I'm totally not sexist.
My missus does the washing up AND takes the bins out.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 16:11, 2 replies)

Overheard
"I don't see what's wrong with rape..."

WTF?!
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 16:06, 15 replies)

Tits
Women. When wearing a revealing upper-garment, please refrain from taking offence should you find us gentlemen gazing upon the majesty of your generous bosom. If you want men to talk directly to your face, kindly consider wearing a polar-neck, bubble-jacket, or perhaps some 19th century diving equipment.

Nice one.
(Chairman Lmao Something something your mum, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 16:05, 5 replies)

(groans, head in hands.)
I largely have faith in b3tans as a more-than-averagely enlightened bunch, so this probably isn’t directed at you lot. Certainly not all of you lot. But a lot of what I’ve heard on this subject of in my still relatively-few years on this planet has been variations on the following:

You're a woman. Some women like babies. Therefore, you like babies.
You're a woman. Some women are gold-diggers. Therefore, you are a gold-digger.
You're a woman. Some women are over-emotional and irrational. Therefore, you are over-emotional and irrational.

This is what’s known in the trade as fuzzy logic.

I try and take people as individuals. I don’t (and nor, probably, do you) judge folk on their skin colour, their religion, their nationality or who they prefer to shag.

I don’t think or say things like ‘all X (gays, Spanish, Sikhs, black people) are like Y and Z.’ It would, I hope, very quickly be pointed out that this was both stupid and unfair, for you can’t possibly make a blanket statement about an enormous and massively diverse set of people with any semblance of accuracy. That, my friends, is bad science.

Yet somehow, it’s seems it OK to do this when it comes to gender. Why assume I have anything in common with another human being because we have matching genitalia? It’s boring, it’s offensive, and it doesn’t make sense.

I’m not saying men don’t get equally idiotic and patronising comments thrown back at them. They do. But it feels like women suffer much more from this kind of collective-designationing than the chaps. Those women on hen nights, doing that ‘here come the girls’ crap? Yep, they're a fucking embarrassment, but I know that for every moronic female wearing a pink plastic cowboy hat and screaming about penises, there’s another in a white coat patching someone up in a hospital, defending people in court, flying a plane, teaching in a university, bringing up a family or hell, just sitting on the sofa having a biscuit and minding their own business. Some people, though, even people I love, will point at that as a clear-cut and concrete example of standard universal female behaviour. Well, I’ve got a first-class degree from Oxford, and my best friend is a cardiothoracic surgeon. We didn’t get there by flashing our knickers, so don’t tell me I’m stupid, bitchy, incompetent, shallow, mercenary or irrational on the basis that I’m a woman. (You can do that when you meet me; it’s immediately obvious that I’m an idiot quite independently of anything else.)

I don’t evaluate folk on anything other than your thoughts and opinions and what you’ve done with yourself in this world, and that’s all I ask in return.

Oh, and I can reverse-park just fine.

The End.
(jennymnemonic, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:59, 27 replies)

I can't put it more simply than Henry Rollins
"ALL women are evil,
and ALL men are stupid"
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:59, Reply)

That women don't make good choices of partner...
I know many a lovely, intelligent lady who is partnered - by her own choice - with a complete tosspot of a man.

Women seem to have some sort of inherent attraction to bastards.

I offer some supporting evidence:

- The amount of women who seem to like 'Bad Lads'. To what extent does this run? If I come round your house and shit on your carpet, then punch your mum, will you go out with me?
- The enduring popularity of literature where moody, selfish, rude gits are objects of romance; 'Wuthering Heights', 'Pride and Prejudice', bloody 'Twilight' (he's a vampire, for fuck's sake, he's not boyfriend material however nice his hair is...)
- Cristiano Ronaldo as a sex object. Cristiano-bloody-Ronaldo. A more arrogant, preening prick of a man you would struggle to find.

As you may have guessed, I am single....
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:55, 9 replies)

I think the Au Pairs covered this subject in full
It's obvious.
(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:47, Reply)

No matter how good looking the woman
Someone somewhere is sick of putting up with their shit.
(Yellow Car is now red, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:46, 1 reply)

ah equal rights...
i hate this subject. It's full of sh!t, the arguments are flawed.

