash in an urban area. His plan was to use students to make the apparatus. To evade legal repercussions he secured passage of a law through the Utah State Legislature - a gathering of idiots if there ever was one - with a research loophole absolving his program of any responsibility if anyone got hurt (he didn't plan to be in the plane itself). The only impediment was an obdurate Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) that insisted that changes to aircraft be made by pricy but reputable contractors with a known track record for working on aircraft. That obstacle eventually ended my employment (and maybe saved my life).

He died recently from a rare disease associated most often with glue-sniffers. Not that I think he was doing that. More likely, he was just unlucky. It happens even to those who never make mistakes.

Damn, I'm going to miss him.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 22:09, 4 replies)

Traffic wardens, ticket inspectors and monotheistic deities.

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 21:06, 1 reply)

I've just come back from China on a business trip.
I've negotiated a sole-trader investment from my company, to bring in to the UK lightweight, gas-filled storage units.

Inflated shelf importers

Kill me now....
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 20:41, 1 reply)

Ian and the Fish
I had a Uni summer job working in the Sainsbury's in New Cross Gate (just weeks after they'd had an axe-wielding lunatic as it happens, but I was too disconnected from reality to notice at the time). Of the many middle managers with an inflated sense of self there, the worst was by far Ian.

Ian was a small man with a face like a crumpled antique leatherette handbag. He was also a particularly officious little Hitler, and woebetide anyone who dared disagree with him.

During my time there, reluctantly scanning the dates of various rotting fruit and veg, I managed to get on good terms with the ladies working on the fish counter. You know the sort, advancing years but a sense of humour more crude than an oil rig worker's dungarees. Having been there since the dawn of time, they had a pretty good idea of what they were doing. All of which made not on iota's difference to Ian.

After a long shift he was wandering around telling people to jobs they already knew how to do when he found himself at the fish counter.

"Right ladies, I want you to hose this down it's looking disgusting!" chirped Ian, taking what he assumed to be an official and authoratative tone.
"We can't hose it down Ian, it'll..."
"Look love, don't tell me what you can and can't do, I'm a manager, now hose it down!"
"We can't do that or it'll..."
"LOOK! I. AM. YOUR. MANAGER. If I say hose it down, I want you to bloody well hose it down, it's not difficult, even for you. Get on with it!"

And so with that, the ladies did as they were told, got the hose out and washed down the fish counter, which is partially refridgerated, the motor and cooling mechanism being located... underneath the counter. The counter which is not designed to be hosed down, even when a manager tells you to. The counter with the electrics underneath it that are not, despite what the manager says, waterproof. The electrics which then begin to emit rather a lot of smoke and heat of the burning variety.

Ian no longer tells them what to do, or anyone else at that store, having been fired for being a clippy-tie wearing, beige shirted cockstapler of the highest order.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 24 Jan 2013, 20:37, 7 replies)

alright

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 20:08, 9 replies)

In my bitter experience
everyone has a yen for feeling important about something or other.

Well, everyone exept me, of course.
(roysin, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 19:59, Reply)

Me.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 24 Jan 2013, 19:35, Reply)

b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=14689
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 17:57, 11 replies)

I once received a weeks ban from the moderator of a comedy forum for telling a joke about a shed.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 17:34, 24 replies)

FIRST!

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 17:29, Reply)

George Galloway
This is the man who hailed his West Bradford by-election victory as the 'Bradford Spring'. Thereby comparing his success in a free and fair election in a democratic country to the tribulations of those struggling to break free from authoritarian regimes.

Oh god oh god oh god I hate this man.

See also Piers Morgan, just for being Piers Morgan.
(anvil, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 17:17, 3 replies)

anyone said Daily Mail yet?
Last straw - all the recent righteous tumescence about the EU.

Do Fuck Off.
(magictorch, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 17:01, Reply)

I have a set of kinky psychic furniture for my book collection ...
It's very happy at the moment, as it has seen good omens - the elated shelf gimp portents.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 16:50, 2 replies)