The Taboo of Paddling the Pink Canoe
Having sex with a girl while you’re being watched by every fucking Disney character from the past forty-odd years in stuffed toy form can be really fucking off-putting. You’re busy reaching the inevitable vinegar strokes, you look up, and Micky-fucking-Mouse himself is staring at you with a fucked-up smile on his chops like some dirty fucking rodent perv, discussing the benefits of your reach-round tit grab technique with a down syndrome, fuzzy mong version of Donald Duck. What the fuck is it with girls and those collections of cuddly toys they fill their fucking bedrooms with?

One of my old girlfriends, Jen, had a shitload of stuffed toy animals in her room in Halls. This is the tale of how a certain stuffed animal, Kipper*, and a brush with abject fucking sexism led to Jen, my five foot nothing girlfriend, punching me out cold in a packed pub in Manchester.

Jen and I were fucking about playing hide the salami in her room, when, after a while and considering we were a couple of weeks into our relationship, I decided to let slip a little of the facade that I was a nice boy and let the real inner perv out. I asked her if she’d do one of my top-five things I like to do with a woman. I asked if I could see her have a wank, just sort of watch. And Jen went absolutely apeshit: “I’m a girl! I don’t DO THAT!” I laughed. She didn’t laugh. She was being serious. Fuck. Now, I’d seen other girls paddle the pink canoe, flick the bean, twist the slimy button to maximum overdrive, but, alas, some of these had been wank deniers too.

Apparently girls don’t wank... If a bloke claimed the same thing he’d be tarred and feathered and laughed out of town. Sexism. Fucking sexism... What sort of a world do we live in where a girl can claim never to have done the monkey-rub with herself, FFS?

Anyway, after a little more of my limited charm and an awful lot of neat vodka Jen decided to let me into her wanking world. Lounging on the bed, she reached over for her favourite and oldest stuffed toy, Kipper*, and – OH FUCKIN SWEET JESUS, NOOOOOOOOOO!!! She mounted the little raggedy fella – a manky old toy rabbit – and drove her sopping cunt down onto his prone little form, moaning like she’d been hit by a fucking train. I was astounded, I was aghast, I was incredibly turned on. Afterwards, Jen, wiping hair out of her eyes, turned and looked a little ashamed.

“I’ve been using Kipper* like this since I was eight. He’s my oldest childhood toy,” she said. I thought: EIGHT!!! FUCKING EIGHT-FUCKING-YEARS-OLD?!? I was still pretending to be Luke Skywalker and playing with Lego when I was EIGHT!!!

And then Jen swore me to secrecy. Apparently the fact she liked to wank was an unspeakable evil. Terrible sexism. Men can take pride in pulling the pud, women apparently cannot. Of course I said I’d never tell another living soul.

Fastforward a few weeks, Jen and I and a few of our mates are doing a pub quiz in a busy Manchester pub. Our team, Norfolk N Chance, surprisingly win a third place prize. And out of nowhere the landlord brings out a little teddy bear and plonks it on our table in front of my girlfriend.

One of my mates turns to Jen and says: “Be gentle on him, sweetheart.”

Another: “Now that’s one lucky fucking bear.”

And another: “Can you get Durex to fit that little fucker?”

This was closely followed by Jen’s clenched little fist making obscene contact with my face, me doing a very lifelike impression of a soft twat being knocked out by a tiny woman, and Jen fucking off never to be seen again...

Why can’t we just accept that everyone wanks, regardless of sex? Sexism is bad... especially when it leads to me being hit in the fucking face and being called a soft little fairy for the following few months...

And the really terrible thing was that Kipper* gave Jen the type of earth-shattering orgasms I could only dream of giving a woman.

* Name changed to protect the toy stuffed animal concerned, he doesn’t need this shit and shame in his fuzzy little life anymore.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 18:44, 11 replies)

Mrs SLVA
is not interested in the capacity of our waste disposal, nor the fact that it has a 0.5hp engine, or how the actual mechanism works (It looks like loads of small chairs spinning around on a roundabout, a bit like the Waltzers.)