I hate women who demand equal right, but then say you can't hit a woman.

there shouldn't be equal rights - men and women are NOT equal! THAT DOESNT MEAN ONE GENDER IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER, THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT EQUAL!

there is a reason why most men are built taller and stronger, and most women have a greater ability to emphasise. this is because we are biologically designed for different things!

women ARE NOT SANE. consider; for three weeks out of the four (thats 75% OF THE TIME!!) they are hormonally imbalanced and unstable. This means that for 75% of the time they are not clinically sane (according to the legal definition of clinical insanity).
what this DOES mean is that women have a greater ability to EMPHASISE, a skill i wish more men could also have!

Men are BASTARDS. we are biologically programmed to fight, f**k and rampage. this means we are very good for things like manual labour, aggressive tactics and business etc, but are also often headstrong, unwilling to compromise, stubborn and arrogant.

How many world leaders convicted or accused of genocide, tyranny, oppression, human rights violations etc have been women??

i hold doors open for women, NOT because they are too weak to do it themselves but BECAUSE IT IS POLITE.

i like to pay for meals NOT because women are too mentally whimsical to concentrate for long enough to settle a tab but BECAUSE I LIKE TO. (plus, it's a convenient way of securing a future date with the line "well you can pay next time"...)

as a general rule, women are NOT GOOD AT COMEDY. cases in point: shappi kosandi, catherine tate, jo brand, sarah silverman etc etc etc

women SHOULD NOT PLAY SPORTS LIKE RUGBY. their bodies are RARELY suited to it! nor should they train as athletes to the point where they cease to menstruate. this means you are putting your body in a position where the most basic of biological necessities is no longer considered an acceptable expenditure of energy!wtf??

i am not saying either gender is better. they both have BENEFITS and DETRIMENTS. the idea of equal rights is fundamentally flawed!

it's simple really:

ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY, WHAT MEN HAVE TO DECIDE IS HOW MUCH CRAZY THEY CAN PUT UP WITH!

ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS, WHAT WOMEN HAVE TO DECIDE IS HOW MUCH BASTARD THEY CAN PUT UP WITH!

DEAL WITH IT!

*gah*...
(asme, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:42, 8 replies)

Reverse Parking.
Discuss.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:40, 8 replies)

My son
My 14 yr old son opened the door for a woman at the local shop a few days ago, he always does - very considerate lad. When she glared at him whilst barging past him without a word of thanks, almost knocking him into the newspaper display, I very loudly thanked him on behalf of the "miserable old bitch who has the manners of a pig and the backside to match"
(Freakmandu, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:03, 9 replies)

Beer
I'm getting over it now but I still do a double take when I see a lady...

Drinking beer.

It's just... not right! Beer is a man's drink!
(becky_bubbles, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 15:01, 5 replies)

The alternative view.
In a previous lifetime, working in a sales office..
Some inappropriate comments made, resulting in a fairly lengthy lecture/description on what constituted sexual harassment. i.e. Innuendo, touching etc. etc.

At the end, there was the standard "Please feel free to discuss any issues you may have - are there any questions?"

Unexpectedly my housemate and colleague started waving his hand frantically. At 6' 4", he didn't appear to be a likely victim.

The manager wearily glanced at Stretch, and enquired what his problem with sexual harassment was.

"Why aren't I getting any!"
(BeatsWork, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 14:49, 1 reply)

Women are silly, giggly, annoying, bitchy and over-emotional
This is after having been at a all-girls school and a religious single-sex seminary.

All my friends are either boys, or girls who think like boys. I'm essentially a bloke with tits, who loves wearing make-up and fantastic figure-fitting clothes
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 14:28, 4 replies)

I firmly believe that the average woman shouldn't be allowed to play pool.
Good female pool players I don't have a problem with. If you can take me on and beat me more than 50% of the time you are a good pool player, and will be the shining secret weapon in any pub pool team, 'cos, everyone knows girls can't play pool and the instant something with a bosom strings three pots together the average man goes all to pieces.
No, my problem lies with the average female pool player. And by "average" I meant "shit". Get two of them on the pool table at once and you're in for half an hour of painful spectating, and shots that you wouldn't see at a David Blunkett/Stevie Wonder charity match.
Miscues, deliberate fouls, sneaking in extra shots because their opponent was looking the other way, cue balls being chipped off the table, balls being grabbed and forced into pockets (oo-er) and more screeching and banshee wailing than in 5 minutes of The X Factor. The game goes on forever and a tiny bit of your soul withers and flakes away into the abyss.
Put one of the same girls on the table with you, however, and suddenly God pays attention. The balls that leap from the table somehow land back on it, the miscues still make contact and the balls that fly around the table like tiny diarrhetic hamsters trying to find a clean bit of bedding to shit into STILL GO IN THE FUCKING HOLES!
And still the giggling and screeching continues! They don't pay attention to the game, standing in the corner watching MTV with the cue still between the thumb and forefinger of their left hand because it's too difficult to locate their left hand again when they take it off the cue, and then they kick your ass with the luckiest shots since whoever-it-was hid behind the grassy knoll whilst maintaining an air of I-intended-this superiority that makes me want to scream my bowels up.
Ladies: if you can't play pool, don't play it with a man you love, because when you inevitably beat him he'll lose a tiny bit of masculinity, and when it's all gone he'll be a bigger girl than you.
He'll still play pool better than you though.
He just won't look as good in a dress.
Yes. I have issues.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 14:12, 6 replies)

Outdated, sexist views
I believe that women need doors to be held open for them at all times.

I believe that upon introducing oneself to a new woman, kissing their hand is mandatory.

I believe that when out strolling with a woman to always walk kerbside to prevent her being splashed from puddles.

These may be outdated, sexist views, but they seem to be strangely popular with the female gender these days.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 14:08, 6 replies)

Oh shit.
I get the feeling I'm going to get really fed up with this one.
I suppose in Britain we're to an extent far enough past all this bollocks (or ovaries) that it can be funny, but I've lived in a country where women were genuinely considered socially and intellectually inferior, and I suffered for it. There was nothing funny about that at all. So you'll have to excuse my sense of humour failure for this week.
(jennymnemonic, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 13:42, 7 replies)

Women. They’re all slags when you think about it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 13:36, 2 replies)

Pockets
Women. Get some fucking pockets. Or a bigger handbag.
(meat2veg hello!, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 13:09, 8 replies)

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
...

You're sorry?
You love her really?
You won't do it again?

...Are you? Do you? Won't you?
( rjmrjm, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:46, 4 replies)

Women
When getting on the bus or buying something in a shop, at some point you will be asked for money.

Bearing that in mind, why not make use of the time spent waiting for the bus or the customer in front of you to complete their transaction to take your purse out of your bag, and perhaps even lookout the correct change for the bus ticket or newspaper you're buying?

The rest of us behind you in the queue are quite happy to wait five minutes while you panic as you rummage through your bag trying to find your purse and then spend ages counting out the right money, but it might be less stressful for you.

Thanks.
(Capo, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:42, 4 replies)

House rules
Women. Once married, they have House Rules. House Rules which must be obeyed at all costs, or it is ze cooler and no nookie for a month.

So, here are a few of the house rules that I am forced to live under, forced upon me by the tyrannical, yet fragrant Mrs Scaryduck regime.

Every now and then, my charming wife comes up with some new regulation to ensure the smooth running of our household. A new regulation that I have already unwittingly broken since it was passed by a secret house committee ten minutes previously.

For example:

* There are no rules, except for the ones I make up, arbitrarily and on the spot

* No pissing in the shower

* All beetroot must be crinkle cut

* Obey all the rules

* Don't wipe your arse on the hamster

* Gazpacho Soup must be thoroughly warmed through

* For God's sake, use your own socks as fake bosoms

And now, Rule 387 of This House:

* Don't fart while you're asleep

I'm still trying to come to terms with this particular addition to the regulations, and have given up arguing that this is like telling a zombie to stop eating spicy brains.

"You did two last night," she said after a sprout-heavy Christmas dinner, implying that my body's inability to break down certain organic compounds is somehow my fault, "and they were FOUL."

Luckily, we still had the cork from the day's celebratory bottle of I-can't-believe-it's-not-Champagne, and I have vowed - under Rule 387 (a) (as amended) to use that.

What, I ask, could possibly go wrong?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:37, 8 replies)

Sexist views?
I believe women really can read a map and navigate!...... they always could, they just play ignorant about it to wind us up! It's a giant conspiracy! They all seem to be able to operate a Satnav without a problem don't they?
(verynaughtyboy, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:36, 4 replies)

What is the first thing a battered wife does when her husband gets out of prison?
*shakes fist* THE BLOODY DISHES IF SHE KNOWS WHATS GOOD FOR HER!
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:34, 2 replies)

dare i post
And get slapped or a free vasectomy?

Edit; Can we have all the sickipedia jokes now please
( hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:33, Reply)

Second
:-(
(The loquacious linguist, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:31, Reply)

I believe that I'll get slapped whatever I answer.

( gone, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 12:25, Reply)