After it was fitted, I went through the bin looking for stuff to feed into it, tittering with glee whenever something hit the macerator. A whole carrot was good, but it got snagged on a blade and just whizzed around making the entire sink unit vibrate violently. That was when I was told to stop pissing about with it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 18:44, 2 replies)

Answering this would mean multi-tasking so maybe later.
OK?
(Tugnut I got them all..., Tue 29 Dec 2009, 18:34, Reply)

Women Can't Park?!? WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE!
Ok, this is a sweeping generalisation but... I cannot drive, thus all women are like me. Passed my test third time. Parallel what?! 3 Point turn (hit three cars in the process). Scrape side of the wall trying to get out of the car park. Drive ito spaces.. reverse in?! no way!! Motorway? I think i'll take country roads. Acedemia, yes I can do that, common sense/practicality ... not really my thing. maps?! no way. Public transport all the way! :)
(MissFlee tried again on, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 18:09, 2 replies)

Tasks
I'm a woman and I have to admit that I am hopeless without some form of man around because I:

-can't open most jars. They're just screwed on too tight.
-am too short to reach the top shelves of my cupboards
-have no idea what it means when the green light on my heating panel blinks

The last one I can read a manual for, but the others just seem to be symptoms of being female.**

**no offence meant to other ladies reading this!
( cakelady, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 18:09, 6 replies)

Parking
Women can't park. They can be lovely, funny, caring, gorgeous human beings that I could never be without, but they just can't park a car.

Sorry ladies, but deep down you know this to be true.

P.S. What's with getting the arse when we leave the toilet seat up? You need it down, we need it up. When you want to use it, put it down. Or I can leave it down and piss all over the seat if you prefer.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Tue 29 Dec 2009, 17:12, 7 replies)

Shoes that hurt you.
I just don't get it. Do you know what I'd do if my shoes hurt me?

I'd buy different shoes.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 16:14, 5 replies)

And one last one
I think people have finally noticed that "female comedians aren't funny" appears about 3 times on every page and stopped repeating it. So I'm not stating that they're not funny and thinking no-one else has said it yet, just trying to explain why.

Male humour tends to be a status thing. Men genrally want to be funny to gain popularity and stand out. Their humour is funny to people they don't know as they hope to gain popularity, and is loud and confident.

Female humour is more often a bonding excercise among friends. It is subtle and injokey, but absolutely hilarious if you're in on the jokes. A lot of it only makes sense within the group, a lot is non-verbal.

It isn't that women are less funny than men, it's just that the "male humour" is far better suited to a situation involving going on stage alone and making strangers laugh.
(GothicTechie, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 16:09, 5 replies)

An Essex lads view
An old flatmate from Essex once imparted the advice to me:

"Never trust a woman who wears flat shoes."

I guess that's why white stilettos are popular over there then?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 15:49, Reply)

She can pee standing up?
I've only ever met one woman who could pee standing up like a bloke. She was also a complete dirty slapper.

This led me to conclude that any woman who can piss standing up is likely not the kinda girl you want to take home to meet the parents.... or might be a Tranny.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 15:48, 3 replies)

Re: Magic the Cat's snooker post
It is fair to say that women are less capable than men when it comes to physical sports. A comparison of say, the times in athletics/swimming or how far a javelin can be thrown shows this.

But I cannot see why, in non-physical sports, that women and men do not play against each other rather than seperate leagues. Sports such as snooker, darts, crown-green bowling, target sports etc.

Any theories?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 15:40, 5 replies)

Women think that
giving birth hurts more than being hoofed in the king edwards. I bet it friggin' doesn't. If childbirth was so much agony, then women would stop at one child. Whereby a man will only be careless about his clems once, after that they're guarded like, well I cannot think of an apt analogy.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 15:28, 9 replies)

Women can't play snooker
Now that IS true.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 15:03, 3 replies)

I'm a woman and I like men.
Couldn't eat a whole one though.

Tried a few times...
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 14:59, 3 replies)

Actually I don't think men and women are all that different
I see there are some differences in subtle averages of behaviour, but one thing this QOTW proves is that people vastly overestimate these differences. Men and women seem to get on best (as friends and happy relationships) when they take more notice of the similarities than the differences. If you don't understand men/women, have you tried starting from the assumption that they work the same way as you then correct the subtleties from that angle? The people who whinge they don't understand the opposite sex tend to be the people who start from the assumption that men and women work in totally different ways and try to build up the entire model of opposite-sex pyshcology from scratch, failing to realise that applying the model of *human* psychology to both instantly gets you 99% of the way there. Women might sometimes object to being treated like men but we take far more offence to not being treated as human. The differnces seem huge, but that's only because things that are different/annoying/unexpected stand out massively more than things that smoothly go unnoticed.

If men/women make no sense to you, it's probably because they're failing to fit the totally incorrect model you're assuming they fit into, and not showing as many differences from women/men as they're "supposed" to. Also, once you have worked out what the real differences are, bear in mind that variation between individuals is far greater than the average differences between men and women - some men are more feminine than most women and vice versa. So even if you think you have worked out what things make the opposite sex different to yours, don't assume too rigidly that the member of the opposite sex you're currently talking to fits that model perfectly.
(GothicTechie, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 14:07, 4 replies)

Lady-Man meets Man-Lady
Physically I am a 20something average female. But brain wise I'm a 14yr old boy. I like ribald jokes, love computer games, think my boobies are funny etc. I love power-tools and hardware stores. And I love nerding out with my computers. I'm a Lady-Man

Lately I've met a very interesting young man who seems to be a Man-Lady. He has "emotions" about things. Talks about his feelings a lot. Likes candles and organic produces. Is always talking about what he would do if he had children. And likes craft.

The world is an interesting place.
(rattus, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 14:01, 10 replies)

I
am slightly dismayed at the fact that humour seems to be lacking this week in favour of diatribes that are mostly about how shit women are.

But as an entry into the sexism (albeit from a woman) there is genuinely very little that is funnier than an old person and their attitude towards sexism- especially when you get an old woman who in her heyday was of the burning bras type.

My sister is of the farcial sense of humour. She loves pissing about, fart jokes are the funniest thing in the world to her, but she also has a very dry sense of humour sometimes which people don't recognise because of the lavatorial humour. When she was nine or ten she shocked an old lady who had popped by for a visit, by declaring- with every evidence of truthfulness that all she wanted to do in life was- I quote 'marry a big Italian lawyer, steal all his money and then divorce him.'

The old lady was horrified. In vain all her pleas about haven't girls moved on from being gold-digging slags, rolled off my sisters back (who was watching with delighted fascination,) and she simply reiterated that it was the fastest way to make money.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 13:49, 1 reply)

Are blokes allowed to use the term birds?
Or is this sexist.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 29 Dec 2009, 13:43, 5 replies)

Easy
Men are stupid.

Women are mental.

Remembering these simple points in life has helped me avoid numerous arguments with the better half.
(mrbubber buggering buggertasch, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 13:43, 1 reply)

'I think women are best off getting married and having a few kids else they'll be absolutely miserable come middle age'
Now I'm sure some people will not agree with me, or at least won't admit they agree with me.. BUT, personally every guy I know wants a loving wife (or husband), and children. Women are steortypically typecast to be the ones pushing for committment and a family, but I think guys want that too. But are usually too stubborn to admit it!

Women have to start to panic if theyre getting to middle age without children or any prospect of having them.. with the body clock and menopause creeping up!! Men can sow their seeds uhntil they're too old to remember what viagra is.

Child bearing is the thing women were made for, something which a man cannot do. For me certainly, and my mum who had to have IVF treatment, if you can't carry a child then you feel like a failure..

And truthfully, I couldn't imagine a future without the prospect of children. Maybe its innate and biological, but I think that most men secretly want the whole family package.. even if it is a little later than women. For guys theres no rush!

Lack of funny/writing fluidity
(MissFlee tried again on, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 13:31, 6 replies)

Higamus hogamus
A man will spend £20 on something worth £10, if he needs it.

A woman will spend £5 on something worth £10, even if she doesn't need it.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 13:08, 2 replies)

I'll just slip this in...
www.theonion.com/content/news/woman_domesticated
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 12:56, 1 reply)

Shoes.....
....why do wimmin insist on buying bloody shoes that they cannot walk in???? If I go anywhere with my soon-to-be-ex-missus, she moans like a drain 'cos her "shoes are not for walking in"??? I mean, WTF????

Why spend perfectly good money on row after row of shoes that fail at their intended purpose????
(Gadfium, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 12:48, 1 reply)

For girls
The same goes for the girls, don't put up with a cunt for a bloke. The moment he starts treating you with contempt, putting you down, chipping away at your confidence, the ditch him before he gets worse.

It saddens me when I hear about women who will forgive their man, even though he's an arse because "he does love me", he clearly doesn't.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 12:24, 1 reply)

For blokes
If you're in a relationship where you are being rebuked for something you're perfectly entitled to do, and probably did regularly when you were single such as have a night out with the lads and not come in until gone 2am, or spend an afternoon watching a sport of your choice, or spend your disposable income on whatever takes your fancy, then get the fuck out. Picture the situation, and reverse roles. If she would tell you to fuck right off if you voiced your disapproval of something she does, then why should you put up with it?

See the signs, don't put up with it because it will wear you down. If she can't accept you for what you are, then she's not worth it. Even if she can suck the varnish off a table leg.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 12:14, 2 replies)

Devine retribution
My mother-in-law constantly put down my father-in-law and took delight in doing so even in full earshot of anyone unfortunate to be in her company. Sadly, after years for being a "kept woman" she got a part-time job and was heavily influenced by the anti-men brigade. Going full tilt she decided to seperate to teach the old bugger a lesson. It was a sad day when she saw him out of the house he'd worked and paid for, with just a suitcase and £10k in his back pocket after 30yrs of marriage. But funnily enough he scored with a randy widow who owned her own bungalow and I'd never seen him happier! The m-in-l became very bitter and twisted at the news and on the eve of our wedding, decided she wanted him back (I still think it was to avoid any embarrassment on the top table at the reception). She seemed delighted to have the old fool back and even continued to henpeck, especially about "his affair". I'll never forget the day she tried to shock us by revealing that this other woman had performed oral sex on the old man(as if it was something to be ashamed and degrading?), the wry look from my father-in-law was priceless!

A few more years of misery later he took ill and was on his deathbed in a hospital sideroom, I had the awful task of informing m-in-l to attend before it was too late. She turned up escorted by a female friend and f-in-l (now barely conscious or lucid), threw his arms up and shouted the name of his fleeting love, obviously mistaking the other woman as the merry widow and totally ignoring his wife. Then he passed away peacefully with a smile on his face.

True to form the bitch regaled in telling the tale at his funeral, totally unaware the joke was on her!

My only fear is that I married her daughter?
(minky, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 11:57, 2 replies)

Old people
Male or female are ridiculously sexist. And racist.

My gf is a student doctor and while on call to any patients, the old ones refuse to call her anything other than 'nurse'. She has a 1st in Neuroscience with a masters on top and now completing a medical degree with the result of having so many letters after her name she will need another business card just for them and all they can see is "woman in medical role = nurse".
Same happens for her male friend who goes on visits with female GP. He is only a snotty student but the oldies will consitantly refer to HER as nurse and him as doctor!
(a Granny My goal in life is to make Fritzl a verb, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 11:49, 1 reply)

Misogynist colleague
I used to work with a chap who has a way with words. I guffawed with disbelief when he referred to the pretty girl across the bar as "just a genital life support system; a Cunt Host".

Utterly wrong but quite funny really.
( chart cat has an itch, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 11:34, Reply)